Confused :( am I being overly sensitive?

[Jaela]

Hi guys,

 

I know I'm an ultra sensitive person. I don't know if this is affecting my relationship, or if I'm just in a relationship that isn't right for me. I'm crazy about my boyfriend M. We have been dating for the past few months. Those interested in the kind of bizarre backstory leading up to our relationship can read more here; .

 

I don't always quite get M. We'll hang out at times and he'll seem really great. One weekend, for example, we spent a day outside together just taking a long leisurely stroll through the city park. The day seemed to be going great. Then later we went back to his place to watch a movie. As he set up the DVD player, I browsed through the 'help wanted' ads since I'm currently looking for a second job for the weekends. I was reading an ad aloud to him and expressed my disappointment that the ad stated experience was required. "Well", he quirked, "you're not a virgin." (I've only had sex with one guy, my ex.) I was really shocked he said that, and looked at him over the paper. I told him right away he had hurt my feelings, and that I felt I didn't deserve that type of comment. He apologized and we watched the movie but it seemed as if something was bothering him. He seemed agitated with me. Suddenly in the middle of the movie, he went into his bedroom, put on his pajamas, came out and announced he was tired and going to bed. "But", he added, "you're welcome to stay and finish watching the movie." I was flabergasted by this. He gave no indication all evening he was tired and suddenly I felt awkward and terrible for being there. We said goodbye awkwardly, and I left feeling very confused and hurt by the whole incident.

 

Last weekend I met one of his friends for the first time. A big group of us all met each other out at a local pub. The first thing M did when I walked in was approach me to give me a hug and soft kiss on the cheek. I noticed the tall glass of dark liquid in his hand was almost empty and wondered if he'd been there awhile. He introduced me to his friend and they said they'd only arrived about ten minutes earlier. I asked M what he was drinking, and he replied, "Rum and coke." I was a bit surprised by this response since I have seen him drink, but rarely. And if he'd only arrived ten minutes earlier, I was worried he was drinking too quickly. Well, it turns out he had lied to me over something so trivial and stupid, and I still don't fully understand why. He was really drinking diet coke. I only found out when his friend ordered another two from the waitress. he has such a weird and bizarre humour, for example, he's Catholic but used to tell people he was Muslim all the time because he was tired of explaining to people why he didn't drink. This was at a time in his life he strictly didn't drink alcohol at all. Even now when he does have a beer, he will rarely finish it.

 

I later expressed my disappointment to him over his little lie and he accused me of not 'getting him' and of being too sensitive. I have such a thing against liars. He jokingly told me it was only half a lie since he had been drinking coke. *rolls eyes* To make matters worse, his friend was being really obnoxious so it just turned out to be a bad night all around.

 

Now all these small things may in themselves seem harmless, but little things like this keep happening and it's beginning to make me very sad and worried. I really like M and enjoy spending time with him. I know he considers himself a smart * * * *. He freely admits he's one and complains that of all the things for me to be sensitive over, why that? I don't know what to do at this point because I am crazy about him, but at the same time he almost makes me feel too needy at times. I've always considered myself to be probably one of the most independent people I know, but dating someone who constantly reminds me he's a 'lone wolf' makes me feel clingy and makes me begin wonder if this guy is really good boyfriend material after all.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I've been taking it moment by moment and trying to distance myself a bit more emotionally from things. I'm scared of making him feel overwhelmed. I don't know if it's necessarily healthy to 'freeze' my emotions though? I've talked with him about things feeling very impersonal at times in our relationship. He feels sad I feel that way, and I do believe he'd be upset if I broke things off. I just don't know if perhaps we're too different?

 

Any advice?

[dogheadma]

In my opinion, communication is the key. Have you voiced these concerns to him? We all have our differences in personality but when you're getting involved with or attracted to someone, your emotions can sometimes cloud your vision as to what's really going on. I know, as I tend to a be a sensitive and emotional person myself and my girlfriend is the same way. We have both found ourselves getting upset over stupid and little things. We always talk it out though, and it's fine. If you feel it's worthwhile, just be open and honest about your feelings and a good listener and see what the two of you can come up with.

[DN]

I had a look at your previous posts about this guy - and it seems he is highly intelligent, shy and a little eccentric. I think perhaps you had better learn to deal with the eccentric part if you want to continue a relationship with him.

[kellbell]

It appears he cares very much about you. It seems like his sense of humor differs from yours quite a bit. Like dogheadma pointed out.. communication is a must. Maybe have a talk to him about it and when he gets a bit out of line or he feels like you are being "overly sensative"...maybe come up with a codeword. I feel a compromise can be reached. Let us know how you are doing and good luck.

[heavensent]

I think that some personalities compliment each other and some completely clash. Unfortunately yours is the latter. If you continue to get offended by these things that he says, 2 things can happen...1 - you can tell him how you feel and he may take it to heart and stop the comments...however, then he will resent you because he feels like he cannot be himself and express himself the way that he wants to. or 2 - you can keep it to yourself and try not to get so sensitive about his jokes or take them to heart...but you can't help feeling this way no more then he can help the way that he is. thereforeeee, you will end up holding it all inside and be unhappy. Eventually it's going to cave. Unless you guys can some how come up with a common ground to compromise on then this is not going to last. I don't want to sound like a pessimist but eventually this will ware on both of you and that will cause unhappiness in the relationship and in yourselves.

[Jaela]

Thank you for the replies. I have talked with him very openly about my concerns, a few times in fact. He respectfully listens but doesn't ever say much. Sometimes he'll just blankly stare at me and I need to gently remind him that I'm not a mind reader. I've told him he needs to work on his communication skills, if possible. Sometimes he'll start a statement and never finish it, and it's led to some problems. Or he'll say something so ambiguous, I have no idea where the heck it came from or what he's getting at. So I'll question him to try to attain a better understanding of where he's coming from, and at times he'll start to get agitated. I'm just starting to feel afraid to do anything, I suppose. I have also suggested to him that perhaps our personalities just aren't a good romantic match. But then at times we get along so wonderful and share so much chemistry together. It's frusterating! Would it smart to take things slower at this point, or could I potentially be messing up something that could one day be really wonderful? i don't want us to resent each other.

[DN]

How would you take it more slowly - what does that mean? Communicate less? Doesn't seem such a good idea to me.

[Jaela]

Hi DN,

 

When I say take things slower, I mean casually dating each other, as opposed to what we have right now (an exclusive commitment). I suppose it's hard for me to feel I have a boyfriend when I feel so emotionally detached from him most of the time. I'm looking for a best friend as well as a lover. I just feel extremely conflicted right now. I do care about M deeply. I wonder if I found a way to deal with his eccentricity and smart * * * * humour better, if we'd be happy. I suppose my heart is just very guarded right now.

 

Are my standards too high? Is it possible to have a best friend and a lover at the same time? I've had both in separate relationships, but never together in the same. Maybe what I'm looking for isn't even out there?

[dogheadma]

It depends on what you're feelings are. Do you love him? Do you want to make it work? If so, then let your defenses down. Be open. Listen. Work on it together.

[Jaela]

Hi Dogheadma,

 

Yes, I love him very much. That is something I feel in my heart without question. I would honestly like for us to work through these types of conflict with open communication and without resentment. But it's difficult when it's hard to know when he's being serious about something or not. He's admitted to me he's dealing with a massive depression, and remained silent when I asked if he'd ever hurt himself. He'll throw out these random comments like, "I'm sorry if I bore you" or "I feel like I'm conning you into spending time with me" or "I'm a terrible person" or "I only have two years to live" or something just totally inappropriate. He's told me numerous times he's a terrible person but will never explain himself. He's told me, like, three times he only has 2 or 3 years to live and just won't elaborate. I'm sorry but if he's being a wise * * * *, I just don't find it humorous. I have no idea if I should be worried about his health or not.

 

I feel at this point Ive tried very hard to communicate to him how I've felt. I'm not sure it's being received though, and I admit it's very discouraging. I suppose that is why my heart is starting to be on guard more and more. I want to be there for him to help him through whatever he's going through, but he'll just throw out these comments that sting me and cause me to retreat (such as his virgin comment). I love him, and I do believe he says these stupid things without malicious intent. The last thing I want is for us to resent each other.

[dogheadma]

From what I'm hearing it sounds like he has some self esteem issues that are preventing him from being able to communicate with you. You might want to consider getting a professional to help you with these issues.

[Jaela]

Hi Dogheadma. Are you suggesting a professional for me, for him, or for us both? I personally would have no problem with counseling. He, on the other hand, may not be so willing or eager.

[Shadows Light]

Communication is key in any relationship. You "should" be able to talk to him about your feelings. Try using "I" statements... I felt xyz.. when you.. xyz....

 

And if you get an answer like "You're too sensitive, your thin skinned, you shouldn't feel that way...." BS. They are your feelings and you own them. Discuss your feelings... your partner should be there to help you through your feelings or work through the "issues" you may be seeing. Real or imagined.

 

Read you post.. and the bit about "not drinking"... there was a time that if I saw someone who didn't drink at all.. my mind would automatically tell me..."ahhhh former alcholic" or... if someone drank coffee as if it were going out of style..."ahhhh former alchoholic"....but, I've been proven wrong. A gentleman friend of mine NEVER touched the stuff. Has no yen to. Doesn't need to. His father was an alcholic.. and so my friend swore off drinking. Your BF may truly have a deeper richer reason for not drinking. Don't see why he felt a need to fib or joke about it... but then again.. he is excentric.

 

Talk to him about your feelings. And if you don't feel as if you are being emotionally supported in this relationship or what you need, then maybe then it would be time to re-evaluate your intentions and longevity about this relationship.

[Jaela]

Hi Shadows Light. Thank you for the reply. I believe the reason he drinks very little stems back to his religious beliefs. He is a deeply religious man. I respect his decision not to drink and actually find it a fine quality. If he took an elitist approach to the situation, however, that would be another story. But, he has bought me drinks in the past and has never judged me for having a glass of wine. The non-drinking is not an issue for me, but the 'lying' is.

 

I realize he is a deeply intelligent and eccentric personality. For example, on Good Friday he will be spending most his day in deep contemplation and prayer. He will speak very little and has all ready warned me he becomes very melancholy during this time. Due to his religion, I understand why and again, it is something I respect and will thereforeeee try to give him the time he desires for his own spiritual contemplation.

 

His quirky habits can be endearing, but it is his lack of communication that is beginning to concern me. He has admitted to me he is selfish, along with his "I'm a terrible person" comment that he loves to randomly throw out at me. I'm just baffled. I'm unable to understand, if he recognizes qualities within himself that lead him to think this way, why does he simply not try to improve upon them? Unless, of course, he's content and happy with viewing himself in such a light. But then I wonder further, if that truly is the case, why he is grappling with such a severe depression.

 

He feels I'm too hard on him at times when I call him out on certain behaviors. I feel I've extended myself towards him with utmost compassion and sensitivity. I've never yelled at him or degraded him for anything. I've merely stated my feelings in a calm but firm manner when he's hurt me. I've also questioned some of his actions merely out of personal curiosity, to understand why he does some of the things he chooses to do. This is when he may become slightly agitated. I'm not trying to be overly critical, I just want to try to understand his motivation a bit more clearly. It seems to me he doesn't like taking responsibility for how some of his actions may affect other people, which may be one reason why he views himself as selfish.

 

This is all fine with me. Meaning, I'm not trying to judge him. I'm not trying to force him into being something he doesn't want to be. After all, I do love the man and want more than anything to see him happy. But if he's not willing to take into account other people's feelings, it makes me wonder why he's trying to build a relationship with me. If he's happy being a 'lone wolf' as he states, then why does he have so much underlying sadness? If he truly feels he's a terrible person (something I still to this day can't fully understand), why does he not just simply rectify those actions that are leading him to believe he is? Perhaps he's a masochist and enjoys punishing himself? I don't know. I am seeing underlying issues that are beginning to deeply concern me.

 

He admitted to me a few weeks ago that he was in a bad place the night we first met. He's been in a dark depression for the past four years that caused him to go into a solitary lifestyle. He's also stated that he believes we were meant to meet each other. He's never elaborated on that last statement, so I'm not quite sure what purpose he feels I'm fulfilling for him. I realize he may never be able to offer me the emotional connection I yearn for in a relationship, so that is why I'm beginning to wonder if I need to take a step back and re-evaluate this relationship. He simply may have too many issues for me to effectively deal with.

 

It's difficult to know what the right decision is at this time. Right now my head and my heart are telling me two different things, and I feel deeply torn.

 

Thank you again everyone for your replies.

[Shadows Light]

His religious beliefs. Well.. he does sound devout doesn't he. Good for him. I'm respectful of everyones beliefs. As long as no one is pushing their beliefs onto me... we're cool.

 

"I'm a terrible person" remarks and why doesn't he fix it. Where have I heard this before. Yes, it makes you wonder doesn't it. It's like an excuse a get out of jail free card. So when he does do something unsavory he has it in his back pocket..."hey, I never claimed to be and Angel. I told you I was terrible from the start many times." And you are right... the fact of the matter is, if he really saw a problem with-in himself he could make behavioral changes. But that takes WORK. So saying upfront, "I'm rotten, I"m terrible" is excuse. Or it could be fishing for compliments..."No, your not terrible.. you are the sweetest person I know." get my drift??

 

I'm glad you set up boundaries and are able to tell him when he's crossed a line and hurt you. You need to be careful with your line of questioning in his behaviors to find motivators. Sometimes it can appear like criticism or censure.

 

I don't like the comment... "I was in a very dark place in my life and we were MEANT for each other".... red flags, sirons and flares go up when I hear the.."we were meant to be together." Call my a cynic but I'm just not into that soulmate stuff. There are what over 6 billion people in this world... I'm sure you'd have found a match many times over.

 

If you do not feel an emotional connection right now to him. And its been a few months. And you get this GUT feeling something is off kilter... I'd say, listen to your gut. He's admittedly shut himself off from society due to deep depression for 4 years... you don't find this... strange? Closing yourself off from society, human involvement and relationships of any kind and becoming a solitary is going to have "some" long term effects on the brain housing. I hope he's in counseling and is taking care of himself.

 

The lack of connection you feel is maybe due to him NOT KNOWING how to make that connection. Him NOT KNOWING what a relationship is supposed to be like. Whats his back-ground? How were his parents? How many women has he dated? What were those relationships like? YOUR BF just may not have that tool in his toolbox to make deep emotional connections. OR in the very least not the kind that YOU need.

 

And thats ok. Thats what dating is all about. To sift through these issues and see if you are compatible. You can LOVE someone and care for them a great deal. But if there is something about them that is a "DEAL BREAKER" for you... then, you need to let it go or learn how to live with it.

[dogheadma]

Hi Jaela,

Sorry for the unclarity of my reply. I meant that his depression is affecting his self esteem and that is affecting his ability to communicate with you. Perhaps you might suggest therapy to him so that he can work on those issues and tell him that you will support him and go with him if he would so desire. And I agree with shadowsandlight about sometimes having to decide whether some issues are deal breakers or things you can live with.

[kiwigirl]

Hey, sounds like a lot is going on for you right now. I think that it is possible to have a guy as a boyfriend and have that person be your best friend and give you the emotional connection your looking for. It sounds like your guy isn't able to give you the kind of emotional connection that you are looking for right now. It sounds like he's diffenately got issues that he needs to deal with before he can be an emotionally whole person able to meet the needs of a partner.

 

My question is how happy are you with all this stuff going on? Has it been going on for awhile? I know for myself I've been so involved with sorting relationship issues out that I have forgotten about myself and my own happiness, I was so caught up in trying to make the relationship work.

 

I reckon you can only try and sort stuff out for so long. I tried for three years in my last relationship and although throughout that time we had exceptional highs, the lows were pretty despressing and had an effect on my self esteme. I think ultimately we aim to be with a partner who brings out the best in us, one that inspires us to be the best person we can possible be, who makes us happy, one who we can grow in connection and trust and future direction with.

 

If this guy is not meeting your emotional and communication needs, if what your saying to him is not making a difference to his comments/behaviour to you, if you often find yourself upset with his insensitive comments to you (even when you're shared with him how he hurts your feelings) then I reckon it's best to say goodbye.

 

I myself have been in a relationship where I continually was left really frustrated at the lack of communication my man was able to give me, I wasn't really mentally stimulated ethier. AFter meeting new people I realised that there are people out there that are great communicators and who make you feel special and worthwhile because they are people with healthy emotions who respect themselves and others.

 

I felt hopeless at the prospect of leaving this guy, thinking what else have I got? I thought the world of him, but if I was really honest realised that throughout the relationship I wasn't that happy a lot of the time and I was constantly trying to 'save the relationship' and sort through issues (that gets exhausting!) I'm slowly meeting people who's company I really enjoy, where we have stimulated converstations, where I can share who I am, my feelings are considered important and there is respect.

 

To me it sounds like your guy is into his own thing right now, leave him to it, get out there rediscover yourself, do your own thing and you'll no doubt meet that person who can give you what your looking for.

Good luck in your journey