I really need some help and advice. I am heart broken!

[JazzyGirl]

Ok, this is going to be long, but I'll try not to ramble. (I do that sometimes). I met a guy a while back and he is amazing and wonderful and sweet and treats me like a princess. We started out as friends. He had a g/f when we met and I wasn't looking for anything anyways. I just wanted to be friends. So, when we met, his relationship with his g/f was kind of rocky as it was and not too long after we started talking - they broke up. We clicked right away and became very fast friends. We got close kind of quick too. It was like we'd always known each other. We would talk for hours and hours and hours on end everyday. Eventually, we were flirting and it was beginning to grow into more then a friendship. We would flirt and joke and tease each other. It was all going wonderfully.

 

But, not too long ago, his ex was killed in a car crash and he was, of course, devastated. Caring for him like I do, I did my best to be there for him though there wasn't a lot I could do to ease his pain. He soon found out that she had been on her way to his house to inform him that she was pregnant. He was devastated all over again and I can only imagine how hard it all was on him. As time passed, we got closer and closer. We actual were nauseatingly cute however we weren't an offical "couple" because we live in different states. We really liked each other a lot, but the separation kept us from moving forward. About a week ago, he told me he loves me. I was thrilled. I told him I love him too. Everything was going great. We became more nauseatingly cute - sending each other love songs and calling each other by cute pet names, etc... However, he recently dropped a big big bomb on me.... and completely crushed me.

 

He told me that back when we first started talking a lot, and he was still with his g/f that they use to fight about me - about how much he talked to me. This was something I had no idea about (I can be a bit naive when it comes to relationships - I've never had a b/f before). I apologized to him, saying that I feel terrible and had no idea. He told me it wasn't my fault and that it's been hard on him lately - knowing that she didn't like him talking to me so much, yet he did it anyways. He said he felt as though he was disrespecting her memory by falling in love with me. I told him that I'm falling in love with him too. He said to me "No. Please don't" Of course, I was stunned. I don't know how to stop falling in love with him. He told me, and I quote, "I love you. I really do, but I can't love you." He apologized to me, saying he shouldn't have gotten so attached. He told me that there are better guys out there for me. Guys that don't have so much baggage. I hate that he says this because he knows that I've got plenty of baggage myself. Everybody's got baggage, I tell him. He asks me to forget about him. I tell him that I know he doesn't want me to, but that I do love him and care about him. He just says he can't. He says that we can be friends but he can't be in a relationship. He can't love me. I told him that I didn't think he was meant to be alone and that I don't think she'd want him to be alone and that he deserves to be happy. He just tells me that he can't be in love with me anymore and he wants us to be friends.

At this point, I can't say anything more to him so we try to have small talk, but it's clear that one of us is going to break soon. He breaks, saying he can't do this and has to go.

 

At this point, I am devastated and heart broken and crying my eyes out. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. He had said that if things had been different (in regards to his ex dying) that he would've made things work. He would've come. So I know he does have feelings and he would've wanted to be with me.

 

Then last night, we are talking and both trying to act like everything's ok and we're just good buddies and nothing more. We start to talk and then we get onto the topic of kids. And here we start talking about how many kids each of us wants. And finding out that we are similar in how many kids we want. Stuff I'm not sure if it means anything or not. Then, out of the blue, as things are going really well. He asks me if I can play hookey from work on Tuesday. He's going to be home all day and wants to "hang out" with me all day.

Eventually, he asks me the question that I should've seen coming - what are our boundaries. What's ok for us to say and not say? I tell him I don't know. I mean, we use to say anything and everything to each other - sexual to silly and everything in between. I wasn't sure how to answer him or how we are supposed to go from being in love to being just friends again. So he says to me, something like - with everything that's happened and knowing now that what it was that we wanted to be, can't be - could I go back to how it was before (as in before he ended things)? So he basically is asking me if we can still talk and act the way we did before he ended things and that confuses me. Before he ended things - there were no limits to what we discussed - nothing was "inappropriate" (of course I mean within reason). Before he ended things we had cute pet names and we exchanged love songs... how are we supposed to act and talk the same if things are over??

He says that he doesn't want things to be weird, but he still stays with the same position he had on Saturday night. So we both end up saying we don't want it to be weird. We both want things to be ok. We both don't want to be able to say anything to each other like before. So, I guess that's where we stand.

 

I guess the thing is that I really love him. I'm broken hearted - to the point where my chest actually hurts and there are big knots in my stomach. I just don't know what to do. How do you go from being in love to being friend again? Does anyone have any experience with a situation like this? Just any advice at all. This is my first smashed, crushed, and broken into a million pieces heart. Any help is appreciated.

[passions1]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Any broken relationship hurts. The fact that you are so emotionally hurt w/ what he wants to just be friends, then you may have to set up your boundaries & standard & possibly consider not hanging out or talking to e/o as much. Some people cannot keep in touch w/ an ex b/c the presense is just too painful, so it's easier to have "no contact" from one another.

 

If you 2 do end up hanging, don't allow "friends with benefits" situation to arise, b/c that would just devastate you more even further w/ your emotions, if you remain initimate w/ him. Keep the friendship platonic.

[moink75]

I am sorry honey. Let me just say that it sounds like he is so confused over the death of his ex. I am sure he feels guilty about her death even though he did nothing wrong. He probably feels horrible because she was on her way to see him. He might be thinking that if she had not driven to see him, she would not have died. He may be pushing you away to protect you. He hurts so he tries to not hurt you by pushing you away, but in the end you get hurt anyway. People deal with death in many different ways. No one deals with it in the same manner. He needs to work through his feelings before he can truly open his heart up to any one again. When a loved one dies be it family or friend, you do not think clearly. You think you know what you want, but then you keep changing your mind. Life doesn't make sense and you may be angry at the world. It sounds like he just needs you to be there should he need you. It is not easy putting a relationship you want on hold, but I don't think he can handle his guilt, grief and love at the same time.

[Tigris]

He's grieving and that's what's causing the problem with your relationship. Also, he is feeling guilt because she died and also because he got her pregnant. It's going to take a long time for him to get over these feelings.

Nobody can suddenly switch off from loving someone.

 

I think if you give him a lot of support, time and patience to get over his grief he'll realise that he still wants to be with you. I'm sorry but it's going to be a hard time for both of you.

 

It's possible that one day you'll seem very close and then the next day you won't. Just take each day as it comes. Do whatever you are comfortable with.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Tigris]

He's grieving and that's what's causing the problem with your relationship. Also, he is feeling guilt because she died and also because he got her pregnant. It's going to take a long time for him to get over these feelings.

 

Nobody can suddenly switch off from loving someone. I think if you give him a lot of support, time and patience to get over his grief he'll realise that he still wants to be with you. I'm sorry but it's going to be a hard time for both of you.

 

It's possible that one day you'll seem very close and then the next day you won't. Just take each day as it comes. Do whatever you are comfortable with.

 

Good luck and take care.

[JazzyGirl]

Thank you guys so much! It helps to hear that. I was so confused. I just didn't understand it all. I mean, I did to an extent. But it helps with the way you guys worded it.

 

I'm trying really hard to support him. I just don't think I know what I'm doing when it comes to that. Plus, his health isn't 100% - they found some sort of heart murmur about 2-3 weeks ago and he's been in and out of doc appts for testing and results. He keeps trying to protect me and say it's nothing and he'll be fine. But now, he's going to be in the hospital for 2-3 days and he said that the doctor's are only doing it as a precaution. So, there's that on top of everything else.

 

As for not having contact with each other - actually... I don't think either of us could handle that. He and I are best friends. I mean, we don't get to have the intimate in a traditional way b/c we are in different states so it's like we have that in a different way - does that make sense? I don't know. I tried to go without talking to him today and I couldn't do it. I missed him too much. He's had the same thing happen.

[moink75]

You are both trying to deal with a difficult situation. Take the days as they come. Right now it may feel like everthing is falling apart, but it will get better. All you can really do right now is be supportive. It is not easy, just be there. You might not know what to say but just bee there. Let him talk. Talking helps you deal with the pain. Don't pressure him, just be there. I know what it is like to have a loved one die. All these people came up and said "if there is anything I can do for you please let me know" Just knowing people care helps, but it is still difficult. You might not know what to say, but being there for him says a ton.

[JazzyGirl]

Thank you! I'm trying my very best. I try to remind him that I'm always here for him. I hope that he does decide to open up and talk to me about it. I appreciate all the advice. You are all so kind and helpful. I am so clueless with this kind of stuff. I've lost loved ones before but never someone that I was in love with so I can't even imagine what he's going through and to top it off that he lost his unborn child - I couldn't begin to understand his pain.

Thank you for all the advice. I check back here everyday to read the posts and hear what all of you say. You are wonderful people! I don't know what I'd do without this forum!!

[patience]

It sounds like he really cares about you. He is dealing with some heavy guilt. You may be feeling some guilt yourself perhaps?

 

Try to take it one day at a time. Keep communicating openly and honestly with him. Take care of yourself. If you need support through all of this, reach out to people who know you and care for you.