I have this problem called "HOPE"

[thursday]

Didn't really knew where to post this (healing or getting back together.. but I guess healing would be more appropriate though I want to get back together with her... brr dilemma)

 

Like a month ago, my girlfriend (16y since December) whom I have been with 2 years and 3 months has broken up with me (17, almost 18y). We go to different schools in two nearby cities (12 kilometres), we saw eachother 2 times a week.

She ended the relationship because:

 

- She didn't feel like being in such a 'serious' relationship anymore, she thinks she is too young..

- We had mostly contact through MSN Messenger and we had a lot of arguments on there. (not in real life)

- I was too dependent on her

- She realized we were concentrated too much on 'us' and our future together instead of going out with friends and 'fighting for our own dreams'. (I agreed)

 

Now I was really desperate and slightly depressed for 3 weeks or something, I have been IM'ing here like whenever she was online and sent emails trying to make things up. Saying constantly that I am changed by going through this hell of missing her (I really am changed a bit already, got some values in life and try to live by those..).

 

One week after the split, I decided (by advice of my parents) to block her on MSN and have no contact at all with her, but after 4 days I went back to phase 1.

 

Two weeks after the split, I decided it was wise to talk about it in real life (she ended it on MSN) and after a while she agreed and I biked to a place nearby her home.. we talked about things for like 3.5 hours or something......................

 

After that day I was still hoping on a relationship with her and went whining even more for a second chance with her in the future..

 

Last Friday I decided it was the best for myself to have no contact at all anymore for as long as I can stand it. I made things clear to her on MSN. We decided to have one last goodbye at Sunday in real life.

 

Sunday we were together for 2 hours or something and I was emotionally a wreckage, but her presense and everything about her made me feel floating above all the misery, because I still had hope.

I said 'I love you and everything about you............' she responded with 'I love you to'.. we walked 10 more meters without saying anything.. then she said 'I love you to'. Then I said how shocked I was!... She said 'but as a friend!'

 

Though I looked and felt like crap and didn't really know what to say else but moaning about myself how I changed and how I could make her the happiest girl on earth if I only got this second chance. ((I got this weird voice (like when crying or something) when ending this sentence and she thought of it as 'oh how cute! don't cry! and she hugged me..)).

We walked further and hugged like 3 times more.. I held her hand, though she said she thought of it as a bad idea, I did it anyway and for quit some time..

 

She also thought it was very unusual and 'strong' of me to have no contact for a couple of months or till I feel better.. She was really against No Contact At All. But I said it was for the best for both of us.

I said If I can't keep up with NC after 2-3 months, I would contact her by phone and ask her if she's ready for giving me a second chance and she should do the same if she feels ready for it and that would be the only contact we will make.

 

Finally our last goodbye.. we hugged, I even showed the intention of kissing her.. she noticed and said [it wouldn't be a good idea] I said: No.. probably it doesn't harm me at all.. I kissed her for like 1.5 seconds (to be exact)…. We slowly drifted of home with our bikes even though I let her notice it was very hard for me (by hugging her once more)……………………………………….. This kiss probably was stupid.. but on the other hand..

 

When at home.. after some hours of spending with friends and watching TV.. I couldn't but contact her once again before it was Monday (as I wanted to start with a clean sheet)..

I told her some last things (that she probably already knew)…. But than this conversation:

 

I: 'it probably was a very bad thing to have had one last goodbye..'

She: 'bad hmm, very bad.. I don't know…, why do you think so?'

I: 'I'm missing you even more because of this + that kiss was a big mistake, but on the other hand it was just a kiss..'

She: 'Just a kiss?? So that's what you think about kisses..'

I: 'No! don't get me wrong here.. this kiss was the most sweetest thing happened to me since 4 weeks or even since this whole year.. I just didn't really remember anymore how a kiss felt even though I have gotten a lot of kisses from you..'

She: 'yeah.. it remembered me of our first kiss….'

 

=> we talked about that first kiss and laughed because it was really a weird situation (but that's not really necessary to tell here..) + she also began to talk about these 'signs' she got.. how weird it was (you know what I mean right..)

*** some other information: there's this guy whose in love with her for quit some time and she rejected him, because she doesn't felt ready for a relationship.. but now she also said I'm very special to her, and she doesn't see these other guys who are like this.. she sounded quit a lot like me when I talked about her being special first.. * * *!!!

 

So that was it I thought.. I'm hoping even more now.. THIS SUCKS

..

…

So today, Tuesday I'm posting this here (but it takes a hell of a lot of time to write this, doing it in Word in case I suddenly delete everything). But what did I got today, yay! (sarcasm)

 

1) her (female) friend who tells me I should unblock her on MSN because of this dream she had about me getting in love with another girl.

(a while back after our split.. I told her I'm going to some festival with this girl I barely know but who has kissed me once in the past.. but I go with her because I didn't really knew anyone else that went to this festival this particular day..)

 

I was pretty angry with her and told this to her friend.. so she doesn't really know how I feel about this girl.. but I'm not going to wait on my ex.. I told her that before..

 

2) an email, which I didn't knew she sent me (because I already was out with friends this afternoon) but anyway in the email is nothing really special.. it was just what her friend told me.. but I'm not so stupid to reply on this.. hey I've still got some self-respect..

 

3) 2 texts on my cell phone..

* "are you even going to ignore my mails now?"

=> I honestly replied on this one: " I'm not home now, I'll read it later even though I don't appreciate it.. by No Contact I really mean No Contact – goodbye –

She replied:

* I just can't, sorry. I love you, but it can't be. Goodbye.

=> I didn't reply on this even though my heart really forces me to reply, my mind tells me to STFU.. she knows the agreements..

 

 

That was pretty much it.. My friends and mother told me she's being mean and playing with my feelings.. Well they're true.. but she is also having a hard time here.. ((btw she still hasn't blocked me yet on msn even though there are 6 hours passed.. and she definitely has been on MSN in those 6 hours (her nickname has changed).. she really seems to be waiting for a reaction of mine…)

 

Sorry for the very long read.. but I hope someone reads it carefully through all the way.. I spent like 2 ours writing this thread (my mother tongue is Dutch) and who knows, there could be people with the same problem I have right now.. so don't bother replying, thanks in advance!!

[byates5637]

I have the same problem my friend. Me and my ex split 6 weeks ago. I have experience at breaking up so i think i handled it a little better then you. I went right into NC for 3 weeks with no begging, etc. Then we started talking again and she was acting like she missed me so much. She kept calling so we decided to meet up, i was thinking she wanted to get back together. But no she didn't want to. We still spent the whole weekend together... Then for the next 2 weeks she kept calling alot. One day she came over and cuddled with me alot. I stopped calling her completely because i was sick of waiting for her to make up her mind. But she kept calling. At least every other day she would call, sometimes a few times in a day. But anytime i would try to talk about if we would ever get back together she would say "no, it doesnt work we already tried so many times"...

 

So 8 days ago she called to see if i would go to this film festival with her. She was giving me this bad attitude. I got the feeling she was using me for her ego. I exploded on her and said all kinds of hurtful things. We have not talked since then. At first after this day i was really ready to move on, i didn't want anything to do with her. But now every day that has gone by without us talking i feel more hurt. I keep hoping she calls. I keep hoping she see's what she lost...hope really sucks man

 

Me and my ex broke up a few times before and we always got back together. Usually i was the dumper, but not this time and not the last time. Thinking about all the times we got back together in the past gives me hope...but i know something about this time is just different.

 

My only advice for you is to stop talking to her. Go NC my friend. You need to regain your dignity because if you realize it or not, the more you follow her around and be her pet, the more she is stealing your dignity to build her own ego. Girls generally don't like weak guys who will do anything for them. I am not saying you are a weak guy, but lately i am sure she views you as one. So you need to correct this situation right away. Do not tell her you are going to do NC, There is no need for you to explian your actions. Just start it right now. Don't tell her one more thing about your feelings, because i am sure you already told her it all many times. Just walk away. After you have NC established you can work on giving up hope, which is where i am at right now.

 

 

I do not know how you can give up hope though. Maybe someone else can help both of us with this.

 

If you have trouble doing NC at first, this is a good way to manage it. Take it one day at a time. What i mean is, don't wake up and think "Oh no, i am never going to talk to my ex again". Wake up and think "just for today I am not going to talk to my ex".

 

Good luck, I know it hurts man, just hang in there. It gets better.

[WadeCure]

It is nothing short of eerie how similar our situations are, although the situation I was in was close to two years ago. Don't worry, everything you are feeling is normal - and having been there, I can tell you honestly that the best thing for you to do is exactly what everyone preaches here - No Contact. Having hope is a natural feeling (it's part of the "denial" stage I guess of grieving), you are completely normal. But, now is the time to work on yourself. You can do it.

[byates5637]

Hey wadecure,

 

When you and your ex split how did you manage to give up hope? How long did it take you after the breakup to decide NC was best, and how much longer did it take you to give up hope and not care?

 

Right now I am at a point where i am realizing that me and my ex were not meant to be, but for some reason i know i would do it all again if she wanted too.

 

I recently gave up smoking and i think it makes a good analogy to breaking up with my ex. Sure i still want another cig. I think about it all day long. But i know just one cig won't be enough, and I know it would be a bad idea. But that doesn't change the fact that i still want one. And my attachment to my ex is much stronger then a nicotine addiction. Hope this makes sense.

[WadeCure]

I'll be honest, it took me a while to give up the hope of reconciliation. I had some help from a dear friend, if it wasn't for her I'm not sure if I could have fully moved on from that as fast as I did, I'm hoping you have a good support base for friends and stuff - take advantage and try to distract yourself from all that. I decided after two months after she broke up with me when I contacted her, and then she no contacted me first, that I would myself do no contact. Everything you wrote make sense - just try to do no contact. It will get better for you, I promise (and yes, like you probably did when you read that, when I read sentences like that I felt like throwing up because I thought it wasn't possible and it was going to get far worse)

 

Take care of yourself right now, thats the important thing.

[thursday]

 

Thanks for the reply mate. But did you read my whole first post?

I said I told her of going NC last Friday and from of this Monday it starts..and she didn't really like it.. but we'll do it anyway.. or atleast I will give it a try..

if she still misses me after 2-3 months and has no new boyfriend, than I guess we were meant to have a second chance together.. But I'm trying to not going to hold on to her..

 

 

update:

 

Yesterday, at 22h or something she again texted me asking if I could unblock her on MSN, she was like begging for me to unblock her..

 

Today she has sent another mail, saying sorry for that 'panicattack' of yesterday (1 email & 3 texts).

 

I don't really want to translate the whole email from Dutch to English.. but is here someone here who could help me analyze this stuff in Dutch?

 

 

greetings

[WadeCure]

Friend... honestly, you've got to do No Contact - she knows how you feel, if you were to continue it you would be strung along in my opinion, and you don't want that. If she wants you back, she has to be out and forward with it, analyzing the details is going to do you more harm than good.

 

You will be fine, take care of yourself right now.

[thursday]

Yeah I'm continuing NC..

 

We have also set an agreement that we will make contact if we're having a new bf/gf..

 

I think this agreement is making me a bit stronger because of the fact that every day passing without a call of her means she's not having a new boyfriend and I still have a chance with her..

On the other end I think it's forcing me to build up (false) hope and my heart will be torn apart again IF one day in these 2 or 3 months, she calls me lettings me know she has someone else..

 

But I don't think she'll have another boyfriend in this time because

-she wants to enjoy the bachelor life

-she said she's not searching for a new love

-she said the boy who is in love with her is not as special as me..(though I think he looks way better than me)

-she rarely meets 'new people'

-she still loves me she said, though maybe more as a friend.. but why did she enjoyed that kiss so much than?

-she is jealous of me finding a new girlfriend (thinking I would find this new girl way prettier and better in all aspects.... she literally emailed me this)

-we agreed on giving it a second chance if we're both single and not in love after this period of NC

-she said she had these weird 'signs' lately that were referring to me

 

Aren't all of these arguments hopeful.. though I can be very wrong.. maybe I should hope, it's worth it even if we won't get a second chance in summer vacation..

 

blaarghhh

[Meeky]

With the Dutch if you want me to.

[thursday]

*bump*

 

Okay first of all I'm very thankful to the people giving advice on this forum.. second, I don't want to be rude or anything but I had hoped I would get atleast one reply at my previous post in this thread.. Anyway it doesn't really matter anymore right now as I'm in a new situation..

 

I broke NC & she told me she misses me & thinks I'm a very special guy to her & seems interested in giving it a second chance.. I know you people think that was a very bad thing to do in the first place, but I really wanted to know what she's still feeling for me.. and it seems to be very positive actually..So I don't really regret it as I'm doing quite fine (I changed alot in just 6 weeks after the breakup)

 

However she's also having a serious problem right now & I've done really everything I can to help her. I even lied awake for hours trying to think of a solution to this problem of her. I gave her the best advice I possibly could & really think she's going to struggle a way out of her situation right now..

 

I think this problem of her is the number one reason she broke up with me, she never really talked about it before & she even cried at the phone last night (which is very unusual for her).. I think I'm putting too much pressure on her to see her again. I tried to calm her down & said I also have a difficult time:

 

I am really missing her and I want to see her again asap.. Just going slow on our new first dates.. I'm really trying to understand her, but I just can't figure out why she doesn't want to see me again sooner than 3 weeks..

 

I mean: if she's going through this very hard period, then why shouldn't I be there to help her going through with it, to encourage her to not let go, that there's a way out.. Giving her a hug once in a while if we start dating right now.. I don't know what's wrong with that

 

I really don't want to put too much pressure on her because that will make things worse for her.. I just want her to be happy But also I want her to be happy with me in a relationship IF things are going well after some friendly dating a couple of times & we both feel like it would be good idea..

 

What should I do?

1) go into NC to save myself & wait till summer vacation for friendlydating (which I think would be more easy to wait for if I'm in NC)

 

2) only contacting her with MSN Messenger & if she needs me I'll be there to help her out even by phone...

 

3) number 2 + start friendlydating right away

 

..

.....

..........

thx

[thursday]

no-one.. bleh

[kadvati79]

Sent u a PM mate. Add me to MSN if ya can, meaning to reply but I'm at work. Be strong! The great minds tend to pour through the posts in the weekends

[NubianLove]

so what if she get a new boy, its not about that, its about you! Thats whats should be important, build up ur self esteem, here you are saying you think he's better looking. Its almost like you've NC but ur scared everyday that passes because u think she'll call u saying she met someone, so the NC doesnt do anything. Its really not helping u. The one thing I've learned is that we cant will stuff to happen, I know I cant, for me only the higher Being can.

Put her out of your mind for a sec, it might seem hard I know, but find other stuff to occupy your mind, new hobbies, maybe workout, it'll really help u.

 

Goodluck

[thursday]

@Nubianlove: thanks for the reply

 

it's not really about my self esteem anymore as i have that more under control than like 2 months before.. i really changed and have been doing 'new' stuff lately, i'm not depressed or anything anymore..i'm pretty 'proud' of myself still standing here without her and even being relatively happy..

 

i just miss her alot & don't think i'll meet another girl like her ever..

she still has this feelings for me too, but she needs to work on this problem she has.. & that's not very evident as it implies working on her own selfesteem.. read my post before this one..

[thursday]

okay now i'm like so down, she's not feeling the same anymore as a couple of days before because i have been chatting with her on msn toooo much and even though i was really helping her out 90% of the time I couldn't stop telling her how i feel about her, which was a big mistake.. because right now i can see she really needs time for herself and by having told her about how i feel she's getting the _impression_ of me trying to put alot of pressure on her to see her again asap & that was causing her feelings to change about me i just care so much about her, i wish i could turn back time with the knowledge i have right now. i f***** it up bigtime pfff

[NubianLove]

okay now i'm like so down, she's not feeling the same anymore as a couple of days before because i have been chatting with her on msn toooo much and even though i was really helping her out 90% of the time I couldn't stop telling her how i feel about her, which was a big mistake.. because right now i can see she really needs time for herself and by having told her about how i feel she's getting the _impression_ of me trying to put alot of pressure on her to see her again asap & that was causing her feelings to change about me i just care so much about her, i wish i could turn back time with the knowledge i have right now. i f***** it up bigtime pfff

 

ur messing it up for urself bigtime, why are u chatting with her, if ur putting pressure on here. She's going to resent u, now even if u wanted to meet up, she wouldnt want to because she'll see it as very negative.

[thursday]

i know i'm going back to nc after helping her out one last time.. i know she appreciates it..

 

i'm also leaving the decision to her for if or when she wants to see me again..

yesterday she calmed down a bit i guess and said this:

"so if you don't want to see me again before your birthday than that's also fine with me" => i didn't tell her i don't want to see her... i just told her :

"just take this decision on your own, i don't want to put any pressure on you anymore by telling positives or negatives" (i really don't want to put pressure on her anymore )

 

i feel a little relieved now because i think she is probably more aware now that i really care about her.. going into NC from today, starting with a fresh week

[winter2005]

Everything will be Fine ... Time really really reallllyyy does heal wounds! Trust me I went through hell and back.. When I first left my husband I was told about the NO CONTACT deal and I never actually took it to heart. But after doing NC it really helped my wounds heal! The best advice I got was not to stay in touch. I blocked him on MSN moved overseas (drastic i know) chnaged my cell... and life is not great I am bitter and there are sad and lonley days but I know talking to him would slow down my healing time...

 

Well to sum this up I suggest you both take NC time....

[bobo85]

Stop breaking NC I know its hard but do it for yourself. Your not going to heal if you keep contact with your ex. She says she misses you and everything and its true...but that doesn't mean she wants to get back together with you. I know its tough but you have to let her go. You want to know what she's doing and how she is but its better for you not to know. Stop delaying the moving on process and just accept the fact that its over. There is always hope but don't think about like you guys will get back together. Think about like this: You are moving on to bigger and better things. The relationship with her gave you great experience for your next relationship. You may get back together someday with her in the future or you may not...but your not gonna stress over something that hasn't happened yet. Anything is possible.

[thursday]

Thanks for the replies!!

 

 

I'm staying in NC..

I'm going strong now, feeling good, but she's still in the back of my head every second (even when i'm busy with stuff) which hurts & takes away my 'happiness'..

I hope she'll fade away in time or whenever she feels like seeing me again in real life: She contacts me.. Even though I want to help her out with her problem and give her advice, I just think she'll see this as me putting pressure on her to be back in a relationship or something..

 

Isn't it possible for her that I can really care about her just because of the amazing person she is? I guess not because of her problem she sees me like some sort of brainwashed and obsessed freak that only wants her back for sexual activities.. I can really understand her that she's feeling this way but it hurts me alot..

 

That's actually the reason of me going into NC, I don't want her to see me as this freak & I want to prove to myself (and her) I really can live without her..

Though it's extremely hard because now I really think we would both be so much better of being in a relationship IF she feels better about her herself in the future & we're both 'available'

 

This hope is slightly fading away now & realize she doesn't really need me & than why should I care ffs? This gives me a bit of more hope at a new future relationship with someone else..I'm now thinking that she's the only one for me, but it hopefully is a fact that these feelings fade away by time because I know I shouldn't care about someone who doesn't care about me in the same way..

[thursday]

update:

 

We (actually I) decided to do NC for atleast 2 months till summervacation.. This was my first idea which was ruined by her contacting me by textmessage & of course me responding & one thing lead to another..

 

I told her she is free to contact me then (1ofJuly) BUT only if she feels like dating (thus wanting to give it another go) again.

 

If she does not contact me for this, I told her to not contact me for like uhm forever. This was a very hard thing to say as it can be interpreted like:

"Give me another chance or you won't see me ever again"

 

But it's totally not like that!! It's just for my own good & I hope she understands this.. If I hear anything of her again, that will let me worry about alot of things, which I just can't handle (ever)!

 

I feel like she's dead, but I'll just have to accept it I'll never see her again for dating.. though there still is some hope, but I don't want to keep my breath.. So I'm better off thinking she's uhm 'dead'

 

I hate not knowing how she is, what she's doing. I hate wondering if she misses me or not. I hate wondering if she's thinking about dating me this summer.. I hate thinking about her being in a new relationship with someone else in the future, though I grant her this.. I wonder how things could work out if she would consider dating me again as we both learned alot..

I hate NC though I'm convinced it's the best solution right now, but Forever?

 

Am I wrong with making this decision to completely get her out of my life if she doesn't contact me.. I feel sort of guilty about it, though I don't want heartache anymore..

 

Any opinions? Thanks..

[byates5637]

Hey man

 

I'm going through the same thing. I know it is so hard. I think about breaking NC all the time, but then i remember what happened the other times i broke NC. Sure, you might feel better when you see her, and she might even give you some scraps of hope...but as soon as she's gone you will feel worse then you do now and she still will not want you back.

 

I don't think of NC as being forever. I see it as temporary until i am healed. I think maybe next summer i will try to reconect with my ex as a friend and see how it goes. I think 1 year apart can be a good amount of time to heal depending on what happens during that year.

 

Try to remember that later on in life when you really are over her, she will be there for you if you ever need a friend. She will not go away forever. I know a year or 2 seems like forever right now, but when that time comes you will be glad you did NC and you can still have her as a friend if you want. Maybe if you reallyheal 100% and get your confidence back you could have another shot at a relationship in a year or two. But by then i bet you wont even want her anymore.

[thursday]

I'm going through the same thing. I know it is so hard. I think about breaking NC all the time, but then i remember what happened the other times i broke NC. Sure, you might feel better when you see her, and she might even give you some scraps of hope...but as soon as she's gone you will feel worse then you do now and she still will not want you back.

 

=> Exactly, that's why i'm not going to break NC anymore.

It's been 4 days of NC now. I had a good weekend till now, but she's always in my mind which sickens me. I want to talk to her so bad..

 

 

I don't think of NC as being forever. I see it as temporary until i am healed. I think maybe next summer i will try to reconect with my ex as a friend and see how it goes. I think 1 year apart can be a good amount of time to heal depending on what happens during that year.

 

=> Thanks, it's not a bad idea actually! Though I think I will still be keeping my breath for her..

 

 

Try to remember that later on in life when you really are over her, she will be there for you if you ever need a friend. She will not go away forever. I know a year or 2 seems like forever right now, but when that time comes you will be glad you did NC and you can still have her as a friend if you want. Maybe if you reallyheal 100% and get your confidence back you could have another shot at a relationship in a year or two. But by then i bet you wont even want her anymore.

 

=> My confidence is 'healed' very much already, though not completely I guess as I'm still missing her so much. I'm still having dreams about her & these 'signs' like things she talked about to me after the breakup which we are now reading about in English classes..

 

These signs & missing her are trying to tear me down, but till now my mind (telling me to stay with NC) has been stronger than my heart (breaking NC) & that's kind of good progress I think..

[byates5637]

Glad to hear your doing better thursday. I still think about my ex all the time. Every hour i think about a different memory i shared with her, or something i could have done different to still have her. I have realized that if there was one thing i could have done differently to give me a better chance of being with her it was to not break NC all those times and pour my heart out to her. But the past is the past so i have to let it go.

 

I am at 2 weeks of NC right now. This is my 3rd attempt at NC since we broke up about 2 months ago. My longest NC attempt was right after the breakup and it lasted for about 3.5 weeks. Hopefully i will set a new record for myself soon.

 

One thing i have realized through my several failed NC attempts is that the longer that goes by without contact the more my ex seems to want to talk to me. I bet it would be the same in your case. Think about how happy our ex's will be to hear from us after a year of no contact.

 

But listen to this last piece of advice closely because it may be the most important thing in the whole thread. You NEED to start trying to date other girls. The sooner you realize that you can get love from other more reliable sources, the sooner you will not want your ex anymore. So start talking to as many girls as possible, and ask the ones you like if they want to go out sometime.

 

Good luck and keep us posted on how everything is going.

[thursday]

Hi byates!

 

I'm doing better I guess yes.. Though I still think about my almost all the time.. But hey try this when a memory arises, I find it kind of helps me stay on my mental feet: in your mind you visualise the memory, you make it black&white of color, than you draw a gian red cross & kick the image away..

 

I was feeling quite happy this week, even today.. we went on an excursion to the Ardennes with school & it was great fun (especially the little villages with those old farmhouses & Nature...) Till I realised my ex told me she thought I didn't like one-daytrips or something.. (she said that after breakup), that made me sick.

 

I really want to contact her, telling her everything I did, asking her what she's doing.. I want to do stuff with her like today the schooltrip.. I was phantasing about it on the ride home, I feel so ***** stupid, we never did these 'active' things.. It's so depressing that I realise about this NOW. The thought of never doing anything like this again with Her is tearing me down.

 

Maybe I should start following up your advice about meeting and dating other girls, though I already started with socializing a bit more with girls nowadays.. Nothing compares to Her, I know no-one's perfect, but I'm even missing her notsogoodCharacteristics..I guess some people are 'doomed' when it's about love. I hope she's doing good though, especially about her confidencelevel..

 

But hey! Besides Her, I'm starting to make alot of progress on myself as I'm realising I'm doing these new things really for myself which feels great

Somewhere I still hope she's reading along my posts here (I once told her she should read up(join) some things on here for resolving her issue..)

 

bb