Identifying Fear

[eviljedi]

Recently I discovered that I am afraid of, what seems to be getting into a long term relationship. I used to be fairly shy. I worked a lot on my confidence and now I'm happy with it. I used to not be able to talk to any girl without feeling nervous. Now I can talk to almost any girl without feeling nervous. The ones that I feel nervous around aren't the most beautiful, but rather than ones that I think a long term relationship would be possible.

 

An example of my fear happened a few days ago. I got on the train and sat down and a few second later this girl from uni sat accross from me. I have seen her around and she seemed like a fun girl who was into the same things as me. I had my headphones in but normally if this was another girl I had seen in uni, I would have taken them out and started a conversation. Suddenly I started to feel really nervous, I started picturing what it would be like if we were going out (Both of us having a good time). I just nodded my head at her when she smiled and then I looked out the windows for the whole journey.

 

I could tell she wanted to talk to me, I had a few signs in uni and she could have sat anywhere else on the train. When she saw that I wasn't going to talk to her she looked deflated. The more I sat there the more nervous I got. Now I have had this before with a few other girls and the one thing they all have in common is that I believed there was a good chance of a relationship starting. If there was some super model who I wouldn't want a long term commitment to then I could go up and start a conversation easily.

 

I've been sitting here scratching my head trying to figure out why I get nervous around these girls. The only reason I could think of would be that I'm imagining her as my girlfriend and if that isn't the outcome then I will feel like I have messed something up.

 

Has anyone else had this fear, how did you conquer it?

 

 

Any advice appreciated.

 

Thanks

eviljedi

[yeawutever]

LOL, still shy sometimes!! It does takes time to become more confident, it doesn't happen from one day to the next. Anyways just wondering how did you overcame most of it by the way?? Must have been practicing a lot. Shyness doesn't really go away, at least some of it is still left, but it's ok, that's part of who you are and don't be ashame of it.

Time will come, relations aren;t easy at all. You're still young, you're my age!!!! Don't worry too much of finding a long term partner, it comes naturally.

[eviljedi]

it's ok, that's part of who you are and don't be ashame of it.

That is the worst advice I have ever heard. I hate it when people say that. "Just be yourself" etc. It's as if you can't change and I know for a fact that you can, you're not born shy. There's a saying, 'If you keep doing what you've been doing, then you'll keep getting what you've been getting'

 

'Be yourself' and 'that's who you are', are just excuses for not changing. What dose 'be yourself' mean? You are ALWAYS yourself!

[yeawutever]

Well, you can't really make it all disappear even if you claim not to be shy anymore (a bit or some of it is still left), but you can improve it and reduce it. Try hanging out with your friends more often, do they have g/fs?? If so, watch their conversations, or you can get a book on how to make good convos. You may wnat to start a convo by introducing yourself to the girl, talk about music, activities, politics and science (if she's interest), etc.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hey man,

 

I know exactly how you are feeling and that can be me sometimes. I think the only way to overcome it is to realize there are two possible outcomes in a situation like that:

 

1) you guys talk and have a good time

2) you guys talk and don't have a good time

 

What you will always take with you from a situation like that is EXPERIENCE. The more you do this, the more comfortable you will become with talking to women. It's all trial and error. The more shots in the dark you take, the more likely you are to get something. It's like anything else.

 

Don't try hard. Just do your thing, and if a girl crosses your path whom you like, look her right in the eyes, shoot her a smile, and say Hi. If it works, great. If not, NEXT.