Another "does he like me?" dilemma

[subtitled]

The background is that we go to church together. When i first met him 2 years ago i'm sure I probably thought he was attractive but nothing more. I was in a long-term relationship at the time and perfectly content.

 

But just this year i've started leading some kids at our youth group. I look after the 17 year old girls and he looks after the 15 year old boys (I'm 20, he's 21). About two months ago all of us leaders went on a weekend away to plan for the year ahead.

 

As it happened, I had to get a lift with him to our destination - just me and him, which took about 2.5 hours and as you can imagine, it's enough time to work out if you enjoy each other's company.

 

Basically we got on very well. Didn't stop talking the whole time about really meaningful things but also how he had been producing a cd with his new band.

 

Over the weekend there wasn't much time to talk one on one because we were in a group of about 8 others, but he approached me one night to listen to the recently mastered tracks on his new album. To do this, he had to sit down with me on the sofa and let me listen to his ipod. It seemed weirdly intimate at the time, possibly because he was sharing something pretty personal and it was just me and him. Afterwards he suggested that I might write the press release for their cd (i'm a trainee journalist).

 

This whole weekend experience started my head ticking and my heart racing. At the time i was going out with someone who i'd been seeing for just under two years. I felt pangs of guilt etc. because of these feelings i was having for this guy and so I chose to bring it up with my boyfriend. This was helpful, as i was able to pinpoint what it was about this new guy that had me swooning. From my perspective, it was his emotional frankness and love of art in its purest form, both things which my boyfriend perhaps didn't share with me.

 

Ever since this weekend away i've been struggling with my feelings for this boy... and i've been receiving mixed messages.

 

So we communicate in person quite frequently and he's always really engaged in our conversation and smiling/laughing, but there are times when we frequently "ignore" each other, or it seems like that anyway. I notice that if he turns up in a room among others and i'm there, he might wait 10/15 mins before saying hello. It started to feel like a game of playing hard to get. I thought it might be a symptom of going too deep too quickly, like we started our friendship off in such a meaningful place that normal ways of relating to eachother were kind of weird.

 

A few weeks after the weekend away, he gave me a promo copy of his new cd, and said "you're the only person who's heard this outside of the studio". I did wrote him a press release for the cd and we had some friendly if not slightly weird banter over email about what i'd written.

 

During this time, i should explain i was still dating my now ex-boyfriend. I was trying hard to just see this boy as a friend and nothing more, meanwhile my relationship wtih my boyfriend was spiralling.

 

Then, because of very separate issues, my boyfriend and i broke up. There had been tension there much longer than this boy had been on the scene.

 

Now this is the important context: "The boy" came up to me at church of his own volition last weekend and was chatting away for ages. At one point he thanked me for writing the press released and asked if he could take my photo for the profile page of his band's website, i said no because i hate having my photo taken.He got a phone call at some point and rushed out, but then came back in and continued our conversation. Then somehow it came up that one of his friends had this policy of not meeting up with girls one on one (i think not to lead them on). I was slightly perplexed and thought it was a weird policy to have.

 

I got home and mentioned to my housemates this policy of not meeting with girls one on one and they told me that it was the boy that i liked's policy too! So being cheeky, I messaged him on my phone and jokingly asked him out for coffee and he replied "haha that would be fine if [insert my ex boyfriend's name] came too." I wrote back that it was just a joke, but that we'd broken up. He replied "Which bit was the joke? sorry i put my foot in it" and i said, "well i coffee would be lovely, except i was only joking. But [insert ex-boyfriend's name] and I have actually broken up." To this i received no reply.

 

Tonight was the first time i'd seen him since this incident. There was no mention of the incident, only eye contact, joking around and lots of good conversation again. In fact, I purposely didn't seek him out after church, and it seemed he came looking for me. We had a good chat again for about half an hour. When he said he would be going home he asked "how do you normally get home on a sunday?" knowing that i live about an hour away because i just moved out of home. I knew from what he said he was implying he could give me a lift - or at least that's the way it came accross because he seemed concerned. Anyway, i explained that my mum was giving me a lift tongiht and then I said something like "you should come see our place sometime" and he said yes and then we said our goodbyes and he left.

 

Now...all of this excited me...and maybe i'm just reading too much into it, but if his policy is not to meet up with girls one on one incase they get the wrong impression, then how is offering to drive someone home not giving an impression? Also, since he's just found out i'm single again, could this mean anything?

 

My doubts lie in the fact that he's friendly with a bunch of girls at church, one of which he gives lifts to church every week. But i think it really is just because they're good friends and live nearby. She's older than him too.

 

Any thoughts? And how should i be behaving considering the circumstances?

[AwdreeHpburn]

all so complex....

 

Sounds like you may need to simplify.

 

Do you like him? Interested in persuing something?

 

I suggest the direct route. Ask him.

 

Ask him if he is interested in going out with you some time.

 

What's the not going out with girls one on one thing about? I don't get that. So they don't get the wrong impression? Which is?? That he likes them??

 

What if he DOES like a girl and wants to give them the impression that he does. Is that OK? Is it OK to have one on one time with a girl you actually DO like? How weird is this?

 

Anyway, I think the only actual way to find out is to ask.

 

Is it gonna be a big deal if he only wants to be friends and really just likes your personality?

[DN]

I agree - it's like you are engaged in some sort of weird dance where you dance around each other but never actually touch.

 

So - why not just call him and ask him out - clearly, simply and directly.

[Lansing]

Yeah... I think by saying that the coffee thing was "just a joke" he got mixed messages from you...

[subtitled]

Do you like him? Interested in persuing something?

 

Definitely.

 

What's the not going out with girls one on one thing about? I don't get that. So they don't get the wrong impression? Which is?? That he likes them??

 

I think so. My housemate's sister is good friends with him and recently he said they couldn't meet up one on one anymore - weird! Im not sure if it was for his own conscience or to not lead girls on.

 

 

What if he DOES like a girl and wants to give them the impression that he does. Is that OK? Is it OK to have one on one time with a girl you actually DO like? How weird is this?

 

Completely whacked! i know!

 

Is it gonna be a big deal if he only wants to be friends and really just likes your personality?

 

I would get over it, but we have so much in common and i reckon he's hot stuff hah.

 

As for the "just ask him" thing... it just seems a bit forward. We have a friendship which started at a 2.5 hour conversation in a car, and it seems to have complicated thigns because we never did the whole "hang out in a group of friends then move to hanging out one on one thing". Like it went from really intimate to less intimate to uncertain. I think we both want to be friends, because we have a lot in common, i just can't work out if he wants to take it further. I've pursued boys in the past and it hasn't worked out. I'm tempted to wait and see if he makes any more advances,i just didn't know if what had happened so far meant anything.

 

I left a few details of last night's conversation out in my last post as well: when we were chatting he actually referred to our first conversation in the car and said "I might've said this in the car on the way to the moutains". I found this surprising as he's never referred to it before. The other thing was he invited me to his album launch.

 

I guess i sense that now he knows i'm single he's changing the dynamic of our relationship?

[subtitled]

I agree - it's like you are engaged in some sort of weird dance where you dance around each other but never actually touch.

 

That is the best descriptiong yet - that's exactly how it feels!

 

So - why not just call him and ask him out - clearly, simply and directly.

 

Because we've never spoken over the phone before. It's always in person. Also i don't like to ask men out because it seems to always ruin things. I sese that he's just taking time to suss our potential out, seeing as i've only been officially single for jsut over a week now.

[walkingwithaghost]

um we all know about guys in bands. im sorry but if you told him u broke up with ur bf and he didnt reply he's not that into you. unless he's really shy or weird.

 

though i also suggest you just ask him out. especially if you think he might not be aware that you like him. just ask him out, its not that big of a deal.

[walkingwithaghost]

also from what you said (he's in a band, he's friends with lots of girls) he might be one of those guys that flirts with a lot of girls for attention and if you read into it you're wasting your time. so just get it over with and ask him out.