Will Women and Men Ever Seen Eye To Eye on Porn?

[spunkykatt]

It's been awhile since I posted, I thought my issues were starting to work themselves out, but since I'm here I guess they haven't. Anyways, I have been doing a lot more searching on answers about why men and women feel and see things so differently about the use of pornography, and well as much as I want to think I'm fine with it, and that I should not feel angry, threatened, or hurt by my partner using it when I am not around...well that's just not true. This is something that I have been on the fence about for sometime now, and I have done all that I can think of to make myself see it from a guys perspective...and to understand how it is that guys can differentiate between the women in porn and the women in their lives. I like to think that I'm pretty open, I mean I have struggled so hard to grasp the idea of looking at random women for sexual gratification while being in a "healthy" normal adult relationship, that I even pay for my partner to have a subscription to porn, and unlimited downloads of it. Now I have to wonder...was that right??? Should we as women sacrifice our own values in order to make it acceptable for our lovers to idealize random women while self gratifying themselves? Men want us to "understand" that when they watch porn it has nothing to do with us, and it's just a "means to an end"....well how much real honesty is there in that statement??? ALOT, we as women try to analyze and reason why our lovers/partners want to see another woman's naked body, when they could see ours...but why? I think the answer has been right there all along, and it's actually in the statement that men give us...."it has nothing to do with us, or how they see us". Wow, how those words hurt so much, when you stop trying to figure out why men do it, and just absorb the reason they give you. Maybe that's why we try so hard to figure out what porn gives to a man that he doesn't find with his partner. How cruel can one human be to another, when after committing to a person he/she is found lusting after another person's body...and for what purpose, sexual gratification?

I know a lot of men are saying this is "crap" porn is about sex, or has nothing to do with how they see their partner, or how they feel...etc...and to them I say... I agree 100%. Porn is one of the most selfish things one can indulge in, especially if you have a partner. Granted there are women who honestly see no harm in their partner watching it, and that's great, but the majority of women do feel hurt and betrayed when they find that the man they love is "enjoying" the body of another women. How could a woman not feel threatened? We are raised that if you're not skinny, have long beautiful hair, ample breasts, or perfect skin then you're not desirable. Porn only reinforces these unrealistic views, and when a woman already sees flaws in herself and then finds her partner watching "in her eyes" a more appealing woman to masturbate to, well she can't help but feel inferior. If she had been pretty enough, sexy enough, or skinny...etc then he wouldn't need to look at those things..."that's how many women see it". Men can talk to they are blue in the face but unless they can change society then there is no room for porn in the majority of relationships.

Its not just about the sex, women find watching sex a turn on just as much as men, its about perception, and how most porn is geared towards showing "unrealistic" women, those with firm bodies, large breasts, and well take it with a smile...those women are not the norm, and to be honest...if I found my partner watching porn that involved real women, those that had dimples on their thighs, or a little belly fat, well I wouldn't be nearly as self absorbed about my body, nor feel as hurt by him watching porn. To be a woman and see your partner gratify himself watching someone who you could never be, well it just hurts.

So yes men I understand porn "has nothing to do with the woman your with" but it does have to do with desire, and desire for a woman whom your not with, and that's what hurts women the most. Let us be enough, because men your more than enough for your women

[rekrapshyguy]

wow. I never thought of it that way... but of course i've never had a partner either. I look at it cuz I don't have a partner that I can have sex with. But, as a guy, I need to make a point. Isn't it true that men get hornier more than women? I mean, most men are fantasizing about women, like, alot. Well, the female partner can't very well make love to her partner every time he need a good masterbation can she? Thus, to cancle out the added percintige of hornyness, men sometimes have to look at digital boobs.

[spunkykatt]

Well no, men and women both have the same amount of sex drive, thats just a excuse I think men use alot of times to feel justification for the porn. I also agree that a woman cant very well have sex every time her partner feels the need, and vise versa, but shouldnt a man have restraint? If he indeed is that built up, then he would more than like have great sex with his partner verses looking at a random girl for gratification. Not to mention how much it would it would mean to his partner knowing he didnt opt for the porn,but rather wanted to have the real thing, and thats what its all about.

[rekrapshyguy]

well, guess I need to get my facts right next time. But, I need to make another point. Porn is extreamly addicting... its like a drug. Guys probably look at it even after they get a partner cuz they looked at it when they didn't have one. Of course, thats not excusing the fact that this is bad. Its kinda like if a mother did drugs and got addicted to them, and had a baby, she shouldn't do drugs anymore. But she's still addicted, so its haard to stop.

[rekrapshyguy]

Guys always want what they dont have

 

The way I see it, HUMANS always want what they don't have. Guys just happen to want yet another girl.

[spunkykatt]

Its not about wanting another girl or guy, its about not understanding how it makes your partner feel when you lust for another person, even gratifiy yourself over them. Thats my point, it hurts to be told "it has nothing to do with my feelings for you" or "its not a big deal" etc....its all about how you make that person feel..

[Alpine Stars]

Are you out of your mind??? Do you really believe what you posted?? Being a guy let me just tell you this....Porn is right up there for a guy like a cold beer after a long day at work or watching your favorite team win the big game. It's a guys last bastian of personal entertainment that as usual most women do not enjoy. I am engaged and I love to look at all kinds of porn...is my fiance happy about it? She's not thrilled by it and if the mood is just right she will watch it with me, but most importantly she is understanding about it!! If she wasn't then we might have a problem but unlike most men I am lucky enough to have one of those one in a million women that does not get jealous over porn movies. For a woman to get jealous over that to me is ridiculous....yes there are hot chicks in them and yes they may do things that I might have to fantasize about, but that's just it for men....it all comes down to fantasy....it's the same as when I am watching my favorite football team play and there are plenty of times where I would like to be out there on the field playing with the greats in the big game, but as we all know it's fantasizing.

 

To this day I still cannot understand why alot of women are jealous of porn?? Where does it end? Is it because we might be enjoying it and your not? That is selfish...we are all adults here and we all know the difference between fantasy and reality right??

 

As far as your comment goes about women being equally as horny as men?? Yea' right! You can read all of the studies you want or polls, but as far as my life experience goes.....women are way behind men in the horny department. There are countless examples I could give you from high school to now of realtionships of friends of mine or from personal experience where pretty much most of the time the woman is "too tired" to get excited about anything or the classic and I love this one "Is that all you guys think about?". Yea' that screams horny to me, so when we are faced with these little "dilemmas" what are we to do? Wait until you are in the mood? Sorry, doesn't work that way...my body is ready then and there and if the woman is not, then guess what is? PORN!! All it really is if you want to know is a quick fix most of the time and then other times watching it might be just out of curiosity.

 

Bottom line for men is....porn is one of lifes great extras...it always has been since we have been teenagers and pretty much most normal guys know where the line is between porn and reality, so please give us a break already!

[spunkykatt]

God...let me tell you, I am 99% of the time more into wanting sex than my boyfriend...so dont go telling me that men want it more than women, and for your information if you "had" read the post I do pay for a porn subscription for my boyfriend to use when I am not around....so how are you going to say that I dont understand... As far as being more horney...please, I have always been more excited about sex than any guy I have ever dated, but to be honest the use of porn does seem to make me less into sex, just the thought of him watching it well kinda makes me feel like I dont need to put any effort into sex, I mean why would I...he has his porn. Also your comment about you fantasy about sports...sure you may think about it, but do you masterbate to it...no probably not. So dont compare the two and dont compare me to someone else, you have no clue.

[Bethany]

I've posted my views several times on porn, and I STILL cannot see why porn is such an issue between women and men.

I myself love porn, I will watch it alone, with a partner, read magazines etc because it turns ME on. I'm just doing what I want to do and because I like it.

 

In my eyes, it's a masturbation tool when alone and a turn on and a lead up to better things when I am with a partner. No big deal and I do get great sex out of it.

 

I agree with the men on this one everytime. If a woman feels threatened it's because there is something going on in HER head not his, and it's a problem SHE should deal with instead of trying to make the man feel like some sort of cheating lover, or worse, a pervert. Get a grip women.

[Alpine Stars]

I have no clue?? Who's the guy here? I am saying that you do not understand...yes I am saying that!! Why? Even though you bought him that subscription you obviously did not do it with the best intentions and you even said yourself that "him watching it makes you feel less into sex"? Now if that were the case then why in the hell would you buy him a subscription to it and then come on here and tell the world how unhappy you are about it?

 

Also, when you say "Why would I, he has his porn"....hello!!! I just got through explaining to you what is going on in the mans mind and you obviously have some self worth issues that somehow make you feel that insecure over some damn porno movies?? Come on! Let me use my comparison one more time.....fantasy - porn movie...NOT REAL LIFE/reality - he has you who he totally and utterly loves and these movies most likely make him want you even more, so please don't think he wants to run off and join the porn business and like I said same goes for football...fantasy - watching the game and wanting to be on the field playing in it and leaving everything behind to go try out for the team - watching the game and enjoying it for its intentional entertainment value and then going about your daily business. It's entertainment....give him a break. Are you going to keep crucifying him like this or look down on him for something your supposedly so "understanding" or "open" about??

 

About your sex drive...that's awesome! It's too bad that all women in the world couldn't be more like you or my fiance. I was generalizing based on personal experience throughout my life and hearing those types of things from my buddies and even some past experiences. Like I said I generalized in that post...much like your generalizing of all men not being able to know or understand the blurry line between a porn movie and the real physical actual love of our lives !!! Sorry to break it to you, but all men overall like porn and they always have and always will (some more than others) and what it basically comes down to like I said before is....it is just one more form of entertainment for men and whether you do like it or you do not that is your problem and you need to figure out a way to deal with it, so you can either stop putting on the show for him that your "ok with it" and tell him how it is really making you feel or you can keep doing what you are doing which will eventually only hurt and damage your relationship with him because you never said anything.

[girl_83]

i honestly have no problem what so ever with my bf watching porn or looking at naked females on the net/magzines/tv etc. It doesnt bother me at all..i was actually telling my bf to go to a strip club for his birthday with his friends. Some girls consider porn to be a normal thing for every guy to watch and theres some girls that cant handle the fact that their man is gettin pleasure off another female or looking at another naked female. To me as long as theres no touching involved im fine with it. To each their own i guess

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

You can masturbate without porn.

 

Thats a great post.

 

Men who use porn arnt perverted as such, but exactly as Katt says...I'm a woman, right? So I'm meant to be OK with the thought of my boyfriend getting aroused/using his sexuality with images of other women? Thats just downright insulting to me. So I turn him on, and images turn him on...Im on a par with flat, static images? (or films. You know what I mean.) I'm just yet another thing, aside from pics/films, for him to get turned on by?

 

It makes me sick.

 

Fair enough, if you are single...use porn if you must. Although I have to say, before porn was invented there were plenty of years in the human race without it, so what did guys do then?! Porn is not a human right or a necessary outlet for *all that male sex drive*.

 

You wouldnt, whilst out with your girlfriend, see an attractive woman, drop your pants etc would you? You'd understand that she'd be hacked off, right? Yet when you go home and switch on a PC and watch porn, that is what you are doing.

 

Disgusting. It's getting to the stage where I'm realising I loathe it so much its almost a cause for ending my current relationship...hes offered to stop his occasional viewing of it as it upsets me so much, but I dont want to feel like a nagging b**ch .. can't win. I feel ugly as hell, even though my measurements are falling in line with Kate Moss's through working out/eating less.

 

If Im enough for him sexually, it should be me, occasional looks at other women etc that are sufficient, not naked stuff of other women for him to get off to. Conclusion - Im inadequate. I dont want to feel inadequate. thereforeeee, I have a problem with it. (This is after a very long internal search to find out what I think about it. I used to be very liberal and *all for* porn).

 

Whew, quite the rant there. Im crying now...great.

[TheFallenShadow]

This is a wide open topic and i believe that it is up to each person and how they deal with this issue, some dont have a problem with it, while others do

[Day_Walker]

All that matters with porn is how the two people feel about who are involved in the relationship. Everyone is going to have their personal feelings about the topic. There is a level of appropriateness in a relationship and those boundaries are going to vary greatly. I think the root of this problem is a classic misunderstanding between women and men.

[Karibo]

I don't see the problem with men or women watching porn even if they are in a relationship - i mean it's not exactly cheating because everyone knows the difference between fantasy and reality. I watch porn all the time! It is just such a thrill and I don't think it's bad at all. I think the main appeal of it is the variety it brings. It's just something different and it is nothing to do with if you're partner is satisfied with you or not in most cases anyway.

 

It is natural for us humans to be curious, to always want to see and experience new things and this is what porn does. It stimulates the mind (as well as other areas!) and keeps sex fresh and fun.

 

When i was a bit younger and had more hang-ups about my own body, i admit i did become very jealous of my boyfriend watching it and i did feel a bit betrayed, but that was because i was insecure and didn't realise that really it is just harmless fun. I began to realise this when i started watching it for myself and realised that no, it did not effect how i felt about my boyfriend the slightest in watching other men having sex.

 

I think you should give it a go yourself - there are a lot of stuff designed for women these days. Maybe if you watch it and start to enjoy it for yourself, you'll realise that it really is harmless.

[Karibo]

It's like saying that women who use sex toys even though they are in a relationship are betraying their partner, which i've heard some men feel inadequate against. it's just not true - it's just about variety and pleasing yourslef when you're alone or to add spice to the relationship.

[Bethany]

Sure we can maturbate without porn, but why the hell should we? We like it and we are adults and we can do whatever the hell we like in our own time and with our own bodies.

I for one will not stop because I like it and NO amount or pressure can make me feel like it's sick or perverse because I LIKE IT and it turns me on. I'll do what ever I like in my own time and if others don't like it, tough!.

[Karibo]

I think women/men who hassle their partners to stop watching porn will just be seen as a nag to be honest. Fair enough, relationships are about compromise sometimes but you have to get a grip! The whole point of porn is that it's a fantasy! it's not gunna happen in real life! It just shows that alot of people who dissaprove and feel angry are unhappy within themselves and feel threatened by this, and your insecurities will just shine through and become a bit of a pain to your partner if you keep nagging and stressing them about it. If a guy asked me to stop watching porn for him, i would think he was being rediculous. I mean porn is definetly not everything lol but I need someone who is secure enough in themselves to not be bothered about it. Luckily, most men seem to think it's brilliant if a woman likes watching porn!

[Karibo]

I just found this quote from a guy called 'Likes The Porn' on here. Explains it perfectly:

 

"Where am I... the Middle Ages?

 

Porn is fine. I am downloading some porn right now. In fact, I only found this forum because I was doing a search for 'porn forum' in the hope of finding some free movies posted by other pornlovers. (really)

 

I was compelled to register just so I could clear this up.

 

There is nothing wrong with porn. Men watch it because they like it. They like it because it's a fantasy.

There is nothing wrong with fantasies. Men and women have them. Perhaps women don't use porn as much, but they certainly do (be honest) fantasise. And the subject of their fantasy is not always their boyfriend.

 

I have a girlfriend of four years. I look at porn. I rarely masturbate when I am looking at porn, but I may use it when I want to masturbate. I look at porn while I am surfing the net... purely because it is a lot more interesting than watching pages download (I have a slow connection).

 

I fantasise about my girlfriend a lot too.

 

Fantasy is essential to men and women as conscious sexual animals. A fantasy is your own, for your own pleasure. it teaches you about yourself, about your desire and about your sexuality. just like masturbation (let's not regress so far into the stone age as to suggest that masturbation is bad).

 

If a man cheats on his girlfriend, it has nothing to do with porn. Porn is not related to cheating in any way. There is no physical contact, there is no relationship, there is no interaction. The man is pleasing himself. He can't cheat with himself.

 

Porn is generally tailored for men. I let my girlfriend know that I look at porn (well, she caught me looking at it, but I never tried to hide it... I didn't tell her beforehand as I was afraid she would react exactly the way most of the posters in this forum have reacted).

She tried looking at it with me, but she didn't like the sight of facial shots and all the other degrading stuff. she didn't like the fact that it was all so synthesised. She wanted to watch people that really loved each other having sex.

 

So we bought 'The Lovers Guide'. If you haven't heard of it, it's a sort of documentary about making love, with real-life couples illustrating scenes.

You should buy it.

 

It was realeased in the mid-80s. The narrator explains how important fantasies are... which backs up my above points. There's some interesting bits in it, but the most important thing about it was the love scenes. They were real.

My girlfriend found them very erotic. We still watch the video on occasion, together. Sometimes she uses it on her own. We went and bought the whole series of Lovers Guides so she didn't get bored of the first one.

 

This is as close to female porn as I have seen. My girlfriend fantasises about it. She likes to watch the men masturbate and the couples make love.

 

She is not by nature a kinky or highly-sexed girl. Quite the opposite, actually. However, this fed her fantasies, and I accept and support that.

 

Ahem, she also thinks Brad Pitt is gorgeous. I'm sure most women do and have perhaps thought about him a few times. I'm sure a lot of women have gone to see a movie PURELY because Brad Pitt was in it.

 

Why?

 

To look at him, cos he's cute of course. He's a fantasy.

 

Not quite porn, but born from the same idea, the same urge that drives people to watch porn.

 

Bottom line: Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is good. thereforeeee: Porn is good.

Women fantasise too.

 

If you feel inadequate as a woman, it is not because of the porn. Perhaps it is your boyfriend's attitude, perhaps it is your attitude. Men are put in the same position when women fawn over famous movie stars.

I collected my girlfriend from a Chippendale concert once. The women were going ab-sol-ute-ly mental.

 

Should I feel inadequate? Probably. But we love each other and that's the end of it. We like the way each other looks. Neither of us would be movie stars of models, but we are attracted to each other, physically and emotionally, and that is enough.

 

We are honest and open about it. If it is the dishonesty that is upsetting you, then there is a problem with your relationship. Honesty is the cornerstone... blah blah blah...

Of course, it makes it a lot harder to be honest about looking at porn when the prevailing attitude amongst women is that porn is the enemy and looking at it means that he is not satisfied with the way they look.

 

If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be with you.

 

If you have a problem, it is not the porn's fault.

 

So QUIT RAGGING ON THE PORN ALREADY."

[Tjane]

I just wanted to say that I am another woman that doesnt mind... I did when I was younger but now that I am older and secure in myself I know that no matter who he looks at they will never be me, and hes with me for a reason. I also would rather my man go to a strip club than a regular club, but thats just me. I will even watch it with him. The only time I would have a problem is if it took something away from me, If he did his own thing and it interfered in what I wanted maybe later in the day maybe but I dont see how that would happen as it hasnt come up....

[heavensent]

I think this is a great post and I agree with you 100%. It hurts me to know that my husband looked at porn BEFORE me..let alone him being WITH me and looking at it. I know a lot of people disagree and this is such a controversial topic but I think that porn is a form of cheating. If you are married or in a relationship you should be committed to just one person..and that means emotionally and physically. But luckily I have a man that respects and understands that...I think it halfway comes down to a man's morals. I don't care what anyone says....not EVERY MAN is into porn.

[novaseeker]

As I have said elsewhere, this is something I see as a compatibility issue.

 

Women have a right, if they choose, to to choose a partner who does not use porn, if they find that unacceptable. It's a perfectly valid perspective.

 

However, I refuse to see porn use as "objectively" bad because there are couples that use porn, and who know one of the partners uses porn alone as well ... and they work. They are compatible and on the same page about porn, so it works.

 

To me it's all about compatibility. What doesnt work is this: finding a man who uses porn regularly, and then trying to get him to stop. That may happen in rare cases, but in most cases it doesn't. As with any other characteristic you may find undesirable in a partner, you should never assume you can change your partner to suit your own needs, so it's something to discuss and ferret out fairly early in a relationship if it's an important issue for you, so that you can assess compatibility.

[heavensent]

NOVASEEKER - I completely agree. I have strong morals against pornography and I have found a guy who feels the same way as I do. Although he hasn't always felt this way..I think it's normal for a guy in his teens to be curious enough to look and see what it's all about. It's the guys that become addicted and continue to look into their 20's that really enjoy it for what it is and not for the curiosity factor. Anyway, it's true, you can't change them and if you tell them not to do it, chances are they will just hide it and do it behind your back. I'm lucky enough to have a wholesome man with the same morals and values as me.

[melrich]

Novaseeker, I completely agree. The issue is compatability. Using porn per se is not inherently bad behaviour. If your use or otherwise has a negative affect on your relationship then it becomes a factor in the relationship and to me that factor is compatability.

 

I liked the example another member used. Some men feel insecure about their partners using oversize dildos. Again the useage is not a problem, it's the impact it's having on the relationship.

 

To me, if your partner using porn makes you feel insecure about your own sexual attractiveness to them then you have probably 2 choices, be with someone who doesn't use porn (and despite all the posts to the contrary there are many men who don't in my experience) or ask you partner to make a compromise. If he/she doesn't then you have a compatability problem.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

i don't really see a problem with my partner using/ watching porn, as long as that isn't replacing our intimacy. then i can understand why a woman may have issues with it. aside from that, the occasional view of it, isn't a big deal