He called but now I'm kinda confused- help!

[beyonddevastated]

Okay so yesterday I planned on sending him an e-mail, NOT calling, since he needs space. I was out shopping & started to freak out, and called him. AS I pushed the "send" button, HIS call came through on my phone- how freakin crazy? Anyway, after a minute or 2 he mentioned my stuff & his house! Ouch! (I like to tell myself this was just an excuse to call- denial? maybe) We ended up talking & I kinda broke down. We both cried, and I told him everything I wanted to say in the e-mail. I told him about how I have missed him, and been in pain without him, but have taken time to discover what I need to change to make this work. He seems to be more about our constant fights, than going out with the guys....who knows really? I kinda got desperate- I promised him that things would be less stressful & that I realize I need to NOT pick & fight about every stupid thing. I also promised I'd give him more space to be with his friends, without smothering him. I talked so much bc I didnt want to hear his answer. He said he is not ready yet.....he did say things like, "I do want it to work and be a healthy, normale relationship with you; I will always be in your life" As of now, he will call me on Monday & we will have dinner Monday night. I should feel better I guess, but now I am worried he WONT call or we WONT go. He told me to send the e-mail anyway- so he could sit down, read it, and digest it. So I did. I am waiting for his response. Any opinion on all this mess? By not being "ready" despite all I said, doesnt this kinda show he has someone else?

[avman]

Well no it doesn't show that he has someone else. But it does show that you aren't giving him the space he asked for. That may push him away.

 

As desperate as you are to see him, you need to relax a bit and let things unfold as they will. He promised you a call on Monday so wait until Monday. Let him pursue you a little bit and don't smother him. You said you'd give him space, well now you need to show it.

 

Pull back. Let him miss you a bit. And see where things go.

[DN]

Stop stressing and take him at his word. Let him do as he says and digest the e-mail, and give him the time and space he needs. If you don't then you contradict everything you said in the e-mail.

 

Remember he said this:

"I do want it to work and be a healthy, normale relationship with you; I will always be in your life"

 

Don't undo any good you have done by calling him before you meet. And when you do meet be calm, loving and do not under any circumstances pressure him, fight with him or cause him any stress. If you do the chances are he will walk away.

[beyonddevastated]

Your both right. I know I have to be 100% calm & loving when we meet. I dont plan on calling him b4 Monday, I am just dreading the waiting period throughout the day. I obsess over the "what ifs". See, if it were the other way around, I would jump right back in, being that his promises seem so real.....but why is he all of a sudden so reluctant? It's bee 4 years of ups & downs, and never a need for space!

[kerure]

I will implore you to listen to these guys. They know what they're talking about. I wish I had found this site and especailly this thread before visiting my bf in March. These were all the things I did; stressed both of us, pressurise him (gave him an ultimatum) was loving in a strained way cos of the strain between us anyway. I was certainly not calm, after all his plea for me to relax, calm down and take things easy. I'm not saying he's without his very major faults, but who knows, I could have saved the situation by being all the things recommended here.

 

Just relax, calm down and take things easy, however hard it seems. Always remind yourself that the only thing you can achieve by refusing to relax etc is to push him farther away. He needs to see why he should stay with you, not why he needs to run for dear life.

 

Do whatever is needed to relax and you'll be fine.

[LEFEM24]

Beyond I am like you, so I can relate. I tend to stress out over "what if" and I over think...predicting the outcome before anything has happened. Basically, expecting the WORST.

 

Make yourself very busy. Wite out a schedule and stick to it. If you ahve to, schedule something every hour,that will keep you occupied..then DO it.

You will be amazed at what you'll accomplish.

 

I started doing this recently and it's working out great.

Whatever you do, don't sit around doing nothing, or you'll go nuts.

STAY BUSY!!!

[DN]

.but why is he all of a sudden so reluctant? It's bee 4 years of ups & downs, and never a need for space!

 

Precisely because it has been four years of ups and downs and he has had enough. You have to stop this behaviour and obsessing over him for the next 24 hours is exactly what you should not be doing.

 

You should spend the rest of the day keeping your mind busy on other things. Read a book - anything except romances. Do crossword puzzles. Talk to friends and family - but about their lives, not yours.

 

Use this to test yourself - it will be hard for you have to break a pattern of behaviour. But now is the best time ever to start!!

[avman]

I would jump right back in, being that his promises seem so real.....but why is he all of a sudden so reluctant? It's bee 4 years of ups & downs, and never a need for space!

 

Yes, but he is not you. He is his own person and will react his own way. You need to respect that. Just because you would do something one way doesn't mean that he will.

 

The worst thing you can do when someone asks you for space is to smother them in hopes that they change their mind. If you do that it will only confirm in their mind that breaking up with you is the right choice.

[beyonddevastated]

I know I'm gonna act in a way that WONT help.....promising & apologizing has always worked b4 with him, so its all I know. I really dont know how to act if I do see him tomorrow. I am planning it out in my head, and I see myself using the "physical" approach, in hopes to stir up his emotions for me. Bad idea? I dont want to ask him what hes been doing within the past few days, if he has someone else, how he is okay with not talking.....how do I act and what do I talk about? Physical or no? I'm trying to stray from my norm.

[avman]

Just act and talk normally. You can ask him how his days have been going and what he's been up to - WITHOUT accusing him of being with someone else. Don't be planning some "approach". Then if it doesn't go the way you want it to you're going to be disappointed.

 

Just enjoy the dinner. Let him do the talking. Laugh together. Have some fun.

[DN]

No physical connection unless he initiates in which case respond warmly.

 

No tears - they can appear manipulative.

 

Tell him you are determined to change the way you are but will give him the time and space he needs.

 

No begging.

 

No asking him what he has been doing or if he has been seeing someone else.

 

Be friendly, warm and approachable. Let him take the lead in most of the conversation.

 

If he talks about getting back together (don't you bring it up) then say that you really want to but realise that both of you have to manage the relationship in an entirely different way and you need to talk about how to accomplish that.

 

Did I say be calm and no tears or begging?

 

Let him talk and listen to what he says. Don't argue - discuss. Validate what he says - that doesn't mean you necessarily agree but it means you are understanding what he means.

 

Don't stay with him too long - leave him wanting more.

 

Oh, and no tears or begging.

[beyonddevastated]

You guys are so helpful but I need to find the inner strength!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I can do it- it's just not how I usually try to get him back or fix a problem. I usually cry, beg, become physical, make a million promises, etc. My friend just called at made some good points as well. Along the lines of what you are saying. I am going to have to literally bite my tongue when I want to ask if he has someone else. Literally. He told me to send the e-mail so I did & I think his response will tell a lot- a little scary, but I think I am ready. I wish I didnt wake up so early every day bc now the anxiety starts too soon!!! Sorry Im such a pain in all of your butts! I made this guy my WHOLE life, so its hard to deal right now. All I'm riding on right now is seeing him tomorrow...:sigh:

[DN]

This will be a test of how you will manage the relationship if you get back together. And in a way he will be testing you as well. I don't mean that in a nasty way but he won't be able to help himself. He needs to know that you meant what you said.

 

The odds are very strong that if you do any one of these things

I usually cry, beg, become physical, make a million promises, etc.

he will walk away for ever.

 

Another tip - do not drink alcohol to help you relax. Alcohol can lessen inhibitions and make your over emotional and you are too emotional already.

[avman]

Another vote for no alcohol at dinner. That will annihilate your ability to restrain yourself and you are going to need all the restraint you can muster.

I made this guy my WHOLE life

I don't have to tell you that this is a mistake. No wonder you are so desperate. You must develop some other interests so that he isn't shouldered with the responsibility of being your whole life. That's more than most people can handle. Go out with girlfriends, get a hobby that you enjoy, volunteer somewhere, and make your life a little more well-rounded.

[beyonddevastated]

Yea- no alcohol anyway- I'm not a big drinker. Also, since Wednesday, I haven't eaten more than a cup of soup and some chips. It's not that I'm starving myself, but I am really not hungry. I have noticeably lost any weight that I had- which is kinda good, butnot too healthy. It's gonna be hard to eat with him with these nerves!

 

I really like this website. I think volunteering is a good idea- maybe to help people in need or crisis. Thanks for all the great advice. Also, when I see him & hug him I am going to start to cry- I dont really have control over it bc of how strongly I feel. Is there a way to shut those tears off? i really dont want to scare him away at all, but i also dont want to be led on & taken advantage of. Can you guys just come to dinner with us & tell me what to do & say in a little earpiece? ](*,)

[avman]

You can't shut those tears off. That's just part of being you. You'll react how you react and that part is beyond your control. Just focus on what you CAN control.

 

Sorry, coming out to dinner with you isn't part of the deal.

[DN]

If you have to cry - then cry. But smile bravely through the tears and dab them away quickly.

 

You are going to stress big-time and you need to relax. here is an exercise you should practice today and use it just before you meet him:

 

• take a breath for a count of four.
  
• hold your breath for a count of four.
  
• breathe out for a count of four.
  
• hold for a count of four before repeating.

This breathing exercise is used by actors to calm their nerves before a performance and it also aids memory. This will slow your heart-rate, regulate the amount of oxygen to the brain, which in turn will calm you and make you more relaxed. You can also use it at dinner if you can do it unnoticed.

 

If you find you are about to cry or say something unwise - take a breath and hold it for a second or two. That will give your brain a chance to get a grip on your emotions and stop 'foot in mouth' syndrome.

[beyonddevastated]

Thanks- I'll try it! My heart rate has been extremely fast for 90% of the past few days. I will see if this helps. It feels like I've been in a dream lately- even thinking back to yesterday is hard for me- nothing is really clear in my mind. I wish I wasnt so dependent on him.....oh well. Theres no going back, just forward. [-o

[beyonddevastated]

HEY! My smiley didnt work!!! [-o

[DN]

As you get used to it slow down the count so each phase takes longer.

 

And let us know how it goes tomorrow.

[beyonddevastated]

Oh I will! Cross your fingers! Thanx a lot for the advice!

[kerure]

This is what I have discovered about the human body and brain: you have absolute control over yours and can make it do whatever you think is necessary.

 

My darling beyond devastated (for starters, please try and approach this with more optimism and change this user name if you tell yourself often enough that you have to relax and make a conscious effort to do so, you will find yourself relaxing.

 

It's rich coming from me but really, the thought that if you do not relax and be as calm and mature as you ought to be, you will lose your man for ever is enough to inject your spine with all the relaxant you need. I wish I had had people say this to me before my trip to Cali earlier this month. I was probably more stressed and strung up than a caged lion. That can't possibly give off positive vibes.

 

Tell your body to calm down and your mind as well, afterall you command your legs to move mentaly and you walk, your tongue to form words and you speak. Mentally comman yourself to relax and you will!!!

 

Do us all proud tomorrow at that date... we're all counting on you girl!

[miss_confused]

I did the exact same thing with my ex bf. I called him and broke down and cried and started talking about how it was me that needed to change not him. After losing the little dignity I had left, I realized that * * * * him, it was his fault to. If you do go out for dinner with your ex you should act like u miss him but at the same time act like u can get on in life without him. Guys want to see that u don't need them all the time and that you can be independent without him.

good luck !