How Do I let Go

[becky23]

I have been making an idiot out of myself lately because Ive been trying to prove to my boyfriend I am not lying to him.

 

He is trying to push more out of me that is not there. He thinks that what Im telling him is not the truth and it wholeheartedly is, but he wants to try and get more and more out of me, saying that if you dont tell me the real truth you have ruined us.....

 

I am telling the whole truth but he twists what I say around SO MUCH its driving me insane.. He keeps hanging up on me, I drive an hour to see him and he makes me turn around and leave. He even tells me what he misses about older women. Im 24 and he is 35, and he even told me to "heel" yesterday when we were walking in the mall. He said it kinda jokingly, but still meant it in a sick way.

 

I can't just put my foot down and stop taking this horrible treatment! why can't I, and what do I need to do to just leave him? I didn't think it would be this hard. I finally told him if I make him so miserable then leave me! I hung up on him, but he called me back and said calm down and come over.

 

Im going insane, yet I get scared at the fact that he may be gone from my life if I don't put up with it. I need him gone I know, but I think im so weak that I take his crap. How do i stop, and is this grounds enough to just ignore him from now on. He ignores me, treats me like a child, hangs up on me, and then wont believe me. Is this normal when someone is mad at you, or can normal men just let things go and give the "one they love" the benefit of the doubt? Im so hurt right now, I want to be happy again, and I may never be if I stay with him..

[Goodfun88]

Sounds like he is trying to control you and wants you to beg and plead for him to believe you. This is a toxic relationship, get out as soon as you can.

[kellbell]

Hi Becky,

 

I am so sorry things have been rough for you lately. (((hugs)))

 

I am sorry to say that this guy is abusing you verbally and emotionally. And you need to really consider getting out of this relationship as soon as possible. He is tearing you down. You are so dependent on him and his actions towards you make you like this.

 

As hard as it sounds now, put your foot down. Do not even bother calling him anymore. Hard-core NC my friend. IMO, he does not even deserve an explaination. You are not weak. You are a little unsure of yourself and your self-esteem and confidence has been compromised a bit because of it. This makes it very difficult to end things. Believe me, I have been there. This is a very toxic relationship and there is nothing you can do or say to "change" him. Do not wait it out thinking because you held on for so long, this will get better. THEY WON'T!! Get out now.

 

There is so much support here and we will help you as much as you can. But ultimately, you have to help yourself and do what is best for you. Turn to your friends and family for guidance and support. You will need all the support and encouragement you can get because you have a long road ahead of you.

 

But please, get out of that relationship. This guy is a jerk, you deserve better and there are plenty of other guys out there whom will treat you better. Take care and big hugs to you.

[becky23]

I dont know why i would even miss him but I know i will, and i think thats what im afraid of.

 

He will not believe me, and if he does, he is just trying to mess with my head and get a reaction out of me by calling me a liar. He knows I will do anything for him and he is taking advantage of that.

 

Why cant i let him go, and how can someone be so cruel to someone who is obviosly so in love with them?

 

thanks for the help everyone.

[kellbell]

"I dont know why i would even miss him but I know i will, and i think thats what im afraid of."

 

I know you will miss him because leaving him will take you out of your comfortzone. You won't miss HIM persae, you will miss having someone around and that is an important distinction to realize. That will go away as time goes on.

 

 

"Why cant i let him go, and how can someone be so cruel to someone who is obviosly so in love with them?"

 

There are two reasons to answer your question. 1. Because you are not facing the kind of person he ACTUALLY is and in love with what you THINK he is. 2. And I hate to say this, he treats you like this because you let him. I know this is hard to digest but people will treat you as you let them. When I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, I let my ex treat me like that, he no respect for me. After we broke up, it took me a long time to come to terms with that and take responsiblity for this treatment.

 

So in saying that, you are not alone in your feelings and you emotions and feelings at moment are normal. If you look around these boards...many people have been in your situation and felt the same emotions as you. Just know you are not alone and we will be here to listen.

[SilverCloud]

Take their advice.....GET OUT of it

 

I just got out of a relationship like that which destroyed the confident person i was. He always blamed me for everything... he called me a liar too... i was the one driving back and forth to see him.. he just sat on his butt...NOTHING I did was good enough.

 

He will NOT change ... and he is going to cause you much more pain then the pain you will feel if you get out now. Such people are the takers and never the givers. He will always take and never give to make the relationship work.

 

SWEETY save yourself GET OUT while you still have your esteem there...I didnt and i am still suffering.. i would suggest you learn from my experience.

 

P.S we had the exact same age difference too...

[becky23]

Silvercloud: Im sorry you had to go through what you did. Are you doing better though since you broke up with him? I know the 2 pains are very different, and everyone tells me that the pain of breaking up will be less than the pain I have to endure if i stay. Im glad you got out though....

 

From now on, I am just going to ignore him, and let him know that he can't treat me this way. I don't know if its even worth staying even if he gets the point I wont put up with crap. he will probably find a way to manipulate me into being weak again.

 

Im just sickened at the fact he thinks so low of me, he told me to "heel" like a dog when I walked ahead of him. Who does that, even jokingly?!!!

[Blue In Texas]

Becky, I am really sorry to hear about this. My advice is consistent with the others. Get out. His means of controlling you is to try and strip you of your self-respect. You deserve better than this. I do think that the pain of the breakup will be greater than the pain of staying with him. It will be really hard. But you have to do it, for your self-esteem and, if the relationship does work out, to establish a degree of control. Seriously, take Kellbell's advice and go hardcore NC. If he wants to crawl back to you (like a dog), you can decide what to do at that point.

[becky23]

just one question. why will the pain of breaking up with someone be worse than the pain of staying. He was manipulative, he hurt me, disrespected me, etc....

 

is it due to the fact that my self esteem is mostly gone. I believe everyone, but I want to make sure that pain will eventually go away if i leave him, and that im doing the right thing..

 

thank you!

[kellbell]

I think Blue had it backwards. Staying in this relationship will cause you far more pain than leaving it. I say this because staying will be a constant pain, it will never ending because your boyfriend will NOT change. But the longer you stay, the harder and more painful it will be getting out of it.

 

I am not going to lie, leaving him will be painful. But that will go away over time. With support, encouragement, and allowing yourself experiencing all the emotions will help you tremendously.

 

You are doing the right thing. Believe me. Anyone whom treats you or talks to you like a dog needs to get kicked to the curb. Honestly, there are so many other guys out there that are sweet, caring, and won't treat you like this.

 

Leave this man ASAP!

[SilverCloud]

just one question. why will the pain of breaking up with someone be worse than the pain of staying. He was manipulative, he hurt me, disrespected me, etc....

 

is it due to the fact that my self esteem is mostly gone. I believe everyone, but I want to make sure that pain will eventually go away if i leave him, and that im doing the right thing..

 

thank you!

 

Becky23, yes I am better since i have left him. In my case we broke up a total of 4 times. Everytime like a fool i would believe that yes i was wrong..and maybe i was to a certain extent, but now i know i was not completely. But i love him so i put up with everything, and wanted to make it work.

 

He just kept blaming me cause it was easier to make me look like the one not making the relationship work so he doesnt have to put any effort.

 

I went back to him 3 times and the 4th time i just stopped cause i was disgusted by what he had made me. You see when we first got together i was a strong girl, not a dependant girl. I was fun to be with and loved life. The time i was with him, i was stressed and depressed, cause nothing i did would please him enough. Everytime i got back with him, his attitude towards me was worse. He would literally treat me like s*** and i would ignore it as if he was having a bad day. I would risk my health working and studying full time and also drive to his place to see him, and sometimes cook for him(he didnt even call me ever, not even to know if i got home safe).

 

This was my schedule wake up at 7:30 get ready go to work, leave work at 5:30 and run over to his house with groceries to cook something(I was being a caring girlfriend), then spend time with him till 11pm and then run home and study(distance learning) till 3 in the morning. I am living with my parents cause thats what my parents culture is(child does not leave till married).

 

He asked me to move in with him the third time we got together and i told him straight on his face that i was afraid that one day in his bad mood he will throw me out of his house and i will not be able to go back to my parents(my parents didnt want me to marry him cause of religious and cultural different and the fact that he was divorced and has two kids). He made no effort to comfort my fears, it was all about him..

 

I see the same pattern in yours, leave. My ex did say something that has stuck with me 'People dont change'... he is right about that one, he too will never change and worst part since he does not think he did anything wrong he will continue to his own destruction. I still love my ex, wish things could be different but they will not be cause that is the person he is. I loved him as he was... but that is no excuse to destroy myself.

 

Good luck... and yes the pain is great in leaving but you are right it is not life long as it would be staying with him.

[becky23]

Thank you all very much for your posts. They have really helped me see the light, and have confidence that there are men that wont treat me this way,and the longer I stay with him, the more opportunities to be with the right man will pass me by.

 

Silvercloud, your relationship sounds almost exactly like mine. I would do anything for him, cook, drive anytime anyday to see him, and drop what I was doing in a second if he needed me. He would thank me sometimes, but most of the time he would treat me as if cooking and cleaning was my "job"

He did pay for most of the things we did, but he made it clear that if I didn't "obey" him that he shouldn't have to pay or do anything in return for him.

 

He literally said I need to obey him, and i don't know if its because of the age difference, or because I let him..

 

Im guessing that even if he finds an older woman, he will treat her the same, right?? He keeps saying that its our age difference that causes all these problems, yet in all reality, when you really love someone, you can learn to overcome any obstacle. I seem to not be worth it to him

 

He is even ignoring me today when I tried to be nice to him! It hurts me so much the way he is treating me! I just need to find comfort that no matter WHAT woman he dates, whether she is his age or not, he will eventually treat her like crap too.. i have a part in it, but im not all to blame..

[SilverCloud]

Im guessing that even if he finds an older woman, he will treat her the same, right?? He keeps saying that its our age difference that causes all these problems, yet in all reality, when you really love someone, you can learn to overcome any obstacle. I seem to not be worth it to him

 

He is even ignoring me today when I tried to be nice to him! It hurts me so much the way he is treating me! I just need to find comfort that no matter WHAT woman he dates, whether she is his age or not, he will eventually treat her like crap too.. i have a part in it, but im not all to blame..

 

You are worth every effort, but stop expecting it from him. He is only about himself.

He will treat every woman this way whether there is age difference or not. I feel bad saying this but i felt it was true in my case so i will say it. Such men seek women who are weak to put up with their crap.

They are not seeking a partner they want a servants. I know now that my ex seeks women who get impressed with his personality(he can put up a good front for about 5 months) and then when they know the woman is trapped with them cause of feelings they start to come back to who they truly are....

At this point you might be thinking that the person you fell for is totally different then the person now... they have not changed they just started showing their real personality...

Such men make me wana become the black widow hahahahaha!!!

Atleast you know early... use the blessing that has been given to you...

[becky23]

You are right, and I thank you for sharing your experience. We both deserve so much better.

 

I am sick of being ignored, and only called or payed attention to when he feels like it, or when things are going well. Im sick of apologizing all the time, and not getting any response back..

 

I hope that you become strong again, and that we both find the man that deserves our love and affection!

[becky23]

Im sorry to keep posting, but i have been texting him today, and even being real nice, but he is ignoring me!

 

This sucks! Ive never felt so low! Why does he ignore me, and will he ever be nice enough to respond to me?

 

I wish I didn't care...

[kellbell]

Girl,

 

Step away from the phone. LOL This is what's perpetuating this cycle. You keep texting him, being nice, knowing in your heart he is going to be a jerk...then when he does act like a jerk, it makes you sink lower. This is going to continue to get worse if you keep at it.

 

Care about yourself for a change. Care about your own well-being and peace of mind. I know this is easier said than done but anything worthwhile is going to be hard.

 

My advice is to delete his number off your phone, block his email from your account, block his IM address if he has one. That is the step in the right direction. Also, if you feel up to it, call a friend and make some plans. DO not be alone tonight. Surround yourself with friends and family. THEY will stick by you, help you and not ignore you.

 

Please...get away from this guy fast. You can do this. I have faith in you. (((hugs)))

[becky23]

kellbell, thanks girl! I know, im putting myself into his trap. He is probably loving this, and he feels in power, thats why he refuses to call back no matter what I say.

 

i will try so hard to ignore him, that is, if he even tries to contact me. only a halfhearted man who doesn't care would do this to another human being..

 

thanks for all the support.

[Blue In Texas]

I guess this is what I meant by saying it would hurt more to leave. This is why people sometimes stay in abusive relationships. I should have said that it hurts more in the short-term. In the long-term, obviously, it would hurt more to stay. He isn't contacting you because he is a control freak and he doesn't want to relinquish that control. Get through the next couple of weeks w/o contacting him and it will start to get easier. Every time you are tempted to call him, imagine him telling you to heel.

[becky23]

haha. thanks... yes, I will remember all the times he ordered me around, told me to OBEY him, and told me to "heel." Ridiculous isn't it?

 

I know it sounds weird, as its only day one of NC, but I feel a sense of relieve already. No one telling me how I need to act, that I ruined things, or that Im a liar.. Thats all he's been doing to me lately is trying to pull out of me what HE wants to hear, and the truth is not enough. He INSISTS there is more, and I say with all honesty, there is not more. He calls me a liar about a situation, when it was a misunderstanding, and he has lied to me about things that are far more horrid, and i didn't DEMAND proof, and make him feel like an a** for 4 days in a row after he sincerely apologized.

 

I was even stupid enough to say that if he let all this just go, I would spend the rest of my life making him happy and glad he did. THats how much i love him.

 

He didn't even call yesterday after the email and texts. Its just not worth it. I have a long journey ahead, but at least soon I will be safe, and that carefree, happy woman i used to be..

[blender]

If you are losing a part of YOURSELF to anyone, then you should leave him. Walking on eggshells, tryiing to "be" what is "okay" for him, is NO WAY to a fulfilling future, do NOT stay, and yes it will be a difficult transition to "let go" but YOU MUST DO THIS, YOU are worthy of a mature, confident, loving, man who celebrates who you are, and the ONLY relationship that you should be in is one that makes you "feel wonderful" about yourself when you are with this person. Real, heathly long lasting love, helps each person become more confident and more "free". This relationship is "toxic" and if he were described ot YOU by someone else you would have NO interest, you are simply stuck in a pattern with him and you have wrapped your IDENTY up in it, this is just a "feeling" not a "fact" you are who YOU are regardless of HIM, and if you stay with him it will start to "chip away" at your sense of self... Leave now and get YOU back.

[passionfox]

My boyfriend James and I broke up early June 2005

and I thought I never would stop crying!

Months went by and I was still crying off & On.

I finally stoped crying without even trying,and I am

over it now. Yes,I miss that man sometimes!

His great,sexy hairy chest did things to me!

I just knew his lips were made just to fit mine because

they did so perfectly,but I know that I will always

remember the times we shared with a smile now.

Man',what a chest that man had on him!!! =D> 8-)

I'd love to touch it again!

But,I know it's over,and I am satisfied with that now.

I couldn't make a true commitment because I had so

much I had to do first. I wasn't ready to file for my

divorce for one thing. I needed the insurance,and my

soon to be Ex was helping me,and there were other

things that I couldn't change yet.

I loved this man more than any man I ever loved before,but

the timing was all wrong,and he needed more than I could

give him.

I fell in love with him before I knew it,but now I am very

careful not to fall so fast,if I fall at all.

I need to please myself first.

You will get over,you will,thats life!!!

[becky23]

Thank you all very much for sharing your advice and experiences. I know I will get over this, and live a happier life soon.

[Blue In Texas]

You will. Let us know how it goes. And if you get the urge to call him, post here instead.

[passionfox]

yes,post here,and fight it! Don't call him.

remind yourself that you will feel terrible if you do.

People here understand how you feel.

[xprincessbugx]

get out now! it'll only get worse, and sure, he might want you back after you ignore him and dont want to have anything to do with him, but dont go back!! It's better to be alone then be with someone who treats you badly!