back with ex...confusion

[normal man]

well basically my story was that my ex left 6 months ago after a 2 year relationship. We started talking again and agreed it would be a good idea to work things out and try at a relationship again. It's been a couple weeks of talking and hanging out and it's basically in motion of us already being together again. Well I came to find out that besides her reasons for leaving because she felt it was a bad relationship, she started seeing a guy from her office basically right when she left me. I never met him but she talked about him when we were together and towards the end he was inviting her to play cards with him and other people from the office. She was with him for a bit and than something happened that I dont know about which caused that to fail. So with all that I'm kind of caught up on that the only reason she is now coming back is that she was hurt by that guy and im her fall back option.

 

I could be over analyzing everything and looking for only negatives but i guess thats just cause im having doubts that I should let her back so easily.

 

After she left i was heart broken and did all the pleading and all that and she never gave me a chance. Than I got over her and started to work on myself and was very happy. She witnessed my changes i made for myself because im close with her friends.

 

So i guess im just looking for feedback from maybe someone in the same situation to give some advice.

[orgasmictofu]

Maybe you're not the fallback, HE was. She realized the error of her ways and decided she wants you afterall, that you're right for eachother.

 

But then again, I can be naive at times.

[itsallgrand]

I'm not in a similiar situation - do you still want some advice?

It might be better than someone who is embroiled in the same scenario. Objective eyes.

[normal man]

well basically in terms to what you stated, I tried to maybe get her to tell me how she felt without exactly coming out and saying the words 'did you realize you made a mistake and regret leaving me' but she just said that she thought it was a good thing that we split up and that she feels the time apart has made us better for each other. Granted i do agree that "I" have grown a lot and learned a lot from our relationship and have become a much better person, i just dont feel she has. And you also maybe be right that he was the fall back person, but deep inside i dont feel like that. I know she is a person that doesnt like to be alone so for all i know is that this guy at work ditched her and she felt unwanted so she felt the need to try and get herself back in my life.

[DN]

I am not in the same situation either - but since you have now committed to making it work, why don't you let all that go and try to make it work?

[normal man]

yes it's allhrand i'd like your advice.

 

My main issue i have on my mind is if Im going to be strong enough to deal with wondering what went on with them and why she came back to me, and the uneasiness of her working directly with him. Granted i shouldnt have to worry cause if it was done and she is coming to me than I should assume they are completely done.

 

Im also just having thoughts about how much she hurt me by leaving and thats hard to overlook and just be convinced she still loves me and wants only me. And speaking of love does tell me she loves me and misses me when we talk and she acts like everything is fine and since we've been hanging out for weeks it is like we're already back together.....but as to her saying she loves me, i say it back but deep down i dont think im in love with her anymore. I mean I love her but im not 'in love' with her like I use to be...could that just be because i dont want myself to, because how she hurt me in the past and Im afraid that she can do it again. My thought is that if someone saw a relationship as bad and didnt stay to work at it and just jumped ship at the next best thing they saw, what makes me think she wont just do it again. Basically the notion of once a quitter always a quiter

[DN]

Too much analysis - not enough getting on with making it a good relationship.

 

Stop looking backwards and second-guessing your decision. You made a choice and now is the time to keep the commitment you made to her and to yourself.

 

It may work or not - but if you keep going with that attitude it will fail. So don't set yourself up for failure but aim for success.

 

Second time I told this story today. My then g/f left me and came back, although she didn't get into another relationship. We have now been married over 31 years.

[itsallgrand]

Normalman,

 

I think you need to honour your feelings and instinct in this. If you are feeling 'not right' about getting back together right now, and you have serious doubts/reservations...I really do think you need to roll with that. There may be some good reason for that, possibly not, but either way you need to know before going forward with the relationship.

 

You have personal power and are responsible for making sure that you enter this relationship with positive energy and hope. If you're not there yet - you aren't there yet. And possibly you are not meant to get back with her?

 

There is no rule that says you need to continue seeing her - not at your expense, or if you feel you have to 'stuff' up feelings etc.

 

People break up for a reason. I have to say.....I would not take her back....because I feel that way too 'if she ran to someone else before, what says she won't do it again?'.

 

My 2 cents.

[tylercdurden2004]

Too much analysis - not enough getting on with making it a good relationship.

 

Stop looking backwards and second-guessing your decision. You made a choice and now is the time to keep the commitment you made to her and to yourself.

 

It may work or not - but if you keep going with that attitude it will fail. So don't set yourself up for failure but aim for success.

 

Second time I told this story today. My then g/f left me and came back, although she didn't get into another relationship. We have now been married over 31 years.

 

The big thing with your story is she came to your country, after being split. Thats a HUGE step. Thats her giving up all safety nets, socials networks to be with you. That says big things. Getting back together works but only if both parties truly knwo what issues led to the break up in the first place.

[crvers]

I agree with tyler and DN....You need to focus on the two of you and making it work. The past is the past. The only thing that matters now is creating a strong, heathly relationship for the future. Whatever has happened can't be changed. But if your going to take control and make this a good relationship, communication is gonna need to be key. You both are going to need to be able to talk about what some of the problems were and create some solutions. OR they are eventually going to resurface and wedge themselves into your relationship again.

[normal man]

makes sense that the past is the past but it's tough tryin not to be caught up on it because everytime i ask how was work or reference to work she seems to be short with a response as thinkin im going to ask about the guy there....which me thinkin that, makes him pop in my head and be constantly reminded.

 

and also while we both agreed it's going to take a lot of work we already seem to argue a lot and drive each other mad. We tell each other it's only like that because we're both puttin up shells so we dont get hurt. But she is always so defensive to everything I say or do.

[DN]

What are you arguing about? Are they real issues or are they just a front for the actual problem between you?

[itsallgrand]

Hello.....

 

What did you think about my dissident opinion? I seem to be drowned by voices of "You must focus on this relationship".

 

Do you want the relationship to work? Realistically, can it? Did the two of you figure out the mechanics of it beforehand, or did you jump in within thoroughly resolving the past problems?

 

Did she ever atone for her mistake in a way that is satisfactory to you, or do you secretly harbor resentment?

 

Don't brush these things under the table. It'll explode in your face. If you two are meant to be together, it will all work out in the end.

 

peace