Fear of being hurt again

[eleanorrigby1]

I have been thinking a lot about my past relationship and how hurt I was. However, I spent two years alone, I had to concentrate on my education my career and moving into my own place. I also wanted to be sure that the next time I met someone and trusted them it was for the right reasons and not just to have someone.

 

I was totally convinced I had been in love with my ex because it hurt so much when he dumped me, but having fallen totally inlove with my new fella I now realise that it was infatuation and that I was basically mourning the loss of my pride and feeling the pain of rejection.

 

I wrote this poem and I thought I would share it because a lot of people on here seem to have been through painful breakups where they fear they may never love again or be brave enough to.

 

I feel terrified regularly about trusting someone, about loving someone, but I know that I can either be brave or be alone.

 

I wasn't happy when I was with him,

neither happy before, or immediately after

When I loved him it wasn't him, it was the person he said he was

The person I wanted him to be, the feeling I wanted to feel

It wasn't me that he met, or pretended to love

She was the one who held me prisoner, the one who cried each night and yet continued to let him use her

She thought that she was protecting me inside of her perfect shell

But in doing so she began to reject me

And hide me,

Suffocating me until I was lost

 

Lost in who I thought he was and who he wanted me to be

Until no one wanted anyone

He no longer wanted me and I wasn't sure who I saw or wanted when I looked at him

or in the mirror..

yet it felt like dying to say goodbye

And it felt like a funeral in the days that followed

and I grieved

for the loss of something that never existed

 

The rejection tattooed into me, burned into my flesh

Reaching inside, wrapping itself around my lungs and my heart

Until I couldn't breathe

Until I couldn't feel.

Yet in the numbness came me

Amidst the chaos and confusion I rode in on my white horse

And I picked up the remains of her and I threw them out

I didn't need protecting from me

I just needed to BE me

 

In the clarity

came someone else

and then came feeling,

Breathing,

then Loving,

And with the loving came fear

but in the fear came understanding

and I understand my fear, yet continue to love..

[Miss M]

Beautiful... insightful... clear...

 

Thanks so much for sharing that.

[danylion]

I second that, beautiful. I can totally relate to the fear and how it dominates but your interpretation through the poem has made it a positive thing that you are learning from and that's brave....lessons in love eh!

 

Thanks for posting it.