Keeping emotions in check... my story...

[Rob1000]

HAHA... our pleasure Rob. I honestly don't know how I've been able to stop myself from declaring that undying love for my ex. I really am stronger. You're stronger too. On the brightside, you, Scruff, Major and myself all have something going with the ex, whether it turns out for the better or worse.

 

PATIENCE!!!

Good days, bad days!! I know I should be just moving on but how can I? My head says get up, get out and get over her but it just aint that easy.

 

Sometimes I think I should call her, be submissive, beg her to come back just so she can tell me to f*** off and give me the closure I need. But something inside me says that I've learnt this NC thing over the years for a reason.

 

I will be strong image removed

[enolaton]

Sometimes I think I should call her, be submissive, beg her to come back just so she can tell me to f*** off and give me the closure I need.

 

 

See, I don't think that would give you, or anyone else for that matter, closure. It'd probably make things worse.

 

You know what I've noticed? Obviously, when things are great and you're happy... time moves by so fast. When you're unhappy, EVERY day just draaaaaaaags on. These are somewhat unhappy times for you and I, and the rest of us. That's why, you gotta just take it one day at a time. I myself need to learn to be more patient. What better way to learn that then to play the waiting game with my ex, and try to move on at the same time. Hopefully it all works out in the end. I just miss her so much too...

[majord23]

See, I don't think that would give you, or anyone else for that matter, closure. It'd probably make things worse.

 

Bang on enol

 

Rob, it *doesn't* give you closure mate. I have done it in the past...thinking "Well, I'm just going to push because I want this thing to be resolved one way or the other....so I may as well lay it all on the line and get it over with".

 

Sounded great to me in theory - but in reality, I have regretted it every time I have done it. Not necessarily because I blew any chance I had (sometimes that was probably a good thing) but mainly because now, years down the track, I know that there are a couple of girls out there who view me as some pathetic guy who couldn't let go.

 

The worst part is, they are the girls that I wouldn't go out with now if they begged me to....but they would still (I assume) view themselves as having some kind of power over me.

 

Believe me when I say this - sometimes the most valuable thing you can walk away with from a break-up is your self-respect. You have yours now - keep it at all costs Rob, don't throw it away on an impulse bro.

 

We're all in the same boat here buddy - vent here, not to her.

[Rob1000]

It's day 26. 2 days short of 4 weeks. I can't believe I haven't spoken to her in that long. But it's getting easier.... the end is closer!! I hope..

 

You guys rule!

[NubianLove]

day 8 of NC, goodness never though I'd make it this far. I just thought about him right now, last night his sister was like I can tell u he misses u, but I was like he knows how to get a hold of me, my # and email hasnt changed, it cant be that bad. After 8yrs, he knows me more than anyone and knows that my phone never leaves my side, and I'm an email junkie, so thats not hard at all. Sometimes I get pissed, like a sec ago I did, but I brushed it away, thats wasted energy, I'm about to go for my morning run

 

way to go Rob1000, cant wait to get to that point.

[enolaton]

Keep up it guys!

 

On another note, I pose this question for anyone to answer:

If an ex (the dumper) let's say, truly loves you and wants to get back together, do you think it's 100% of the time they will let you know one way or another? The whole actions speak louder than words thing? Or, if they sense their ex (the dumpee) no longer has feelings for them, do they [the dumper] just move on with life without expressing their thoughts of reconciliation?

 

For some reason or another, I can't seem to get past this thing with my ex asking me several times if I was still in love with her. I think I've done very well up to this point with keeping my emotions in check, but I woke up in a horrilbe mood this morning. I know, no one knows for sure, but I'm thinking that maybe my ex was fishing to see if I still had feelings for her so as to help guage whether or not she should express any of her feelings? I don't know, but I just can't seem to get past it. All I want to do is just calmly and collectively (and yes, keeping those emotions in check) somehow find out why exactly she asked me if I still had feelings for her.

 

Venting...

[majord23]

Enol,

Remember how you answered her when she asked?

You said that she would need to tell you whay she wanted to know...and she wouldn't, apart from she 'just wanted to know'.

 

If she wanted to get back with you *now*, she had the perfect opportunity to ask you then...and she let it go. You GAVE her the opportunity to spill her feelings but she didn't.

 

She's not ready yet, so let it go for now...don't pressure her, and don't let her know that her question bothered you.

 

Pushing this, and worrying about it isn't going to get you anywhere mate.

[BONO]

Slowly does it enol.

 

If you say YES I LOVE YA, then you have just given her what she wants. Security. And worse still a blanket one at that. The fall back guy. The submissive unattractive rock she can call a friend, who will always be there.

 

I bet Princess Diana's Bulter(Paul Burrell) would have loved to get it together with her. But he was her *rock*. Something that will always be there, something that has has no appeal because it is constant.

 

How do you increase a products worth in the market ? Decrease its supply and in some cases remove it all together from the market.

 

People are attracted to the things they can't have - for the most part.

[enolaton]

Sorry, just been in an awful mood. Thanks for the advice guys.

 

Her behavior is odd, but I'm leaning towards the fact that she simply just wanted to know if I had feelings for her. I wasn't expecting all this to happen when I broke NC. I've faced the fact the she has had opportunities to see me or express her feelings, and she just hasn't. Not becuase she isn't ready, but I believe it's becuase those feelings for me DON'T exist in the first place. Yet, her asking me still bothers the hell outta me. I'm trying to keep my distance for now. I'd rather come here to vent, then to let her see my confusion about all this.

 

Just waiting for this to pass, and be on my merry way...

[Andy 11]

Ok. Pretty much as I thought. The other guy - you need to find out whether he is simply a 'distraction'. Sometimes these things are thrown in to test the waters. You know ... along the lines of 'I have been seeing a fair bit of So-and-So' while you were away in order to tease out whether you had been seeing anyone while you were away. Do you get my drift.

 

So how would you find out if she has been talking to another guy, as in my case I know she has been textin a guy who worked for the same company but he worked in bristol while she worked in Croydon. Her messages have been along the line of " i have never been a girly girl but im just doing my make up to go out" and I dont know what he sent but her reply was ? ? ? xxx

[Rob1000]

Sorry, just been in an awful mood. Thanks for the advice guys.

 

Her behavior is odd, but I'm leaning towards the fact that she simply just wanted to know if I had feelings for her. I wasn't expecting all this to happen when I broke NC. I've faced the fact the she has had opportunities to see me or express her feelings, and she just hasn't. Not becuase she isn't ready, but I believe it's becuase those feelings for me DON'T exist in the first place. Yet, her asking me still bothers the hell outta me. I'm trying to keep my distance for now. I'd rather come here to vent, then to let her see my confusion about all this.

 

Just waiting for this to pass, and be on my merry way...

Enol, do you think a little dose of NC might be good for you?

[enolaton]

That might just be what the doc ordered... At the very least, I'm keeping my distance for now. I've been fine up until she asked me if I was still in love with her. I would think that'd throw anyone for a loop.

 

You see, when I broke NC, I prepared myself for anything I thought she'd throw at me, so that I'd be able to handle it... EXCEPT THAT. What would be the point of me preparing for a "are you still in love with me" question, if I broke NC just for the purpose of keeping touch, and not reconciliation?

 

I'm so taken aback by her statement, and I think it's more for the reason that it was just for the sake of an ego boost at my expense. I may never know. In any case, I'm just gonna take it slow... thanks dude.

[tylercdurden2004]

You see, when I broke NC, I prepared myself for anything I thought she'd throw at me, so that I'd be able to handle it... EXCEPT THAT. What would be the point of me preparing for a "are you still in love with me" question, if I broke NC just for the purpose of keeping touch, and not reconciliation?

 

 

What would be the reason you avoided dealing with that question?

[enolaton]

I avoided dealing with the possbility of that question, because I never thought it would arise. Now that it has... well...

[enolaton]

Ex called...

 

She has a lot of happy and good things going on in her life, and yet, she sounds so miserable. Obviously, "actions speak louder than words (Scruff's magic words), but it seems at times she's trying to tell me she finally realizes that there are things she knows she must change in herself.

 

I'll inquire as to what's bothering her, but let it go when she just says "nothing". She doesn't vent to me too much. In fact, last night we spoke about some of our fondest memories spent with each other in the past. All-in-all, things are going well, and I'm glad that we've established this "keeping in touch" relationship. She'll bring up things from our past that also make the conversations awkward, and I don't know why she does that - she even spoke once of her rebound relationship after me that she was upset about.

 

Overall, everything is cool. We're both visiting mutual friends for Easter Sunday. Her behavior is just odd and unhappy, as always... I just hope she doesn't try to really make her unhappiness MY problem too...

[majord23]

Ex called...

I just hope she doesn't try to really make her unhappiness MY problem too...

 

 

She can't unless you *let* her mate. Don't take on her problems as your own, and don't think of yourself as the solution to her problems.

 

SHE has issues that she has to work through...you just keep moving on and see if she catches up.

[tylercdurden2004]

Overall, everything is cool. We're both visiting mutual friends for Easter Sunday. Her behavior is just odd and unhappy, as always... I just hope she doesn't try to really make her unhappiness MY problem too...

 

You better make sure YOU dont make her unhappiness YOUR problem.

[enolaton]

Right guys, that's what I meant to say...

[majord23]

I'm thinking of pulling the pin on my 'mission'.

 

My ex emailed me during the week...a friendly email that updated me on the areas of her life she wanted me to know about ( ) and didn't ask me any questions. She ended it with "Catch you later", which I guess implied that contact would be ongoing...which was a nice thought at the time...but I'm not sure if I still feel the same way.

 

I responded today - another light email designed to amuse her (not asking her any questions)...and guess what? I'm feeling down.

 

It's not the expectation of/desire for/waiting on a reply that has me down...it's the fact that I realise that 'hanging in there' with contact could be a long process that could umtimately be futile and will also (more importantly) stifle my progress.

 

I have decided to leave things to fate: If she responds and asks me questions, I will reply. If she responds without any questions, I won't.

 

If she doesn't respond at all...then this becomes a hell of a lot easier, and truth be told, that is what I'm hoping for - for this 'situation' to be taken out of my hands.

 

I'm still a firm believer in 'keeping emotions in check' whilst being in contact with an ex, but I'm starting to realise that I probably shouldn't be deliberately putting myself into situations where I *have* to keep them in check.

It's almost like I'm putting my hurt on hold when I should be letting go completely. I said that I would pull out if I thought this was affecting me negatively...and I think it's starting to.

 

The other thing that is playing on my mind is the fact that I am meeting some really nice girls - and it is not fair to them, or to me, to 'put the reins on' a new relationship because I'm holding on to see what will happen with my ex.

I still feel like that now...that I don't want to get into anything too serious 'in case' she comes back. That was not part of my plan and shouldn't be part of anyones. My plan was to let go....move on...and then see what happens.

 

I don't feel as though I can do that with her in my life, even on the periphery.

 

My initial goal was to extablish contact to demonstrate to my ex that I was back to my old self...that I wasn't the serious guy that she last encountered, and that I could still make her feel good.

 

I think, with the emails I have sent, that I have achieved that. I don't feel as though she would have any reason to feel sorry for me, nor would she have any reason to be angry with me. So, if she knows that....I don't think that there is anything left for me to do

 

My next step is reliant on what comes next from her.

 

Let's hope she doesn't reply

[enolaton]

Major... sounds like a good plan - leave things to fate! Although,I guess you and I look at this "keeping emotions in check" thing a little differently though. At times, I am bothered by my ex's actions when we speak, but I'm not holding out for anything, and would gladly see other women seriously, without caring whether or not the ex will come back (though it would be nice).

 

I guess it all comes down to the fact that you were able to go NC with your ex right after she broke up with you. I, on the other hand, explored EVERY venue and path to get her back, and failed miserably. I am content with where I am right now and the decision I made to break NC, BECAUSE I know that I've already done ALL I could.

 

Yes, many would argue that NC IS the best way to go to heal, AND to have even the most remote chance of reconciling with the ex. However, I guess what I'm trying to get at is... will you be able look back knowing that you pulled the pin on your "mission" to show your ex that you are no longer the "serious" guy she remembers? Will you be content to just walk away forever? I guess I just want you to succeed at keeping your emotions in check and keeping in touch with your ex, whilst seeing other women (not pulling the pin on the mission before the mission has really begun... I am personally, in this for the long run, no matter the outcome.

 

Either way, we're with ya!

[majord23]

Thanks for the reply mate

 

At times, I am bothered by my ex's actions when we speak, but I'm not holding out for anything, and would gladly see other women seriously, without caring whether or not the ex will come back (though it would be nice).

 

If I get to that stage (and I may yet), then I will be happy to stay in touch again enol. For the time-being though, I just feel as though I am preventing myself from moving on.

I can't see myself willing to be with someone seriously and STILL be in contact with my ex though...if I am *that* serious, or can see potential in someone, the ex should be the last thing on my mind. I can't see *anyone* rivalling her at the moment, and I don't see that as healthy.

 

I really am looking at this through objective eyes at the moment.

 

 

However, I guess what I'm trying to get at is... will you be able look back knowing that you pulled the pin on your "mission" to show your ex that you are no longer the "serious" guy she remembers? Will you be content to just walk away forever? I guess I just want you to succeed at keeping your emotions in check and keeping in touch with your ex, whilst seeing other women (not pulling the pin on the mission before the mission has really begun... I am personally, in this for the long run, no matter the outcome.

 

I guess my situation is slightly different though mate. I broke NC to start the whole 'staying in touch' thing and received an email back, that although friendly, did not ask me any questions...thus didn't actually *require* a response.

If I receive another like that....then I guess I can't see the point in continuing. If I keep responding to emails that don't need a reply, then it puts me in a submissive position...as though I am the only one keeping the contact up. That's not an avenue I want to venture down.

 

I will be content to have reached out (twice - giving her a second chance, so to speak). If her effort to keep in touch isn't as great as mine, then I will not persist. It will just make me frustated, make me appear submissive in her eyes, and also lead to me losing respect for myself.

 

So, a response similar to her first one will lead to me initiating NC again - I will be happy with that, because (without directly saying it) it tells her that I have expectations of staying in touch...and I won't bother if they aren't met. That may be the message she is trying to send me anyway....a friendly "Nice to hear from you, but leave it be.".

 

Either way, we're with ya!

 

Likewise mate

[enolaton]

I definitely see where you're coming from... minimalize the hurt...

 

keep us informed on how things are panning out...

 

 

 

 

On a side note, I was wondering... does anyone have any suggestions on what to say if the ex asks if I'm seeing someone else?

[majord23]

On a side note, I was wondering... does anyone have any suggestions on what to say if the ex asks if I'm seeing someone else?

 

Up until my last contact with my ex, she had always asked this very question and I also had the same dilemma when I sent my first email: What if she asks?

Given there had been a month of NC, I wasn't sure what to say.

 

I had played several options over in my head:

"Yes"

"Yes, but nothing serious"

"Yes, but it's only early days"

"No"'

"No, I'm having a great time being single"

"No, but I've got my eye on someone"

...or my personal favourite: "No-one permanent....I've been filling the position with temps"

 

I didn't want to appear too available, but also didn't want it to look like I was 'off-limits'.

I gave this quite a bit of thought and stumbled accross the perfect answer, that had been staring me in the face all along...honesty.

 

If you are seeing someone and are genuinely happy...tell the ex if they ask.

The only part I would be less than honest about (or at least omit) is the fact that you want to reconcile. (if that's what you want to do).

 

Volunteer the absolute minimum amount of information, but don't lie.

 

Avoid the question if possible.

[enolaton]

Honesty is the best policy... thanks Major.

[GeeCee]

Hope you guys are coping during the holidays.

 

I remember ... it can be tough.

 

Wishing you all well.

 

G xx