Don't distance yourself too far from your ex!

[onmyownagain]

You hear on here all the time that when you split up you should cut off your ex completely, dump all feelings for them, their health is not your concern etc.

 

But what if in a few months you get back with them as I have with my wife.

 

You have all these barriers up which make you extremely selfish. I have been home now for three months and realised the other day that my wife and daughter have been on eggshells around me because I am now so uncompromising about anything.

 

I have used the expression I will not take any more * * * * from anyone and wont be made a fool of.

 

The only thing is, for a relationship to work you have to make lots of compromises, so I am buggering things up if I don't let go.

 

So now I am trying to let go and be a bit more easy going, but boy, doesn't that go against the grain!

[MetalGuitar]

That is very much a valid point. Thanks for pointing it out. Ironic huh...?

[southerngirl]

Good luck! Are you and your wife in counseling?

[gratefulpain]

Glad youre doing ok..... u said

(You have all these barriers up which make you extremely selfish)

 

That happened to me in my relationship, and what led to my relationships end.

So much went un-adressed, so much was swept under the rug, so much was never resolved that I became distant and started to not like myself for all that I was accepting. I didnt like myself and was unable to give much love because I didnt love myself at the time...

 

Im not a psychologist but I wish there had been more talking and less distance...

 

be carefull

take care

my .02

[evy38]

There is a difference between doing NC to have the peace, and space, to heal and refusing to compromise once you've gotten back together. It sounds like you are still dealing with alot of bitterness toward your wife. That is what is getting in the way of your relationship. Not any residue disconnect from trying to heal. Once you return to a relationship, you must be prepared to forgive and work at it. If you don't feel you can do that 100%, it's best to leave it be, because it won't survive half-hearted attempts.

[Ash]

I don't think generally advice to drop all your feelings and not care about your ex is made. No contact is simply intended to be just that, not a loss of everything else.

 

It's not unusual for people when parting to swing completely the other way and feel they hate the person they used to love, and in this case of course no contact is merely a consequence of those feelings. However, for those stuck in turmoil and indecision, giving themselves and the other some emotional space (as Evy points out) can be very helpful.

 

Generally a breakup occurs for valid reasons, and if the breakup is to be permanent then that's really it - there is no need for a continued communication about why things are how they are. You have to move on and if you're suffering as a result of a relationship gone bad, I'm not sure if the person if went bad with is truly the best person to help sort out the problems. If it's truly awful then counselling might be necessary. If it's a painful experience that's taking a while to get past but isn't debilitating then hanging out with friends, family and new hopes and letting the past stay in the past is generally thought of as being a better way to deal with things.

 

It sounds like there are other issues going on here. It sees as though no contact in your case worked as it sometimes can, and you got back together. Had you stayed in contact, perhaps you wouldn't be back? Not sure. But if you just got back together, and your mood is black, and people are on eggshells around you, then you may want to have a really good think about whether it's a good idea about whether you should be back. I don't think the no contact guidelines given out on this site have much at all to do with how you are feeling.

[Diggitydave]

If you know that you need work then what's wrong with staying out of contact for a while?

[kadvati79]

I have this concept, that I have described previously, of being the "bigger person". I think sometimes we have to make a choice if we want to be this person or not in our lives. Nothing is every really equal, and in a good relationship there should be sharing of this "bigger person" function. But lets face it - some people are just better at life, emotions, choices etc...

 

Being the bigger person requires huge strength, a solid heart, alot of self esteem, and opens you right up for abuse and pain.

 

If you really love someone, and the love really means something to you (and it was a healthy relationship) - then I think you have the choice of being the bigger person at the end to try and work things out after some time apart. But to do this - you need to realise you could get incredibly hurt and shaken in the process.

[NubianLove]

I disagree, if your ex truly loved you, and still does, NC wont stop that love for you. NC is a wya of you making yourself a better person, so that even if you do end up back together, it can be something healthy. You would have grown as a person, and sometimes you might even realize you dont want to deal with the person that they still are, if they never improved themselves.