How much DO looks have to do with it?

[Kevin T]

Yeah well, not all guys are like that. And it's a stereotype that doesn't need reinforcement, in my opinion.

[RayKay]

Thanks, again, RayKay. You really are such a wonderful person who's helped me a lot in the past few months. No wonder your boyfriend thinks you are so great!

 

I have started therapy through school. It is helping a little so far, and he think we're starting to make some progress with it. I'm trying so hard to work out my problems... i have some good days and some bad days (very bad). Things are getting better a little bit at a time.

 

You are welcome sweetie

 

He's pretty great too, I can't take all the credit

 

I am very glad to hear you are in therapy - give it time. It's a process, rather then an instant miracle. You spent many years building up these insecurities/thoughts and they can't be worked through and healed in a matter of hours. So stick with it!

[sweetheart230]

Anyway, I definitely think it's safe to say that looks are very important initially. It plays a huge role in attraction when you first meet someone (probably a much larger role than we would like)

 

I think my big issue is not whether or not I can establish a good relationship with someone once i get to know them, i just have this crippling fear that most guys will never feel initial attraction to me. The fact that they play an important role initially is what makes me so obsessed about them because I'm terrified no one will want to go out with me at first b/c I'm not pretty enough. It's a fear that's literally taken over my entire life.

 

I know they don't keep people together. My problem is that they BRING people together in the first place and I'm scared I'm going to miss out on that.

[OceanEyes]

I guess my major issue is that most people will not be attracted to me and I'll get passed over for girls who are like 10's and have a good personality also. But I guess the fact that I worry about it so much probably makes me a lot less likable.

 

This would definitely be a reason. I obviously don't know you at all, but I can say that it seems like you don't view yourself as being worth all that much ... practically ANYONE can do their makeup properly and wear beautiful clothes and be attractive to guys - you know that. It really doesn't take much (sorry guys - but it really DOESN'T!). If you don't believe me, think of Sarah Jessica Parker. I love her to pieces, loved Sex and the City, and think that she has a terrific figure and sense of style - but that woman is scary as hell from some angles. Would men still gawk? Of course! They don't discriminate as much as we do when it comes to finding a sexual partner (not ALL men, but 100% of the men I KNOW).

 

If you're always going to judge how attractive, appealing, and desirable you are by how much attention you get from sleazy guys, then I really feel for you. Guys like that probably look at EVERY woman that way. Approve of yourself first and you won't care as much about what they think.

[NJRon]

All I can say concerning your issue is if you go out and get 3 phone numbers, you are definitely not having problems attracting men.

[Kevin T]

I think my big issue is not whether or not I can establish a good relationship with someone once i get to know them, i just have this crippling fear that most guys will never feel initial attraction to me. The fact that they play an important role initially is what makes me so obsessed about them because I'm terrified no one will want to go out with me at first b/c I'm not pretty enough. It's a fear that's literally taken over my entire life.

 

I know they don't keep people together. My problem is that they BRING people together in the first place and I'm scared I'm going to miss out on that.

 

Let me tell you, I can relate.

 

That was me; until very recently. But I came to realize that if you don't think you're good looking or worth the time of day of the cute girl (or guy in your situation), then they won't either. You need to believe in yourself.

 

Start every day with an affirmation: Say to yourself aloud that you are attractive, beautiful and deserve a handsome boyfriend who will love you for you, just as you are.

 

If you do that for a month, I guarantee your attitude will change and guys will begin noticing you more.

 

Seriously, your fear will keep you from getting what you want. Fear hinders. Simple as that. If you can overcome this crippling fear, you'll have so much more self-confidence and self-esteem... and I can't stress this enough; if 3 guys gave you their number, you're NOT ugly!!! lol

[Kevin T]

Actually, I should reiterate a bit. Guys are noticing you NOW, but if you do this, then YOU will start noticing more guys checking you out. (It's all about our perception of ourselves.)

[sweetheart230]

If you don't believe me, think of Sarah Jessica Parker. I love her to pieces, loved Sex and the City, and think that she has a terrific figure and sense of style - but that woman is scary as hell from some angles.

 

That's the funniest thing I've ever seen! But true also.

 

Thanks, guys, for all the responses, I really appreciate it! Just an update, this morning I actually flirted with someone for the hell of it for the first time in like 2 months. And it felt really good... he was really responsive and trying to be funny and everything. The thing is, I didn't even care if he liked me by the end of the class, I just wanted to keep flirting with everyone for no reason other than it was fun. Like I didn't want a date or a boyfriend, I just wanted to have fun. This probably seems very stupid to some people, but i'm proud of myself for taking baby steps.

[NJRon]

No, it sounds great. It took me a long time to get comfortable with flirting but, really, there's nothing wrong with it and it's fun.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think looks have to do with the attraction aspect but everybody has their own idea of what looks good to them or not. But, I do think that besides looks, confidence and poise also play a big role in relationships and if you are attractive to someone else.