Extreme Verbal Abuse

[edh1977]

Hello all, this is actually my first post but I don't know where else to go. I am in love with this guy who is the most absolute verbally abusive person I have ever met in my life. He is worse than my father ever was and trust me, that is bad.

 

Anyway, we met on a "hook-up" site almost 2 years ago. We seemed to hit it off. During the time that we were "dating" I noticed several things about him. One, he was very verbally abusive to his mother and 2 he had an extreme addiction to pornography. During the time we were dating, he continued to stay on that hook-up site and claimed he was only chatting. OK, first of all, you don't just chat on a hook-up site. That is not what they are made for LOL. At first it didn't bother me but we were supposed to be "exclusive" if that means anything anymore. Well the first time I can remember the abuse was when I questioned him about coming off of the site. He disagreed at first, then agreed to it. There was a 2-3 week period before he agreed to it in which I "investigated" my suspisions. Well I found an email where some guy stated that "he had a great time last night and he was welcome to come back and visit anytime . The he was great in bed." I confronted him about that and he went completely crazy. Cussing at me, calling me names, denying the email and the incident.

 

Shortly after that, he dissappeared for a week. He phone was off, there was no way to get into touch with him, so I just said forget it and was trying to move on. During this time, there was another guy that was pursuing me, so I said yes to a date. We were out on our first "date" and low and behold after a week of nothing, HE calls. I told him I had to let him go because I couldn't talk. He asked if I was with someone? I told him yes and I would talk to him later. He called back I know 20 x's before I had to just cut my phone off. Over the course of that weekend, me and this other guy hung out and had a blast. However, my home phone and cell phone were ringing off the hook. Each night, I had messages that ranged from I love you, I had to go away to find that out, to go to *ell and die! I was like he is crazy.

 

Well when I got to work that Monday, I had an email from him at my work email. It was a very sweet and convincing letter about how he loved me and couldn't bear the thought of me not being his. I asked him then why did he dissappear with no call? He said his phone died and he couldn't call. I told him, you know there still are land lines that people use. He gave me some lame excuse about not being able to call. I asked him where he went? He told me Atlanta. I asked him if he went to hook-up, he said no, but to this day, I still do not believe that one.

 

Anyway I accepted his offer and we went full on into a relationship. We moved in together, everything was going good except for the fact that he hadn't had a job since before we met and he was living off of his mother. We met while his father was sick with cancer and in the course of our relationship his father died and that has been his excuse to not only me but everyone about why he is the way he is. First off, he was that way before his father ever passed and I even heard his father tell him that he hope that his death would change him, it only made it worse.

 

In January of last year, i lost my job as well. I was on unemployment, he wasn't working and I was already completely drained financially at this point because I was having to use everything I had to keep him and myself afloat.

 

Then things took a turn for even worse. One night, in a disagreement, about his "conversations" and porn addictions online, I decided I was going to just disconnect the internet. I turned to do so and he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt from behind and started dragging me down the hallway. It was everything I could do just to muster up the strength to get turned around and start hitting and kicking where I could to get away. He finally let go, only to end it with a blow to my head with his fist. He HAD NEVER been physically violent until that point. Keep in mind, I am 5'9" and he is 6'2". At that point I started questioning, whether his last 2 break ups were really, the "other" guys' faults. I do know that the police were called on him at the end of both of those relationships.

 

Anyway, like and idiot, I stayed with him. During that time, he hit me again when we were arguing. This time because I said I was going to take AOL off of MY computer. We were in each others face, and hauled of and slapped me so hard accross the eyes that I saw stars. I was in complete disbelief at this point. That was Memorial day weekend of last year and low and behold my family was up visiting with my aunt and uncle who lived right down the road. I had no choice but to go visit. Well immidiately when I got there, everyone noticed the black eye. I told them I did, classic come back huh? They knew better and from that point on, he wasn't allowed to come back to visit with the family anymore.

 

Little o co-dependent me stuck in there though. However, after all of the fights, abuse and all the hitting before I decided it was best that I leave. I left only to return to be nice and help him pack his stuff. Now mind you I had even left my computer and my TV so he could entertain himself. Well he got drunk that night, we started to argue again and he hit me again and I literally lost it at that point. I retaliated and when I did, he was screaming saying I was abusing him. I told him he had lost his mind and was crazy. He went to sleep, I packed up everything I owned and left in the middle of the night only to wake the next morning to a message that said, I can't believe you left without saying goodbye.

 

We were on and off again until Sept. of last year when I confronted him about an email that he said was "his pics" and it wasn't, it was someone elses and he still out right lied about it and it didn't matter because I wasn't supposed to see it. Then tells me that he and this guy were just friends. He drank so wine, I started questioning him about the pics and he opened up. As he saw my anger, he only fueled it by adding, "He was a good lay" and it not only happened once but twice after he told me sober that they never slept together. That was it for me.

 

From that point on we didn't see or speak to each other for several months. Well, he would leave the occasional I love you so much messages and stuff, which was part of the cycle he always did. Well, we had a shared cell phone plan and to keep from having to pay a disconnection fee, we agreed that I would send his mother the money for my bill each month and keep my phone on. Well one day we were arguing over the phone through voicemails and what does he do? Blocks my phone so I can't make calls from it. I went and got a new phone immediately and when I get home, I have an email saying that my phone would be cut back on on Monday. I told him too late, I got another one. He was like then you are going to pay the disconnection fee. I told him he was crazy. He cut it off, he was going to pay it. Suddenly I was every name under the moon again. I was a loser. He hoped I died. I was psychotic. I was a basta*d everything you could possibly think of. He called me. We didn't speak at all really until about 2 weeks ago. Since then, it is verbal abuse all over again and most recently, today. Go to hell,*uck you, everything. Because I called when he didn't want me to.

 

This is a cycle that still continues with him. It has never stopped. He finally got a job about a month ago and he has already quit it and is moving to my hometown and wants me to help him move this weekend and he treats me like this.

 

I love him but why does he do this? Why is he so crazy? Why can't I walk away and never speak to or see him again?

 

Thanks for reading this.

 

E

[Dako]

Welcome to the forum.

 

You can't fix the guy, and you shouldn't let your abusive father's treatment lead you to expect this from men. Men aren't like this, except for a few sick guys.

Sure you love him, but what do you get in return but misery?

The world is full of decent men. Pick one, and find out how good life can be without being a victim. Even if you stay single, you'll have some self-respect for the next relationship.

Don't put up with this.

[Bethany]

OMG, I couldnt read it all I was so sickened by him. Dako is right, dump him, move, do anything and everything to get away from this nasty piece of work.Even his own parents see him for what he is.

This is not love, it's abuse and you're his victim. He has problems you will never fix, however much you love him.

Run, honey, RUN!!!

[coollady1957]

THere is absolutely no reason for you to allow yourself to be treated like this. Do not stay with or go back to this guy. The verbal and physical abuse he is doing is definitely not love for you. Move on, and do NOT look back. Find someone that respects you and does not put you through such turmoil.

[edh1977]

Thank you very much for taking time to read my post.

[MollyElise]

You need to get as far away from this man as possible. Even though you may not want to, you have to think of your sanity and safety first. Move if you can, change your phone number, be honest with somebody who will support you about what has happened (maybe those family members down the road). You are in a dependent/abused situation and you cannot get out of it if you are alone and/or near him.

 

You can do it! This man does not care for you, he cares about getting what he wants. YOU have to care about you, if you don't nobody else ever will.

 

Good luck, you are worth it!

[Bethany]

I know it's hard for you, but you know yourself that this can't go on. You deserve love, real love and this is certainly not it.

 

He is slowly grinding you down and it's time you said NO MORE and rose up out of there, brushed yourself down and was happy and in love with someone who really does care for you.

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation but it can be changed and this can stop. But you have to stand up and be strong and end it before he breaks your spirit or puts you in an early grave. There are serious risks in staying with a man like that and you should be afraid to stay not leave.

 

You may hurt like hell for a while when you do leave but you have us now ok, and we will help you through, you're not alone in this anymore. You're not the silent one suffering alone anymore, you have finally spoken out and you have found a support group to help you through if and when you need us.

Good Luck in breaking free. Happiness is out there for you.

[RandomAdvisor]

This post belongs in the abuse and violence forum. The fact that you are gay and with another man is irrelevent in this situation. You could easily be a woman in this situation being abused.

 

Dako is right on. You cannot fix this man, nor should you try. You've already spent two years of your life with this loser. Does he make you happy? No. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? I would hope not. So why waste another day with him?

 

The red flags were there in the beginning, and you ignored them despite the fact that you had another guy right there who wanted you, and I bet he would have loved you without giving you black eyes. You knew he was a liar. You knew he was a cheater. You knew he was abusive (always see how they treat strangers and family early in the relationship, this is how they will treat you later). And yet, you still allowed yourself to walk into this relationship. And you have still stayed with him despite all he's done to you.

 

Why? Why don't you want to be happy? Why do you let him abuse you?

 

In the short term, you should do everything that is necessary to get this abuser out of your life. Don't help him move. Instead of helping him move you should give him his walking papers. If you don't want to break up with him over the phone (perfectly understandable) then you should write him a quick e-mail telling him it's over. And then you begin doing everything you have to in order to keep him far away. Add his e-mail address to your block list. Or better yet, get a new e-mail address. Same with the phone numbers. Disconnect the current ones and get new numbers that he wont be able to call you with. If moving to a different home/apartment wont be too much of an inconvenience for you, I would recommend that to. And finally, and perhaps most importantly - go to the police and get a restraining order. This man is violent, and when he realizes that it's over for good this time, there is no telling how he might react and what he might try to do to you.

 

For the long run, you really need some counseling. Having an abusive father must have been hard on you, but there's no reason to allow him to be the template for all of your future lovers unless you want to give up on being happy in your life.

[UT]

edh1977, If he is abusive then do you really think he really loves you? Would you hurt the things you love? No. There is no meaning in intentionally hurting those who you love. From the start he has done nothing but caused you problems, emotionally and financially. He is being unfaithful. Can you really say that you are happy with him? I don't think you would have come here if you could say yes to that question.

 

He's a dangerous man and you need to get away from him and report him to the authorities. If you don't get away from him he will keep on hurting you and your money could be much better spent some other way. If you don't report him he will go on to the next person like you. A nice guy who wants love and he will hurt him too just as he has hurt you.

 

if you don't do anything he will keep on doing this and that is unacceptable. Just cause some does it and maybe your father did it doesn't make it right. No act of violence against any individual is right (unless in self-defence).

[MyNinja]

bottom line... don't you ever allow someone to hurt your. Physically or verbally. I have zero tolerance for that and to hear about someone being abused just sickens me.

 

I don't care who that person is that's doing the abusing... it could be a boyfriend, girtfriend, mother or father, do not let them hurt you..ever. You take whatever measures are necessary to get this creep off your back. Now I don't mean pull a gun to him or anything, I mean report him to the authorities and stay as far from him as possible.

[edh1977]

My dad was verbally abusive, bad temper, he never hit me. He has since changed but that took my mother leaving him for that to happen. You guys are so great. I am glad I found this site!

 

Blessing to you all,

 

E

[RandomAdvisor]

Let us know how things turn out. Good luck in riding yourself of this guy.

[edh1977]

This guy is freaking crazy. I talked to a good friend of his just a few minutes ago and she point blank told me that she knows he has always been unfaithful, sexually active and hateful and mean, but he is different with her. She said his ex was a good guy, like me but it ended very violently.

 

This just sucks!

 

E

[RandomAdvisor]

You should get yourself tested for STDs.

[xprincessbugx]

dump this guy, change your number e-mail everything! Don't contact this guy ever and don't let him contact you! He has a lot of emotional problems and anger and you don't need that from him. No one deserves abuse and mistreatment. Sounds to me like he needs a lot of help and it's best that you get out now before something bad happens!

[UT]

edh1977 When you do get rid of him, which I really think you should do as soon as possible for your own safety, make sure you have someone you might be able to stay with for the night and do it publicly with a friend nearby. Someone you can trust who will help if things get out of hand or if he screams just take you and walk away. He is abusive so whatever you do. DO NOT break up in your home or any other place where you two are alone. There’s a greater risk that he will become violence and a public place is also good because there is less chance of him doing anything stupid and if something would happen you wouldn't only have your friend to rely on but maybe an entire house of people. Besides, in a public place there is a LOT of witnesses. As I said, He is a dangerous man. Be careful.

[Tigris]

Keep away from him he's very dangerous.

 

Secondly get a restraining order so he has to keep away from you. Block his mobile phone number.

 

You deserve someone who loves you and treats you with respect, etc. I hope you find him soon.

 

Good luck and take care.