Should I break away from him(confused)?

[FoxLocke]

The guy that I like came over this weekend. Well, getting right to the point, we made out on three occasions. We didn't have sex at all but we kissed and touched, HEAVILY.

 

I told myself over and over that nothing would happen between us when I invited him over. I was only trying to be a friend.

Well, one morning I got up and asked him if he wanted somethin to eat. He told me that he would eat later. Then he asked me to come and talk to him. So I shut the door behind me and we started talking.

Then he started talking about gay issues and asking me all of these gay questions about what I thought and etc...So we just talked about everything and then he got quiet. He said, "y'know, I don't really mind if a guy would try and kiss me...even though I'm not gay."

I just shrugged and laughed.

Then he just looked at me for a second and smiled. Then he said, "you are so cute, do you know that?"

I kind of blushed and shook it off. Then we just sorta looked at each other and I said, "If I wanted to give you a kiss on the cheek would you let me?"

 

Him: ***laugh*** "Do you want to give me a kiss, Foxlocke?"

Me: **giggle** "Kinda sorta..."

Him: "Go ahead, I don't care..."

 

So I just walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

 

Then he rolled his eyes at me and smirked, "I know you can kiss better than that."

 

So I gave him another one on the cheek. This time he turned and kissed me on the lips. At first I was shocked, but excited. Then I asked him could I kiss him on the lips again. We did. Then all of a sudden we were on the floor rolling around making out! I was really excited, and he can really, Really, REALLY, KISS! Then I told him to stop because my mom was downstairs and I did not want to end up sleeping with him. So afterwards I went and took a shower to calm down. It felt like my body was on fire.

 

When I came back out he had this somber downtrodden look on his face.

 

Me: "What's wrong?"

Him: "I can't believe we just did that..."

Me: "Me too...Look, I just want you to know that was NOT the reason I let you come over here..."

Him: "I know, don't worry about boy...This is just something I've been dealin with my whole life. I just have to be stronger and pray about it..etc"

 

Then he goes on and on about how he's trying to change. At first I just want to blow it off but I decided to just listen. Then he asked me did I think it was possible to change my orientation. I answered with a reaffirming, "No...because I tried everything short of electroshock therapy."

Then he started getting kind of mad and frustrated. Then I said, "Look, let's just make it a onetime thing...Since you aren't gay(sarcasm) we shouldn't do that."

Then he said, "I agree. I just get so tempted by you sometimes. I love you like a brother."

 

So a few hours later we went to the movies and on the way there he starts talking about MORE gay topics..So while we were on the topic I brought up the whole kissing thing. Then he got mad about it, "I don't want to talk about it anymore! Let's just forget it happened! It is so hard for me struggling with this inside me and then I have a gay friend!"

So I didn't say anything else and kept driving. We saw the movie and had fun...Then when we left we started talking about it, AGAIN(once again he provoked the conversation)...

So I said that I didn't think it was that bad. It was just something that happened that shouldn't have happened...I know you're confused about alot of things...

Him: "So, what are you trying to say? You think I'm gay? Because I'm not..."

Me: I know you're not...I'm just saying I know that you have this ordeal to go through. I'll be your friend through it...

Then he said "Thank you...You know I care about you."

 

We got back home and no one was there but us. I was trying to stay away from him because I'm really attracted to him.

Then he asked me to come back to his room. He starts reflecting on how he struggled with his sexual orientation and what not...Then he started talking about how much he enjoyed kissing me.

So I said, "I liked it too."

Him: "Well, your mom isn't home and have the house to ourselves."

Me: "No...I mean I want to but I know how conflicted you are..."

Him: "Boy, it's nothin...It's just momentary pleasure.

 

I really wanted to flee the scene but we ended up playing tonsil hockey again. The rational part of my brain kept telling me to say "Hell no!" but the other part overwhelmed common sense...

 

I felt so bad for kissing him again but I loved every minute of it. Right now I have several hickies on my neck. I had to buy some concealer just to cover them up...I think we made out for like an hour, I was not keeping track of time.

 

So after it was over we just laid beside each other and talked. Then he started talking about how much he regretted it and how he wasn't into it and et al...Now, that started to hurt my feelings...

So later that day we got into a huge argument about it and I told him that he was conceited and self absorbed. Then he started talking about how I was falling in love with him and there is no way that we would be together because he's straight...Then I told him that I didn't want to be with him. He is very insecure and confused and I don't want anyone like that.

 

We eventually made up and just watched some television together then he said...

 

Him: "Boy, I feel so gay when I'm around you...even though I'm not."

 

I just sorta laughed. But I also felt pity for him.

 

Him: "If I was gay I would be with you...You are everything that I would want in a guy. But I can't imagine myself losing my virginity to another dude..."

 

Me: "That's cool...well I just have to stop myself from liking you."

 

Later that night I was asleep and I heard him wandering around at 2:00 a.m. So I asked him what was the matter?

He said that he was just feeling alot of different things, and he was so confused. I just looked at him for a minute then he started kissing me AGAIN in the hallway...

This time I pushed him back and said, "Look, I think I may have to take you back home tomorrow(he was supposed to stay the week but it ended up being only 3 days). I can't keep doing this..."

He sorta dropped his head, "Yeah, I guess...I just have to keep praying about this."

 

So to end the story I dropped him back off at his dorm today and gave him a little cash for some groceries. Before I left we hung out like we usually do and gave each other nice pecks on the cheek...I promptly left before we ended up on the floor again.

 

I don't know where I am with him. I know that I DON'T want to be in a relationship with someone so confused, insecure, and ambivalent about the possibility that he's gay. And I know that would be best! I want to find someone who is secure being gay and I don't have to end up going to take cold showers just to calm down.

But, I am so attracted to this person it is RIDICULOUS! He's like a bag of Doritos...You can't eat just one. I'm not a kissing afficionado but I know when I've been kissed really good and this was it.

Part of me wants to avoid him totally...But I still love him as a friend. The prospect of a relationship is void. I know it isn't going to happen and I'm not going to wait for it.

But everytime I'm around him I'm scared to be close to him. There is so much attraction between us that it gets hard(literally and figuratively).

 

Maybe I should just be a casual friend to him like just talk to him on the phone and see him on campus. We both already agreed that we aren't crashing at each other's houses anymore...But I'm wondering should I just cut ties with him, because I don't think this physical attraction will go anywhere.

 

How do you deal with being sexually attracted to someone that you consider to be just a friend?

[Tigris]

The only way I was able to deal with it is by keeping away from her. The problem is that she lives next door! Oh BTW she's straight but sends out mixed signals!

 

For 5 months I kept away and then we started talking again and I started to get feelings for her again. Once I started talking to my Fiancee that problem stopped, however, she started to become jealous and flirted with me. But this time it didn't work!

 

I haven't spoken to her since Christmas Eve because she 'outed' me to some of my family!

 

FoxLocke I think you would be wise not to meet him alone then there is no temptation for either of you. Or you could meet him where you could talk in private but can be seen by other people nearby. That way he won't try anything.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Jinx]

FoxLocke I think you would be wise not to meet him alone then there is no temptation for either of you. Or you could meet him where you could talk in private but can be seen by other people nearby. That way he won't try anything.

 

I do believe Tigris hit the nail on the head here as for dealing with the situation. With the deal of attraction there, I doubt there is much else to do as long as you two still wish to be friends. Have to make it clear you need your space and he needs his until this gets sorted out by him in one way or another.

 

Then he started talking about how I was falling in love with him and there is no way that we would be together because he's straight.

I have the impression this is him speaking for himself covering it up as you. With his behavior he is trying hard to be straight but just isn't accomplishing it. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to of went through yet that the praying isn't getting anywhere, and I presume he'll figure this out. I really wish I understood this huge hang up he is having there.

 

Does he have a lot of family and related pressure to be straight? It seems like he would be if he "could" be but with his extremely mixed actions it would be horrendous if he ever admitted to being himself here. (Edit) In regards to the first sentence there, I realize we all have the pressure to be straight carry on in the traditional sense but I had meant to make that more of an idea such that does he make a deal out of things such as marriage and family? Does he say anything in particular which gives the reason as to why he is so opposed to the idea that he is gay, other than religious reasons? I'm just wondering if he is that obviously gay that maybe he is receiving that much more stress and pressure to be straight and feeling unwanted or unable to please his family if he were to be happy himself.

 

For myself, if I had another woman come up and do that same procedure and tell me she was straight, I'd want to howl over it. Really, that is anything but heterosexual behavior and his verbal reactions take it to another level.

 

Hopefully it will click in that he cannot have it both ways. You're not a sex object, he is either straight or gay, and that eventually he is going to need to make a decision of what is more important to him. Being happy, or looking happy and pretending to be what everyone else wants. The message should get accross more so when you express the fact that meetings will be public and nothing intimate when there is private time.

 

I do agree, this is confused on a new high. I don't see how he can possibly do everything he did or tried and STILL follow up with a "I'm straight, just need to pray." announcement. Beyond me, denial and everything else balled up.

 

Edited: Corrections, my head was in the clouds with a couple statements.

[Prufrock06]

Maybe I should just be a casual friend to him like just talk to him on the phone and see him on campus. We both already agreed that we aren't crashing at each other's houses anymore...But I'm wondering should I just cut ties with him, because I don't think this physical attraction will go anywhere.

 

How do you deal with being sexually attracted to someone that you consider to be just a friend?

 

Sounds like you had an eventful weekend; sorry to hear that it's causing you such grief. Your state of confusion is clearly understandable and as far as immediate decisions go, I think you've made a wise move in agreeing that you aren't going to crash at each other's houses anymore, especially considering that these confusing episodes would probably only continue if you kept doing that.

 

But hey, given all the turmoil and frustration from the past weekend, you can also look at some of it in a positive light as well. In the sense that you got to make out with a guy you found attractive and who was attracted to you -- certainly a self-esteem validator if I ever heard of one. Maybe this particular suggestion is a little naive on my part, considering that making out and heavy petting is a luxury I have yet to enjoy ( ) but I guess I'm just trying to point out to you that your weekend wasn't a total loss, all things considered...

 

As to whether you should completely cut ties with him, only you can tell. From what you've written in your posts, I don't see how continuing to talk with him on the phone or being acquaintances at school could really hurt, especially considering that he seems to gravitate towards you when it comes to the inner turmoil he has over his sexuality. It depends as well as to whether you can get over your physical attraction to him, if you see it as the source of a lot of your confusion -- I know from personal experience that it is possible, although it can be a bit tough. With my straight crush from late last year -- who has now become one of my very good friends at school -- I went through these same issues that you seem to be dealing with now. The big question for me was, can I remain friends with this guy despite my physical and emotional attraction to him? The eventual answer was yes and, even though there are occasional emotional blips on my behalf, my attraction to him is something that I rarely think about when we are together (though this lack of thought shouldn't be confused with not liking him anymore, haha

 

So if this is something you think you can do (and I have no doubts about your personal inner strengths), then I say continue to be friends with him, but always with the events of this past weekend in mind as a reminder of the confusion and issues that might come up were the situation to go farther than friendship. It seems to me like this guy has a lot of issues he needs to get through, and he could probably use all the emotional and friendly support he can get.

 

In response to your actual question, I'm not sure if I have a better answer than what I've just written. In my own personal case, it seems like my issue is how to remain friends with people who are sexually attracted to me, but in which I don't necessarily reciprocate the attraction. Is it fair to say that sexual attraction is easier to get over than emotional attraction? I honestly don't know the answer to that question but figured it was worth asking given the context of your concerns. I guess I feel like it's something you CAN get over but, like I said, it just takes a lot of willpower to do so (ironically enough, probably the same kind of "willpower" your friend seems to want to keep him from admitting his homosexuality to himself). I'd say your best bet is to wait and see where things go the next time you talk on the phone or the next time you see each other around campus.

[FoxLocke]

Thanks for all of the replies. I knew I could come here for good advice.

 

I didn't expect any of this to happen, and I am trying to keep from having feelings for him. It is really hard and right now I am kind of depressed. It feels like I finally found the oppurtunity for the ideal person and he has these issues...He knows he's gay but he won't admit it to himself.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if it is best to just make a clean break and just get him out of my system? Then I keep thinking about the kissing...And he sure can kiss.

 

 

 

Yeah, that is what really made me angry and upset! Everytime we made out he would blame me for it. Once he said, "See, you want me to be apart of your little gay world and I can't do it!"

And I responded, "I'm not trying to make you apart of anything! If you didn't want me to kiss you you could have said no!"

Then that is when I called him conceited and self absorbed...Which sorta hurt his feelings, so I apologized later on and we made it...which almost turned into another heavy petting session.

 

He does have ALOT of issues though. He has confided in me that there are family members of his that are gay...And he comes from a strict devoutly fundamentalist Christian background that frowns on homosexuality. He says that he was almost raped as a small child, which is why he has a problem with sex...

We were talking about this and he said that he probably wouldn't even get married to a woman. He doesn't want to deal with a relationship...But, he kept going on and on about saving his virginity for marraige, and that he wasn't losing it to a guy...

Yet, I had to practically beat him off of me when he tried to pull my underwear off. I was the one not interested in going past third base.

He thinks homosexuality and "perversion" are generational curses in his family, and he thinks that he is the one to break the curse...Which is why he is struggling with it. Basically, he is a martyr and god put his feelings on him as a challenge.

 

Then he told me he believed I could change too...If I tried really hard. That really made me mad and I told him off about it.

 

He is just so confused and conflicted...I thought everything we shared was really special and great. He would tell me that he loved Kissing me, and then after it was over he would say, "I didn't get anything out of it..."

Yet, we made out two more times.

He is so uptight about it that when we were laying together I lightly started to trace my index finger accross his cheek and he told me, "Please don't do that...I'm not like that."

 

So I just need to put space between us. I'm not going to see him for a week so maybe these feelings will ebb...Or maybe I'll be so eager to see him again that I'll explode when I do. Sometimes it hurts to be around him. Yeah, I can kiss him but I can't have him completely the way I would like to and it sucks. =0(

 

I loved all the kissing but I hate all of this confusion. I do need to be away from him.

 

I don't think I even want a boyfriend right now. And when I do get one he'll be openly gay.

This guy is so deep in the closet he smells like moth balls.

[KIDD]

WOW Foxlocke!! Sounds like you had a fun weekend lol! All of that kissing, wow! I really need a man now lol, I'm so lonely lol. Anyway, back to you. He sounds very confused, I think he knows deep down he is gay but he's trying to live in this fantasy world that he's straight. Like it was mentioned probably because of his family & other things like religion. Yeah, Foxlocke I say give him some space for awhile. Personally, I don't think it would be good to pursue this guy. I mean he's conflicted & like he said he feels he can change. So even if you two start a relationship of some sort, who knows if this guy won't flip the script & break up with you tomorrow because he feels he has to be straight now. I'm not trying to complicate things here, but I say just keep your distance from him awhile if that's what you want. I mean until you can work out your feelings for him. I say maybe phone conversations are ok, but it might be best to just take your mind off of him for awhile & just stay busy. Fighting off feelings is hard! I know, I've been there before. One way is to stay busy & just do things that will keep you occupied. Who knows, you may even find a new guy that's more stabled in his sexuality!

 

Hoped I helped Foxlocke!

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

This whole story from the beginning fascinates me. It's like one of those After School Specials on ABC.

 

Ever see Scary Movie. Remember Keenan Ivory Wayans's character, obviously gay but in denail:

 

Cindy Campbell: I thought you loved me.

Bobby: Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstenence makes you wonder new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.

Ray: What? I ain't gay!

Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club.

Ray: So? They play good music.

Bobby: What about our trip to San Francisco?

Ray: I wanted to go shopping.

Bobby: But you made love to me!

Ray: No no no, you sucked my * * * *!

 

That's what this reminds me of, but not as funny because feelings can get hurt. No matter what you two do, he isn't gay according to him. I feel bad for him. He sounds like he is two people: gay and in the most absolute denial. He is deathly afraid that being out of the closet will cause him harm. He wants to live in it, shut out the lights and put his hands to his ears and scream "LALALALAAALALAAA!" But this weekend that door was opening and closinglike that scene where you see 8 doors and one guy getting chased by another guy and he runs in one, goes in another, comes out another, ect. A wild goose chase, with no winners thus far.

 

Obviously you cannot force him to accept what he is. I say stay clear in the romantic department, but remain friends. He could probably use your support when his inner struggles get the better of him. He'll think back to those kisses.

 

I have a feeling that if you two did have sex it would've compicated things a ton. I also have a feeling that if you two kiss more and more, it will lead to that. There is definite passion and I know that's (pun alert) very hard for you. I don't think that a romp in the sack is enough to get him to begin to accept, it may confuse him and depress him even more. If he cannot accept the possibilities you two have, the there is no need wasting your time chasing him. And that is a shame, you two seem to be quite a match.

 

Whatever happens, good luck. But also a little hunch that I had. There is a chance, a slight chance that he is playing games with you. I never put anything past anyone, I'm paranoid that way. Maybe he's teasing the hell out of you just to get a rise and feed his ego. Not saying that it's true, but keep your dukes up.

[FoxLocke]

Kyoshiro, The last possibility ran through my mind because I called him conceited and self absorbed. Sometimes he does seem flattered that I like him...And maybe it is an ego boost or something, I don't know.

 

However, I genuinely think that he is in alot of emotional pain about his sexuality. He has revealed so many things to me...which has made me fall harder for him...

 

***sigh***

 

I don't know. I just know that I need to be away from him for awhile, clear my head. I don't want to be in a relationship like this. It's so crazy.

I'm so happy around him but then it dawns on me that I can't have him all the way. There is always this stipulation attached...We can be together but we can't be together either.

 

We even walk around and check out cute guys together, and he is the main one pointing them out. It's like when he's with me he can be himself...But he wants to put up a front for everyone else.

 

I think I need to avoid him. It is so hard to stop thinking about him sometimes. I like everything about him, kisses included...Sometimes I wonder if I am falling in love with him. And I don't want that.

It would have been onething had a kiss just been a kiss...but I already had a big crush on him to begin with...

 

Well, in either situation I just need to be away from him. Thankfully, in a college setting you don't have to see someone all the time. Right now what I'm feeling isn't good for me.

[Imaginary]

You are VERY understanding and patient, if that happened to me, I would kick the person out of the house right then. Kudos to you.

 

It's called falling in love for a reason... you fall, you don't force yourself in or out, if you don't want to love him like that, you are better off putting some space within you both.

 

The prayer thing is such a profound denial, you can't just hope he will snap out of it. Someone will have to help him through it. Wether you, some of his gay family members, the Gay Straight Alliance, or whoever. But you shouldn't get your hopes up and lose time waiting for him. Find someone else, you shouldn't let him trample you like that.

 

Oh, BTW, I'm actually VERY surprised he didn't use the "experimenting" argument.

 

Good luck!