No Privacy

[BattlestarMarathon]

Hello all, thank you for any forthcoming responses.

 

My girlfriend and I are both in college attending the same school. We are in different dorm communities.

 

The problem we are having is that of the random presense of her roommate.

 

First some info on our rooms: The style of both of our rooms is that there is a living room, then 3 bedrooms off of it. Each bedroom can hold 2 people. Her room is newer and has an automatic lock system, requiring a hotel like key card to open. My door has a mechanical, push button lock, requiring a conscious effort to lock the door, and thus bring suspicion when locked, since hers is automatic and does not require an effort to engage.

 

thereforeeee, we usually stay in her nicer, larger, room with the automatic lock.

 

The only person who has access to the room besides my girlfriend is her roommate. My girlfriend and I appreciate privacy, for reasons such as studying, napping, or anything else. The problem is that her roommate has such a random scheduale, that we never know when she is coming back. For example, tonight we had the room to ourselves for 4 hours. We could not do anything of a private nature due to her randomly appearing. We just did not know where she was. She could come back at any moment. We can never truly relax. This results in our keeping our hopes suppressed for fear of disappointing ourselves with the illusion that we have the room too ourselves. It is very stressful.

 

My girlfriend has made attempts to ascertain when here roommate will be back during the day. However, she is almost always met with a constant "I don't know..." It is maddening. What is most appalling, is that her roommate had the gaul of telling my girlfriend that I, and thereforeeee we as we are usually together throughout the day, are in the room too much. She told her that she wants the room to herself for certain points during the week. Her roommate is gone from the room 90% of the week, usually sleeping in other peoples rooms. thereforeeee we were told to adjust our sched. completely for that 10% of the time she is in the room, usually for just an hour. However, she cannot tell us when she will be back so we can work out a sched. that will give all of us privacy.

 

To sum it up, my girlfriends roommate refuses to tell us when she will be back during the day, ever. There is no pattern to her behavior during the day. Some times she will be in the room all day, others she will vanish for 2 weeks straight. We can have 4 hours alone, but not be able to use it, since she could arrive at any moment. We do not feel comfortable doing anything with the risk or her walking in. However, she wants us out of the room for hours at a time, so she can have privacy. Double standard out the wazoo. My girlfriend does not want to confront her head on, as she still has to live with her for another 2 months, and is afraid her life would be hell if they fought. We do not know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[orgasmictofu]

Her roommate, as well as your own, need to be talked to. It's obvious you and your girlfriend are a couple, and need time to yourselves. If the roommate's can't figure that out, I think you need to be a little more blunt, as in having a sign like a sock on the doorknob. Or settle on times with her roommate (and yours!) when they can't come in becuase it's quality time for the SO.

 

That being said, the roommate's lives shouldn't be disrupted either since they live there too. You all need to reach a compromise. If you're asking for private time, make darn sure you can give that back to the roommates.

[BattlestarMarathon]

Such suggestions I have given to my girlfriend. Attempts have been made to reach such compromises. My girlfriend will offer her a whole day, and then ask for another for herself. Her roommate, while having nothing occurring on the day asked for, will accept the free time and then not conceed on giving up some time. Essentially she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She tends to look at my girlfriend as someone who just happens to live there, rather than a roommate. She wants the ability to tell my girlfriend when she wants the room, as well as the freedom to show up whenever she wants. She will argue that we did have alone time, as is the case today with the 4 hours. However, it is useless if we do not know when she is coming back. She doesn't understand this, or just doesn't care. My girlfriend is afraid to start a confrontation with her roommate, even a civil one. Her roommate is the kind of person who is nice to your face, but is in reality looking for a fight. She will go behind my girlfriends back and lable her a tramp for wanting the room to herself for some alone time between us. My girlfriend just doesn't want to start a fight, and has tried talking to her civily. We do not know that to do.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Battlestar - I think I know what you're talking about and the kind of person you're dealing with. My advice to your girlfriend is...Assert yourself.

 

Your girlfriend is going to HAVE to make a stand or you will have to for her. If her roommate is a backstabber, then your girlfriend should have no cuams about being assertive, even if it will cause waves. If her roommate has no respect for her, she shouldn't worry too much about trying to respect her roommate, that's not fair. This is a good life lesson anyway and a good time to take advantage of learning it.

 

Your gf, or the two of you, need to make a schedule and give it to her roommate. These are the days or hours or whatever when she will get privacy and these are the times when you will have privacy. There are no two ways about it. Give her the schedule and tell her you will appreciate her cooperation.

 

Allow her to make ammendments if there are actual conflicts, ie, she has class the time you have her scheduled for private time in the room, but a fair, equal time share is hard to argue with. And an assertive presentation of the schedule is needed. Just matter of factly.

 

No one needs to get snotty or condescending, if roommate gets that way, that's her issue.

 

If your gf has a hard time with initiating face-to-face confrontation, maybe she could leave a note with a drawn up schedule. Just write something like.... "since we've been having so much trouble getting equal private time in the room we share, I've come up with this schedule. I would appreciate it if you adhere to it and you can expect me to as well. If you have any changes you'd like to make, let me know. Thanks"

 

How's that sound?

[BattlestarMarathon]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I like the idea of finally asserting ourselves against the roommate, in any form. I will talk to my girlfriend about it. She gets a little worried about the prospect of having to be assertive with someone who could very well spread bad rumours, or just make things generally nasty for her. I will tell her to not get angry, but to remain patient, and calm. We shall draw up a sched. soon and try this. However, she says while she wants private time, it is not worth it to her to start world war 3 over. I can't say anything because I do not live there. But I will attempt to help her through all this. Hopefully reason and calmness will prevail.

 

My only real fear is that the roommate will take the sched., make her adjustments to it, and then not follow it. We gave her the room for several days after she had her conversation with my girlfriend. We popped in a couple of times and found she had not been there all day. Looks like she just wanted it, just in case. Either way we shall try negotiating. Thanks for the advice.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yeh - good luck dude. And if nothing else, you said ya'll only have to put up with this for a couple more months?? Drop in the bucket compared to what you've been dealing with, right?

[BattlestarMarathon]

Your right, it does put things in prespective. Thanks for the help.

[Meow18]

The problem is that they do share the room. Roomates should be considerate to each other and work out schedules when they want privacy. But unfortunantly, it sounds like your girlfriends roomate just isn't feeling considerate, and the sad truth is that it is her room too, so what can you do?

 

Would it be possible to do your more "interesting" activities in your room? Can you work something out with your roomate? That's the only other option I see. But like another poster said, you only have to deal with this a couple more months.

[BattlestarMarathon]

True it is the roommates room as well, but my girlfriend still has rights since she lives there too. We will do what we can. My room is somewhat awkward. It is in an older building, with a similar style room, but smaller. The problem is that it is right off of the living room. So even if I could get my roommate to give us the room for a period of time, anyone in the living room could hear the quietest sound. Also the door doesn't lock automatically, so if someone tried to come in, there is instant supescion and knocking. I am not one to announce when we are alone together to all of my roommates so that they will leave us alone. Her room however has a door that locks automatically, so there is not suspicion as to why the door won't open. It is all so confusing isn't it? Thanks for your advice.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Welcome to roommate life! For one, get over the door locks, if you really are serious about alone time that's one of the weakest reasons for not using a room, at least it has a lock! As for noise, load music covers most moaning. I think its rude that you are always using her room, anyway. Why should her roommate always be inconvienced, why not your's as well. It is her right to live there and she doesn't need to justify the use of her own room. Putting this all on your GF is wrong, you should have to make your own assertions with your roommate, too. I think the leave a sign that means "knock and wait" idea is best for those unkown times. If you do work up a time share system make sure you leave spaces where its usable by both.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree. You and your roommates could work out the same code for when you're in your room. And I do agree that you should share some of the alone time burden.

[BattlestarMarathon]

Welcome to roommate life! For one, get over the door locks, if you really are serious about alone time that's one of the weakest reasons for not using a room, at least it has a lock! As for noise, load music covers most moaning. I think its rude that you are always using her room, anyway. Why should her roommate always be inconvienced, why not your's as well. It is her right to live there and she doesn't need to justify the use of her own room. Putting this all on your GF is wrong, you should have to make your own assertions with your roommate, too. I think the leave a sign that means "knock and wait" idea is best for those unkown times. If you do work up a time share system make sure you leave spaces where its usable by both.

 

Did you read my post? We are not the kind of people who hang up signs, or blast music to cover up what we are doing. We do not want to announce it to the whole building. Her roommate does have the right to be in her room whenever she wants. But is it proper? Polite? Morally just? No. She has vanished now for 2 full days, making a stop in the room for a total of 20 minutes. So she now has the right to tell my girlfriend to get out because she wants the room for those 20 minutes?! As for my room, we do not feel comfortable doing anything in it. Her room is down a hallway, away from the living room, with a thick door and walls to keep in the sound. My room is right off of the living room, with a thin door to keep the sound in. Locking the door will result in my roommates pounding on it relentlessly to get in, thinking I am asleep or something. There really is no reason to lock the door, unless something is going on. The harrasment would embarrass us greatly.

 

I just love most people take the side of someone who vanishes for several days without even saying goodbye, and then shows up and throws us out so she can have quiet time for an hour. All we are asking is that she let us know when she is vanishing, so we can take advantage of it. Is that really that hard? I am not putting this all on my girlfriend. It is a simple fact that she and I prefer her room due to the fact that it is nicer, and also that her other roommates are gone longer. For me, someone is almost always in the living watching tv, ready to walk in on a moments notice. This is all maddening.

[Meow18]

Well the point is, your girlfriends roomate is obviously not going to change, so what can you do?

 

Yes, she's inconsiderate, but at the same time, why should she give up the place she basically lives in? That's her room too. She has every right to walk or leave in whenever she pleases. I mean, your girlfriend is not her mother, she doesn't need to be reported to with her roomate's daily schedule.

 

I think it's kind of selfish to expect your girlfriend's roomate to give up the room just so you can make out, or do other private things.

 

But at the same time I agree with you. I think it's only the considerate thing to do when you have a roomate. You should let them know when you won't be around for awhile. You should let them have their privacy when needed. But again, you can't control her actions. What can you do? All your girlfriend can do is talk to her roomate.

 

I know what you mean. I would be embarrassed knowing that my friends knew what me and my boyfriend were doing in the room. But if that's the only way to get the privacy you really want, then that's what you have to do.

 

Unfortunantly, you really only have a few options here. Have your girlfriend try talking to her roomie again. Or keep doing things the way they are. Or try to find other places besides her room.

 

There's just no way to control her roomate's actions. Hopefully next year your rooms will work out better for the both of you.

 

So basically, what I'm saying is that I think your girlfriends roomate is inconsiderate. But at the same time I think she has a right to walk in whenever she pleases.

[CarnelianButterfly]

It doesn't have to be a huge sign with neon colors! Tie a string on the doorknob or a small post it note descetely placed. By the way, when a guy and a girl go to a room alone its not difficult to figure out what they're doing, they're roommates not braindead, they know.

 

I'm not taking any sides in this, I'm showing that there are 2 perspectives to all problems. Consider your example, she was gone for 2 days, then wants an hour of time in her room out of that 2 days time. Small by comparison to your demands.

 

You may even consider just cooling your heels and waiting till one of you has your own place.

 

I lived in a house with paper thin walls, I shared a wall with my Casanova roomie, my bed was right next to that wall and his was 6in away on the other side. He and his girls were always quiet, I never heard them, but then he played light jazz just loud enough that it was mood music and a good cover.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Morally just?

How does morality fit into this?

[flutegirl23]

How does morality fit into this?

 

I agree. Of course it's morally just that you share HER room with her. It's not yours to say she can't be in.

 

But, I understand exactly how you are feeling. I'm at a different university then my boyfriend but when he comes to visit me we are faced with the roommate problem. Consider yourself LUCKY! You at least have a secluded room it seems like you can go in. We have one room, 2 beds. No living room, bathroom or anything. Luckily my roommate and I are close and she understands that my bf and I need time, but we need to respect that it's her room too. If you guys really need that much time, then I suggest you cool things down until you have some privacy. I see my bf about once a month and I don't expect my roommate to give up her room for me when he comes up for a weekend.

[Ians Mommy]

Lock yourselves in the bathroom lol.