Hmm

[Luv]

Okay hello, i'm new!

 

Now here's my story and am looking for some 'thoughts' on this.

There is this guy that I became friends with threw my bestfriend's church a few years ago...When i would go visit her church we'd hang out and talk, but mostly talked on the phone/internet....Then we lost contact for a littl while, and last year (summer of '05) we got back 'in contact'.[i'm not sure why we stopped talking, he kinda just disappeared]

 

Well, we got back in contact during Summer and had the usual conversations about random crap, but we talked (for some reason) about sex and sexuality alot more . For example, he has a girlfriend and he'd constantly tease/joke about their 'sex life'. I know it's usual for guys [even girls] to joke about their sex life to friends, but he would bring it up everytime we talked online/on phone. It was like he was trying to get a response of some sort... Then that stopped and we started talking about the 'old church crew'.

I brought up how one guy stopped going because was having some problems and told him i heard he was gay. [but wasnt sure]. Then this church friend said 'Really? i saw him at the mall yesterday with some guys; But I didn't get the feeling he was'... Then in another conversation we started talking about dating and he was so 'defensive' about male/male dating . So, i'd tease him about it, just to get him more antsy..Maybe i shouldn't have but it was kinda fun. He also kept bringing up stories dealing with gay guys, like about his 'trip' to a gay bar?

So while talking since summer, We kept talking about 'meeting up' again but it never happened, It was like he wanted it to but we never did....I dont know why.

 

After much talking, in January i 'came out' to him.. I told him i was gay, and his response, 'Yeah, I kinda knew'. I asked him how and i asked if it had anything to do with my teasing [making him antsy] and he said something along the lines of, 'Not Really, i knew before then'. Then he followed it up with 'I'm going to tell you something and you can not tell anyone else - I'm attracted to guys too'. When he said that, I was kinda surprised/confused. So, we started talking about the whole gay thing in general, and it was pretty nice to have someone who knows what i've been having dealing with also..But he seemed upset because he still is dating the same girl for awhile and she has no idea. So, i just told him that he should talk with her, and he agreed. (i dont know if he did)

 

Moving on...After this conversation and my 'coming out' and him seemingly undertstanding; In our next conversation [which was phone] he started teasing me about it, and he claimed he never said anything about him being attracted to other guys [but he infact did, i remember hearing it with my ears]....I just don't get the total 180...I was thinking maybe he was fishing for information on my part, but why would he tell me he was attracted to other guys AFTER i told him? I'm kinda confused...any ideas?

[Jinx]

In our next conversation [which was phone] he started teasing me about it, and he claimed he never said anything about him being attracted to other guys [but he infact did, i remember hearing it with my ears]....I just don't get the total 180...I was thinking maybe he was fishing for information on my part, but why would he tell me he was attracted to other guys AFTER i told him?

 

Well, first I'd analyze this teasing he is up to and what exactly it pertains to. Teasing is such a vague term, it can be joking positive, joking negative, positive or negative plain. If he is bothering you with it, if it is of a negative sort nip it in the bud. Period.

 

Secondly, he may simply be in denial it is extremely hard to say anything concrete. Is there anything he told you along with the "I'm attracted to guys" statement that you could use for supporting details? Admitting you like the same sex is not something you do and forget, in our society that is extremely taboo to start with. By the sounds he didn't say it in such a manner he was laughing his head off the whole time either like it was a joke. I could be wrong, correct me if I am.

 

Most of us here have at one time or another experienced denial. It can be mild or severe, this maybe his method of coping with something he is just not yet ready to deal with. It may very well be he wanted to talk to his girlfriend, lost his nerve, thought he was overanalyzing and it was just nonsense and decided to repress himself and instead of admitting he knows exactly what he said and intentions of that he is taking out his personal frustration on you by teasing.

 

This is one reason it needs nipped in the bud, you're not a column for a front porch so don't act like one when he is going through whatever exactly this sudden phase is. There are people who aggrivate, stress, bother others in general just because they can't be as free and open so they find a target and just go at it over and over again until something breaks. In my years I've met people like this that were envious of one aspect or another and instead of dealing with it like mature adults they'd start a hosh posh of trouble for me and what can I do but shake my head and call their attempts childish because people know better. Anyhow coming back to the point, if he wants to come out but decides it better to surpress for the time being this maybe his way of coping with the envy factor that you're comfortable with yourself, confident and ready to come out where as he is weighed down with a girlfriend and who knows what else and will not go with what in the end is usually considered the healthy alternative.

 

It could very well be that he was fishing for information, but truly, what straight guy is going to care about a gay man's personal affairs in life? That is what I question. Most certainly, straight women I know aren't going to say they like women for the sake of getting information out of me, and information that they could in the end care a whole lot less about anyways.

 

Overall to me it sounds like he can't deal with himself, so you're the crutch in a way. He isn't ready and decided denial that he ever said anything trying to mislead you for "Misunderstanding". If he is indeed floating around the land of closets and not ready to step out into the world outside, then so be it. It varies person to person about coming out; if ever. You can support him in a mature manner but don't let him get away with stooping to the level of harassment or even what may seem like harmless teasing. Its like the water drop and the river saying (don't know the exact words off hand), in general, everything starts small and it grows unless dealt with.

[The Hanged Man]

I have experienced this kind of behaviour before and it is evident that he is not comfortable with his s/s (same sex) attraction. He obviously regrets mentioning his s/s attraction and is trying to deny it or make it look like he was joking or whatever, possibly as he is a part of the church scene and may not want anyone there to find out. When I first ever came out to a friend I immediately wished I hadn't said anything even though she was totally cool about it, I guess it's a normal fear kind of reaction.

The best thing you can do is assure him that you are there if he needs you and after time he'll probably confirm his s/s attraction.