Met Online-Not Warm, Not Connected in Person

[romantic sweetheart]

Hello. Well, I am in a serious situation right now. I met someone online last year, and we have been corresponding intensely for all this time, especially in the past four months.

 

Just four days ago he came out here from England to visit me, and I am utterly devestated at the moment. Online, he was very expressive, warm, spiritual, deep, thoughtful, etc. On the phone, the same. He seemed tender, considerate, passionate and romantic.

 

In person, he seems aloof, disinterested.

 

I don't mean to sound self-important and vain, but I usually am very attractive to men, and they are drawn to me by the way I look. I love being admired for my mind, my soul, my heart, my passion, my poetry, my inner self, but I need to feel desirable as a woman, too.

 

And my new friend seems totally unaffected by my physical presense, so much so that even when he took it upon himself to kiss me, he appeared unmoved, unaffected....might as well have been his sister! That's how I felt. He seems very detached and uninspired. I like men who are more warm and tender and affectionate. I don't do too well with men that are stiff and aloof.

 

I have tried to push aside these feelings, but I can't. I can't begin to describe how devestated I feel. It's as if he is an imposter, and I have no idea how to react to this cool, distant man. It's extremely painful, and I feel that my world has been shattered.

 

I tried to tell myself not to expect too much, not to hope so much, and I thought I had been facing this realistically, but I now realize how much this meeting meant to me, how much I believed he would be this warm, sensual, intense man full of passion, poetry and fire, and direct all that seering desire at me, make me feel alive, make me feel like a woman, make me feel safe and happy.

 

We went roller skaiting last night, and he looked so miserable and angry, that I suggested we leave. He stormed off and threw all of his American money all over the parking lot, leaving me to pick it up. Then he took off, and I couldn't find him anywhere, and I was walking around, calling his name. I was so upset, I just didn't know what to do. By the time he finally appeared, I was sobbing. It was just a nightmare.

 

And he seemed very cold toward me.

 

Oh God, I am at a total loss as to what to do now because he planned on being here for THREE months. The way I feel now, I don't have any idea how to be around him. When I have been with people in the past, I have felt warm and light, felt like I delighted a man, made him weak in the knees and happy to be alive.

 

With this man, I feel like I have no affect whatsoever, and it feels very chilly. It's absolutley devestating to me, because, maybe foolishly, I believed that he would be as he was in the emails. In person, I see a very different picture--a man who is closed, distant and uninspired by my beauty and wit. And it hurts.

 

This hurts like hell. What should I do?

 

And the most important question I have: Do I just have a ridiculous fantasy that a deep, passionate man who loves my writing, my soul, AND who is irresistably drawn to me...could exist in my life? I let go of that idea, and slowly had hope for it again when I met this man. And now, painfully, I let it go again, and hope....hope....there may be healing to the pain.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

it's not at all ridiculous that you desired that., and i think most woman have reacted just as you did. perhaps you should sit him down and tell him in all honesty what you told us. he may be really nervousand thats why he seems so aloof.

[hosswhispra]

Hey romantic sweetheart,

 

He could be just really nervous around you and overcome by your beauty in real life.

 

Deep down he is that man with the fire, poetry and passion...something just needs to bring that out in him in person.

[Beyondthesea]

If you mean you don't feel that spark, that connection together, then it probably won't work out.

 

However, how long has he been there? I would give it time so you two can connect emotionally in person before brushing him aside. Internet relationships are very impersonal no matter how much you speak to one another.

 

Also, you don't have to brush aside your dreams of a man who loves your body and soul...I found mine after many years and years of failed relationships. If he's right, you'll know.

[newbie30]

Wait a minute guys! Why are you guys saying the passion might be deep down and he was intimidated by her looks? Underneath the fact hat he threw his money at her and left her in the parking lot? He acted miserable, angry, and cold when they went out! This guy sounds like he has major problems, and anger issues!

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but I think you should get him out of your life if he acts like this and is making you feel badly. I hope he's not staying with you for three months? Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this...

[BillyJean714]

Wait a minute guys! Why are you guys saying the passion might be deep down and he was intimidated by her looks? Underneath the fact hat he threw his money at her and left her in the parking lot? He acted miserable, angry, and cold when they went out! This guy sounds like he has major problems, and anger issues!

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but I think you should get him out of your life if he acts like this and is making you feel badly. I hope he's not staying with you for three months? Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this...

Completely agreed.

 

Sounds like he's got another woman on his mind, in my opinion. I just get hunches about these things, and often times, I'm right. In your case, sounds like he gets mad at you for the little things as his way to justify his anger towards you. If he really loved you or at least cared, his mistreatment (throwing the cash on the ground) and walking away from you shouldn't happen. That's what people do to you when they KNOW that you treat them right and they have no obvious reasons to walk out. They take you for granted. You're too kind for him to have the heart to break up with you. They'd rather you take action and do the dumping instead. They don't want to do it because they don't want to feel guilty. So they string you along until your eyes are bruised/swollen with tears from crying too much, and then you decide to leave.

 

Btw, I had an ex who took my money and threw it on a grill while we were at a Japanese bbq restaurant in front of everyone. He went as far as shouting at me publicly in restaurants while I'd sit there, whisper and cry, and ask him to "please stop." All he could do was yell and act all irrate and cuss by saying, "F- this s___t". Talk about anger management. I used to cry my eye even to the point when I'd come into work, I'd still be crying, because prior to walking into work, he'd still be yelling screaming, cussing, and hanging up the phone on me. All because of what? Becasue he simply didn't care.

 

It was hard for me to accept this as "fact", because like you, I was used to being treated better by some of the people I dated in the past. I thought things would be even better between us, but it was mere fantasy.

 

That's why I agree with the above poster. Don't let this happen to you. His throwing the money on the floor and neglecting you the way he did only tells me that he has an abusive behavior. Might not be as apparent now, but don't be surprised later on, when he treats you even worse. Then you'd be nothing but yesterday's trash to him. He'll only continue on mistreating you if you let him. Don't let it happen.

 

You don't deserve this.

[Diggitydave]

Are you sure you aren't just shocked that he wasn't all over you?

 

 

 

For instance, most of the guys I know think Pam Anderson is ridiculously gorgeous. I think she's hideous and I find women that they think are hideous, attractive.

[Beyondthesea]

Whoaaaaa sorry I missed the part about him storming off like that.

 

Nope, he is no longer relationship potential. Acting like that = relationship dismissal. He has anger issues and mental problems you do NOT want to have to deal with.

 

Tell him he can spend the rest of his visit somewhere else.

[deep_mode]

As a widow, I would just like to say that if you have not been bereaved, please don't post in this forum. I find it upsetting and slightly bizarre that you consider breaking up to be grief and I am almost offended by your comparison. I come on here to give support, to offer my condolences to the bereaved etc as others do.

 

Trust me on this one, you may feel that you are grieiving but to the ones who have lost a life partner or a child through death know exactly what I mean. Grief is a million times more distressing and shouldn't be compared to a break-up or rejection.

 

But also, when you put your post in this forum, you may not get the reponses from those who understand your situation. Thanks.

[Beyondthesea]

Deep it could just be that she posted it here by accident! This forum is for grief & loss also, not just death. However, if you feel these posts are inappropriate, you can easily tell by the topic if it isn't something you don't want to read.

 

Romantic how are things now?

[hosswhispra]

As a widow, I would just like to say that if you have not been bereaved, please don't post in this forum. I find it upsetting and slightly bizarre that you consider breaking up to be grief and I am almost offended by your comparison. I come on here to give support, to offer my condolences to the bereaved etc as others do.

 

Trust me on this one, you may feel that you are grieiving but to the ones who have lost a life partner or a child through death know exactly what I mean. Grief is a million times more distressing and shouldn't be compared to a break-up or rejection.

 

But also, when you put your post in this forum, you may not get the reponses from those who understand your situation. Thanks.

 

With all due respect, deep mode, I thoroughly disagree with you. Grief is grief.

How do you know what romantic sweetheart is feeling?

 

Grief is experienced after a break-up/end of a relationship.

 

Deep mode, I feel for you. My own father died a year and a half ago after a 16 month battle with cancer. So I know what grief is about. My mother is a widow like you are. But I don't think you should tell romantic sweetheart not to post in the grief and bereavement forum.

[newbie30]

Hello Romantic Sweetheart, how are you doing?

 

I agree with hosswhispra. i'm very sorry for your loss, but like ahe said- Grief is grief. I'm sure Romantic Sweetheart feels alot of pain, and while it may not be comparable in your eyes to what you are going through, I think we post here to help each other, no matter the 'level' of grief. I would not tell someone who posted in 'breaking up' to go post in 'dating' because they had only been with their significant other for a couple weeks. Please try to be sensitive to other peoples pain, wherever it is posted.

 

hosswhispra, i'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope you are doing better, and your mom as well.

[wlfpack81]

Deleted by user

[Ross_K]

I think this is why it's best to just meet someone you've met online straight away. Being in a relationship first or developing feelings for someone online could turn into a soul crushing disappointment when you meet them for real and they don't even seem like the same person.

 

Anyway, it does seem really weird how he got really angry, threw your money on the floor and left you in the parking lot just because you wanted to leave.

 

Kick him to the kerb, girl.

[deep_mode]

Hosswispra,

There are plenty of forums e.g. relationships, breaking up, cyber relationships, etc, etc etc but only one truly for the Bereaved.

 

So what about us? Should we have to discuss our loss, the fact that we saw them lay dead,were shot, took their own lives,and the horrors we have lived through, should we look for support from people who have felt the same 'in the middle' of a forum full of break-ups even though this forum is actually designed specifically for the bereaved?

That is unfair and I am actually put off by your attitude in even discussing my loss and horrendous emotional pain, my childrens pain and our lives falling apart when he died now.

 

I would also like to say that 'grief is NOT just grief. Losing my husband of 24 years is a trauma beyond anything you can imagine, it's nothing like a break-up or rejection AT ALL as I'm sure you're Mum will tell you.

 

All I am saying is please consider us the bereaved who are looking for support and help from likewise people when picking the place to post your break-up etc and I am sorry you felt offended by me and my opinion but now I feel the offended one for speaking up for myself and others who may feel the same.

[hosswhispra]

Dear deep mode,

 

I am truly sorry if you felt offended by my post. You are right, I don't know what it is like for me to have a spouse die. I do know your heart is breaking from the death of your husband. My mom cries every day...so I can only imagine what you may feel. After 17 months, my own heart is still shattered from my father's death. I am still in the grieving process myself. In fact, tomorrow is my Dad's birthday...and I find that the birthdays, the holidays are when my grief is greatly accentuated.

 

I want you to know that I was not offended by your original post. I just wanted to express that a break-up can bring on the feelings of grief--a healing process that we must all go through. A break-up is definitely not the same as a death (as death is permanent and some break-ups aren't)....but those who experience a break-up will also go through their own grieving/healing process.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

hosswhispra

[StarSteel]

Deep, I understand that you are going through a lot of pain right now. But I can't condone or even dismiss your actions right now. Who are you to take your pain and direct it in anger to others who have not felt your pain? Are you going to yell at a 2-year-old because his ice-cream cone fell on the ground? Of course not. Your terrible loss, as painful as that may be, does not justify you to get mad at people who are in a different place as you. Are everyone who haven't felt loss to your degree to simply shrug their shoulders and say "hey, it could be worse"? Maybe you should do that, because you haven't gone through the pain of having your entire family murdered in front of you. Should someone, going through that kind of trauma, come on here and have the right to get mad at you for your loss? Of course not.

 

I'm sorry to sound cruel, and I know I've certainly come accross that way. But your anger at others for being unhappy with their smaller losses is inexusable and it's something you need to learn to accept. Others are in different places as you. Getting angry at others is NOT a healthy way of grieving. I'm sorry.

[deep_mode]

With all due respect StarSteel, when someone kills your wife in the years to come you may get an understanding of how I feel, until then please don't tell me how I should or should not grieve. I am doing the best I can.

 

I was not angry with the original poster, I was merely tying to get accross my point that 'Grief, loss and bereavment' was for people who have lost someone through death so sorry if I came accross that way but I feel I was correct in my thoughts on the subject.

 

But I AM happy to see that my post has had a positive effect and this thread has been moved to the correct place, so thank you to the Moderators who understood what I was trying to say and why I said it.

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi everyone--I just wanted to post how things are going--Not so well, and I appreciate everyone's advice very much. In response do deep mode, I understand that my loss may seem trivial compared to yours, but like I read in "Man's Search for Meaning" by a holocaust survivor, a man's grief fills him up entirely, and cannot be compared to anyone elses. Grief is an emotion each of us feels distinctly, and we cannot judge others for feeling what they do. Any sort of loss in life causes grief, and we must mourn this loss, be it a pet, a loved one, a job, a move, etc. Judging others for feeling sorrow is denying the compassion all of us can feel for one another no matter the cause of the pain.

 

As for my situation, it's sadly not improved, and all of you who have been here to help me have been very kind and understanding, and I appreciate that. I posted on this forum because I was feeling a lot of pain. I wasn't making a political statement or moaning about how only my pain is worthy of attention. I just put this post here to share my story and hopefully find some nice words of encouragement.

 

I now realize that this man has no feelings for me, and I am coming to terms with that. I am hurt, yes, but I will try to approach this in a dignified manner, and I understand that I took a risk, a not all of our risks pay off the way we want them to. I would have hoped we could have as deep and caring connections as we had online, but it wasn't meant to be that way.

 

I, too, am leery of interent connections, and I really wasn't looking for one. But I met this person on an online forum, and he wanted to meet me. I have had a failed internet connection before, and I would much rather meet someone in person, but I decided to take another chance just to see.

 

I am heart-wrenchingly devestated, but I will get past this and be deepened in my feeling and appreciation for life's mystery.

 

Blessings to everyone who wrote to me--I really appreciate everything you said, and especially those who defended me for posting in this forum.