emotionally not equipped to handle dating

[monsieur]

Anyone else feel that they are just not equipped emotionally to handle dating and relationship stuff? Like just the stress and thought of the whole thing starts to gnaw on your insides. Like when you like someone you feel all mixed up inside and can't think straight. Like when the person you like can almost destroy you just by little things they may do or say?

[RayKay]

Like when the person you like can almost destroy you just by little things they may do or say?

 

Well....the right person wouldn't be destroying you by the little things they may say or do, because to put it bluntly - they'd have your back, they'd respect you and not intentionally bring pain onto you.

 

I don't know, I used to feel this way too, until I met the right guy, and then I just felt totally relaxed, comfortable - I felt 'at home'.

 

But, there are times in life you aren't emotionally ready for the responsibility and emotional aspects of a relationship, and if that is the case, that's alright too....in those cases it usually means you have some work to do on yourself, with yourself, before worrying about relationships and dating.

[Dako]

That's my feeling, except I'm not afraid of the pain. I fear causing it.

[SilverCloud]

you are afraid of failure of a relationship.

 

But how do you get to the satisfaction of a relationship until unless you dont risk the chance of failure?

[Dako]

You can't, so you forfeit the game.

Works for me.

[tylercdurden2004]

Anyone else feel that they are just not equipped emotionally to handle dating and relationship stuff? Like just the stress and thought of the whole thing starts to gnaw on your insides. Like when you like someone you feel all mixed up inside and can't think straight. Like when the person you like can almost destroy you just by little things they may do or say?

 

Its quite alright not to date. There is no rule sying anyone has to date, in fact many people probably shouldnt date because they are not ready. But if you express unhappiness about something in your life it means one thing: You are unhappy. And if you are unhappy you have to do the things to make the changes that will untimately bring you happiness. Others cannot bring you happiness, they can facilitate it but ultimately it up to you as to whether it makes you happy.

[bobo85]

Recently i just got out of a long term relationship and I know i'm not ready to handle any kind of dating right now. I'm still healing and working on myself right now. I'll admit that i am afraid of being in a relationship right now but i'm not going to let that affect me potentially finding my one true love.

 

What you are going through is somewhat normal. You are scared of getting hurt because sometimes the people that you love the most can also hurt you the most. But do you really want to go through life not experiencing love and romance? Isnt the risk of heartbreak worth the reward of finding that one true love?

[monsieur]

I'm scared by my own emotional vulnerability. I feel too much attachment to a girl too soon. I question my own words and thoughts too much. I get anxiety and fear so easily due to the unknown and lack of control in putting yourself out there. I almost feel physically sick with a churning stomach the more I like someone and want them to like me back. Avoiding the whole idea of getting in a relationship altogether seems like the only solution. That is depressing, but not nearly as stressful.

[SilverCloud]

Dako i would agree to you there, cause to a certain extent i have that fear.

 

But then that is life you have some bad experiences and some good. Maybe we should not expect it to last forever. So that we get to just live what one has at that point.

 

I dont know the right answer. But i wish there was. If i knew that there is a chance that i am gona meet the person who will not play with my emotions then i would risk it just the same everytime. Maybe i am being naive... but thats how feel.

[bobo85]

Try taking small steps. Just become friends first and move slowly. Give each other your space and take the relationship to another level when YOU are ready.

[monsieur]

quote taking small steps. Just become friends first and move slowly. Give each other your space and take the relationship to another level when YOU are ready.

 

 

 

omg, that is my exact way of doing things and it is really messing me up

 

fall in love with a girl that just wants to be friends, I am so screwed up I can't even believe it

[Meow18]

That's just part of dating. It's scary to some people because when you do date and have a relationship with someone, it's easier to be hurt by the things they might say or do.

 

But the right person won't do things or say things meant to hurt you. There's no way to be in a relationship without little disagreements, but it's different when it's with someone who really cares about you.

 

It's ok to not feel ready to date yet. Maybe you just need time. That's perfectly ok. When you do meet a girl you might be interested in, just take things slowly.

[Dako]

quote taking small steps. Just become friends first and move slowly. Give each other your space and take the relationship to another level when YOU are ready.

 

That sounds like drug addiction.

 

Actually, I just deleted a long rant about relationships.

Not everyone needs one; either a rant or a relationship.

My sister gave up on love while younger than me. She's doing fine at 63.

[coollady1957]

The answer is YES, I do feel that way sometimes. I have tried to get back into dating again, and at this point I have pretty much let it go for now. It is definitely a stressfull thing for me at times.

 

I am scared of getting hurt again, and when I like some one then my mind starts reeling on what are their full intentions with dating me. It is almost like being paranoid for me, wondering what ulterior motives they might have.

 

Since I had such a horrible ordeal with the BF that I recently broke up with, its all just too scary for me right now.

[monsieur]

Glad to hear I'm not alone on this.

 

I'm not even sure it is a matter of 'not at the moment', I wonder if it actually gets worse as we go, after bad experiences and stuff, when I was younger I used to just fall into a relationship and it didn't seem so bad, now I am around thirty years old and I feel so much stress the instant I meet someone and start thinking about possibilities. It feels like my emotional vulnerability gets worse all the time where I feel physically knotted up inside from the stress.

[Dako]

Monsieur

I fear dating because I don't want someone to like me.

After years of being a good husband I feel done.

Stick a fork in me.

[monsieur]

I hear your words Dako, but I think your words are just a symptom of something different that you are actually feeling inside.

 

And I can totally relate to your 'stick a fork in it' comment, I feel for you.

[arwen]

Like when the person you like can almost destroy you just by little things they may do or say?

Next to what Ray suggests, it is also true that you will be less vulnerable to things another person does if you have more inner strength. If you yourself doubt everything you do, any negative thing another person says, no matter how small, becomes huge. The same holds for positive things, in my experience. It means you are more sensitive to other people's opinion, as a consequence of being not too convinced about yourself.

 

Even the supposed right person can hurt you unintentionally by what they say or do. This may not be because what they say is truly offensive, but you will perceive this as such even more.

 

I replied to your situation on the thread about 'nice guys' as well. I am glad you opened your own topic. I think you would really benefit from reading the book by Young and Klosko:

Reinventing your Life

 

I am sure you will be fine at one point. I have been in relationships while lacking the confidence. Your situation with that girl, is also a sort of relationship (not the romantic kind), but it could be as useful as relationships in my past turned out for me in my learning process

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[monsieur]

yes, I guess emotionally unequipped is just a part of the not having confidence part of the picture

 

I find that I go into relationships where I am judging myself, and the person I am with is judging me (in my mind anyway), but I don't really judge the person I am with at all, they could treat me like crap and I would believe it is my own fault due to my own shortcomings.

[tylercdurden2004]

yes, I guess emotionally unequipped is just a part of the not having confidence part of the picture

 

Reverse this. No-confidence is part of emotionally unequipped part of the picture.

[Meow18]

yes, I guess emotionally unequipped is just a part of the not having confidence part of the picture

 

I find that I go into relationships where I am judging myself, and the person I am with is judging me (in my mind anyway), but I don't really judge the person I am with at all, they could treat me like crap and I would believe it is my own fault due to my own shortcomings.

 

That could be your problem. But think about it. If they were with you, chances are it's because they want to be.

 

But maybe you just need time to work on yourself. And there's nothing wrong with needing that time.

[Dating Coach]

Try taking small steps. Just become friends first and move slowly. Give each other your space and take the relationship to another level when YOU are ready.

 

I disagree 100% with this. This, "just become friends first" thing and "try dating later when you are ready" thing has NEVER worked in the past for me, and it obviously isn't working for monsieur, and it hasn't worked for nearly everyone I have spoken with so far. You are putting yourself in a position with a HIGH risk of being friendzoned forever.

[emptychipbag]

I know I'm not. Even if I do meet a girl that I like I know she wouldn't care for a 25 year old who lives with his parents and doesn't have any goals in life. I don't even care about trying to find a higher paying job. If I did move out right now I'd be in poverty.

 

But I don't even care. I don't have the energy or willpower to improve my life to a state where I would even be desirable.

 

I'm actually sort of content with having no future now. My attitude is, "whatever happens, happens." I'm the kind of person that doesn't care what the weather will be like tomorrow.

[arwen]

Ok, maybe a story will help here for you again, monsieur

 

In fact, I am in a serious relationship with someone I was friends with for 3 years. We were housemates until I moved to another city for my new job last month. I don't really agree with the alleged permanent friendzone. It can really happen that someone we have a deep connection with, a friend, can become more than a friend. In my case, we were just housemates, and got closer because we had to arrange somethings for the house we share. Long talks were the result, and a while ago now, he confessed his feelings to me. Things developed from there. It took everything inside him to confess his feelings to me, and he was shaking. He is very shy when it comes to these things, as am I.

 

I have the feeling that 'friendzoned' is something that is used to refer to an event that happens from a girl to a guy, or am I wrong? I have never had the experience that if I was hanging out with a guy, and he didn't make a move at first, that it would NEVER happen. I don't know. I really doubt that there is any such thing as being friendzoned. Maybe it will help to put the fear aside for once, confess what you feel, and see what happens.

 

Ilse

[Dating Coach]

I think the cure is to take some time off from all of this. Go to the gym and work on YOU. Start working out, lifting weights, building muscles. The idea actually isn't to become buff, but instead to start building up your own confidence and self image. Once you start to feel faster, stronger, and more in shape, your self image will inevitably rise. Also, give yourself a make-over. Buy new clothes, get a new haircut, go to new places, talk randomly to new people-not necessarily all attractive people, just have fun.

 

Start the self improvement today. It will seriously help.