Keeping emotions in check... my story...

[GeeCee]

So have you decided when you will see her yet?

 

I was thinking about you last night Majord .... Well more thinking of your gal.

 

Four months into a relationship.... This is my take - of course I may be a million miles away. But you know I love to yak!!!!

 

Four months into a relationship I know whether I like a guy or not. I know whether I want it to go somewhere or not. I am quite intense so at the four month mark if it is not a fulfilling relationship I am gone. If it is a fulfilling relationship then we will both know by this time. So am wondering - is it that you both might have had quite strong feelings for each other, but that you both realised that you were going to be away for some time, so you almost 'put them on hold' in order to save the pain of separation? This is just a question because it is what I would do. Mentally remove myself from the feelings in order to avoid the pain. In doing this, I might then realise that hey, this is ok, I can live without this guy. Start doing the things I did before - friends, social stuff etc that I had put on hold for four months while I was dating. Then the guy comes back, and I am a little confused. Don't want to fly staight back into the intensity, but not sure whether I want him to go yet.

 

Not sure that this helps. Am trying to understand what might be going through her head and how this might help you in your next plan.

 

G xx

[Rob1000]

Hey GeeCee,

 

I've read a couple of your posts and you seem like a really smart and wise person. I'd really like your take on my situation if you get the time to read it.

 

 

Thanks in advance

 

Rob

[BONO]

If you have been following my story over the last 3/4 months you will know that by keeping my emotions in check, following the perfect plan and following the advice of many my ex phoned me just under 2 weeks ago to say that she missed me and wanted to discuss " Getting Back Together" .

 

I told her that she needs to make 100 % sure that the reasons for dumping me no longer apply, and as such both agreed to talk about it when I got back from a week away.

 

 

So im back and I received a text yesterday pm :

 

" I take it your back, hope you are OK. My guess is that you may still be in bed"

 

 

I replied an hour later :

 

" No no, up at the crack today. Got mum and dad down until this eve. "

 

 

With this i have shown that I have got back from my hols, and spent the whole day doing something else without contacting her first. I have not heard anything since replying to her text though.

 

 

In fairness there is not a lot to talk about. She dumped me. She's implied and has shown that she wants to give it a go again. We agreed to talk about it when I got back. I'm back, if she is phoning to catch up I'm not interested in catching up and talking about the weather!

 

 

So the ball is in her court. If she wants to talk about getting back she has got to be 100% sure that the reason we split no longer apply.

 

And yes - my emotions are in check.

 

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Like clockwork I have just got this email

 

 

 

 

I presume that all is well and that everyone arrived back safe and well, although I have not heard from anyone so I would imagine that you are all recovering from the exertion to a certain extent.

 

Good to hear that your mum and dad are down and that you have managed to spend some time with them before going back to work.

 

I have now been exceedingly busy for the last week with no sign of it changing which is good and means that time is flying by.

 

I take it from your silence whilst away and since returning that I am not the only one to have reached a few decisions and intend to address them all after work. Although I have to go and sign my mortgage agreement etc so it may be quite late as I have to go to Preston. However, if you are too busy anyway then just let me know.

 

 

Any advice on a response would be great guys !!

 

 

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

I really dont know how i would take that email. That thing about slience and descisions kinda is throwing me off. sry

[BONO]

Big Jim,

 

Whats the worst she can do, Dump Me ???!!??? That's pretty hard to do.

 

Why does she want to call me tonight?

 

She is likely to be a little nervous because I have not really had any contact created tension and I am dating. This is a very hard decision for her and me as there will be more raised eyebrows than Roger Moore if we get back.

 

Scruff

[majord23]

Hey scruff,

It sounds like she assumes that you have decided that you don't want to get back together...which could be a good thing.

 

See what frame of mind she's in when she calls tonight and take it from there. Be honest with her regarding your wished to give it a second chance...but also let her know that you won't be accepting anything less than a complete commitment from both of you to make it work.

 

Keep us posted buddy

[majord23]

GeeCee, your wisdom is second only to your beauty

 

You have pretty much hit the nail on the head. It was a very intense four months indeed....and she has said that if I didn't go away that we would still be together.

 

After I left, she (by all accounts) was a mess - bursting into tears at work, phoning me daily etc. She also raised the prospect of us moving out together when I returned.

 

But what you have said is also true - I think she got used to the 'single life' while I was away...to the point of being almost certain that we should break-up when I returned.

When I returned, that certainty turned to confusion and the two times that we met up were great....she didn't want to reconcile but also didn't want me out of her life.

 

I still remember her saying "Just relax, and let things take their course..." which probably implies that given time we would be back on track. The problem was that she had mentioned another guy the last time we met...and I wasn't willing to let things 'take their course' while a third party was involved. And I sure as hell wouldn;t be able to 'relax' - so I removed myself from the situation.

 

And now, I am (as the title of the thread suggests) on the way to having my emotions in check. I don't have the intense feelings associated with the initial period after a break-up but am still interested in a second chance.

 

I want to establish some contact and see where it takes us. If I am able to keep my distance and not let my emotions rule my head, then I am quietly confident of the outcome....but I'm not as confident as to when it will be.

 

I can win her over - but if there are obstacles out of my control (another guy) then obviously it's probably best to cut my losses and find my next victim

[GeeCee]

Ok. Pretty much as I thought. The other guy - you need to find out whether he is simply a 'distraction'. Sometimes these things are thrown in to test the waters. You know ... along the lines of 'I have been seeing a fair bit of So-and-So' while you were away in order to tease out whether you had been seeing anyone while you were away. Do you get my drift.

 

I know that if I have just finished with a guy, I do not tell him about a new guy. No no no. What is the point?

 

Waiting is good. It is very good.

 

G xx

 

P.S. How are YOU REALLY FEELING Majord? Send me your MSN address and we can catch up.

[majord23]

Hey Geester

 

Na, the guy was more than a distraction. The fact that my ex mentioned him was because she had no idea that I was about to walk out of her life.

 

She told me that a guy had been hitting on her, wanted to take her on holiday etc etc. She played it down BIG time : "I should just go to get a free trip out of it."...."I hope he takes me somewhere interesting so I can go sight-seeing and not have to spend too much time alone with him".

 

Remember, she thought I was sticking around...so the chances were that I *would* find out about this guy. I think she pre-empted it by making it sound as 'casual' as possible. Whether that was to keep me in the game, or to spare my feelings, I don't know. Pretty misguided way of sparing my feelings though lol. It backfired on her, as I mentioned the guy as being one of the reasons I wouldn't be staying around.

 

I'm seriously doing fine babes - sent the 'break contact' email yesterday and have a sense of relief. The ball is out of my court

 

ps Check ya PM's

[GeeCee]

Ok .... thanks for your PM - all good. All very very good in fact. I wanted you myself after I read that!!! Especially on the bus!

 

So now you have to sit tight. She will respond. Just give it time. I suspect within two days.

 

Sun is shining Majord, and I am NOT on a diet. Shall head out for a liquid lunch.

 

You did a great job with the email. Try and catch you tonight!

 

G xx

[majord23]

Shall head out for a liquid lunch.

 

Ah, a woman after my own heart

[enolaton]

Got my fingers crossed for you Major...

 

On my end... my ex is still contacting me quite frequently (whether it be by phone or instant message), just to see how I am. Sometimes we just have real basic, superficial conversation with a joke here and there, following up on how our days went. Other times, we can talk for an hour or two, no problem. I truly didn't expect this much contact from her, and I'm not sure what to make of it. For some reason, my gut is telling me that she is waiting for me to initiate our meeting up. I don't think she'll initiate our spending a day together. In fact, I think she may believe I'm seeing someone (becuase I've been real mysterious and quick not to give any of that info away to her, or our mutual friends). She's expressed interest in the past to see me, but I don't know if that still holds water. I'm thinking of just throwing my cards on the table, and ask to spend a day together in the near future. What do you guys think?

[jojean]

i don't really know your whole story. I read some of it. It was her who did the break up. Maybe this is a way of her to not feel guilty of this break up.

Break up doesn't mean that the other party doesn't care about you anymore.

(depends ,ofcourse, how the person is)

If there's something going to happen (like meeting up) i think it's better to let her initiate this and not you.

[Frangipani]

Well, wait till you hear this!!

 

I cant really call this guy the ex, even though he feels like one. We never had a chance to be together properly because I was in the process of leaving my old boyfriend to be with him ... and he went off with another.

 

Anyway, I always felt he was my soul mate and was worth taking the risk for. That was 7 months ago. I did NC for 2 months then I found I was able to talk as friends, its been hard to maintain a coolness though. Very hard. He is coming to my city in late April and is staying with me for an event we are both attending. I was very wary of this and it seems he is nervous too. His new girlfriend knows and the odd thing is...I think she is coming here too, but is staying with her family, not for the same amount of time as him though. I'm at a loss to explain this and have no expectations (he has already told me his is nervous about staying because he doesnt want 'me to expect more of him than he can be') but I do still love the man with all my heart. I told him that I still have the same feelings for him that I always had but that I would not be pursuing it.

 

What do you make of this? He has told her he is staying here and that we are best friends (she is an old friend of mine that I fell out with which makes it worse and she KNOWS I had feelings for him for years). He says he is nervous about staying here. I have told him I am not going to pursue him at all. If he was THAT worried surely he would stay somewhere else??

 

I am however, very glad that I (calmly and without emotion) told him I still had feelings for him. I will not lie about that but will not be pursuing it either. I said I was dealing with it, which I am, and will be treating his visit in a friedly happy way. What is everyones take on this bizarre turn of events?

[BONO]

Im not sure, but I kept my emotions in check by looking at her actions rather than words. Not saying anything, until her actions became words. Then I took it fronm there.

 

 

Scruff

[enolaton]

Well... it happened guys (no, we didn't get back together). I got a sobbing call from the ex last night. She has a lot of things going on in her life, and needed someone to talk to, understandably so.

 

Then... she brings up her rebound relationship, and how they broke up a while back, but that she just found out that he had cheated on her when they were together. Obviously, I am the closest person to her (well, I know her the best), and she was very upset. She was saying "it was a mistake to call you", or "I'm not your problem", but I just kept my emotions in check and tried to be there for her. She also said that her Mom had told her "what goes around, comes around", meaning her Mom believes my ex is paying for the fact that she broke up with me (her family always liked me).

 

Unfortunately, she started to bring up stuff from our relationship, as much as I tried to avoid it, and was telling me how even now, I was always there for her and would always give advice, but she always just needed someone to be there for her and NOT tell her "everything will be OK". I can understand that, and I learned that last night. We did get a little heated at some points, though I did try to remain calm, but things didn't exactly work out that way. At one point, she even asked me if I had any feelings for her (I guess in terms of if I love her, not if I'm in love with her), to which I just danced around and tried not to give a straight answer -though it was implied that she does "love" me, just not in love.

 

She didn't mention anything about getting back together, and no matter what anyone tells her, it seems she is just not willing to take another chance on me. I guess I've entered the friendzone. In any case, we got off the phone a little better, with me telling her I'd be there for her. I guess I'm in too deep now, but for the most part, I was able to keep my emotions in check. Just not sure how to act now...

[BONO]

Impressed.

 

Not sure what to say right now apart from the main focus of any interaction with an ex in this phase HAS to be US keeping our emotions in check. This is the key. Why ?

 

1) Because we learn from that contact and grow stronger next time any interaction occurs. In a sense our "Emotional Skin" becomes thicker and our "Emotional Thoughts" have learnt from the experince and thus become stronger.

 

2)Its bloody attractive.

 

 

Scruff

 

( sorry spelt your name wrong )

[enolaton]

Thanks Scruff...

 

I did my best, and learned from last night. I still don't know how to act. I didn't know what to say when she brought "us" up, and she definitely got annoyed. So, things didn't go perfectly, but nonetheless, she definitely got off the phone with the impression that I'm there for her.

 

I really want to see her, maybe spend the day together, and get away from BOTH our problems. Bad idea??? At least I know she'll always love me. Again, I just don't know what to do at this point...

 

 

P.S. I don't know if anyone realized it, but my name "Enolaton", is just NotAlone backwards (just wanted to point that out)...

[BONO]

I would play it cool and let her contact you. When she does be a little unavailable ie dont pick up, then call back 2 hours later - same with the text.

 

Also remember point 3 on this thread that you started pal.

 

Scruff

[enolaton]

Touche Scruff...

 

Moment of weakness...

 

I guess it just goes to show that a rebound relationship hardly EVER works, and they [the ex] usually come back running to you in some form or another (even if it's just a shoulder to cry on). As long as you can keep from being their emotional blanket. I needed that reminder Scruff... that is...

 

KEEP THOSE EMOTIONS IN CHECK!!!

 

She has done 90% of the contacting thus far, and being that I broke NC, I might take the initiative here, and ask to "hang-out", and then maybe disappear for awhile after. Don't wanna hold anything back, and I'm strong enough where I have NOTHING to lose - I'm not shooting for anything (no expectations). Situations occur, and we sometimes don't know how to deal with them. We're ALL strong, we just have to find it in ourselves... and hold on to it...

[Rob1000]

Keep it up enot, I'm watching your progress with interest. Be strong my man.

[BONO]

Remember humans are not robots and as such they have emotions. Humans dont have a on/off switch to emotions because they are triggered by thoughts which for the most part are not logical.

 

We have thousands of thoughts a day.These thoughts can trigger emotions such as hate love laughter etc. Its how you filter these thoughts to your advantage that is the key. They are only thoughts and as such thoughts cannot hurt you.

 

Thus on that basis you can not apply logic to emotions, but you can apply logic to TIME.

 

After a good amount of time through NC there is a very good argument to suggest that humans tend to forget the bad times and only the good times.

 

Why? Because most humans filter out bad times and replace it with good times - unless your ill , in which case we need to look at different forums!!

 

Any interferance with NC tends compound and reinforce the exes decision to split. In the meantime use this experience to learn and grow and perhaps move on with the comfort of the sound principals of NC to keep our Emotions in Check

 

Does this make sense ??

[Rob1000]

Its day 21 of NC for me! This time 3 weeks ago she had just broken up with me. The pain of that day still haunts me and probably will do for some time.

 

I know that my main reasons for NC is to hopefully get back with her and I plan to email her in another 3 weeks or so just to open things up but I'm hoping that I'll be strong enough by then to maintain NC. But my heart is aching for her and I can't stop thinking about her.

[majord23]

But my heart is aching for her and I can't stop thinking about her.

 

I'm having one of those days too Rob

I'm finding it really hard to *not* think of the good times, and it's a killer.

 

Just got to ride it out and let it pass spontaneously mate - there's nothing else you can do to ease the pain except to let it ease itself.

 

I'm content with the fact that my ex doesn't have any idea that I'm hurting - if she did, although it may ilicit some sympathy, it would in no way make me an attractuve prospect.

 

I hate days like this though.