Can an abusive Spouse/Partner change ?

[yeawutever]

Yup, you say it Beyondthesea.

[itsallgrand]

Those who choose to stay in abusive relationships are Themselves Being Abusive.

 

Now, I know a lot of people are gonna say 'no, no, no'.

But you'd be wrong.

 

By feeding and allowing an abusive person to carry on - you further abuse that person. You tell them with your actions "You are awful and can only hurt people. You do not deserve the respect of being loved and being acknowledged for your real self and actions".

 

I get real, real upset at the level of non-compassion for those who outwardly abuse - by yelling, screaming, hitting, being mean with words.

 

You know what sort of abuse is equally hurtful; and oftentimes much more so?

Neglect.

Not acknowledging a human being.

Not being there.

 

A child who grows up to abuse is more deeply affected by the invalidation and neglect to them as a person than the actual hitting and mean words.

At least that is something! You're almost grateful bc at least someone is paying attention and letting you know you exist!

 

YOU ARE MUCH MORE THAN WHO YOU CURRENTLY BELIEVE YOURSELF TO BE. YOU CAN CHANGE. YOU CAN WORK PAST THIS PAIN AND BE WHO YOU'VE ALWAYS SECRETLY KNOWN YOU ARE UNDERNEATH ALL THE PAIN: SOMEONE UNIQUE SPECIAL LOVING AND VALUABLE.

 

I have been abused in my life. Very badly. I became an abuser. I'm still not done my work......but I do not hit or go into frenzies anymore. It simply is not an option. I am currently ended a round of therapy for certain traumatic events in my life: I witnessed a lot of death and mindless hate/destruction.

I am definetly now going to turn to find a proper good therapist to deal with the specific issue of you're talking about here: how that level of conception of oneself, the level of hatred inside and pain and anger that blinds our consciousness to Love.....

 

I'm talking a lot here...

 

Keep going. Get the therapy. There is Hope! You are more than your behavior and your feelings and pain. You are much much more.

 

My full support is with you to getting well and learning how to love yourself again. That is what this really is about, my friend.

[Daddy Bear]

Silently Bent

 

"your past is not who you are, it's just where you're from"…

 

Thank You…THERE IS HOPE!!!

i believe there is. (actually, it's slightlybent, as in "neither completely rigid nor entirely yielding", but you could call me "Mr. Dogcrap" as far as i'm concerned, as long you find something useful in what i have to say.)

[missbrittanyy]

my step dad hit his ex wife.

then he hit my mom

then he took some counseling

and he's never hit my mom again

[Shadows Light]

I have been abused in my life. Very badly. I became an abuser. I'm still not done my work......but I do not hit or go into frenzies anymore. It simply is not an option.

 

There's a lot of truth here. The abused.. can in turn become the abuser in subsequent relationships. Abuse is about control. Those in abusive relationships who get out can turn around thinking.."THIS" is not going to happen to me again. Maybe unconsciecely they will start doing those things that the "abuser" did in their previous relationship. And the cycle will continue in another relationship.

 

To say that the abused person is at fault and themselves abuse. Is a 1000 mile view and statement. The abused person may not KNOW how to get out. Or they may but for a variety of reasons, fear of being alone.. fear of retribution... or financial reasons. Whatever, they rationalize and can-not get out of the relationship. So... its a bit more complex than the 1000 mile view. Sometimes the "abused" is bent on rescueing and saving their loved one. They think they can control the situation and change it. So they stick with it.. until they are "DONE". The point of being "DONE" comes at different points for every person. Its like a pain threshold. We each have different thresholds of pain we can take. Its like an adict or alcholic.. who won't admit to thieir problem until they hit ROCK BOTTOM.

 

Saying an abused person is responsible.. yeah.. they are to a certain extent because they are allowing, enabling, and not keeping their boundaries up. But to give the devil his due... we don't know any better alot of times. Sometimes our lives are not in the EXTREME's that we hear and see in the media.. so we have nothing and no one to measure oursevles against.

 

Its definitely a "Dance" There is a book out there called "Dance of Anger" that pretty much depicts this phenomenon. Probably more eloquently than I can expound. But you get the gist.

 

It is sooooo difficult to look at ourselves in the mirror and "SEE" our true selves. We wear masks with everyone. Our family, society.. and even with ourselves.

[bubbleberry]

Guys,

 

Thank you.

 

I am only beginning to realise the extent of my problems, the work I need to do, I do not believe I could have realised this without the advice,support...and yes even the critism of the members of this forum.

 

None of what I say about my past, my fellings, my own personal pain is an excuse for what I do,.It a a personal reflection of the issues and events that have brought me to where I am now...But I think sharing some of my story will help, not only will it remind me where I have been, the wrongs I have commited, but it will remaind me of the progress I have made...and If there are others out there who are reading this thread, it may offer some hope....

 

I will make it short.

 

By the age of 13 I had suffered emence physical and emotional abuse by my parents.I had been kidnapped and a number of times had to be escorted home from school early by the police because they feared for my safety..my dad was back in town and usually when that happened someone got hurt.

 

Remamber that this was at the hight of the violence in Northern Ireland..I live in Belfast so all around there were bombs,soldiers,tanks and arouured cars on the streets,people getting shot...think Bagdad..sometimes as many as 10 bombs in one day.I lived in an area that was pretty effected.

 

By the age of 15 I was an alcohoilc, I was working but spending all my wages on alcohol,...By the age of 22 I was living in a squat in europe,using class a drugs...the heavy stuff on a daily,hourly basis.i remained a functioning alcoholic and and drug addict until I was 25 when i stopped using drugs...still hit the booze thou.

 

By the age of 28 most of my closest family members were dead, I had travelled the world...my drunkathon I call it...lived in australia,new zealand, cambodai, thailand and many european countries.While living in a buddist monastary in Thailand I realised that there was work to be done,and glimpsed the possibliitys.

 

While working as general manager of a large Resturant and Bar in Florida I got sober,carried on working around alcohol...just didnt use it.I then moved to california,again running a bar...again sober.

 

In california a started meditation and yoga...which I still do occasionally...I also realised that alcohol and drugs were not my problem...my emotional unhappiness and instability were my problems...alcohol and drugs were just symptoms....self medication is a term that has been used...the first time by a therapist in california...for me this was really the beginning...so many years of partying,booze,drugs, had really stumped my emotional and spiritual growth.

 

I was in my late 20s but felt like I was dealling with all the emotional issues,confusion,hurt that most teenagers go through...when I should have been dealing with all this stuff...how to communicate...how to interact with others on a healthy level,how to deal with rejection and hurt...I was drunk...so I had no experience....I was a teenager in a mans body.

 

Today I am back in Belfast...Its a really hard city to live in....so much negativity...so much hurt...only yesterday they found a bomb making factory that had a huge bomb that was assembled for use (as appose to assembled for future use...not primed)

 

Buy I have managed to find a group of individuals who are commited to growth...and we are involved together working with youth.I own my own home,run my own small business, am able to go to the pub and have a pint with my mates and not worry that i will get drunk...and on the rare occasion that i do have one to many do not have to worry thatit will lead to some negative...apart from the hangover.

 

I have also,just started a charity...trying to help children deal with the issues that I did as a child...

 

"We are a non-profit organization devoted to the greater character development of our young people and the people who care for them.

 

Too frequently teens have difficulty in school and society, not because they lack the basic intelligence, but because they have not developed the character or emotional literacy required to cope with the stress and negativity in their everyday lives. " from our website home page.

 

I am an intelligent,healthy,attractive contributing member of society.

 

What happened with my girlfriend was simply another step in my continued progress...I believe when we are ready our lives present us with issues to deal with..exactly at the time when we have the resources to deal with them...it is then our choice to make the move,to reach out and to get the help,support and assistance that will effect change.

 

Had I not been in a relationship, I would never have realised that I had anger issues,that I can be co-dependant, that i am controlling...yeah I may have known in the back of my mind...but unless we are presented with a problem it is human nature to ignore it.

 

I am glad that things have happened as they did...my girlfriend was not physically hurt, ( THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE...JUST A STATEMENT OF FACT...IT DOES NOT CHANGE THAT WHAT I DID WAS WRONG)and I have been given the oppertunity to make some real progress in my life...

 

Today I am going to phone all of the organisations in my area that deal with domestic violence and ask them where they suggest I go.

 

I am also going to my doctor to seek his advice and will call my councellor (who I had stopped seeing) and ask if she feels this is something she can deal with.

 

What all of this has taught me, what I now realise with all of your help iis that I was neglecting myself...Life is going to throw stuff at me until I die...but it will never be stuff that I cannot deal with...just tests...rights of passage....

 

I will keep you posted

[Daddy Bear]

bubbleberry--yours is, without a doubt, one of the most gripping and inspirational stories that i have ever heard. will it be all right if i send you (after i get some sleep) a private message through this site? there is much that i would be honored to discuss with you that i would just as soon not air in this public thread.

[bubbleberry]

No problem,.

 

Love to chat

[yeawutever]

Guys,

 

I am also going to my doctor to seek his advice and will call my councellor (who I had stopped seeing) and ask if she feels this is something she can deal with.

 

What all of this has taught me, what I now realise with all of your help iis that I was neglecting myself...Life is going to throw stuff at me until I die...but it will never be stuff that I cannot deal with...just tests...rights of passage....

 

I will keep you posted

 

Good to hear you're actually making a process. Very few people who start acting out recognize it's a problem. Most of them make excuses. That was an early wake-up call for you!!!!!!!!!!

[itsallgrand]

Best of luck, bubbleberry. If ya need anything or whatever; just pm me.

[bubbleberry]

again guys ,many Thanks..

 

What a day it has been...

 

a roller coaster of emotions...my girlfriend and I have agreed that the relationship is over...It was a decision that was not spoken about...I just emailed her my thoughts, my need to get help and support and expressed the views of some of you that I may not change...I wanted her to know that this is serious stuff because she can at times choose to ignore that which so obviously need to be addressed.

 

She is supportive of me and my efforts to change, to grow.But from the content of emails I have received from her she obviously does not think that she has any of her own personal work to do...I did not suggest to her that she had, but It was obvious that she feels that I am the only one in the relationship with issues.

 

 

Thats ok,its not my business, not my work...but I had hoped that at some stage in the future we could develop our relationship...that I now know will not happen,.

 

Strangely it is a relief, I can stop worrying about the relationship, about her and concentrate on myself.

 

I called a number of women's aid organisations today, I am told there are only 2 organisations in Northern Ireland that work with men...one is specifically for men suffering from abuse, and the other is simply a counseling service for men...I had contacted them about a year ago...but a friend is a supervising counselor in a number of groups, she is involved in a lot of government and charitable organisations and she says that because none of their counselors are accredited, their training cannot be verified...There is no governing body for therapists or counselors here...so anyone can set themselves up as a counselor...seems that they have see a gap in the market...

 

So its back to the drawing board...I am awaiting call backs from a number of other groups who may offer advice...but I know I need to work on this ASAP..its easy to forget ones bad points.

 

Thank you for your support...I will keep you posted.I am spending the weekend involved in a youth course, so that will take my mind off this stuff, but hopefully not for two long.

 

Again Many Thanks for all you support..I will keep you posted.

 

Bub