would you be concerned?

[anabanana]

my husband has admitted that he has crushes on several people at work- around 10 people, i guess. they are all women he not only thinks are physically attractive and sexy, but are cool people as well. he has admitted that when thinking of other people while masturbatng, he premoninantly thinks of these women (some are teenagers, but that's a whole other issue). he has fantasized about having sex with them and has had crushes on some of them for a long time.

 

he insists this is all insignificant and he would never act on these attractions. he doesn't think i should feel threatened by it. i should also tell you he has lied about this and tried to cover up these crushes for the last 7 weeks because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" and make it seem like a bigger deal than it was.

 

i think it is very troubling that he exclusively fantasizes about women he is in close proximity to every single day. he insists it is purely physical, but i on't think so since he actually likes these women as people as well....

 

also, the fact that he has these "crushes" on so many people makes me feel threatened and like he is seeking something outside our relationship. on top of that, by lying about things he has shown himself to be very non-trustworthy.

 

what do you think?

[PocoDiablo]

Sounds like he's horny... not to pry into your sex life, but what's it like? Is it lacking? Maybe you should pick him up a nice book on lovemaking that will teach him some new tricks to use with you.

 

Otherwise, he sounds like a normal guy to me, albeit a little immature. Most men I know look at all women and think about them like that. That's why magazines like Playboy etc., are such good sellers. Men are sexual creatures, what can you say? If not for sex, none of us would be here today ... So long as he is not cheating on you, and you are sure of it ... what is there to worry about other than him not paying you enough attention? Bonk him on the head for that!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ana - I don't think this is cause for alarm, honestly. Like Poco said, men do that about ALL women that they see. You should tell your husband that you appreciate his honesty. Its prolly hard to tell his wife that he fantasizes about other women.

 

And again like Poco said, if he's not cheating on you, I think you're ok. You can let him know that you are a bit uncomfortable with THAT much honesty tho.

 

I suggest you keep the lines somewhat open tho so that he does feel comfortable telling you the truth.

 

Maybe just re-read Poco's good advice because he's right. Maybe you should tell your husband you need to pay more attention to each other for awhile.

 

But I don't think that the fact that he thinks about sex with other people (even younger people) makes him a bad guy, just a normal one.

[coollady1957]

Anabanana, I have gone back and read ALL your threads and posts here about this subject. It seems to be ongoing for quite sometime now. I can certainly understand how you must feel. From what you have said there have been lies that he has told. Alot of covering up what he is thinking about , and masturbating to fantasizing about theses younger women that he is around at work. Personally I would be very concerned. You mentioned that you had gone to some counseling and thought it was all getting better. However you now say things are kind of back where they were at the beginning. Seems as though additional counseling is in order if you and he both want to save your marriage from trouble. I can say that I would have a very hard time trusting this man.

[ElektraHere]

Ana,

 

I too went back and read your past posts an I agree with coollady this is very troubling. If he has this facination with co-workers and teen girls will it stop at that or will it progress into something more?

I would definitely go back to the counseling because obviously there are issues between you and your husband.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Sorry - perhaps I should've done more research. Not having all the info can be harmful in this case.

 

I too agree that maybe you should consider dealing with this more seriously.

[anabanana]

thanks for everyone's input.

 

to answer some questions: our sex life is actually very good. we have sex about 4-5 times a week, and we've been living together for 3 years. and he says these fantasies only come up about once a month...

and you know, it's not the fantasy part that bothers me, it's that he lied so much about it.

 

and the fact that these fantasies seem to be exlcusively dedicated to co-workers and students is also disturbing. if there were tv people or random people he saw on the train or whatever, it wouldn't be as bad, but it's mostly people he works with and likes. so it seems like he is focusing in on them sexually, which make me uncomfortable.

 

and it's so funny now because he was lying about it for so long, and is now trying to convince me i have nothing to worry about... and i'm like, "don't you see the paradox there? you just spent weeks lying to me and completely destroying my trust, and now you are asking me to trust this is all insignificant?" i mean, asking me to trust anything he says is a real stretch.

 

and since he has told me, he has become so much less attractive for me... i have lost so much respect for him... i agreed to work on our marriage and my only condition was that he be completely honest with me... and what does he do? he spends the next 2 weeks lying to my face every day. i almost think he is a compulsive liar and am wondering what sorts of things he may have lied about in the past.

 

and i would be curious to hear from men out there- is it unusual to exclusively fantasize about co-workers and other people you see at work? shouldn't it be a broader category?

[ElektraHere]

Has he ever been diagnosed as a sexual addict? When you went to counseling what did the counselor tell you about all this?

 

I still find it troubling that he imagines about co-workers and the students while masturbating. What does your gut instinct really say to you??