11 Years

[SparklingBlueIs]

Alright, I'm 17 and I have a relationship developing with a 28 year old man.

 

I need opinions.

[melrich]

I need opinions.

 

About the age gap i guess?

 

Why do you want opinions? Do you have concerns about it yourself? What would the opinions mean to you? Would you act on them?

[SparklingBlueIs]

Yes, about the age gap.

 

I've went over the pros and cons of the situation a million times, and now I want an outside view. I want someone to tell me something that I haven't already thought of.

 

I prefer someone that has been through this kind of age gap before or they're going through it now. Is there anything I should prepare myself for? or will it be like any other relationship that I've had?

[Cadence308]

I agree with Melrich. Why do you need opinions?

 

It seems you are probably just finishing high school and this guy is almost 30 yrs old, probably has a job or career and is at a different stage of life than you. How do you feel about the age gap?

[melrich]

I don't know what issues you have thought about but some you might add are,

 

The compatability of your lifestages. You may be compatable now but you are both going to be moving constantly through different stages all the time. It will be harder to keep an alignment than if the ages were closer.

 

How accepting are your families going to be? I could imagine yours having some concerns, I think likewise his.

 

What is actually keeping you together? It would normally be unusual for a 17 year old and a 28 year old to have a lot of common interests/experiences. What is really keeping you together.

 

At the end of the day if you have thought about it and feel that you are both Ok with giving it a go, who's to say it won't work but it will definitely be harder to make work long term than if you were closer in terms of maturity and lifestages.

[SparklingBlueIs]

How do I feel?

 

I feel fine, Between the two of us, we have perfect conversation. It flows elegantly. He is the most talented man, that I have ever had the pleasure to get to know.

 

I love his scent, his music, his sense of humor, and the way he makes me feel.

[melrich]

I love his scent, his music, his sense of humor, and the way he makes me feel.

 

And what is it that he loves about you?

[SparklingBlueIs]

See It's because of questions like these, I come here.

 

You further my thinking, let's see... He loves my writings, my mind, the way I speak, and the way I listen to all the problems he can't tell his other friends.

 

But I've thought about it, I've thought what if it's all B.S...Would it really bother me? I'm not looking for a long term relationship, I'll be in the Navy in a year. I'm just looking for some company, and here's a question I can't answer, if he is just using me.. what is he using me for? I'm not sleeping with him, I havent done anything but kiss him and I don't plan to go farther any time soon. I've also shared this with him, and he didn't seem to care.

[melrich]

Well I think you have the right attitude. I certainly wouldn't be questioning his motives just because of the age gap. If you guys have considered and talked about the potential issues you might have then I think you have as good a chance as any couple of making it work if that's what you both want.

 

cheers

[Heretic]

I'm not going to judge I'm just going to state a few things.

 

Have you ever wondered why a man of 28 isn't seeing anyone more close to his age? Mind you I'm not sure how you met so maybe this is natural, however have you met any of his friends? Do they know about you?

 

If he approached you, you should be very careful. I'm not saying he's the type to... well approach children, but you are still a minor and anything you do with him could be considered rape or molestation in some states. Those laws are there for a reason. That reason being young people are often taken advantage of. Mind you I know little about your maturity level, so I can't say one way or the other, but be careful.

 

If you haven't met any of his friends, this should raise an alarm bell. It should also raise an alarm if any of his friends see this as normal behavior for him. If he's been seeing a lot of other 17 year olds, that's a bit weird and you should be worried about it.

 

I'm really interesting in knowing more about him, and how you met. Without that kinda of information it's really impossible to give any advice. Even then the advice I could give you would be very... well... vague and probably seems very judgemental.

 

The only real thing I can say for sure is, if he's married, forget it. I saw first hand a teacher of mine ruin the lives of his wife and 3 children to have a quick fling with an ex-student half his age. Or if he's a teacher of yours... that's a bad idea too, in my mind.

 

Regardless of what I can say on this issue it's going to seem like I'm against the idea, mainly because I am. I've seen too many of my friends be used by older men when they were teens and it's just a shame. So yes I'm a bit jaded, but I'll try to keep an open mind.

[CluelessGuy321]

My opinion about:

 

The 28 year old man - woohoo! Nice job buddy

 

17 year old you - Whoa. Don't give him anything just yet. You're at a much more vulnerable age than he. Take things slow. I don't know how serious you plan on getting. You're so young. You'll be meeting many boys in college you may like.

[itsallgrand]

You're joining the Navy. You sound intelligent and in control of your decisions.

 

That said, I will be the brutal biotch here:

What's wrong with him? is my first thought.

 

You are 17. You seem mature for your age. Some people do mature earlier. But a mature 17 is still a baby to a mature 28. Ya gotta wonder: why doesn't he want a woman?

 

When you 25, 30, etc....

You may just look back and think "What was wrong with him?".

 

Men I would have dated at 20, I would not date now. IMO, the older you get the less it matters in age gaps. For example: a 40 yr old w/ a 50 yr old would be no big deal. But in the younger years, the age difference is more acute.

 

You are a girl and he is a man. I think you will be alright, so long as you stick to your original plan.

 

Best wishes.

[miracle29]

I think in time, you will see why deep inside you are actually not 100% comfortable about this age gap. If you were 25 and he was 36, this would be nothing. But being 17 yrs old, you are honestly not experienced enough to make such a serious decision in your life, this soon. This relationship brings most peoples eye brows up because VERY rarely can a relationship like this last, due to the foundation the relationship started on.

 

Most of the posters proposed the number one question to you and I'll propost it again. Its not so much why are you interested in him, because you're a woman and we do mature faster, but more so why is a 28yr old man not dating someone closer to his own age? This is a serious question.

 

A lot of older men take advantage of women younger than them. They think that "shes young, naive and easy to control" so for the most part, this may be a "dangerous love".

 

Go to link removed for more info on this. They just had a show on this.

 

Be careful here...

I wish you love and the best...but don't comprimise your morality and safety for hit. Be aware...and don't be fooled.

[SparklingBlueIs]

1. Yes, I have met his friends. They all said that they would have never thought me to be only 17, not only because of the way I look but the way I speak. Plus they all seemed to like me.

 

2. Lets see, the story of how I met him. A couple months ago, my parents use to go to this pub alot, and I never went because I was always doing something else. One night, I went with them to eat dinner there, and he was our waiter. By the end of the night, my mom, kept telling me how much the waiter was looking at me but I really paid no attention to it.

 

The Next day, my parents sent my exboyfriend and me to go pick up some wings they had order for a party. It's then, that I saw him again, that's when I felt an attraction, because he has a to die for personality.

 

Well, after that, I came back to the pub for dinner, and that's when I got a job application because I did indeed need a job. The pub called me the next day, called me in for an interview and hired me.

 

After weeks working there, The waiter still never made any advances, so I started making discreet ones, asking him for his screen name, giving him my number and etc.

 

One night, when I was working, he came in off the clock, to talk and party with some people there. I kept trying to work my way thru the crowd to talk to him but I finally gave up and just sat down in a booth.

 

At that moment, he came and sat next to me. And that's when he started speaking about the first night that he saw me, he remembered every little detail about that night. Then he said he hated himself that night after I left, because he should have said something to me and that now he looks at this as a second chance...

 

3. He's not married, he lives in an apartment with a room mate and a dog.

[Heretic]

Sounds safe to me then.

 

All the things I would have concerns about seem to not be there at all. All the signs of him just using and abusing you that I saw in scenarios with my friends don't seem to be an issue.

 

It sounds like he genuinely likes you, from the way he met you. The fact he stayed clear of you after you started working there shows he was a little taken back when he found out your age. I'm still concerned with what he expects from the relationship. Since you seem to be in control of how fast it moves I'd say you're good to go. I'm not talking just about physically, I'm talking more about commitment.

 

I think it's important though to control the relationship and make sure it never makes you uncomfortable. If you can continue to do that I'm sure you'll be fine. You seem to have a good level head on your shoulders.

 

I think you're going about this right way and honestly age isn't an issue as long as you're mature enough.

 

Good luck.

[brickchamp]

You sound like an intelligent, mature young woman. I don't know where you live, but if the law states anyone under 18 is a minor, that is my only concern. I'm a young looking, young FEELING 31 year old woman who cares deeply for a 19 year old, who like you, is mature beyond his years. If the two of you have a real caring, and share common interests, and enjoy each other's company, go for it. Who cares what others think, it only matters what YOU think. I know tons of men my age who are annoying and who don't care how I feel or what I have to say. When I talk, or even when I DON'T, this guy knows what's on my mind. Age gap relationships are changing with the times. Always be careful with ANYONE you are just getting to know, but just because he's older doesn't make him a perv.

Good luck to you!

[destinys_heaven]

I have the same age gap as you and i'm 19. You sound like you both have your hearts in the right place and both care for each other for the right reasons. I have never been happier than i am with my b/f! Go for it! - only question would be do your parents know / would they disaprove? its affected my relationship and u need to think how to tackle them! good luck. xx