hoping Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 well hello all...im new to this forum...but im glad i found it... just like everyone elses experience....im hurt from a very recent break up....I hope i can get some sound advice from all u verterins.... i went out with this girl for 2 yrs solid...no breaks...just 2 yrs straight....she was the first girl i ever felt so strongly for...i was her first love and she was mine, we had our arguments here and there but they never turned into anything major....she just broke up with me exactly a week ago, with the reasons "I dunno about being in love anymore" followed by "i care for you and love you soooo much, but im not sure if im in love with you" well first of all....i have no idea what that mean...to me they are the same thing....and second of all...to me the breakup happened really suddenly...im sure she probably been thinkin about it for some time but i thought everything was going really well....anyways, i had to rush to work that day so we couldn't finish the converstion, but she called me the day after to talk, and explained to me again that she dind't know if she was in love, and need time to figure some things out, and i asked her if we get back together...she said maybe, who knows what the future holds....well i definitly felt the hurt unlike anything before....i asked her if there was a guy involved...she said no...she just wants to be alone right now....but sometimes guys gut instinct is really accurate....so being the dumb * * * i was...and being irrational...i broke into her email....and found emails of her talkin about how this other guy was so sweet and how she was falling for him harder n harder.....obviously i confronted her...and she denied cheating on me (she went home for march break, which was an hour away from where we live)...but she did say his presense did have a part in questioning her relationship with me........its been a week now....i havn't spoken to her at all....no emails, no txt, no phone calls...only time was i emailed her the day after the confrontation n told her the last 2 yrs was really special to me...and blah blah...and she emailed me back saying the same thing....and said we're the bestest friends where ever we may be....oh and just to add on to it....she kept telling me when we spoke that she really wants to be friends...and she cannot imagine her life with out me....but she broke up with me.....now my questions are....in this case...does it seem like i have any chance of gettin back with her, when she didn't deny the possibility? and what do the girls think about her excuses for break up (not sure of being in love, need time..etc), waht do they mean? should i be friends with her??? how long should i wait and give her "her time and space" before i make contact? what are ur opinons regarding this other dude she spoke of in her emails?....i understand i shud give her her time...but i dun want to leave it for long enough so she forgets about me....i dunno im just hurt n confused....and its my first time being in a serious relationship and being in love....so pls pls give me some advice....sorry its a lil long Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 Welcome to ENA! First, the parting line of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is an old line that is saying "It's over but I had fun". Secondly, I think your espionage paid off and brought you the closure that you would not have gotten out of her. Honesty seems to be just another word to her. If you would of dumped her and she found out about your emails about another girl...you'd be in front of a firing squad by sunset. This other guy has triggered her "exploration" button and this means the relationship was not as solid as you thought. She has been considering other options for sometime now. Your best bet is to go NC and forget about ever getting back with her, how could you trust her again? Would she trust you if the roles were reversed? Silly question I know but you need to look at this from an outside perspective, you are too close to the deception to see the lies. Work on healing yourself, this will take time because it was a long relationship and your first. Trust me there will be more down the road for you but first you have to dust yourself off, get through "shetox" and focus on someone you can trust, you. RC Link to comment
hoping Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 what does NC mean? and i know she loved me....but i dunno...so should i just let go then? and never speak to her again? Link to comment
DN Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 No contact - it is a way of getting over someone by not being in contact as keeping in contact keeps the hope alive that the relationship will resume when the chances are it will not. It is a time of acceptance and healing preparatory to moving on to a better relationship. Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 NC, means NO CONTACT. Do not contact her by any means and DO NOT accept contact from her by any means. She may of loved you at a point in the relationship but it is clearly over now. RC Link to comment
hoping Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 and what do the girls think about her excuses for break up (not sure of being in love, need time..etc), waht do they mean? should i be friends with her??? well she said she is going to call me when she is ready or something....she put it as a "break"...so even if she called me....i shouldn't talk to her? what about friendship?? i dunno sorry guys im just kinda new to this whole love sheet...im 21 and i've always did hit n runs never long relationships...n this was my first.... Link to comment
italianstalian Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 i JUST finished going through the EXACT same thing.........what happened was she was falling out of love with me and "the other guy" just pushed her over the edge.. DO NOT have any contact with her whatsoever.. and DO NOT even try to be her friend....please listen to this advice, cuz they were all tellin me what im tellin you and i dint listen and just got hurt more and more. Link to comment
hoping Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 ye i understand what u guys r saying....just a little hard to face it....so i guess dont answer her calls? Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 Nope, do not answer, return them, message her, email her. No Skywriting, smoke signals, song dedications, nothing, nada, zilch, nit....get the point? Link to comment
hoping Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 yeh i understand....but i dunno....what if she wanted to get back?? or if she realized she made a mistake? and i also read alot of older posts from this forum....what about that theory about "distancer and persuer"? and alot of people on this forum said that i should be nice to her and let her know if she calls that it was nice taking to her..etc... Link to comment
NR498E Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 Yea dude,From my experiance girls all say the same things when they dump a guy. There all bogus.She is just trying to let you down easy.My favorite is "I need a break".To me that transalates into "i wanna go ho around for awhile, but dont go too far in case I want you back" The best thing you can do my friend is cut all ties with this girl and try and move on.Maybe someday you can be friends again.But that can only happen after all the feelings are gone.I mean if you guys are out as friends and she goes home with some cat how are you going to feel?Probably like crap.So until that day comes were you could care less stay away.Far far away. If the day comes were she wants you back or reallises she made a mistake she will find you. The best way to get a girl back is to do everything not to get them back. She can't miss you if you dont go away.Ya dig? Link to comment
avman Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 If she wants to get back with you, she'll tell you. Until that time, no trying to be friends. No "I so wish you'd talk to me" messages. Nothing. Zip. She's with someone else now or at least seriously considering it. Until she pulls her head out you give her silence. And if she actually does want to come back, you might not even want her anymore. Link to comment
hoping Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 i hear u guys man....alright ill do just that...thanks for all the info...ill definitly post more with updates and whatnot....if theres anything else anyone has to say it be greatly appreicated as well thanks guys....and ye guy instinct is as sharp as a fox Link to comment
venus777 Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 No Skywriting, smoke signals, song dedications, nothing, nada, zilch, nit. That's hilarious, but soooooo true. I know it's really hard, but you have to stop hoping... you have a naive idea of her, you had no idea what was going on, now you have to just do what is good for you, do what YOU love, what you enjoy and stop thinking bout her... We all know it's painful, pain probably brought most of us here actually... but it will get better and then you will probably start seeing the positive side about not dating her anymore... Link to comment
hoping Posted March 11, 2006 Author Share Posted March 11, 2006 whats that naive idea? maybe u can clue me in Link to comment
venus777 Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 oh, it's like my first real love... i mean i had boyfriends before him, and a long term relationship as well, but he was the first man i ever really did love and feel connected to. i believed him when he told me things, but he cheated on me and had intentions to be with other people and i didn't even know. finding the email is just the tip of the iceberg, lots of things are said/done that aren't communicated via email... i was even more naive, i broke into his account and then believed him when he told me things weren't as they appeared... i thought he loved me and just loved me, i thought we'd have a family some day... i think principally because i personally didn't want to be with someone else, i thought he'd feel the same way as me.... nope, wrong... there was a part of him he wasn't sharing with me, just as she is not sharing part of herself with you and you had no clue about it... not your fault, but you were blind to it. happens to us all. Link to comment
hoping Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 well i've spoken to her best friends...and her bestest friend who happens to be my friend as well....and they all told me the same thing...she didn't do anything behind my back and wants nothing with this other dude....should i believe them? i mean they are actually my friends as well but u think they lie to me to protect her? Link to comment
avman Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 You're still broken up. The plan is still the same. No contact. Let her come to you if it is meant to be. Link to comment
NR498E Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Don't believe those other girls. Link to comment
hoping Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 well....im smashed right now....i just wnet out with soem friends....but nothing i did helped me forget her....i was speakin to 1 of my best friends that is a girl...and she told me if i truly feel the way for my ex...i should not give up and when she calls...try to get her back....and she said i should just try....her reasoning being....dont let her walk over ya...but if u do feel for the chick still....definitly try to get her back cuz u got nothin to lose...and if u try...at least u know if u can get her back or not.....im really catering towards that idea....i miss my ex gf so much....im smashed n im holding myself from calling her right now..(3:30am).....well what do u guys think? should i take a stab at it when she calls (whenever that is)? Link to comment
DRB Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Ah the drunken emails, I'm just glad you wrote in here and not to her.....you didn't write to her did you?. Like everyone is saying, let it go for now. There is NOTHING you can do to bring her back, the only thing you can do right now is push her away. SO as they all say, No Contact brother. The advice you are getting is from a TON of people who have been through this so listen to us. Be strong now and you will reap the benefits later. Just let your emotions settle down and you will thank yourself later. Its hard to hear but if you want what helps this place is it. Link to comment
hoping Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 well ye i was real smashed last night....im glad i posted here instead of callin her....i definitly had the urges too tho....well DBR i've been reading ur posts n such...and im the same way as you, i believe in making things happen, and not ride on fate to take me the entire way...obviously if its meant to be its meant to be...but sometimes it takes the braver person to try to reconnect to make something happen....well at least so if there IS any chance i dont just let it pass by....u get what im feelin? at the same time i totally understand the NC rule u guys are stressin...so where is the balance between the two? and it has been a solid week of NC...and i have done alot of thinking....and ive realized that I am at fault for the couple of month before the breakup....i was heavily involved in playin poker...i was playing it professionally...that means 8-9 hrs a day...plus i go to school...and plus an actual job...and when i do have free time...i went out drinking with my friends....in another word...i took her for granted for a while...and i have admited to myself that i did.....so....knowing that a partial reason for change of heart was becuz of my neglect....maybe if i make some effort it would work...i've quite poker completely.....i dunno see what u guys think... Link to comment
DRB Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I just think right now that you need to let it go. Look after yourself, you have already realised some mistakes so concentrate on yourself and getting yourself all right. Be the best man you can be so when you are ready (and don't kid yourself) you can try calling her but not with "can we get back together" or anything like that. Just be cool. Right now you can't change what she is feeling, no matter how much you beg that you will change. It doesn't matter to her, she has lost the feeling and there is nothing you can do. Don't try and think about it logically because it won't work. Don't try to think about attraction in a logic sense, love doesn't work in logic. Emotion and logic are two completely different things. Let her go for a few months, you can't change her so let her do it herself. I've said everything else in my other threads that you have read. Don't fight it just go with it Adpat and Overcome Link to comment
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