should i give up on her?

[munchkin]

Met girl online, chatted most nights for 4-5 hours, met after a week, went really well chatted for about 5 hours, contiuned to chat online and txt during the day met again the following week she had her kids with her this time went well she kissed me goodbye, met again the following week with some of her friends, she stayed at mine, we slept together.Tried to meet up wi her that weekend, she said she was busy, went into stupid mode asked her how she felt about us, as felt like she had backed off after sleeping together (dont believe she was jus out for the sex!) she say she likes me but thinks I want sumthing more than she can give me, can we be friends for now, no expectations, if something eventually happens then all to the good. I send a few more txts thaT i prob shudnt have saying stuff like if things were different wud we be together etc.. Which she did respond to.

 

Thought I had messed up as she has bigtime backed off. She had said previously that she wanted to take things slowly, I realise I messed up by having sex with her. Not sure if i should bring that up or jus leave it now (not even sure if tht was reason for her to back off)?

 

Anyways since then she never seems to be online to chat to, she never txts me, if I txt her she does reply, I know she is busy as she has 2 kids and has started an open uni course so I know this takes up a lot of her time, and I know she is not online alot as I can see when she logs into the website we met on. Also made silly mistake of telling her I was meeting sum1 else off website only as friends (website is for friends as well as relationships), she said have a gr8 time. Next day I told her me and the person I met where jus friends. How do I rectify that one?

 

We met last weekend after not seeing each other for a fortnight as everytime I txt her to ask to meet she say she busy, as it was my bday and it had been preplanned for her to come with me and some friends. Had a good night seemed to get on ok, felt like the friendship was there.

 

She is going through a tough time at the moment with her ex (who has some mental issues such as self harming and has issues with my friend spending time with her ex husband as friends he also has spends time with the kids), also 2 yrs ago she lost a partner to car crash and she never really had the opportunity to properly greive as she went into a relationship with the self harmer almost straight away, and the self harmer was making it hard. So now she has got the opportunity to revisit this greiving process for her partner that died.

 

So I am trying to be there for her, last sat before we went out she said she was jus driving round and crying coz that was how she dealt with stuff, I said she shudda come to mine and talked about it, and that it was ok for her to talk to me about it, or she cud jus come over n cry if that was all she wanted to do and I tried to comfort her. I mentioned it again in the car when she dropped me home after the night out and she said she mite jus take me up in the offer! Should I jus leave it now for her to come to me?

 

So I realise she is not in the right place right now for a relationship, she has other issues she needs to deal with before she can go into another one and I accept that. I asked her if i could take her and the kids out next weekend, or visit one evenin if it was easier for her, and she said Im sorry but we busy for next few weekends and most evenings, and wen I'm free I am studying for open uni course. Is this a put off or shud I take it at face value?

 

I am I silly to stick around in the hopes something might happen once she is in a better place?

Is she truly busy or putting me off?

How do you be friends with someone you want more with?

How do I get to spend time with her without coming accross as needy or pushy?

Is there more I could do to show her I m there for her and to help her out?

Was thinking I could offer to go over one evening when she studying and cook dinner for them all, and get the kids to help me so she had some time to study, is this a good plan?

How do I with feeling like if she wanted to spend time with me she would make time, but I also realise I am prob way down on her list of priorites and thoughts at the moment so not sure how to think?

How do I get her to start including me in stuff she is doing, if I am planning a night out I would ask her if she fancied it?

[ElektraHere]

Munchkin

 

I feel your pain. It's hard when you really open your feelings to someone and they don't return them. It hurts like hell believe me I am dealing with that issue right now.

 

This gal seems like she has ALOT of baggage that she needs to sort through and she is not in the right mindframe or place to have a successful relationship. You cannot make or convince her to include you in her life. You can however say that if she ever needed to talk or vent and you were open to that then she could call anytime.

 

I would stop the phone calls and the texts because how does it make you feel when you are always sent to vmail or you dont know if she read the text or not? I bet you feel pretty crappy. I know I do when I have tried communicating with someone who was not responsive to it.

 

As for right now I would focus on things in your own life and give up the hope right now of having anything more than a friendship with her. I also think that if you have feelings more than friendship you might have to NC for awhile. Get those feelings in check and if you two had this connection (friendly or loving) it will be there in the future.

 

Move on my friend.

[munchkin]

Thanks

 

I do want to be friends with her and I have said that I m here for her. You think the friendship is still there?

 

I guess I am wanting more from a friendship with her than with other friends, coz I like spending time with her.

 

Sent her a message the other day saying no worries bout meeting up and jus to let me know when she was next free and wanted to meet, how long should I wait til I ask her about meeting again, or shud I jus wait n hope?

 

Put other stuff in the message as well, asking her about stuff and starting disscussions, I dont expect a quick response as if she is busy she might not have time to respond at mo. Again how long should I wait til I make further contact?

[ElektraHere]

Munchkin,

 

I think you want more from her than with your other friends because you have more feelings for her then she you. I know I have said the same about my friend Robert. I want to be his friend and he wants to be my friend however I am expecting more from him which isnt fair to wither one of us. I digress, anyway back to your problem I would stop the texting, the calling, the trying to make plans. She is obviously not interested and is trying to give you the easy way out. Take it my friend and move on from this and assume for right now that she is gone and not coming back.

[Iceman26]

Leave her alone, and let her contact you. You have made the effort.

 

She's either very busy, or is an online player.

 

On a personal note, I wouldn't bother with her. She is busy with school, work, and she has kids, and problems with her ex. I am certain you can find someone who doesn't have as many issues as she has.

[munchkin]

I dont believe she is a player, so I guess I just have to take what she has been telling me at face value.

 

Not gonna contact her anymore now for a bit, gonna wait n see if she replies to the message I sent her, if she is the person I think she is, then she will reply......

 

I know she has issues but I would like to be there for her, dont have a problem with her having kids, or doing the open uni course, and the ex issues will sort themselves out over time. I am happy to just do the friends thing, will jus hav to supress the feelings of wanting more, in the beginning they were there from her as well, as she was making all the moves, kissing me n stuff, so either she has gone off me and is letting me down gently, or she realised it was going to fast and decided to back off, and she also realised she dint want to get into anything serious so soon after splitting with her ex, I dont think she is the kind of person to say what she doesnt mean, so when she told me she liked me I believe that, and when she told me she wanted friends I believed it, maybe I am jus naive!?!

[munchkin]

Ok so has been nearly a week and no reply to the message I sent her. Thinking of sendin her an email (see below) good idea or bad idea?

 

Hi

 

I am starting to sense that maybe you have started running, and I am not to sure how to stop you, or if you want to/can be stopped. I am cool with having a friendship with you, but I am not sure if you still want that, I am not sure what you want from me?

 

I think you are an amazing woman, you have been through so much I can't even begin to imagine how it has affected you, but you still manage to have a smile on your face and you get on with it (even if underneath you are feeling differently), that is an admirable quaility to have. You should keep smiling your whole face lights up when you are happy and smiling and your laugh is intoxicating. Despite your claims to be shy I think you are more outgoing than you give yourself credit for, whenever I have seen you out in a group (which is only a couple of times I admit) you have been fully involved in all that is going on (a skill I need to develop on, as I am not good in groups) you should keep working on that. I think anyone who has the pleasure of knowing you is lucky, you come accross as a really nice, genuine person and when I asked your friends at the Hen do about you they just said you were a really nice person, I am the same people like us seem to be very rare.

 

I realise there is a lot I dont know about you, but I have seen enough so far to know I want to get to know you better. I accept that you are a busy person and you dont have a lot of spare time, I guess I was lucky that I started to get to know you before you started on your course proper, and now that you are fully into it, the time you had to talk/meet me has dimished.

 

I am worried that I will mess up here/mess up more, by keep wanting to see you, and you being busy, and I dont want to end up making you resent me because I am always wanting to hang out with you, I do still want to be your friend, and I welcome any opportunity I get to spend time with you and your kids. I realise at the moment the last thing you need is another relationship, and the last thing I want to do is ruin any chance we might have in the future by pestering you now (if I havent already ruined it).

 

I hope you find the right person for you as you deserve only the best, you have been through so much crap you deserve to be happy and to find someone who can give you as much as you give them.

 

You know I am here for you if you ever need to chat or anything. If you want some moral support in court then I am there, if you want to talk about xxxxx I am here.

 

I realise I have messed up here, we went to fast to start with, we shouldn't have slept together, I disrespected you there, as I know you dint want to go that quick. I am not sure how I can rectify that, I am not sure how to proceed? If you are worried about me meeting other people, please dont be, I am only meeting them as friends and my subscription runs out soon I prob wont resibscribe as I have got friends now. I think there is some potential there for us, when you are in the right place, and I thought you felt the same way (until I messed everything up).

 

All I ask is that you are honest with me about what you want from me and how we proceed from here?

[munchkin]

Took this one off!

[ElektraHere]

Don't send either one! Especially the last one. If she wants you in her life she will let you know. If she doesn't then you have your answer. Leave her alone right now and proceed with your life right now.

 

The last email sounds as though you are desperate. It sounds very co-dependent. You need to get that you can't convince, sway, or barter with someone that you want to be in their life. That is their choosing and their choosing alone.

 

You are just going to end up hurt and rejected over and over again. If you don't believe me scan some of the posts on this website there are many like yours and obviously none have been successful. If they were they wouldn't be posting on this website.

[Lansing]

I agree that you shouldn't send that e-mail (if you haven't already)....

 

I think you are blaming yourself for EVERYTHING. It doesn't come accross as confident in who you are and that she would want to spend time with you.

 

Regardless of why she didn't respond, it looks like you tried to make efforts to contact her already. I would suggest that you start dating some of the other girls you meet off that site...

 

You say for example that you want to be "friends" with her but then you tell her not to worry about you meeting other people!

[munchkin]

But what if I have done or said somthing that has annoyed/upset her, I just want to talk to her and se what is going on, why is that so wrong?

 

I mentioned the meeting people with friends as I wondered if she was jealous or annoyed by the fact I was still metting people, even tho she had said she wanted us to see each other as friends with no expoectations maybe she wants more from me, but jus cant giv it to me coz she got so much other stuff going on? this is why I wanna talk to her. But I cant coz she never online to talk to, and dont wanna ring her n risk getting VM or to be ignored.

 

If I giv up on her, wont she giv up on me aswell, and think i had an issue with her? What if she sits back and doies the same thing and waits for me....then nothing will even progress!

 

Whats so wrong with wanting to talk to her?

[Lansing]

The issue of wanting to talk to her all the time will make you come accross as "needy" . Often our mind invents "reasons" why we should contact someone. (I.e. we think that we may have offended them, or insulted them,etc,etc).

 

If someone is busy, they will eventually find time for things important in their life. If you don't hear from her, that can say something about their "issues" as much as about any issues that you may have....

 

By focussing energy so much on this one girl, it will make things "weird" when you do see her because she will probably sense that you have put her up on a pedestal.

[munchkin]

But I obviously hav done somthing wrong as I have come accross as needy! I just want the opportunity to talk to her about it, see how she is feeling, if I have gone to far or if there is still hope of a friendship. I have resisted in contacting her so far has been over a week since I heard from her, and i last txt her at the weekend am planning to hold out til the weekend as I know shes got an assignment due in this week, but not sure how I will deal if she hasnt been in touch after that.

 

I am not putting her on a pedestal or waiting in, in the hopes she might contact me, I am going out and doing stuff wi friends and meeting new people, but it doesn't take away the fact that I thought there was a friendship with this person which i have managed to mess up. (this whole situation is very reminisent of the one with my ex and I guess it is making me more nervous of things goin the same way..)

 

If it was the other way round would people be telling her to forget about me and mov on or to talk to me about it? If she has run away is she likely to come back jus by me not contacting her? I need some insights from her perspective please?

[fishrrshortae]

Hey

I am in the same situation as your girlfriend.. Only .. honestly, I think it isn't that she's busy, but just not interested, and you throwing yourself at her isn't going to help anything. It'll just make her withdraw from you. If you really want to take the pressure off, move on. Be there for her as a friend when she needs it, otherwise NC. If she was interested, she'd want you around more and she doesn't.