Will we ever get back together?

[CutiePie25]

My boyfriend and i are taking a break after a year of dating. We were best friends for 3 years before we started dating and then it all of a sudden became romantic. I have never loved someone more in my entire life, but all of a sudden things have sort of changed. He is graduating medical school in May and is thinking that his life is going to end once he graduates. He's scared to turn 26, to become a doctor, and to get married. He has been going out with all of his friends like crazy. When I go out with them, I feel like the mother because I harp on my boyfriend for acting like an immature idiot. The only times we ever fight is about him growing up and acting like an adult (he is going to be a doctor in 2 months!!). It just seems to me that he is rebelling against the inevitable. We decided to take a break 2 weeks ago because I was sick of being the girlfriend who was constantly griping. I was never in a good mood when we went out, He was taking me for granted and needs to experience what life is like without me. We've talked once in 2 weeks but I am scared that he is going to be happy with this change and that he'll realize i'm not what he wants. HELP! any advice is appreciated. I am having a hard time understanding what he is going through. I wanted him to not want the break and instead to say, I will do anything to not lose you. I will sacrifice and grow up. Am I being unrealistic here?

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA!

 

I feel for this guy, I am in a similar situation...

 

I think he wants to live his life and have what he believes to be a last taste of freedom before he has to "grow up". Graduation does that to a lot of people, as does any big change in one's life... At the root of things, I think he is afraid of losing himself and his life to the reality of becoming a doctor...the long hours, being on call, etc. It's a tough life no doubt...

 

What you can do is show him that his logic is flawed and the he can still go out, have fun, and otherwise have a life and still become a professional. He just doesn't see this yet. This is normal and it doesn't have anything to do with you...it has to do with him...

 

So I wouldn't pressure him, because pressure is the last thing he needs right now. Can you join him in his little phase here of rebelling against maturity? Can you be patient with him and be there for him? Can you talk to him and seriously communicate with him about this whole thing? Could you try to put yourself in his shoes and try to sympathize with him? How much do you love and believe in this guy? What is a relationship with him worth to you?

 

Now when you answer that last one, don't look at the person, who is about to become a doctor, have a nice, secure job and income, probably very intelligent, attractive, etc. But...

 

Look at the relationship you have together outside of this phase he is going through. Are you guys tight? Is there a bond there? Chemistry? Plans for the future? What is the fit like?

 

I think once you answer those questions above, your solution will become clearer...

[NJRon]

The guy is finishing medical school and will be starting a very demanding career as a doctor in only 2 months. He worked his butt off, and then he will work his butt off more. He has these two months to enjoy himself.

 

If I were you, I would participate in this enjoyment. Otherwise, you're more likely to get what you asked for in the first place. A break.. only permanent.

[CutiePie25]

thanks so much for your responses. Its always great to hear a perspective from a man who could be going through a similar situation. I love this guy with all of my heart- He has been in my life for the past 4 years as my best friend (only the last 1 year we have dated). A relationship with him to me is worth everything. I am looking for security in him, not through his job. I could care less that he is going to be a doctor. I'd love him if he were jobless and penniless. I am in love with his kindness, his heart, his generosity, sincerity and even his mind- he is so intelligent- we connect on many levels. First as friends, and now as partners.

 

I ran into him on Friday night randomly and it was actually a great encounter- we were so excited to see each other-- mind you its been 2 weeks that we've been taking a break and this is the first time in 4 years i havent talked to him everyday-- he kissed me about 3 times and told me he loved me more than anyone he's ever met.

 

I am trying to keep my distance- I want to seem mysterious to him... let him see what life is like without me. I do think he'll come around, but it'll take months. and I do not want to surpress this phase he is going through. I know the last thing he needs from me is pressure.

 

I think I am most afraid that he might not come back to me. And I do understand that it is a good thing if he does or doesnt. Fate plays a part in everything. What if he finds someone else? I know I could go out there and find someone else, too, but I just dont want to. He has all of the qualities I could ever ask for in someone.

 

What are your thoughts on dating your best friend? does that generally seem to work out or end in disaster?

[no_bad_news]

I don't think he would meet anyone that fast..if so it won't be serious...if I were you I would keep talking to him..but I wouldn't tell him you love him....I would say "I know"...when he says "I love you" to you..men like the chase....you need to make him feel like he could lose you..I think that was my mistake....letting him take me for granted......men want a girl that reinforces the fear that they'll lose her.....

[CutiePie25]

I'm definitely having good days and bad days... its been 2 weeks since we decided to take a break. I had a great day yesterday. Today hasnt been so great- tomorrow is my birthday and last year, my boyfriend organized a huge surprise party for me with all of my friends. I'm just having a hard time thinking that we wont be spending my birthday together this year.

 

I assume that he will call me tomorrow... if he does, should I ignore him? I was thinking that I shouldnt talk to him so that he is left wondering what I am doing. Which leads me to my next question- his birthday is 2 weeks after mine, maybe i'll just text or e-mail him rather than call?

 

Would love thoughts and words of encouragement. I am really down today.

[NJRon]

I guess I really don't understand what you expect to achieve with this "break". Are you hoping to get back together? Was there a defined time limit for it? If you are hoping to get back together, I don't see what ignoring him would do. Why do you want to leave him wondering what you are doing? Is there any reason you don't just get back together right now?

 

Just curious. I mean, I understand how tough it is and I'm sur eyou really want to speak with him and everything. I guess I just don't understand why you don't.

[keenan]

I'm curious--what's your reason for ignoring him? I get that you want to seem mysterious and slightly unavailable...but I really loved friscodj & njron's advice. Why not participate in this fun with him, instead of being the chilly task-master who give him the cold shoulder when he wants to be silly? It'll demonstrate to him that he can be fun and crazy WITH you, rather than setting up a contrast that is not going to serve you well: nagging with you, or fun without you. Why not tell him that you've missed him like crazy, that you get that he needs to recalibrate between med school and working, and that you love him and want to have fun with while he does that? Then DO it. Show him that you've got some spirit and don't always have to be prim and responsible...and that you won't hold him to a life of constant, unwavering, prim responsibility. That he was thrilled to see you on Friday night suggests that he'd love to give this a try.

[CutiePie25]

Well, because I had been such a complete B**ch to him the past couple of months, he told me that he was doubting things between us. We have talked about our future together many times, but now I think he is just doubting that I am the one because of the way I have been acting. And I should add that we have had this conversation several times--- he has given me a chance to clean up my act and in the end, I failed miserably. I had a hard time participating in his drunk nights with his friends and for some reason, after a few drinks I just couldnt deal with it anymore. Its hard to explain- and I dont know why I act the way that I do. The purpose of this break is a) for him to take time to realize if I am the one b) have one last hoorah with his friends before they all graduate and leave (he is staying here) c) he wasnt making sacrifices for me. We were always doing what he wanted to do and never what I wanted to do d) for him to just grow up after he graduates! He cant party until 7am much longer... Wouldnt you be sick of that? I try to participate but I am just so sick of laying in bed until 2 or 3pm on a weekend when I have a lot to accomplish on my days off.

 

The hardest part about all of this is that he has been my best friend for the past 4 years. We have had no contact except for Fri night where I probably showed my weaker side to him. I just wanted to act strong and make him think that he could be losing me--- then he would come back?? Does any of this make sense???

 

And we didnt set a time limit--- we basically said until there was a breaking point- where we realized we couldnt live without each other or we could. I quite frankly am pulling on the I cant live with out you bit... Not sure what he's feeling but I dont want to prematurely get back into a relationship that is still going to have its problems...

[NJRon]

Hmm. Well, thanks for the clarification. Given that information, I really don't see what ignoring him would accomplish. And might just be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

Basically though, what I am hearing is that you two just seem really incompatible. Maybe that will change when he becomes a doctor, but you never know.

 

I'm wondering if you two can't at least have some dates, just one on one. I mean, I really don't know how you are going to determine there is a grounds for getting back together without communication, though you can find grounds for staying apart that way.

 

I don't want to come off like I am too crtitcal here. What you said totally makes sense. I just think that this is a situation that doesn't call for playing any games. You guys have been best friends you say for 4 years of this relationship... you don't just walk away from your best friend, you support them. You don't try and make your best friend miss you, you be available to them. So, if you *want* to ignore him because you want to get over him, then do so... but if that's not your intention, then don't.

[CutiePie25]

Thanks for your advice NJRon. I do appreciate your honesty. you're right- we shouldnt play games. But at the same time, I want him to realize that he needs me back in his life and is willing to do anything to get me back--- and i do realize this may not come about until he starts his residency.

 

I know it seems we are incompatible at this point- but i can assure you we are not. Everything we value in life is exactly the same- not to mention that we started out as friends first. We really respect each other and we do communicate well (almost too well at times). We have talked about all aspects of marriage- we both want what our parents have (and its the exact same thing- a wonderful, loving, stable, giving relationship). Actually, the only times we ever fight is when we've had some beverages and I want to go home and he wants to stay out and make an a*s of himself.

 

you're so right- i shouldnt play games given our history and our friendship. I am definitely not ready to get over him, but I just want to fast forward until when he graduates and see what life is like then.

[NJRon]

Life is living in the moment. If you spend your time waiting for the future, your life will become empty and anxiety will grow, as you base everything on something permanently out of reach. Enjoy the moment.

 

It really makes no sense to me why you can't still be together, yet give him enough space to go out with his friends. I think you need to modify your expectations of how much time and attention you need. It's only going to get worse when he enters residency.

 

It just pains me to see this because I can tell you both really care about each other and you are letting such a minor thing destroy something that could be very beautiful. If I had to do it all over again, there were much greater things interfering with my relationships in the past that I would have done to save them. And, in the scheme of things, this is minor.

 

If you two can't compromise, you will never be able to forge a successful marriage. And all I see is two people unwilling to budge, and I'm not sure why.

 

If you really want him to just miss you, and you really don't want to adjust your expectations here, then the only thing you can do is make it known to him that you do love him and care for him and if he wants you back, explicitly what he must do. No need to ignore him... you need to keep that bond.

 

And I'm only speaking from my own perspective, if I was in his shoes. I would be building up guilt right now because I was doing what I wanted to do at the expense of the relationship and, frankly, that just might cause more harm in the long run than anything.

 

Good luck...

[CutiePie25]

I guess the real issue here (that i'm having a hard time facing) is that he is 95% sure of the time that i am the one for him and then there is that 5% of the time where he isnt sure- and he gets scared to grow up... he is afraid of marriage, of being a doctor, etc. I dont know if this last leg of medical school is making him have cold feet or what- and I am by no means pushing marriage at this point, but we have talked about it repeatedly with him bringing it up.

 

I think a lot of this is that he is scared of growing up and is rebelling- even against me, his best friend who happens to be his girlfriend. This is what hurts the most. Hence all of the partying and acting like he is 18 years old again.

 

I cant decide if I am doing the right thing by giving him his space and letting him experience life with out me. In my mind, I feel as if he has taken me for granted and walked all over me knowing that I would still love him in the end (this has been a recent thing, over the past 2 months or so).

 

So, what I am trying to say after this long tirade is that I am giving him his space to figure out if I am the one. I know he is the one for me and I cant force him to see that--- the only thing I can do is step back and let him figure it out on his own. if he comes back, its meant to be and if he doesnt, then obviously it isnt.

[keenan]

 

I want him to realize that he needs me back in his life and is willing to do anything to get me back--- and i do realize this may not come about until he starts his residency.

 

I just want to fast forward until when he graduates and see what life is like then

 

he is scared of growing up and is rebelling- even against me, his best friend who happens to be his girlfriend.

 

I know he is the one for me and I cant force him to see that--- the only thing I can do is step back and let him figure it out on his own. if he comes back, its meant to be and if he doesnt, then obviously it isnt

 

Honestly, CutiePie25, I think I understand where you're coming from here, but I would urge you to take a deep breath and try to be patient and broad-minded, if you can. At times when reading your posts it has seemed like you're the one who really wants out of this relationship. I know you're framing it differently, and you're using all the right words that suggest that you love him and want him more than anything (and please forgive me, I believe that you do love him, and I want nothing but the best for you both), but underneath your words there lies a surprising amount of inflexibility, and perhaps anger, and maybe some self-righteousness. Again and again I'm seeing this undercurrent of "It's my way or the highway, and if he doesn't figure out that he's being a youthful fool, that I'm perfect for him, and come running back to me when he starts being a 'real' person again, then c'est la vie, it's his loss." I'm NOT suggesting that you shouldn't stand up for yourself and expect him to treat you well even when going through a rough time, but I'm worried that you're going too far in the other direction. I find the contrast between your professed love for him (which again, I believe is real) and your desire that he act *exactly* the way you want him to act (or believe that he should act) to be conflicting and potentially problematic--not just now, but down the road. We all go through periods in which we need a little more lateral movement--times when we feel aggressive and strong, or a little sad and vulnerable, or a little wild a crazy, or a little upstanding and self-righteous. Sometimes those periods last for weeks or months, and sometimes we don't act our best while we're in them. But so long as the lateral movements don't slide past your *absolute* boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not, then I think that understanding and patience and kindness are in order. You guys were friends first, so you must know this already. You can't control him, and you won't always be able to. A looser grip will serve you better than a leash. At this point he may have pushed too far past what you find acceptable and you may have lost a lot of respect for him. You sound genuinely surprised by his (perceived) immature behavior. Similarly, he may also be disillusioned about your inability to cope with these changes. That's fine--maybe you guys really do need a break to figure out if these changes are transitory or if they're suggestive of a more general pattern of divergence. But I would at least urge you to not write it off so quickly with a 'it's either meant to be or it's not' attitude. Love is strong, but it's not invulnerable to neglect or abuse or misunderstanding that hardens into bitterness or apathy. A lack of softness and caring on *both* of your parts right now could *force* this to be 'not meant to be'. Unfortunately, you may be the one who has to take the high road and let him regress for awhile. He's not in his most grown-up phase right now. But realize that the tables will probably turn someday, and you'll want him to extend the same leeway to you. Sorry if I sound too harsh--you remind me of myself a few years ago, and it took me a long time to learn these lessons. Our relationship was great in spite of it, but our memories were ribboned with a very slender thread of resentment that I always wished I could erase. Good luck.

[NJRon]

I guess to sum up what I have been very long winded about...

 

It seems to me that you took a certain behavior/interaction with him for granted. When things started changing, instead of modifying your expectations, you held onto what you took for granted.

 

I can tell you from my experience, when I look back at a relationship that failed because I didn't support my partner, I wonder why the heck I was hanging on to such rediculous expectations. They seemed important at the time but, in reality, I would have totally given in just to have my partner back.

 

Just something to think on.

[keenan]

I guess to sum up what I have been very long winded about...

 

It seems to me that you took a certain behavior/interaction with him for granted. When things started changing, instead of modifying your expectations, you held onto what you took for granted.

 

I can tell you from my experience, when I look back at a relationship that failed because I didn't support my partner, I wonder why the heck I was hanging on to such rediculous expectations. They seemed important at the time but, in reality, I would have totally given in just to have my partner back.

 

Just something to think on.

 

I second that.

[CutiePie25]

Thank you so much for all of your advice keenan and NJRon. I definitely do have some unrealistic expectations of him. And I really havent been there to support him through this change in his life. I think a lot of times, I need too much attention. I dont know why I am like that- I am an independent person with a great job and a great life, but for some reason- when i have a boyfriend I expect them to drop everything for me. Maybe its an unrealistic view on love... my parents have been married for 30 years and they are best friends and still extremely in love. I think I compare all relationships to them. Any advice on why I am like that? Or why I expect him to just grow up and live up to my expectations? I think this was the way my parents raised me. I really think that through all of this I became more needy than I am. Have you ever gone through something like this?? Would love your thoughts. Maybe even some thoughts on how to be your own person in a relationship--- A lot of the problem is that he and i have the same friends. So, when I want to go out with my friends, that means his friends too and there is no separation there. Maybe i need to branch out and find some new ones!