does the number of partners mean anything?

[SnoGirl42]

today me and my boyfriend were talking about past relationships and the number of people we have slept with. and he revealed to me that his number is a little over 20 and he is only 23. now is this something i should worry about? he told me that the reason for this was because he was burned twice really bad by his past girlfriends and to help him feel better he would sleep around with different women. but he said that he hasnt been like that for the past year...i'm not a fool and i dont believe everything he said 100 percent. do you think numbers really matter?

[melrich]

I don't think numbers matter per se, it is more about what were his relationships like and how did he treat his partners.

[fishrrshortae]

It sure sounds like his coping strategies could be tweaked.

 

To be honest, that is info that would make me think that it wouldn't work out. I've had the same-ish situation happen to me, finding out that a guy has been "around the block" so to speak ... and usually when guys have slept with that many women, they are usually pretty immature. I would definitely reconsider this guy.

[Meow18]

Well, first of all, I would worry that he is clean. 20 is a lot of partners, so hopefully he gets tested before you do anything with him. Even if he claims to have used protection, it's always better to be safe than sorry. I'm just looking out for you, so hopefully if you haven't thought about that, you will consider it.

 

But 20 is a lot in my opinion. Some people just don't think of sex as important as others do. And if you have different opinions about sex, then that's going to hurt your relationship.

 

Normally I say that that the past is the past, but the thing that gets to me about your post is that you said you don't believe him 100%. That means you feel he is lying to you about some things he has said. Is there a reason you don't trust what he is saying?

[becallamjr]

First, divide that number by three. There ya go. Second, has he been tested? and finally Third, Don't talk about past relationships, they only bring insecurities.

[suprema99]

I would say your probably number 23 then girl. It's your judgment. How many girls per year ask yourself. lets give him age 15-16 he started being active. He never could of had a relationship more than 4 months. I would say it's actually worse for him to say he hasn't been like that in awhile, cause the numbers then would increase even more for his age, say then 5 or so woman a year, consistantly. lol do the math.

[Meow18]

As suprema said, it really depends on how you feel. Obviously it seems like you aren't ok with it. Do you feel like you can get past this? Or do you feel like you will always be wondering if you are being compared to past girls?

 

Also, I think it's ok to talk about certain things about the past, such as how many people he's been with.. especially since he's been with so many. It's more of a safety thing than anything I guess.

[SnoGirl42]

honestly is does bother me quite a bit mostly because of the safety issue. he did tell me that he was tested and he is clean. so with him being very educated and his mother being a nurse i hope and pray that he is being honest with me about this.also, he did say that he regrets what he did. i mean he could have very easily lied about this also. i guess the smart thing for me would be to try to let this go.

[becallamjr]

good luck with that one. You wanna know if he has been tested? Go with him, both of you get tested, you doing it as a gesture to him. Talking about past relationships only brings insecurities, I don't care what anybody says.

[ocrob]

I think that the past is the past. He is with you now and that is what is most important. It is encouraging that he was honest with you about past women. I have been with several since my ex broke up with me. I would recommend getting tested together as becallemjr said. You can still practice safe sex, but it really is never safe, if you are having fun. You should both get tested together and safety should be the only concern. Past hook ups should mean nothing. He is with you because he likes you.

[confusedashell]

First, divide that number by three.

 

 

haha thats sadly right. we men do usually put the number up a few notches, especially when we're younger. by the time I was 20 I had sex with maybe 7 different women but of course when I met my wife, I told her I had a lot more than 7 hah. We are insecure about it and in the male world, the less women you've had, the less man you are. So dont worry about it.

 

when it comes to talking about past relationships, lets face it: we all know we shouldnt, but we all do. Its natural curiosity mixed with insecurity. The thing to remember is: we all have a past. Deal with it. You either let it go or end the relationship. But the longer the relationship goes on, you dont even think about your partners past. I couldnt even fake an interest in my wifes ex's

[RayKay]

Whether it is okay or not all depends on YOU. I also think that you have to look at the circumstances of those experiences - was he honest with the woman? Was he cheating on others? Did he learn from the experiences? People do CHANGE when they want to change, we are not our mistakes or our past...the past influences whom we are (not necessarily negatively), but it does not define whom we are.

 

So I cannot tell you how to feel, that is something you need to decide for you.

 

I would advise not only both going and getting tested, but you going back regularly to check for HPV and so forth, as it is extremely common (by the age o f 50, 80% of women will have it) and most strains are not detected in men. However regular pap smears for you can look for the strains of HPV that cause cervical cancers and infertility. He may have it and not know it, very possible after being with 20 women.

[SnoGirl42]

before i found this info out i remember him telling me how he wouldnt treat girls the way they wanted to be treated but how it got old real quick and he was looking for something more serious. this info just really shocked me because we have mutual friends and they all told me how he's really picky when it comes to having a girlfriend or dating someone and he in fact told me himself how picky he is. so i immediately thought when he told me this "how can he be this picky and sleep around quite a bit" i dont know, but i guess it was purely for sex. however, he told me how he regrets what he did and how much more meaningful the sex is between us because he cares about me. so for now i'm just going to put this info behind me because i believe the past is the past (and i do have a past myself but not as bad) and go get tested.

[NJRon]

Yeah, I think you hit it. There's often a difference between the characteristics of someone you would date, versus the characteristics of someone you will just sleep with.

 

Honestly, he probably exaggerated the number. Pretty well every younger guy does, even if subconsciously, because they use estimation, whereas women count, which often causes underestimation.

 

Also, it's pretty easy to sleep with a wad of women in one period of time. Between relationships I will typically sleep with anywhere from 3 to 6 women before I find someone that actually interests me. This last time was the first time I haven't done that.