Can't let go...

[enolaton]

Guys... its been 5 months since she broke up with me, and 2 weeks since she begged to be friends (for the third time), and I finally had to put an end to it once and for all, telling her to not contact me. Problem is, in 5 months, I just can't seem to let go. We haven't spoken too often since the break-up but it seems something in my gut is preventing me from moving on. After all this time, I still think about her constantly, and despite reading Major's thread on No Contact, where EVERYTHING makes sense, I constantly debate on whether or not to be her friend. I ALWAYS SECOND GUESS MY DECISION TO GO NC. Sometimes, I just feel in being friends, she would see the person that I've become. I miss her so much after all this time, and in my specific situation (where some respect issues ultimately lead to her breaking-up with me) I know we still care for each other very much, and like the rest of us here, I feel as though a piece of my heart is gone. Again, I just can't seem TO LET GO. Anyone else with this problem??? Please, any advice!!!

[eddie500]

I think we all probably have this problem with a girl that we truly fell in love with. Bascially you won´t get over her 100% until you meet another girl as good or better then your ex, or bascially a girl who you can fall in love with as much or more. I don´t think anyone can say that after 6 months or a year of no contact without meeting someone can say yeah I´m 100% over my ex.

 

The other point is, she is begging to be friends with you only 2 weeks ago! How strict are you following no-contact? When we talk about NO-contact that means you don´t speak with your ex or let her give the chance to beg you back to be friends! So from what it seems to me is that your not following the no-contact!, I´ve just went into no-contact with my ex and its been almost 2 months. I have not spoken, wrote or heard anything about her. Thats no-contact.. and it works well if you follow it.

[whatif]

that's the problem we all have. Although, 5 months is a relatively long time, it's hard to completely forget about an ex love. You will forget her once you get involved in another relationship and fall in love. The only way to take her off your mind. Then, and only then, you might see her running back to you. What a dilemma huh.

[Bethany]

If she wanted you back as a lover and not as a friend, I would say follow your heart but she doesn't, she just wants to be friends and get rid of the feelings inside her by making things right for her. I don't think you even come into that, as it's her dealing with HER loss and it's something she has to deal with on her own as it was her decision to break up and she has to deal with the consequences by herself..

 

She is probably finding it more difficult than she thought and now wants you to take it away for her by making it better for her, which makes things undoubtledly worse for you.

 

Don't be used to make someone else feel that they did the right thing when you don't feel deep inside its true. You made the right decision at the time and did what was right for you and you knew it was the right one.The doubts are bound to come creeping back but stick to what you're heart knows and that's the pain of rejection and that being her friend won't take it away but will probably take you right back to square one.

[SilverCloud]

you are in the obsessive boat my friend... just like me... we cant let go cause we want it to work but its not meant to work otherwise we wont be breaking up .

You can only be her friend if you can imagine yourself not feeling this burn inside that is called jealousy when she is with someone else... this the reason i cant get myself to be my ex's friend... i dont wana be his friend cause i know in my heart how much it will hurt to see him being with someone else. Only answer is time ... nothing else, wish there was...

[eddie500]

you are in the obsessive boat my friend... just like me... we cant let go cause we want it to work but its not meant to work otherwise we wont be breaking up .

You can only be her friend if you can imagine yourself not feeling this burn inside that is called jealousy when she is with someone else... this the reason i cant get myself to be my ex's friend... i dont wana be his friend cause i know in my heart how much it will hurt to see him being with someone else. Only answer is time ... nothing else, wish there was...

 

Yep, thats what I always say, why would you want to be her friend? so you can hear all the love stories about the next guy she is shagging. I say no thankyou. Just walk away,

 

Thats another good point, it was never meant to work thats why the two of you are broken up. If you two were a match made in heaven then you wouldn´t be in the position you were in now.

[enolaton]

I understand where you all are coming from. But, I'm still looking for some advice or help on how to let go. I've tried everything, and I'm serious about NC now. Help???

[karen95]

i'm sorry that you are finding this so hard. but when you do get over her you will be a much stronger person

 

for now, is there any way that you could take a holiday for a week, and get away with some friends to complete new surroundings.

and could you start up any new hobbies. or are you doing anything right now that you really enjoy? could you throw yourself into work for a while and try to have a million things to think about and do, to try and prevent her from sneaking into your head.

for me when i was trying to get over my ex, i found night time, and times i was sitting with nothing to do the hardest. so during the day i would try and keep myself really busy so that i would not have time to think about him, and at night i would always have a book to read, and i kept reading it until i fell asleep.

 

hope you find something that works for you!!!!

[Orlander]

Banish Doubt, Enolation!! NC is the only way to go! Make the decision to not talk to her anymore and then spend your time reminding yourself that you made the decision and move on with your life. Don't second guess yourself. You ARE strong enough to do this.

 

I might recommend some light reading. Try Wayne Dyer's Power of Intention. It has done wonders for me. One of the points he stresses is to think about what you want in life and not what you dont want. If you truly want to move on, then think about doing that.

 

I dont believe you cant heal completely until you find someone else. That is pure BS. You should be using this time to heal yourself before finding your true love.

 

 

Orlander

[Bethany]

You don't let go, you ACCEPT and give it TIME. Once you have accepted, the fight is over! Acceptance of everything that has happened will make things get better and TIME will make your feelings fade and NC will seem like a nightmare you have lived through but survived.

[eddie500]

I understand where you all are coming from. But, I'm still looking for some advice or help on how to let go. I've tried everything, and I'm serious about NC now. Help???

 

The tipps the people said are good, it is best to keep yourself busy. But the only thing that matters in the end is time. I think that when you love someone your mind mentally gets attached to that person. It is an evolutionary thing that you can´t do anything about. But with time your mind lets go. This is all very powerful stuff, your mind really takes control.

The only thing you can really do during this time that your mind needs to break the connection with the person is to do stuff to take your thoughs away from the pain.

 

in a couple months you feel so much different, you will actually feel the loss of the connection and be bascially free again. No-contact is by far the quickest way to this point.

[enolaton]

I appreciate all your input. But, let's say the ex broke up with you, but it was mostly your fault. IF there is any hope of reconciliation, wouldn't friends be the best path to take? I mean, the ex broke up with you, and instead of showing them that you can change, you tell them to not contact you and just re-affirm their actions of breaking up with you in the first place... I've been debating this ever since my break-up, and this is partly why I can't let go... thoughts???

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi enolaton,

 

My thoughts to your question -

 

When I've been through my breaks, there is always fault. It may be everything gets too predictable, boring, unhappy, uninteresting which usually has meant an unwanted third person ends up getting involved.

 

I can not be friends with an ex until a long time after the break. This is just me of course, but I don't want the pain to continue. I have to put in my mind that this is a break, I can't fix it, it's a done deal, and I need to move on and forward. Being friends with an ex puts me in a rut. I get stuck and keep on thinking that there will be reconciliation if we can just stay friends.

 

I don't think that NC affirms anything to the ex, and if it does, it doesn't matter to me. It helps you get over the break and move on with hopefully no distractions or bothers. I have found as eddie500 posted NC is the fastest way to be free of the pain and all the emotions. Sure, I have a hard time of letting go, I'm human to I have found though that I have to put one foot in front of the other and keep right on going.

 

Best of luck!

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[Royltnxile]

I appreciate all your input. But, let's say the ex broke up with you, but it was mostly your fault. IF there is any hope of reconciliation, wouldn't friends be the best path to take? I mean, the ex broke up with you, and instead of showing them that you can change, you tell them to not contact you and just re-affirm their actions of breaking up with you in the first place... I've been debating this ever since my break-up, and this is partly why I can't let go... thoughts???

 

When the break up occurred did you profess your love for her? Your desire to stay together? Did you and her address what changes needed to be made on your part in order to keep the relationship going? Did she tell you what you had to "change" to please her in the relationship? You say it's mostly "your fault" so I'm wondering if you and her ever talked about changes you could make to salvage the relationship?

 

Being her "friend" isn't going to do you any good. She CHOSE to leave you, for whatever reasons, and whosever fault. There is nothing you can do once that decision is made and IMO, remaining a "friend" is the worst possible thing you can do towards reconcilliation. Don't be her "man under glass" and serve as her faithful standby. Reconnection through disconnection is the best recourse you have. Leave her alone, talk to her lightly when she calls, but be aloof and standoffish. The best way to get her interested again is to remain distant from her. Being her friend is not the way to go.

 

As far as the time thing, dude, it's been a year for me and I'm still thinking about my ex, and I've been dating someone I'm generally happy with...still I think of the "what if's" involving the ex though.

[enolaton]

Thanks for all your responses. I truly appreciate them. This has been so hard on me lately because I found out my ex is seeing her ex before me. When she started going out with me, he started writing emails to her threatening things he would do to himself if she did not return to him, and saying some pretty hurtful things. As much as I shouldn't care, I still love my ex very much, and I feel by not being her friend, I am just pushing her closer to this guy. I doubt they're dating, but who knows what can happen in the future. I know I've lost her as a girlfriend, but it's so hard to accept I've lost her from my life alltogether. I feel not being friends, which she REALLY pushed for, is only pushing her closer to this other guy (seems she is the type to always need that male figure in her life, and I'd rather it be me, then this guy)... so confused...help...

[Royltnxile]

As much as I shouldn't care, I still love my ex very much, and I feel by not being her friend, I am just pushing her closer to this guy. ..................I know I've lost her as a girlfriend, but it's so hard to accept I've lost her from my life alltogether. I feel not being friends, which she REALLY pushed for, is only pushing her closer to this other guy (seems she is the type to always need that male figure in her life, and I'd rather it be me, then this guy)... so confused...help...

 

Enolaton,

 

Be honest with yourself, brutally and totally honest and ask yourself these questions:

 

Could you really be just her "friend"? Friendships don't work when one party is madly in love with the other.

 

Do you really think that your love for her would allow that?

 

Could you stand hearing her talk about other men she might be meeting, dating, and worst of all, - sleeping with?

 

Could you picture yourself going on a double date with her and being totally indifferent to the situation?

 

Can you handle all the mixed signals you are going to get constantly from her by being involved with her as a "friend"? Because that is what you are going to get from her.

 

If you can't answer all of these questions with a truthful and honest "yes", then it is impossible for you to be her friend, and you are asking for nothing but trouble and more heartache by desperately hanging onto the crumbs of attention she is going to offer you under the guise of "friendship".

 

You are kidding yourself to think that if you just stay her friend, she will eventually wake up, come to her senses, and want you again in a romantic way. It won't happen like that. Your best course of action to preserve any kind of romantic possibilities with her in the future is to withdraw from her completely, practice NC, and move on with your life. Reconnection through disconnection. This is a hard concept to grasp but it's the only way. The first step to getting anyone "back" is to let go. How do you let go you ask? Put any thoughts of being her "friend" out of your mind, focus on yourself, and start meeting new people. Accept that the romantic connection between you and her is over and realize that there is nothing you can do to "bring her around". If you and her are meant to be friends, then life will bring the two of you back together as true friends at some point in time. If you and her are meant to be together as romantic partners again, the God will to that as well. Let Go and Let God...

 

You say she is the "type that needs a male figure in her life". Hello? She's got low self esteem my friend. She needs guys around her to validate herself and to gratify her ego. Her begging and pleading with you to remain her "friend" has nothing to do with YOU. It has everything to do with HER and her needs. Your idea of this proposed "friendship" with her is nothing short of you hanging around like a dog waiting to be thrown some table scraps of attention from her...ie..."mixed signals". She will throw them your way to keep you interested when she feels she needs to, and only when it's convenient for her. HER idea of "friendship" is having you around at her convenience kissing her azz and catering to her emotionally ...again, only when she needs it.

 

You're worrying that if you disconnect from her, it will drive her into the arms of another man? She's not in your arms right now is she? So why care whose arms she winds up in. Remaining her friend isn't going to prevent her from seeing other people and I don't understand why you would think it would.

 

She knows you love her.

She knows you want to be with her again.

She knows she could have you back at the drop of a hat as well.

She's comfortable and content in this knowledge, believe me! Her ego is dependent upon this knowledge. Trust me on that one as well.

 

Disconnect from her. Let her go. Remaining false "friends" with her will neither bring her back to you, nor will it allow you to let go. Don't do it.

[Royltnxile]

bumping this up

[enolaton]

I truly appreciate your reply Roxy, as well as everyone else's. I woke up today, and realized I need to light a fire under my butt and get on with life, cause my ex isn't coming back. I've put SO MUCH of my life on hold. That being said, it wasn't a bad break-up and we still love each other, and I'm quite sure that I want her in my life (I've known I've wanted this for so long already - I've just been trying EVERYTHING to get her back, hence the NC). I wasn't being true to myself. I'm gonna STOP trying now. Our break-up was more mutual, but she just put the "I'm breaking up with you" words in action, thus hurting my hurt feelings. I miss her as a person in my life, and I have no hard feelings toward her. I am a very indecisive person, so, I might change my mind again, but I'm also trying to change that characteristic. I have no expectations with her anymore. It's all gone. She is a GREAT person, and though she has hurt me, I know that it was done unintentionally and she has done everything in her power to not make things worse. There are always bad feelings in break-ups. She has literally gone out of her way, and put much effort into being friends. Maybe we're better off... maybe we're meant just to be friends... thoughts???

[enolaton]

Still no thoughts???

[trident]

Do what your gut tells you.

 

In my opinion, trying to remain "just friends" after the relationship has failed is just a way of not letting go and accepting what happened. Anything is possible, but there is a reason why "I hope we can still be friends" is one of those cliches that always rings hollow and signals the end.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi enolaton,

 

Since you have "no expectations with her anymore", expect nothing from her. When you expect nothing from her, then you will realize there is no need to contact her. When you expect nothing from her and if she does contact you, you can take it from there.

 

One of the things that has helped me a lot is not expecting anything from her. I don't expect anything and thereforeeee I don't do anything. Makes it easier, although not simple, it does make it easier for me to deal with the break.

 

Hang in there.

bcuzitwasfun

[enolaton]

I guess it all comes down to whether I should just move on, or possibly prolong my pain, but have the "never give up" mentality and just be her friend. I think in my situation, being her friend maximizes my chances for a reconciliation. I just can't help but think this. I miss her sooo much, I don't know which path to take, DESPITE everyone's great advice... I just can't make a decision, but I do know I still love her so much, and wish to have her around... so confused....

[coooolsome]

No, you move on. She doesnt want to really be your friend and you dont really want to be her friend. She is either keeping you as a backup or trying to ease her guilt. Niether of those is friendship. I had to learn the hard way, even though I thought my ex was different and unique, I slowly learned that she is the same as everyone elses. My ex wants nothing to do with me even though I was as nice as I could be.

 

Leave her alone and move on with your life.

[Bethany]

Maybe this will help you make a decision....You CAN'T be friends until you've moved on because until you move on you will always be the broken-hearted ex who never moved on..

[enolaton]

Bethany... I needed that... thanks. Right now, I'm actually pissed off at my ex. I mean, she was with someone new 3 weeks after we broke up, and from what I hear, they shacked up during their short relationship. 3 years, and she moved on in the blink of an eye almost. Yea, I'm sure she was preparing for this before she actually broke up with me, but aside from the begging to be friends, she has shown no sign of remorse or doubt in her decision. Just goes to show you never really know a person 100%, does it???