Okay, I have a question

[Kevin T]

This has really been bugging me lately, so perhaps you guys can help. Earlier this year, I met someone in one my classes at university who I was attracted to. We talked a bit in class, nothing serious, but we had a few good conversations together about school. She would always sit next to me, flirt with me (or at least I thought so judging by her various body languages), she would laugh at my dumb jokes and we got along pretty well.

 

Well, as much as I liked her, being the fool that I am, I waited a good month and a half or two months before actually getting enough courage up to ask her out for coffee. Ironically, she even stopped after class and spoke to ME first, that same night I was going to invite her out. So I figured, "I'm in!" Well, I wasn't. After asking her (albeit I stuttered more than I EVER have in my life - I never normally stutter BTW), she said she had to go to the library to look something up for one of her classes (she did specify what, so I'm not accusing her of lying to me just so she didn't have to hurt my feelings...) But the thing is, I sort of do think that was why she declined.

 

But this has left me depressed and really, REALLY confused for the past couple months since then. I honestly don't get it. We got along well, I was attracted to her, I thought she was attracted to me; she was flirting with me like mad until I asked her out for coffee that night... then after that, she stopped sitting next to me, talking to me, everything! But I don't get it. Was this all a big game to her? Judging by her personality, I don't think she'd be the type of girl to do something mean like that.

 

This really bothers me because it shot my confidence level to crap. I was fine before this happened, but every since... I've been really unsure of myself. I admit I did take a really long time before I made a move... and she was really flirting with me a lot prior to that, so maybe she thought I was weird or schizophrenic or something because one week I'd act like I like her, another week I'd be ignoring her (yes, I know it was stupid... but that's how us shy men act with really pretty girls!)

 

So, my question for you good people is this: What do you think changed her mind? Why did she decline? Do you think it was really what she said or was she just being polite and saying no thanks? (Bear in mind, I never made ANY effort to ask her out again... or even speak to her again after she declined that night.) Do you think she just got exasperated with me and said 'To heck with this guy'? I can totally understand that (although if so, I'm kicking myself for my inactivity now!)

 

What do you guys think? I just need to know why this happened... I know it will change nothing in the present, but it'll help me anyway. I need to know if she rejected me in the first place, and if so, what may have been behind it? I don't deal well with rejection - not that it happens a lot - but in this case, it really hurt. (Guess I'm not used to it, being so sensitive and all.) Heck, next week being the last week of school... I'm (ALMOST) tempted to ask her outright; 'why did you say no when I asked you back then?'

 

Enough rambling. Thoughts?

[friscodj]

OK, let me summarize here. You had a female friend in one of your classes. You guys had good chemistry, talking, flirting, laughing. Then you asked her to essentially be more than a class friend and she shyed away, for whatever reason. Maybe she was being nice or wanted to smooth the situation over because you would be seeing each other again through school. Now, it all stopped.

 

I think she was really just being friendly to a classmate. You saw it as potentially more than that, she didn't. There's nothing wrong with that. Was she playing games with you? Probably not. Some women (and men) are just naturally flirty.

 

This has happened to me more than once before and I know how you feel. You not only feel rejected, but you feel like you were wrong in your assessment of the situation and how you handled it. Feel like you messed up perhaps...

 

So there are some things you can take away here. First, you did ask a pretty woman out! Not many guys have the balls to do that and you did it. You stepped up to the plate and took a swing. Nothing came of it. There's absolutely no shame in that!

 

Secondly, you assessed your behavior around her. Now that this happened, you'll be more aware of what you are doing the next time a pretty woman walks into your life.

 

I think the waiting sort of built the expectations up for you. Next time, don't take it so seriously. You have no idea what this woman is really like, you don't know her. You're putting your confidence and hurt on this stranger's shoulders. There will be plenty of more women coming your way my man, don't sweat this one so much. Next time maybe don't sit on it and think about it so much. How big of a deal is a casual cup of coffee after class really?

[keenan]

I'm with friscodj 100% (as usual). I've been in this situation before; sometimes when I think I'm just being consistently friendly and silly with an acquaintance, the guy will think it's more than that and get too invested. When I realize that we've crossed wires, I'll pull back really fast so as to avoid further confusion and awkwardness.

 

It sounds like she really enjoyed talking with you, but that she probably wasn't thinking about you as a potential boyfriend. I'm sorry.

 

FYI, after this happened to me a few times, I pulled waaaay back on the friendly/flirty thing, and now stick with plain ol' nice. I suspect this girl is in the process of learning the same lesson. This bit of info does you no good at all, of course, except that it may help you see that your assessment was entirely normal and understandable. It was her behavior that was a bit confusing. Try not to let this get you down.

[Kevin T]

I agree somewhat, but I'm not fully convinced yet. After all, if I am to accept this, it will ascertain that there is something wrong with me... and we don't want that! lol Seriously, I have enough emotional problems right now already.

 

I basically agree with you, but one thing stands out: She has not and did not act that way around anyone else I've seen her interact with since then (or at the time). Given her personality, it seems to me that she's not a naturally 'flirty' person per se; she is rather shy herself. So this doesn't yet convince me... although you guys could well be right. (Let's hope not. Otherwise I indeed do have good reason to be miserable.) Although it is possible she simply learned from her behaviour and stopped afterward... maybe.

 

Last point: You are definitely 100% right that I waited way too long and that built up my hope. I've learned not to do that again, but it's not like I get women showing me attention all the time anyway. Sad thing really, when buliding up your expectations results in failure, not success.

[friscodj]

Hey Kevin-

 

From the sounds of your posts, you seem to be very intelligent and well-spoken. You also seem to be really overanalyzing this situation which may not have an answer, or at least not one you will ever discover. Trying to understand women is like trying to understand the meaning of life...

 

The truth is we can speculate until our faces are blue but the only person who has the answer is this woman. And she may or may not tell you the whole story or the real truth if asked.

 

So I have overanalyzed situations like yours before. I guess I just reached a point where I realized situations such as this should not be overanalyzed, as this analyzation leads to more confusion and frustration within yourself.

 

Look, you took a lesson from this in that you shouldn't wait and build hopes in situations such as this. Take that, and leave the situation as it is. Stop beating a dead horse Kevin!

[Kevin T]

True, I understand that. I just wanted clarification for this because prior to this I was really confident in myself, then this happened and it was a shock to me. Now I believe I'm ugly and no one (I like anyway) would like me. After all, how can one not take rejection personally?

 

I appreciate your comment about me sounding smart. I don't really think I'm smart at all. I just like to ramble and am meticulous about grammar. In real life, I don't talk much (no one to talk to) and I seldom have much to say anyway. I believe I'm boring. Truth be told, I'm much rather be good looking or kind than known as being intelligent. Being smart is highly overrated.

 

As for overanalyzing things. It's my job, kind of. I'm going for psychology, so it would be my job to do that sort of thing.

[KristyK]

I'm in a similar situation myself except I asked the guy "out"...well, to "hang out" anyway, which I thought was a way to be casual about it. He sent the same msgs this girl was sending to you (flirting, asking questions about me, showing up at my work, etc...which may have been HIS way of being friendly, but I took for interest)...and as soon as I go for it , he says "ya...we'll see..." I know how you're feeling with the rejection thing, but I am not going to let this get the best of me. I will keep talking to him and treating him like a friend as if nothing happened...his loss anyway! That's the way you have to think...her loss! There IS someone better out there!

[friscodj]

After all, how can one not take rejection personally?

 

Why not? Just because someone isn't interested in you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Dating is not about finding the absolute best person, it is about finding the best person for you. It's about the fit, the match. There are plenty of top-notch single people out there Kevin who haven't found the right person yet...and I suspect that is the case with you too...

 

And what are you basing your self-defeating thoughts on exactly? One stranger's desire not to have coffee with you? That's completely ridiculous. You know yourself better than she does. She knows maybe 1% of who you are, at best.

 

And try to focus your overanalyzation skills on your studies...not on situations like this...

[Kevin T]

Well, I look at it this way: She turned me down and barely knew me. So she wasn't rejecting my personality, presumably. She was rejecting me based on my appearance. That hurts more than being turned down because we're incompatible. It's essentially saying, 'You're not good enough for me.' That really hurts, at least me, anyway.

[friscodj]

She rejected (and we are assuming worst case here because who knows, she may have a boyfriend, be gay, just got out of a relationship and not feel anything for anyone, etc. etc. etc.) you based on her perceived impression of you. The key words here are her and perceived. Her because this is one woman, independent of others, who you have no idea about and probably never will, and perceived because like we've established she doesn't know you only an idea of you.

 

Seriously, you may have been perfect in every way imaginable and still gotten turned down. We just don't know her story.

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Well I did the exact same thing to at least one guy in first year... one guy in particular reacted the same as you, got really upset and stopped talking with me because he was too hurt. I honestly didn't really know what was wrong... because I just saw it as being friendly. I'm friendly, and talk with everyone, maybe even flirt but don't realize it. I think she was just being nice and you shouldn't read too much into it... it seems like she just wants to be a friend. If you like her you should get too upset about it, just respect her decision and look for other girls for prospective dates.

 

ALSO, you said she hardly knows anything about you. Given the fact that you sat beside each other and chatted a bit, for 4 months you said? I'm sure she knows a bit about your personality, more than you might think. It could be a combination of things. Personally, I'm a perfectionist and have had what many people would consider "quality" guys ask me out and at the time, I didn't even really realize it...also movie stars get dumped all the time by people you wouldn't think are so good-looking, etc. i.e. Britney Spears/Kevin Federline, etc. No one is 'too good' or 'better' than another, it's just all about self-confidence.

[Kevin T]

You know, none of you are making me feel any better.

[Lily04]

I thought my message would. Just forget about her... the more you get emotionally attached to someone, the worse it is. The best thing to do is to realize she's just another person, and there's plenty of other compatible people out there. She's obviously not the one for you... this is what I told myself after my ostensibly "perfect guy" rejected me. Just gotta move on, only thing you can do...

[Omni-I]

You know, none of you are making me feel any better.

 

 

Look don't listen to them and listen to me! Look at other threads!

 

And Lily....... YOU ARE SO FULL OF YOURSELF !

Seem to me like someone needs to prove to everyone how datable you are. But I think you actually still have low self-esteem otherwise you wouldnt brag so much! Beside law student are boring as hell they become lawyers! what are you studying? Being a secretary? Because they sure are appreciated in law firms if you know what I mean One day you are all clingy over a guy and they next you think you are so hot. Flaky aren't you?

[Lily04]

Look don't listen to them and listen to me! Look at other threads!

 

And Lily....... YOU ARE SO FULL OF YOURSELF !

Flaky aren't you?

 

I'll admit it, I sorta am. And hmm... to be honest I don't think I have low self-esteem but maybe there's still remnants? I had pretty low self-esteem up 'til this year, so it's sorta just hit me I guess like 'wow, i'm actually good-looking'. Umm always thinking of yourself as ugly and just not realizing any of your good qualities... it really is a paradigm shift. How this happened would take up like 10 pages to write, so I'll spare you with the details and just say... it happened progressively. In any case, I was just trying to make the OP feel better by saying that even guys who seem like 'quality' people will get rejected...

 

But now you made me feel insecure so I'm going to edit that part out and make it more general LOL.

[BillyJean714]

It could be that she has a boyfriend. If so, I would understand why she would decline.

 

Otherwise, if she doesn't have a boyfriend, even if you did offer and if she was interested, she would at least invite you to come along with her to the library for a few seconds and then get coffee together, afterwards.

 

I get this feeling that it's not because she's shy and it's not because she felt as though you didn't make the move earlier. If she was shy around you, then she wouldn't have opened that much to you in the first place. Even if you didn't make the move sooner, if she's single and interested, she would've at least accepted your offer.

 

Don't to take it personal. There could be several factors. One thing that you should take a good look at is the fact that you were confident enough to ask her out. If things didn't work out as planned, tell yourself, "It's just not meant to be. I'm glad I found out now." Then be whatevers about it. Since you do attend a university, there is always going to be lots of opportunities. Who knows, maybe you'll both run into each other again, later sometime, and things will work out then.

[Kevin T]

Nah, she blew her chance. So that's the end of that.

 

I've been thinking and (believe me - I'm not just saying it to make myself feel better; being a psyc major I'm well aware of how these matter work), I think I was just too darn inconsistent with her. I gave her so many ****ing mixed messages that she didn't know what to think. It was almost like I was playing a game. I heard her say once that she would prefer a guy who is consistent in liking someone. (Hint, hint.) I guess that was a way of getting her point accross. I certainly was not consistent and I don't take it personally, if this is the case. Being rejected for my looks... that I would take great offense to (obviously).

 

For the most part of my life, I've believed I was about an 8 or an 8.5. Cute smile, my hair really stands out (its natural colour anyway), deep eyes and tall. Those are all good qualities. My bane has always been being too darn thin, however. Nevertheless, I don't take it personally in any event since it happened months ago. Besides, it's honestly her loss, because whomever I do end up with (provided I don't go to my grave alone and cursing my existence), I'll treat her like a queen and give her the attention, love, respect and devotion that she rightfully deserves.

 

She rejected me? (Maybe.) She doesn't deserve it.

[Lily04]

Hey Kevin,

 

Yeah, I have to say being inconsistent tends to piss me off too, ALTHOUGH I am guilty of doing it. And it seems like you're not too self-conscious which is good. And honestly, looks are subjective. I'd say I'm around a 7.5-8.5 depending on the day (so above-average), with "5" being average. I would say you're a bit above average... And ultimately... it doesn't really matter that much. I went out with this total *ss on the weekend, totally rude guy. As soon as he saw me he was like "wow. you looked a lot skinnier in your pic. And you're taller." I was like "umm ok."... can you BELIEVE someone would say that on a first date RIGHT when you meet someone? I was so upset. Also 2 weeks ago I went on a major diet... for the hell of it. I typically work out 4-5x/week, and am at my "ideal" weight according to the BMI index. So I just went on a diet to be below average weight, eating only carrots & salad/day pretty much. Then this week I was really stressed so I started eating normally... and he says I'm fat. I almost just said "forget it, we're done" right there but thought I should give him a chance since he drove an hr. or so for the date.

 

But...I mean, I was objectively better looking than him (he was about a 6, his pic was TOTALLY different) so I think maybe that's why he said it, because he was a bit insecure or something. But I also sensed he didn't think I was that great looking...when most guys do, I'd think. But I know some guys also don't find me attractive and I'm not attracted to them.

 

So, all in all... it's subjective to some extent. But as long as you're considerate & there's some initial 'click'.. that will matter most. I wasn't attracted to the guy the moment I saw him, but if he were nice I would have given him more of a chance. Simply being nice will get you a foot in the door. For some guys... that's saying a lot.

[monsieur]

I must say I am with Kevin on this one re the rejection thing. It is impossible to not take it personally. If she is available, she would be head over heels crazy about a guy that said all the right things.... I've seen it many times..... the shy guy that has the normal nervousness gets into the rejection part of her brain, or the friends part (but that is totally heart wrenching to try and be a friend to a girl like that).....

 

I am living exactly what you are too, the only thing that makes me feel worse is the part where you get with a girl, treat her like a queen, and then she rejects you because you are too boring or whatever whim, that is like the final crusher on a person's confidence.... and it is worse knowing that you are great looking but your personality and lack of confidence betrays you every time. It hurts much worse on the confidence if they dump you after the first or second date.

[poopy_guy]

sorry dude. friscodj sounds like a pretty smart guy tho - and I think he was trying to make you feel better by being honest. guess its not what you wanted to hear huh?

[Kevin T]

Nah, it just wasn't all that accurate. I mean, I asked... but truth be told, I was the only one who was there, so naturally I'm going to have a better idea of what did and did not go down at the time. My explanations are always brief and probably leave out all sorts of information, being that I am biased towards my presuppositions and all.

 

Nevertheless, I do appreciate his feedback, so hopefully no one takes that to mean something I did not intend it to.

 

As for that guy on your date, Lily... he's a loser. It's rude to imply anything like that after just meeting someone. Should've kneed him in the groin. lmao