Speaking terms with ex

[hopelessxnow]

hey guys, i really need help basically.. me and my ex broke up over 5 months ago or so. For the first 3 months we havnt really been in contact much apart from emails and texts from me pleading to get back and her being really harsh to me back. The rest of the months it was me finally realising the closure and that she needed space. So i did strict LC for about 2 months.. and recently she had been telling me she doesnt want anything to do with me but doesnt hate me and wants me to be happy. Basically, it was easier for her to just blank me. Which is what she had been doing for months while i've been doing LC. I wrote lots of emails explainin im over her and i just wanted to be friends. I didnt get many replies until last week when she explained the whole 'i dont hate you.. i dont think ur a * * * * or anything i just think its easier for me to just blank you and cut you out of my life'. I asked my friend to tell her to unblock me on msn to talk about it and then she could block me again. She unblocked me and i was quite shocked and grateful. We had a talk about our situation and terms. And had a little debate about what would happen if we didnt or did go on speaking-terms. She then decided, 'okokok we're on speaking terms'. So i thought yay =D .. but she explained how at the moment i'm out of her life and we cant just be friends overnight but she will start to treat me like a normal person. So we've had pretty lame conversations on msn for the past few days and they dont go very far although she has been quite friendly. And i asked her whats the point.. you hardly talk. And she was like i didnt say we wre goin to be friends.. you're out of my life i said i was gonna treat you like a normal person. she asked me wouldnt i find it weird if someone you dont hardly know anymore and spoken to for so long just suddenly asks about ur mothers ex bf?.. and so i asked so when are we gonna be friends, in a year??.. and she was like i dont no. note: she sounds quite blunt and harsh but this isnt exactly how she explained/said things.

 

but ya.. i still REALLY love her and i dont know what is the best approach to getting back with her in the future .. in like a few months ??.. i dont know i really do want to become friends like we were before... before trying to get back with her but where do i start? whats the best thing to do? NC? or LC? Please someone guide me through..

 

thank you!!

 

sorry if i sounded very dull, boring and factual in explainin the sitatuion.. im just a tad too tired to make it sound expressive lol

[solo34]

U want her back like I want my girl back...but U got 2 leave it alone. Let her do her thing...better yourself, focus on YOU. In time, she'll hear about U doing better, being better, and she'll possibly get curious and might start 2 come around 2 U.

 

This is my advice and what I'm doing about this.

 

-Solo34

[hopelessxnow]

hmm.. but how would leaving her alone remind her of you and how would it let yourself get back into her life again? im confused ..

[solo34]

By leaving her alone (which she wanted, because she broke it off with me), I'm doing EXACTLY what she wanted.

 

When the new guy that she's got isn't acting right, etc. she'll probably end up thinking about me. Even still, I was with her almost 3 years. She probably thinks of me sometimes now, 2. I'm not sure, but she might.

 

Point is, I know this new guy of her's might be lots of things...but I know what he isn't. He isn't me. He don't love her, care 4 her, appreciate her, etc. the way that I do. She'll realize all of this, 2.

 

The move is hers 2 make towards me...I bothered her 4 a long time after she left me. She left on Oct. 28th...I kept it up trying 2 get her back up until Jan. 4th. Ever since Jan. 4th, I've been "dead" 2 her...she might be thinking about what I'm up 2, etc. but it's on her 2 reach 4 me.

 

I'm not going 2 be reaching 4 her. Like I said, it's on her...the ball's in her court. I'm just working on ME. I've got a brand new job that I start 2morrow, and I've got LOTS of plans 4 myself. I'm going 2 be getting a new car, clothes, etc.

 

I'm sure that she'll hear about all this eventually, and it'll peak her curiosity. U see, my ex left me because I lost myself...I lost my confidence, got very down and depressed, etc. She even told me towards the end before she broke it off with me that I should try and become the man that she fell in love with. I understand this because I've had time 2 think and work on myself. Well, when she hears about me working, having a new ride, etc. she'll know that I've bettered myself and that I'm back 2 being the man that she fell in love with originally.

 

However, I will be even GREATER than I was. It's because I've learned from this time apart. I've grown and continue doing so. This is what I propose 2 U. Just work on U, and I know that she's already going 2 think of U anyway. Give your ex the man she fell 4, AND an even better man.

 

Sometimes the 2nd time around is the best time...sometimes we have 2 lose one another 2 find one another. Just give her what she wants. Let her be alone, and I promise that she won't 4get U. She'll always remember U 4 being that guy that gave her love...freedom...understanding...etc.

 

Give it some time, man; just as I'm doing. I haven't heard from her and I haven't bothered her. But it's not the right time, anyway. My ex has another man now, but like I said. He's NOT me...she'll come 2 realize this, 2. U know what? She might already know that she misses me, etc. but the move is HERS 2 make.

 

Just let it go 4 right now...give her what she is asking 4. Maybe in a few months U can lay your cards out on the table 2 her. Maybe U won't have 2 'cause she'll have done it 4 YOU.

 

-Solo34

[hopelessxnow]

hey thanx for your reply It really helped! I guess I will start to focus on myself more, do Limited Contact and allow her to contact me if she wants to. She wants me to take the whole friendship idea really slow so i guess ill just leave her alone altogether.. maybe then she'd want to make the effort to start being friends because at the moment its only me making the effort and she doesnt sound too bothered

[solo34]

There U go man, but if U want her 4 your girl, 4get about the friendship. Anyone can be her friend...U want her 2 be your girl. 4get the Limited Contact, it's all about NO CONTACT.

 

Other than that, U definitely got it.

 

-Solo34

[photomo]

solo34 - I'm doing and thinking the same. We even have very similar dates of our breakups, so we must be going through the same phases at the same time. (She broke up with me at the beginning of October and I went NC on 8th January, after months of pleading and losing all self-respect!).

 

I'm working on myself, knowing I'll come out as a far better person than I ever was. I have no plans to contact my ex just yet, however in May we will both be attending the wedding of our mutual friends - so hopefully, I would have healed myself enough to have a civil conversation with her, and show her what she's missing.

 

I will naively say that I will never shut her out of my life altogether, I don't think. Sure, I will give myself the time to move on, but someday I hope that if we cannot resolve our relationship, we could at least be in contact now and again.

[solo34]

Wow Photmo, I guess it really is just a small world now isn't it? Same months, realitively the same time frame, etc.

 

Yeah, I sure ain't gonna contact my ex anytime soon. I'm just working on me, etc. Eventually I might give it a shot at laying myself out on the line, but not until I feel that I am back 2 the man that she fell in love with. Which will be when I've got my feet back underneath me 4 good. So about 2-3 more months or more.

 

I just hope that my ex won't hesitate 2 get at me if she wants 2 be back with me as well.

 

Take care Photomo.

 

-Solo34

[photomo]

solo34 - I used to hope that my ex wouldn't hesitate to contact me if she wanted me back. However, since I've read the "Gender differences in breaking NC" post, that bit of hope has gone. I'm now beginning to accept that if even if she did want me back, she'd probably never directly say it to me because she'd be too stubborn to admit to her mistakes.....

 

This wedding in May will be my opportunity to prove to her that I do not need her anymore - it will be my only chance to show her I've moved on, and potentially make her realise of her loss. She last saw me with tears in my eyes....she'll next see me as the happy guy she fell in love with in 1999, only better and wiser.

 

If there's any chance of reconciliation, it will occur sometime after the wedding...but until that date, I do not exist as far as she is concerned.

 

Good luck to you solo34.

[solo34]

Yeah, good points, man. I often think about how I should act when I see her. Because I know it's going 2 be by complete accident or something like that. I know HOW I SHOULD act, but she'll be able 2 read through the BS a mile away.

 

I guess that I'll have 2 give an Oscar worthy performance if I see her. Thing is, I don't know whether 2 be all smiling ('cause I was NEVER that way), or just play it cool like "Hey (ex's name), how U doin'?"

 

I often wonder if she would be stubborn and she wouldn't try and come back. She's always known and gone 4 what she's wanted. I think if anything kept her from coming 2 me, it would be her own guilt of the way she treated me or had this new BF. U know, her worried about if I'd want her back...thinking that I wouldn't after she's been with a new man.

 

I would take her back, but this is what I think is going 2 eventually make me put myself out there.

 

-Solo34