Is she gone forever?

[LL1979]

I went out with caroline for 9 months. She was 18 and I was 26. She told me how great I was, and I told her how I loved being with her. We went abroad together and made all kinds of idle plans. She hadn't had much experience in relationships but then neither had I and we seemed a perfect match. I haven't felt this natural love before, and it felt like it 'should' feel. It felt easy.

 

Then a couple of friends told me that she has been complaining to them, so I was getting a bit concerned that she didn't know how much I loved her, and wanted to fix this 'small' problem. Then days later she calls to tell me she wants a break.

 

I thought I'd give her space, but it felt like caroline was testing me, so I arranged for us to meet up for a chat. I finally told her I loved her and that I wanted to work through the difficulties, that I thought it was too special.

 

So we patched it up and things improved, and we both admitted our love. I treated her like a princess, but then she phoned to tell me she'd kissed a someone. But I thought it was just a stupid drunken mishap - not the end of the world - so I forgave her, just hoping to make things right. But I heard on the grapevine things like "why does he have to be FORCED into paying me attention?"

 

Things seemed good (to me) until she called to break up. I tried reasoning, said I would miss her, etc. We agreed to meet up next day and she seemed glad to see me, which was confusing. We spent a few hours together, then afterwards she wouldn't reply to texts, so I called, but nothing changed.

 

About a week later, after no contact, I decided to make one last effort. I went over to her place and told her I understood she wanted to be free at her age. I told her I loved her, asked her if she was sure she wanted to throw away all we had built. But she wouldn't be moved. So I left, leaving it on good terms at least. The last thing she said was "if it's meant to be it will happen"

 

I haven't heard from her in 2 months. I know she's young and still finding herself, and it was too much to expect her to settle down. She is a bit kooky and needy its true, but there was a real bond between us. I accept this current relationship is over, but I don't want her to forget me or to fade from my life for good. It was just bad timing. Is there any glimmer of hope for the future?

[solo34]

Yo man...let me congratulate U on the way U went about this and are going about this.

 

U didn't all keep after her and everything like 99.87346364736% of us did.

 

U are giving her the chance 2 take that opportunity with someone else, and she will NOT 4get U at all. I'm sure that she does think of U, etc.

 

Just give it time man, I'm in the exact position U are in, same exact age difference between me and my ex. Only thing is that she wasn't "kooky and needy" as U put it with yours.

 

I also made the mistake of chasing after her and doing all the wrong things like not accepting it. Well I finally did, and I haven't tried any contact, etc. since Jan. 4th. My ex has a new man I've heard, so the ball's in her court. If she wants me back, it's up 2 her. She knows how I feel and where I'm at...it's the same with your ex.

 

Man, U definitely did this the right way...Congratulations 2 U. Maybe our ex's will come back 2 us when they have the time 2 realize that we're what they always needed. I'm willing 2 bet because of the way that U handled it, that she will come back 2 U eventually. Good luck 2 U, man.

 

-Solo34

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA LL1979!

 

Well, you did your best, that's all I can say. Pat yourself on the back dude.

 

It really sounds like she needs her freedom to explore. A lot of change takes place in the late teens/early twenties...

 

I think there is a very slim chance you two will get back together. I really think she's gone...and from what I've seen, very rarely if ever does the explorer go back home...

 

So what can you do now? You really need to make a large amount of distance between you two, let all the feelings subside, and then contact her and start building a friendship. This may take many months or even years. For now...leave her alone...

[Relationship Coach]

I agree with Frisco on this, chances are she's gone for good. Now that does not mean that you wont be hearing from her! Ex's are real good about updating the broken hearted which is also about as fun as a Tabasco Colonic. Your best bet is to run far away where she wont be able to find you and hurt you again. At her age she has many roads to travel and I don't think that waiting around is very healthy. You can hold on to the memories as long as you want, just don't let them keep you from going forward.

 

RC

[Big Jim]

I have to somewhat disagree with some of the statements. I know numerous cases where the "explorer" left and a couple years down the road came back. My bros friend broke up with this girl, 3 yrs they went out, he simply ended it because he was about 20 wanting to experince life, find himself , all that. Well hes 24 now, and my bro told me, he still regrets that, and would take her back in a sec, only problem is she has moved on completely (she was devastated when they broke up). Also, my ex is a perfect example, she dated her "first love" in high school, he was a little older, broke up with her when he hit university, same reasons as the above. No one thought he would ever show up again, he appeared to be having hte time of his life, dating numerous girls, travelling all over, partying. Well, she moved on, we dated, and about a year into our relationship, guess who was back, begging and still is. At that age people are so unpredictable and flakly its impossible to know what they are really thinking.

But looking back, if i had been dating someone seriously when i was 17, the same thing would have happened to me, i just didnt know who i was, and would have broke her heart. Would i have regretted it? who knows. But the real kicker here is, my x is now doing it to me, im 2.5 years older than her, and shes lost in life etc, and broke my heart in two. I know i want to be with her, but she doesnt know what she wants at all anymore. The sad thing is, after she has done her growing up, and dated around etc, found herself, i would bet my life she reaches out to me in the future. But i know i will be long gone by then, her own best friend told me, her life is going to be a big "what if", always looking back. Sad the way it works out, but who knows maybe its all for the best??!

Dont mean to give you false hope, by all means move on. By that i dont mean try to forget her, but be selfish and focus completely on your own life. One day you will realize you have moved on and didnt even try to. Maybe your ex will show up, and you will want another go, or want nothing to do with them. You ever know whats going to happen, only can work with how things are in this moment, right now.

[solo34]

Great post, Big Jim. I'm in the same boat as U and the original poster are.

 

My ex has a new man, etc. But I 2 am willing 2 bet that after the dust settles, that she'll realize what she lost, etc.

 

By then, it'll probably be 2 late 4 her though. Who knows? Maybe it'll be perfect timing?

 

-Solo34

[LL1979]

thanks for the input everyone, I see that many people are in a similar situation having read some posts on this site, which makes it a bit easier.

 

I'd like to add that the guy she decided she liked won't even be around for long until he travels away again. Its amazing how women can replace one man with another so quickly!

 

I'm moving on now, I've been there before so I have that to help me. But I'm just wondering if/when it would be ok to send an innocent little "hi" her way - if she doesn't contact me first.

[Relationship Coach]

LL,

My question is why would you want her back knowing how quickly she dumped you and then replaced you? I would not contact her or she will real you in like a perch and then toss you back when a better fish comes around.

 

Those that have grand illusions about reuniting with an ex need to do some real soul searching and understand that there are always anomalies to any situation. I have been in the relationship business for many years and more often than not, when they're gone, they are gone! Those who are in your shoes may tell you to hang on and their advice is honest and comes from their heart with the best of intentions but it is often what they would want to hear from others as well. I could go through countless hours of data on this but I will tell you that the chances or norm if you will are less than 20%. Now if 20% is a strong enough percentage for you, fine but the reality of 80% not being in your favor means a world of pain once again. She has been with this guy for 2 months now and keep in mind her age, she is years away from settling down based on everything that you have posted. Move on and stop torturing yourself with these thoughts of getting back together. You deserve better and until you see that, you're her puppet.

 

RC

[LL1979]

I agree with your views RC. I suppose I'm not really expecting a reconciliation any time soon. If she DID contact me wanting something again, I'd have my doubts because I think we'd run into the same problems since she's still young.

 

My lingering question though: is there any kind of contact with her that would be appropriate, in the long term? I'm friends with a couple of exs which works fine (not close friends, but there is some contact -yknow, keeping the lines of communication open). I think for now, yeah, time and space... but for ever?

[Midgi]

I agree with the others. You never forget your first real boyfriend/girlfriends. Me and my ex for instance, although we have been with other people we always find back to another. If that's healthy is another question

[Relationship Coach]

LL,

Give it some time and after you have gotten past the feelings then a friendship may be in the cards. Protecting yourself is #1 here and you said it well...

 

If she DID contact me wanting something again, I'd have my doubts because I think we'd run into the same problems since she's still young.

 

Good Luck,

 

RC