Could someone tell me what to do, I want my ex back

[Belgian girl]

Dear all,

 

At first, thanks for taking the time to read my 'story'. I'm from Belgian, so I'm doing my best to write everything well. Excuse me if I'm not.

 

At second, I think it's the best that I describe my situation, but not too much. If there are some questions about it/something isn't very clear, I'ld love to give further information about it. So I hope with this I don't forget to tell usefull details.

 

I'm almost twenty. My boyfriend has made it out about 4,5 month ago. We've been together for 9 months. For him, it's his only relationship (never been with someone else before). When he made it out (the moment itself) he said: You're still a beauty and I love you, but things has been/ are too much for me.

 

I agree that about the last two months (maximum three) things gone worse than before. I think there are a few circumstances for that:

We both went living on our own (not together but about 15minuts away from each other) in a bigger city to go studying at the university. I also think that 'I' am/was not his only 'problem'/ not the only thing that made it too much for him. In the beginning he felt difficulties with the change (new people, something went wrong with the administration about his study, problems at home when he came back from beeing there in the week-ends). Another big reason I think was problems in communication. We used MSN daily, also because he had much more lessens than I had, so not always the time to meet each other. I think everything is just about misunderstanding (little examples: when I put crying emoticons in a message, he said later when I spoke with him, he taught I wasn't really crying but I was really sad at that moments) He gave me a few reasons why he made an end on it (but except one, he never teld me about the other things he didn't like that I was doing it) and he said there are some reasons he don't want to say because it could hurt and I shouldn't ask after it.

Now I only see him two times a week about 1,5 hour after each other at the bus, we're still sitting next to each other and somethimes he talks a little bit but since a few weeks he's almost all the time listening music. He's a year younger than I am. Since he's made an end on it, I stopped with doing all the things I now know I irritated him with or where he said about I've hurted him with by doing it. I love him with whole my heart and I already know the bad things about him. It really isn't only feeling in love, a big time we were to getter I think I didn't feel that, but I feel very deep love for him. Even when he tries to hurt me (psychical, he only has done a few time's when he wanted to be left alone for a while and when I didn't do that) I feel so much love. I'm afraid the contact will get less and less. As a ritual we used to go eating together once a week, but the last four weeks he told me I don't know yet, or: I don't have time, when I asked him at the beginning of the week. The reasons I do know, are: I moved my face away (I think two times) when he tried to kiss me, and so I've hurted him. (But I didn't do that because I loved him less or something, just confused, I don't really know) but I 'felt it in my troath' by not doing that (It didn't made me happy). And that I refused it when he called me in the afternoon to invite me (he was very enthousiastic and sounded like he was sure I was going to come with him) to go to the cinema (movie) that evening, with his friends from the football. I've hurted him by not going that evening. As reason I was doubting between learning or going with him, and my dad taught it was better to stay home and study. So I asked him if it was alright if I would go with him to the next match (as a compromise) and he agreed. But afterwards he told me that it really hurted him, he had promised those friends from the beginning we were together to take me with him for a time, and everytime they were asking about me, and than he had to explain. And he was the only person that wasn't a couple during the movie, so his missed it extra much. But I taught he would also have fun with his friends, and that it was more that he wanted to do ME a pleasure by asking me, but my maindream was to finish the year together, and I really had to work hard for it. Well, the story isn't complete yet, but I would really appreciate it and I could really use some advise! I hope that I needn't hear answers like Forget him etc. because I really feel sorry and never felt something like this for someone else.

Thank you,

 

a frustrated girl

[arwen]

Hey Belgian Girl,

 

Welcome to the forum! Are you from Vlaanderen? (it's just a guess based on some typical Dutch-like constructions in your English )

 

Anyway, I am very sorry for your situation. I think at a young age, we are more susceptible for the changes in our live, they seem to have a deeper impact on who we are. This can also lead to changes in what we feel for the other person.

 

For your bf, living on his own is a big change (as it is for you), problems at home, etc. I think the minor things you described like turning away your cheek or not going to the cinema are not really things that would normally lead to a break up. However, for him they might have been an excuse.

 

Are you still in contact with him? If so, I'd recommend you start a period of No Contact (at all, no text, no msn, no email, no phone, nothing). It helps you to move on. You are just starting uni now, I think you will experience that these are very intense years in life, where you learn a lot about life. Relationships are a part of that. Take your time to heal from this, but don't let this ruin your first year at uni.

 

In this forum, you can also send other members private messages. This is possible from the moment you have more than 10 posts on the forum (haha, keep writing ). If you want, and if it's easier for you, you can pm me in Dutch. (if I was right in my earlier guess).

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[coooolsome]

From what I have read and what I think the problems were, I think that you should start a period of NC. This is so that you can heal from the breakup and get your emotions in check. I think he seems to blow things out of proportion. Example...He was hurt when you chose to study instead of going out with him. That is not a valid reason. You should not have to choose between your education and him. He should understand.

 

Do you really want someone who is going to make you choose him over the rest of your life. What happens if you end up failing out of college? You should never have to apologize for certain things and this is one of them. What if you had to work?

 

I think you need to step away from the situation and take a little time for yourself. You may end up realizing that this is a good thing, but you will never know until you walk away.

[Belgian girl]

Thank you both very much!! I've read the answers. Thanks for taking soms time and help me thinking..

But please, could anyone tell me, what means: NC?? Perhaps a stupid question because everybody seems to use it.. I guess: New Chance? If you want you may add me at MSN: email removed

@cooooolsome : maybe I wasn't clear enough about that part, but it really isn't the case that studying doesn't interest him very much.. he even came to me somethimes specially to help me with difficult parts and my questions.. It was just that he did his best to convince me (about a quarter) at the telephone to go with him, and because it hurted him to explain again to his 'friends' that I wasn't with him and that he was the only person without a girlfriend there. I guess he also tought that I loved him less (because of his nickname two weeks ago.. but I'm still blocked).

Also thanks for not throwing away my hope (excuse me if I use wrong constructions of sentences..)

I also want to say that I often have the headache (also got to due with my sinus) and it's difficult to look enthousiastic even if I think I would have been without the 'pain'.

 

Good luck to you all..

[Belgian girl]

Ah sorry, now I guess NC means: No communication. Is it? Thanks!

[zpivat]

Hoe gaat het met je? Well........NC is more precisely...."No Contact" ^_^.

[Belgian girl]

Ok. But what should I understand about the duration of NC? I mean, we have a few contact now, it really is a little bit (one or two times a week the same bus.. and before also once a week eating together). Or do you (plurial) mean that I should look uninteressed or something or even then not start to talk or not react enthousiastic? I have my doubt about that last thing.. because I've always said things like I really mean or feel even if I have more chance it could be used against me (like when I felt kind of jealous I told him but he understand it wrong what I meant with it..) Thanks a lot!!!!

[Belgian girl]

Now I'm quite fine. Only still a little confused and I can't imagine what I have to expect from the (near) future. But almost everyday I still 'fall back' and feeling sad again, usually in the evening. If someone has more sight on it, or has seen such a situation before or any other informatie I could use.. please give me.. Thanks..

[Belgian girl]

Especially a reaction @ cooooolsome :

 

When I asked him (two days after the split up/next time I saw him) if he tought we could be together after a longer time/periode, he answered with I don't eleminate anything (guess a strange translation.. I mean: everything could happen). When I asked him for a change (to restart), about 2months or a little less later, he said I've had my chance just after the split up, but I hasn't changed at that moment and continued with asking questions (the mainreason he gave to make an and on it, that I keep on asking questions even when he give signals that he doesn't want to talk). I had my reason for that. I just wanted that as a phase/period. To feel more that it is serious between us and that we share the same opinions about the subjects I think are important. I especially wanted this 'phase' because we haven't had seks during our relationship but we both really loved each other and were really longing for that, but I was afraid to be left not long after we would do that, because I love him so much, and it would make it much more difficult to forget him. I think I've never told him this 'reason'/way of thinking.

[Belgian girl]

Perhaps a strange question, but is there someone who can understand how or what he was or is feeling/thinking? Maybe a discription of that could clear up some more for me..

[Belgian girl]

offtopic: I'm from the Netherlands but I live in Belgium

[Belgian girl]

Anyone with advice?

[Belgian girl]

For example, how should I be when I'm sitting next to him at the bus every weekend? Should I out myself like I really feel, so crying if it makes me emotional, or should I look uninterested, or giving a lot of attention.. questions like that I'm asking myself. My plan is to ask him back just after the exams in juni. I am also thinking about giving him a letter with explanation about our 'confusions', how it came things went wrong and mistakes in interpretenting each other and to explain why I've decided to do the things he afterwards said he didn't like or hurted him. It makes me confused that it seems he looks well and happy now. Or is it just a mask, I don't know. Any advice or experience in something of my situation would me appreciated!! All the best.

[BONO]

If you are sitting next to him on the bus every weekend then NC might be a touch difficult, unless you buy a bike. You should have one anyway if your in Holland, right ? Hahah

 

Try this looking at this though.

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[Belgian girl]

So glad you want to help me! Thanks for linking to that topic (Guess I'm getting addicted to this site.. ehmm this really is for free this site ?)

[Belgian girl]

I was also thinking about paying more attention to my appeareance.

I've read some good stuff in that link, thanks.

If someone has an idea how to get his attention (back) please try it and tell me.

[arwen]

I think your focus should not be on getting his attention back. It should be on moving on. I know it's hard, but if you try hard and play sort of cat-and-mouse kind of games, it's only gonna hurt you more. He will notice this, because you have to force it. I'd opt for the bike as well, we all have bikes, right?

 

Ilse

[Belgian girl]

But I REALLY want to be together. I don't want to let go this feelings.

And we have to sit in the bus for 1,5 hour (even by car it's an hour to travell)

@ ilse : thanks to mail back and for the sign

[coooolsome]

That is the exact reason why you cannot think this way. No matter how much you want him back, it wont change anything. He has to want to be with you and you cannot force that.

 

Remember how you were before you started going out. Become that person again.

 

Now, what I was saying in my earlier post is that he was hurt that you chose to study instead of being with him. He should not be hurt b/c studying is very important. It causes you to get good grades. There is nothing wrong with that. If you were able to go with him, you would have but you couldnt.

 

This would be like him getting mad because you had to work and you couldnt hang out with him. Is it your fault you had to work/study? No. I would say that excuse is immature and you will only hurt yourself if you choose to give up some of you most important priorities for him.

[Belgian girl]

Thanks both for replying.

 

Yes, that's my new plan: to become more the person I was before we were together, because that's the person he felt in love with.

 

I also want him to see I'm fine even without him and that he finds out that I'm happy. I think if I start doing things that make me feel like that and going on with people I like, I will look like that and that then it won't look forced .

 

I also feel more motivated again to learn: otherwise I won't be here (this city) anymore the next years! And he's always very fixated at good prestations, so maybe it will be another thing to impress him with, if I can say my grades are good, when he askes the next time about it.

 

I also may go shopping next week so maybe again something to impress him with^^

 

As you see, I already sound more happy then before

 

I've also started thinking more the way I do (I think it are positive things, he's very optimistic). I've also read a topic about a bf who left a gf who didn't look at herself at a positive way. I've read that story and reactions. Their conclusion: She's the only one who could really help herself and it's in her hands. By reading that story, I realised perhaps I'm like her. Maybe I've hold/brought him down with my negative emotions. I'm so sorry for that. I've never tought about that before. So maybe if he finds out that I'm no more talking about pain or feeling guilty and sorry for things and doubting all the time..

[Belgian girl]

* (I meant) more the way HE does (to quick with typing )

[coooolsome]

Well, the attitude you have wont get him back. You need to do things for yourself because otherwise its just a mask and if you do get him back, the mask will disappear and your true self will show again.

 

Dont do anything for him. It wont work. The more you try, the harder it will be. Once you give up for good, is when your true self will start coming back out. Once I gave up on my ex for good, did I start truly enjoying life again. I still miss her and think about her but I am happier than when I was.

 

Trying to get them back will just hurt you in the long run. Cut your losses and try to move on because you might just end up meeting the person you should be with.

 

Plus if you are trying to impress him, he will see it as a negative aspect. He will know you are trying to impress him. Just be yourself.

[Belgian girl]

* ( I meant: ) more the way HE does

[Belgian girl]

Hmm hmm thanks..

But it especially was this tekst that brought me in the good mood:

 

 

 

And I can promise I won't let him show I do it for him I just want to feel enthousiastic and happy, and I know the people and things which make me feel like that

 

I also guess that it will be such a difference with before when he will start again to find out the things I don't do anymore and the things I didn't do (and he was missing/hurted him).. I think 'the next time' we should give each other more freedom (but first I need to be sure about trust).

 

All the best, Susan

[Belgian girl]

Well, I'm studying harder (guess now I'm following up more your advice ? Because I DO it for myself (but also so that I can stay in this city next year, and impress him if I have good notes). By the way, yesterday I've talked with a 'classmate' of him (guess it's not the right word for someone on univ.) and he said they (the other students who are going on with him and that boy) liked my exbf. much more when he was together with me than since the split up. Now he's hurting people by saying things that could hurt, on a direct way, that is what they say. More advice is still welcome . Thanks for the things that are already given. All the best!