12 days of no contact

[mmaurer6]

Well, today is my 12th day of no contact for me from my ex fiance. If anyone has read my previous posts, she left me five months before our wedding and just said that she doesn't love me and doesn't know why. It is extremely difficult not contacting her since I usually see her at work. I've been trying to avoid her as much as possible. It is so tempting to pick up the phone and call her, but I know that would be a big mistake. I still have my ups and downs and some days are really tough, but I know that no contact has to be the way to go. Part of me wants her to come back, but i feel that urge subsiding a little each day. It's only been a little less than 3 months since she ended it, so I know I'm far from being over her and I'm sure I'll be having some really tough times. It especially hurts knowing that she got with some loser very shortly after leaving me. I don't mean to be rude, but he is 20, unemployed, and has two kids to two different girls within the last year. My ex will be 27 next month. Well, I guess I shouldn't dwell on that. She can do whatever she wants I guess, as much as it hurts. I just have to take it day by day and not call her or text her no matter how strong the urge.. Feels good to make it 12 days. The longest i've gone so far.

 

Marc

[southerngirl]

Could it be that she was already seeing him when you were still together?

[arwen]

Hey Marc,

 

You must be having the hardest time now. Good thing you have managed to maintain NC. She might have had a serious case of cold feet, nevertheless, I think there is little chance things will ever really work again between the two of you (but hey, I don't get the impression that you want her back really badly). I think the guy is just a symbol for her state of mind.

 

Keep up the good work and don't contact her!!!

 

Ilse

[michelemybell]

Honestly Marc, if it's any consolation, her relationship with the other guy wont work. She will realize what a loser he is, but she is having her fun right now. I wont be surprised if she comes crawling back to you with her tail between her legs after this guy hurts her. (And by the way, that's really pathetic that that guy has two kids already). I agree with the other poster who said, he is a reflection of where she is at in her in life right now. I hate to say this (and yes, I've been there myself) but her low self-esteem is making her attracted to this bad boy. Unfortunately, she has to learn this lesson herself. You can't rescue her.

 

I know this situation stinks. I've had it done before to me (and probably everyone on this board has experienced a similar situation of being dumped) and it takes a long time to feel better about yourself. But you gotta muster up the strength right now to do everything in your power to have a good life. Don't try to escape your emotions (it doesn't work), but instead try to distract yourself as much as possible.

 

I wish you the best. You will be fine despite the hurt you are feeling now.

[mmaurer6]

Well actually, I have wanted her back in the worst way. I was so excited about the wedding and starting a family together with her. We had kids names picked out and were looking at houses. I do want her back, but I am getting better. I honestly don't think she was seeing anyone before she left me. Her best friend assured me of this, and she really didn't have any time to be with someone else. If she does come back in the future, I don't know what I would do, so I'm going to try to just take it as if there is no chance of reconciliation.

 

Thanks for the advice and support.

 

Marc

[arwen]

Hey Marc, of COURSE you wanted her back. You were engaged, you pictured a life with her, and now she left. It will take some time to adjust to a different future than you expected. That's natural. I think you are doing really well, it can only get better from here!

 

Ilse

[PocoDiablo]

It especially hurts knowing that she got with some loser very shortly after leaving me. I don't mean to be rude, but he is 20, unemployed, and has two kids to two different girls within the last year. My ex will be 27 next month. Well, I guess I shouldn't dwell on that.

Marc,

 

Actually I *would* dwell on it a little bit, but only to ask yourself "What did he do that was attractive to her that I failed to do?" Relationships require skills and some folks are naturals, and some folks have to learn from others or from their mistakes. In my opinion, when something goes wrong we all have to sit down and think about what we could have potentially done wrong, and then see if we can learn from it or fix it.

 

I read your other posts and saw one where a guy said this was like a very traumatic car crash. You remember all the details, etc., but do we ever remember what we actually *did* that *caused* the crash?

 

I often tell clients that they need to think back to BEFORE things went wrong. So what happened before things went wrong that may have contributed? Did you spend less time together, went out less often, changed your personality for the worse in some way (too tired, bored, angry, etc.) or ... who knows.

 

You also need to think about how you handled things afterwards. I noticed you said you were very upset and cried, begged, etc., to get her to come back. However, I don't see where you said you addressed the real issue of the break up (because you never knew what it was.) So in that regards, I often point out that folks need to read between the lines and go MUCH deeper into the details to figure things out.

 

I find that men typically have to be a perfect gentleman to survive a relationship, and I use Cary Grant as the near-ideal role model. He has self-confidence, self-respect, he's straight forward (honest) and mature. He's calm, cool, collected, and usually manages to keep his head. And he thinks about things. He's also fun to be with, witty, a challenge to figure out, and a flirt. I don't really see him as the type of guy who would come home, pop a beer, and watch football every night, you know? Sure, there are barriers in reality, but how close can you come to being a little more of a ideal partner for your woman? Were there traits that defy that expectation?

 

So all I am saying is I think you're right to be strong and stay away from her, and at the same time now may be a good time to look inward and figure out if there was anything you could do to improve yourself for the long term.

[mmaurer6]

Well, I have given this a lot of thought as well. We really were spending less time together because of the late hours she was working to help pay for the wedding. We actually were living in her parents house so we could afford the wedding that she wanted. She would work until about 8:00 every night and then get home close to 9. We would spend a little time watching TV before bed, but really weren't talking as much. Also, we weren't going out as much as before either. Living at her parents house, I felt like I was under the microscope. I felt like I had to do everything right since I was the one who was taking their daughter from them. I felt unconfortable going out until all hours of the night drinking and partying with her under those circumstances. I also admit that i took her for granted a little bit as well. I know I made my mistakes, but she never talked to me about anything that was bothering her. We are both at fault, and everything that went wrong could have been easily rectified if we we were both willing to work at it. I am more than willing, but it seems like she just didn't care. To me it feels like she just gave up without even trying to work on things. It sucks, but I guess I have to deal with it.

Actually, I just passed her in the hallway where we both work. She looks absolutely miserable most of the time, and she definitely doesn't bother trying to make herself look good anymore. This is a big contrast as to how she was when we were together. I just smiled and said hello, and she said hi. Nothing much, but I would definitely rather not see her at all. Every time I see her I get that pain in my chest and a knot in my stomach. I still have those strong feelings for her even though I am getting stronger. Wasn't as bad as it used to be, but I still miss her and want to be with her. It's unfortunate that I still see her a few days a week at work. Only a few months left till the end of the school year. Can't come soon enough!!!

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, I hear you. I recommend folks literally force themselves to get out of the house at least once a week. Heck, I ended up staying up until 3:00 AM last night (and had to wake up at 5:00 AM today, I'm barely functioning ) but we had a great time. Once that slips ... I see a lot of relationships slip as well.

 

Seems like - in retrospect - you should have rented a room for cheap somewhere. Sometimes it's worth the financial sacrifice?

 

I personally have found that there are some women who don't talk to you about it simply because they cannot put their finger on it. Hard to talk about something that escapes you. I believe a guy has to maintain the excitement and challenge in the relationship, along with affection and romance over time, to keep things going. Seems like she is beaten down with this new guy and is learning her lesson on why he's single with all those kids - he's unable to maintain either.

 

Seems like a good thing you found out that she quits so easily ... this was far from a major issue, and she bailed. Tsk, tsk, not the kind of woman I would want to marry and have a family with. You may actually look back and count yuorself lucky sometime.

[mmaurer6]

I think that sometimes, but i still loved her with all my heart and wanted to make it work. She did seem to quit very easily. I also think she waited until she had this other guy to fall back on, so the excitement of a new relationship kept her from trying to work it out. I know the guy and nobody likes him at all. I don't see what she sees in him other than a thrill.

[michelemybell]

That's exactly it mmaurer. She's looking for the thrill. This guy takes her away from responsibilities of everyday life. I got involved with a guy like him (and dumped my boyfriend) when I was depressed and stressed in my life. And I thought the thrill of someone paying attention to me was exciting and was a good distraction. The problem was that the guy I picked, just like your ex-girlfriend, had no responsibilities, no job, was a druggy, had children with multiple women, etc. etc. He was tons of fun to hang out with, but when it came to dealing with real life and real issues (like paying bills, supporting his children, keeping a job, going to school, staying faithful to one person...) he couldn't function. He also wasn't very nice to me, but that's a whole other story.

Like the other poster said, she's probably starting to see why this guy's relationships dont work out. I'm speculating here, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has other relationships going on and is playing your ex.

In my situation, I did run back to the nice, decent, caring guy that I was with before I met my bum. I was extremely lucky that the man I am with now (who is now my husband) took me back. He is responsible and I appreciate that now! Honestly, I dont know if I'd advise you taking your girlfriend back though (if she comes back to you) until she is mature enough to handle a real relationship. She needs to sort out a lot of issues within herself. You need someone who is completely there for you. You shouldn't be a back-up plan either for your ex.

I agree with Poco that you have to look at yourself too for the failure of the relationship. I know in my situation, my boyfriend/now husband worked a lot and didn't pay a whole lot of attention to me. Likewise, I was working and going to school and wasn't there either. We were like passing ships. So, we really changed that and have made our relationship with family and each other priority over our own self-serving interests.

Anyways, I hope this helps and I hope everything works out for you. You sound like a decent guy.

[PocoDiablo]

Well, I can't say for sure, since I've only got the 10,000 foot view here, but it comes to mind that (1) she's living in a basement (2) not much intimacy, affection, or romance (3) it was boring and this guy (a) had his own place [right?] and (b) gave her a lot of attention in a romantic way [of course, she's new and new-ness almost always breeds excitement] and © he had kids which was exciting in a way as well for a young woman [i think many women enjoy children, so here is some instant gratification.]

 

You know, probably what is happening is that she has to babysit these kids and he's out partying. That may explain why she is so tired.

 

Bottom line? I think she got bored. It's a kiss of death for most guys when they stop doing fun things with their woman in most cases. It's so tough, I understand, to come home from work and have to do something *besides* sit and watch TV. It's Friday today and I just know I'm going to have to get the SO out of the house. We went to an interesting bar the other day, and I'd like to go back. So ... what's your plan? Are you going to hang out with some friends? You never know who you might meet (and if you do meet a new woman, don't be talking about the ex, okay? )

[mmaurer6]

Thanks Michele. It's nice to hear a story similar to mine. Doesn't make it easier, but now I know that it's happened before. I'm very happy that your situation worked out for you. I don't know what I would do if she eventually decided to come back. Your right that she does have some maturing to do before I should even consider it. As of right now, I'm just going to live my life as if there is no chance of her coming back. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Our relationship seems to be very similar to what happened to you. We weren't spending near enough time together and I admit that I did take her for granted. Thanks for your words of support and your advice.

 

Poco,

Your right about a few things in our relationship. The intimacy and romance were lacking somewhat in the last few months that we were together, and things did get a little boring for both of us.

I was the one living in the basement. We weren't sleeping in the same room. This guy lives with his family, because he has no job. Also, I've been told that he really wants nothing to do with the kids. He carries pictures of them around and shows them to girls and uses the sob story that his ex's won't let him see his kids, and they feel bad for him. I know he did this with my ex, because she told me several times when we were together that she feels bad for him because he never got to see his kids. I guess maybe I was a little too trusting. I don't think she has to do any babysitting. Remember there are two kids to two different girls within the last year. One is 10 months old, and the other is 7 months. Your right in saying you think she got bored. I definitely agree with that.

 

Tonight, I think I will be hitting some of the local bars with some friends. And I've been getting pretty good at avoiding the ex talk. I try to limit that talk to a few really good friends and here.

 

Thanks for everything.

 

Marc

[michelemybell]

No problem mmaurer. I'm glad I can help.

 

Your ex-girlfriend's guy sounds like the guy I hooked up with (the one I dumped the good guy for)! He gave me the same lines--He gave me the sob story about how bad his life is, nobody understands him, how all his exes were mean to him and psycho (and of course, how it was never his fault in any of these disputes). Your exe's motherly istincts have kicked into overdrive and wants to rescue him! In her mind, she's the princess who is going to save him and he's going to indebted to her forever!!! Yeah right. Unfortunately, she's going to learn what all his ex-girlfriends already experienced with him--That he is a bum who is using her and doesn't even want to commit even though he is saying "I love you". Unfortunately the women he got pregnant thought he was wonderful too, and it's sad that they trusted him enough to get pregnant. Life is going to suck big time for her. It's going to be a hard lesson for her when she finds out the truth.

It kinda reminds me of Britney Spears with Kevin Federline! LOL

 

That's good that you are going out. Just keep on being the good person you are and know that you will be the lucky one in the end.

[gratefulpain]

NC NC NC

I been there dude....

 

did I mention NC?

[mmaurer6]

This really sucks. I just took my class out for recess and guess who's gym class came out at the same time. She came out and said hi to a lot of the teachers who were out there, but completely blew me off. I was going to wave and say hi, but if she saw me look toward her she just looked the other way. She is being so cold toward me. It hurts so bad to know that all I did was love this girl with all my heart, and she can act like I mean nothing to her at all. She just stood out there with a few friends and laughed and giggled loudly to make sure I heard her having a good time. Like I said before, she definitely does not look nearly as good as she used to. Seems like she has to put on this big act when she sees me to prove that she is happy with her decision. I don't know if she likes trying to hurt me, but I just kinda ignored her after she turned away from me. It hurt like hell, but I didn't want her to see that. Why does she have to act like that?

[gratefulpain]

dude i cant help but to relate to this.... my ex did the same crap... we had volleball practice same gym,, recently after break up ..anyway,,, she took really long getting back on the court after the 1st game and said really loud "sorry that was my boyfriend on the phone" OH MY GOD that crap hurt.....I held it together and started serious NC,, now she calls.. and i guess re-bound boy turned out to be a weiner head... now she says shes's sorry .and loves me... PLEEEeeeeassse!!! talk to the hand!!

 

I'M SAVING ALL MY GOODIES FOR SOMEONE OF HIGHER CALIBER

 

its karma bro...... stay strong no nc... i just been through it....

[PocoDiablo]

When she does that you just have to LAUGH at her. She's playing games to make herself feel better in front of her friends. But you know what? You should laugh because you realize she's the kind of woman to drop a perfectly good man who has life goals and plans.

 

I would have rolled my eyes and realized that any women she was hanging out with are probably also bad news. She's helping you avoid further trouble.

 

Maybe this is what you should think about when you see her:

 

image removed

 

Seems like she sank her own ship.

[mmaurer6]

Unfortunately, I had to break no contact on Saturday. I was writng up some bills when I came accross my car payment and realized that my name was still on her car loan. I had asked her previously if she had taken care of it and she kept telling me that she would do it. I called her and, as expected, she did not answer her phone, so I left a pleasant message telling her that I was doing my bills and wanted to know if she did anything about the car loan. Needless to say, she never called me back, so in the evening I sent her a text message saying, "You don't have to hate me. I'm not trying toget you back anymore. Life is too short for me to be bitter about what happened between us. All I'm asking is if you took care of the car loan? Trust me dear, I have no other reason to contact you. After you let me know, contact between us will be completely up to you. I won't be holding my breath for that to happen anytime soon. Take care."

Guess what? No reply to that either. I don't really know what to do about this loan. While we were together, she missed a payment, and the bank sent me a letter saying that it would be reported to the credit bureau. I don't want to be an * * * and push her farther away, but how can I do anything if she won't even talk to me about it? All I want is to get that taken care of and start back up with NC.

This weekend was tough. I was at my parents house and my dad and were getting all of my niece's outdoor toys out for the spring. All I could think about was how my ex and I always played with the girls with those toys and babysat them. I have been doing really well, but that brought back a flood of emotions. Why is she being so cold toward me? It seems like she's acting like I did something horrible to her, which never happened. All I've ever done was love her with all my heart. This really sucks.

 

Marc

[mmaurer6]

Michelemybell,

When you dumped your "nice guy" for the loser, did you completely blow off your ex? Did you intentionally try to show that you were happy when you were around him? My ex seems to try to rub it in when she sees me when she is around her friends, but when I see her alone, she looks at me like she is really depressed or sad. Like I said before, she no longer even tries to make herself look good. It just bugs me that she won't return my call about the car loan, and that she does this big act when I'm around. To me, it feels as though she hates me. Just curious as to how you acted toward the "nice guy" when you were with your badboy. Thanks dear.

 

Marc

[michelemybell]

I hate to admit this mmaurer, but I was kinda nasty to my guy when I was with the bad guy. Your ex may be acting this way out of guilt, or she's trying to get a rise out of you because you are showing indifference. It's hard to say. The best thing to do is maintain NC and ignore her.

I think she is not looking good and depressed because things aren't going good in her new relationship. She's probably absorbed in his life, but realizing he doesn't care about her like she does of him. I swear, if she only knew that hooking up with this kind of guy is not going to give her a sense of purpose and love in her life. She needs to find that within herself, through accomplishments and reaching goals. She's going to find that out soon, but not until after she's hurt. She's going to get her karma. I have a feeling once she does, she's going to be looking to you.

As far as the car loan mmaurer, I would seriously see if you can legally take control of the car. You are being way too nice to her about it and she's treating you like a chump. Dont contact her and tell her what you're going to do. Just do it. You have to show her that you aren't Mr Nice Guy that she can count on all the time. It may even be refreshing to see another side of you!

[mmaurer6]

Thanks Michele. I was just wondering how you treated him. Damn, I give him a lot of credit for taking you back after being treated like that. It's really bothering me how she is treating me. She is being nasty as well. Kind of like I meant nothing to her at all and the 2+ years we spent together were wasted years. Are those the reasons why you treated him that way?

As far as the car goes, I called the bank on my lunch break and they told me that the loan is still in both of our names. They also said there is nothing I can do to get off of the loan since I just cosigned for it. The title is in her name, which really sucks. She has to be the one to refinance it.

Who would it be refreshing for, her or me? I think I really need to show a different side. I'm tired of being dumped on for being the nice guy.

And to top it all off, who do you think I ended up driving past on my way back from lunch. Even when she isn't working in my building I end up seeing her. I just drove by and didn't even wave. I care for her deeply, but I am getting so tired of this * * * *.

 

Actually, I'm supposed to have a date this weekend. I'm not planning on getting into anything serious, but it should be good for me to get some attention from another woman. Up until this point I've just been hanging out with the guys, and I think she needs to see that I'm not going to be waiting around for her. No woman I've ever known likes to see her ex with another woman. I'm not doing it to get to her, but to help me heal. Getting to her might just be an added bonus. LOL!

 

I really do appreciate all of your support. I'm sure I'll be asking you for advice many more times to help me through this. I am sure full of questions, and she keeps doing things to confuse the hell out of me.

 

Marc

[michelemybell]

Hi mmaurer,

Yep, I agree---I give my guy a lot of credit for taking me back. And I appreciate him more. Because he's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I still regret that I forgot that for awhile. Like I said before in a previous post, he made some mistakes too and made an effort to change as well.

Yeah, I have a friend who is in the same situation as you--cosigned a car for his bum son. I think you are right--I'm not sure if there's legally anything you can do. If she's really not paying the bill on it, you might want to talk to an attorney to see if there's anything you can do. You would think that the cosigner is the real owner of the car, since it's only reflected on your credit, not hers.

I think it would be refreshing for both you and her if you weren't so "nice". Actually more for you. I was kinda like you with my relationship with my loser ex (the "bad boy") and he took advantage of that as well (I cosigned for things too since he had a poor credit rating. Luckily it was for things, like a cell phone, that I could easily cancel!) . He had no respect for me, and I had no respect for myself for doing it (then again, somebody who takes advantage of someone for helping them out actually is the person with no respect!). I learned a huge lesson in that relationship, and it's carried over to other aspects of my life---I dont do favors for people and I'm not as "nice" myself and I'm actually treated better now. It also made me very appreciative when my guy now helps me out.

That is great that you have a date---You need to see what else out is out there and that you are desirable, and you will probably find women that are better than your ex. I have a feeling your ex will be regretting her actions really soon! LOL

[mmaurer6]

I agree that I am too nice. I actually just saw her again at school in the hallway about 25 minutes ago. We weren't close enough to each other to actually talk, but she actually smiled a little and waved. I was completely shocked. Like I said before though, when she isn't with her friends, she acts very differently. I just smiled and waved back. Probably should have just kept on walking and not even acknowledge her, but I'm just not that kind of guy. I can't be rude to anyone even though she probably deserves it. I'm still pissed that she didn't get back to me about the loan, and maybe after seeing me today she will call or something. Who knows?

 

I think she will be regretting it as well eventually. Hopefully for me it will be too late.

 

Marc

[mmaurer6]

Well, I finally got a response from the ex yesterday that said:

 

I don't hate you or even dislike you. U have to know I never wanted to hurt you, and I am truly sorry. Your not a bad guy. I want to be happy. I will take care of that loan.

 

I wrote back to her and then she wrote:

 

I know we were through a lot, and I'd like it if we could be friends. I do miss talking to you. We could hang out some time as friends. I don't want you totally out of my life. You were my best friend for 2 years.

 

I proceeded to tell her that I lost myself in our relationship and that we didn't do the little things that we used to do.

 

So she says, "I lost myself too. And right now I'm trying to find myself again. I'm just enjoying being with my friends and having fun. I am dating someone, but it is not serious. I'm not ready for that yet.

 

I told her that I don't think I could see her with another guy right now, and that I did have a date this weekend.

 

So she says: I agree. It would be weird to see you with someone else. But I do want you to be happy.

 

So I asked her if she was happy.

 

She said, "yeah, for the most part." and then proceeded to tell me to tell my nieces that Aunt Kelly still loves them and that she still has the stuff she bought them. Do I think it's ok for her to drop it off sometime.

 

I told her to give me time on talking to the girls, that I wasn't ready for that yet. What I really wanted to say was, " YOU ARE NOT AUNT KELLY ANYMORE." "You lost that when you left me." But I didn't.

 

She also said, "I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few months. I can't tell you what our future will be, but for now I'd like to be friends. No one knows what the future holds. Thats all I can tell you. "

 

I asked her if she misses what we had together,

 

She said, " I do miss what we had, but that's in the past."

 

Then we had a lot of small talk, and she finished by saying, " I enjoyed talking to you . I'll get in touch with you soon. Good night."

 

What do you make of this whole conversation? I mean she hasn't talked to me or texted me in well over a month. Then all of a sudden we are holding a conversation, and she wants to be friends. She doesn't want me completely out of her life and I was her best friend for 2 years. Well if i'm such a great guy, then why the hell did she dismiss me without even giving the relationship a chance. I don't get it and I don't get her. What is this all about? Why even tell me she is dating someone, and that it's not serious?

 

Actually, talking to her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Although she did confuse the hell out of me. Maybe I read too much into things.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Marc