A 40 year age gap, and the complications. advice?

[lovelylibertine]

Hope you guys don't mind a post, I'm new here.

 

So, I guess the basic facts go as follows: I'm twenty, an aspiring artist/college student with a less than stable personality, he's just turned sixty, the all-around good guy, never married, who, at this late point in life, has given up any hope for greater achievement, and the two of us, as you have probably already guessed, are in love. Goddamn crazy, no? Well, crazy as it is, it exists, and has for the last two years. I genuinly love him, and yes, I most certianly do know - have learned the hard way, in fact - the difference between love and infatuation. That isn't to say that we haven't had our fits, screaming "you're too young!" "you're too old!" back and forth till we're both hoarse accross an apartment; we're certainly not perfect, but we work. You see, I find it amazing that the two of us can sit down, have a passionate conversation - over politics, or art, or even just a movie, and then make the most amazing love. Where the problems kicks in, in my oppinnion, is not actually an internal part of the relationship, it's having friends as a couple, and being accepted by our family and friends, and being able to go out to dinner with out feeling like we're violating some sort of law. There's also, on the more morbid side, what happens to me after he's gone? There is also the silent issue of marrage that looms continually over us.

 

See my confusion? I'd love anyone's input. Thanks.

 

 

](*,)

[annie24]

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

I think if he makes you happy, stick with him! Age is just a number. You both are of legal age and if other people have a problem with it, well, you know where they can stick their problem

 

Obviously, there are valid issues, like maybe he doesn't want kids, and yes, he will be probably gone before you.... (but that can happen to anyone at any age.....)

 

I don't know what to say. If he treats you well and you are happy with him, then stay. Love is hard to find.

 

good luck

[DN]

When you are in the prime of life at 35 he will be 75 and in need of at least some level of care. You have probably thought of all that but the reality will still be startling. My wife works in a nursing home for the elderly - most of her day is spent feeding, washing and diapering people. Are you prepared to do that for him for a number of years if necessary?

[annie24]

ooohh.... good point. diapering.

[lovelylibertine]

That's actually what I think about a lot... I'm a very loyal person, and yet I know it would be hard for me to give up that much of myself. What it comes down to, in my mind, is that at 60 he's given me so much of his time and his love, and though there is no ring around my finger, there might as well be: not only do I owe taking care of him if need be to him, I'd be honored too.

[coollady1957]

Actually I see both sides of the coin here. I agree with Annie, however, I also see DN's point.

 

Forty years is alot of age gap. However, I don't feel that love has any age boundries.

 

There will be quite a few things that you will encounter I am sure, that people in not as much of an age gap would. The point being, with age he will come to need more elderly care while you are still at a very young age.

 

You mentioned the morbid side, referring to if he dies before you. If the laws of the life cycle always went as expected , he would surely leave this world before you. On the other hand, we never know what is going to happen. If this were to be the case and he passed away, then you have to just pick up your life and move on and make the best of it.

 

My husband died at age 48 suddenly and unexpectedly of cardiac arrest. My husband was young compared to the man you are with, and yet he still left this world at a young age ,in my opinion. We never know when our day is coming to leave this world.

 

You truly seem to love each other. I would say to follow our heart and do what you feel is right for you, and not what your family , friends , or society seems to dictate is acceptable.

 

Always keep in mind though the things you may encounter, and be prepared to deal with the consequences that age will bring upon your partner.

[melrich]

Its a big age gap but if you have both properly considered all teh issues you will face then there is no reason it could not work. Regarding other people, that is going to come with the territory.

[annie24]

There is always "something" that your friends and family won't like about your S.O. For example, job, height, income, religion, weight, etc....

 

If it's not one thing, it's another....

[lovelylibertine]

Thank you, all of this has been helpful... I guess I was just hoping the general consensus wouldn't be "you're out of your mind." But still, any and all advice is encouraged.

 

As for my family... If they choose to "disown" me over this, that is their choice, right? Not my fault. Or, at least, thats what I keep telling myself.

[tyler711]

I don't see a problem with the age gap, or with the two of you. One thing to consider if you do pursue this; do you want children? They will lose their father at a very young age. How will he provide income for them? Not to mention that his uh, you know, will probably have difficulties in the next few years .

[annie24]

LOL! Viagra has solved that problem!

[coollady1957]

Yes you are right If they disown you, that is their choice. YOu are an adult and make your own choices in life.

If they do not like it, they will have to understand that you are old enough to make your own decisions in life. Hopefully they will understand and love you just the same no matter who you chose for your life partner.

[lovelylibertine]

Nope, niether of us really want children, and we understand why we shouldn't, given the circumstances

[Dako]

Live your own life. It's all you get.

[tyler711]

Well, it sounds like you have all your priorities in line. Go for it.

[NR498E]

I say do what make you happy.What is this guy's secret?I hope I'm that good when I'm sixty.

[ComputerGuy]

I say conrats for having someone that feels so strongly for you and vice versa - in my opinion go for it.

[Bambi]

*Has to type this ALL over again* Sheesh! Anyway, yes what I wanted to say! First off, congrats on finding someone you love. You're both lucky to have found eachother, especially him I think because you seem to have a very good attitude about this.

 

Now I have something I just REALLY want to say that might help you a bit if you're having any more doubts. Recently my mom just got married. Her new husband is about 20-30 years older than her. I'll be frank with you, I was sort of a brat when I heard she was going to get married (I hadn't even known they were dating. So just imagine a very angry teenage girl and you have an idea) So I asked her, "Aren't you worried he'd die before you? You'd barely have any time together! And what about everything else?!" She just kind of looked at me for a bit than said,

 

"Well, yes we have. But we love eachother, so we're going to make every minute count. All we can do is value the time we have together and we'll be fine. If we don't we're denying ourselves love just for one tiny inconvience. So which is unfair now? Me getting married and our lives getting better, or me not getting married and being unhappy?"

 

A lot of those words are good to live by in situations such as yours I think. And another thing! It covers most of your worries. Don't let a few details stop you from achieving happiness...cause that would just be plain stupid. ^^ Just live with the time you have with eachother, which is pretty much what every couple needs to do you know?

 

[Burning]

...are their problem. One thing I have learned in the school of hard knocks is that if people have a problem with something you are doing, it says a lot more about them than it does about you.

 

If you are happy, enjoy it and forget about other people.

 

Burning...out

[RandomAdvisor]

Nope, niether of us really want children, and we understand why we shouldn't, given the circumstances

 

This statement troubles me. Whether or not you want children is a decision you should make for YOURSELF, regardless of the person you are seeing. You shouldn't have to sacrifice as important a want as this to be with anyone.

 

So is not wanting to have children a decision you made on your own, or is it something you're merely saying now because it fits with this current relationship?

[lovelylibertine]

The choice not to have children is more mine then his. I love kids, and work with them a lot, but I've never really felt that maternal need. I know I'm young yet, and most people will probably tell me that those need develop, buit my issues aren't that I'm too young or overly vain, or what have you. Were I to have children, it would just be to have kids, out of whatever traditional reasons, for me, personally that isn't enough. He would have loved to have kids, but thinks that for the two of us, that option might not be the best idea. It's mutual, you see, but for different reasons.

[RandomAdvisor]

Ah. Glad you cleared that up. I suppose that puts me in with everyone else now - you're old enough to know what you want, so if this relationship makes you happy then good for you.

[Dako]

I knew I didn't want kids since I was a teenager. I got fixed in my mid-20s and don't regret it. Often people just know what they need.

[Plutopia]

It's good to know there's someone out there who's going through the same situation that I am. I'm 23 and I've been living with my boyfriend who is 64. We have been together for over two years now. He's a great guy and I guess the relationship was actually my instigation. I had, and still have, a crush on him, of course, he loves me too and we know one another well enough to justify an intimate relationship. It's been difficult for me on a social level though because one side of my family doesn't approve of my relationship with him because of the age difference, however the other side of my family has been very supportive (by not mentioning it), and inviting us to dinners and family get-togethers. I am also a college student taking a course in journalism. It's difficult to talk to some of my peers about my boyfriend sometimes. It's strange how girlfriends are generally very understanding and happy for me, but guys are not. Another problem may occur for me in that I have ambitions in life to work full time and become a writer, while my boyfriend,"Michael", who has lead a successful and adventurous life, has his sights set on retirement. We both have promised each other that we will find a way to make it work even though Michael wants me to be with him full-time. We know we both have to compromise. I will soon be graduating from my program and I can't wait to spend time with him too, but I can't cancel my dreams either. Michael is very supportive of this and I know we will work it out because we can't stand to be apart. Every relationship has it's own challenges.

[annie24]

I knew I didn't want kids since I was a teenager. I got fixed in my mid-20s and don't regret it. Often people just know what they need.

 

Is your dog also fixed?

 

LOL - well, if you know that's what you wanted, good for you!