its already been said

[coppergold]

I'm only 14 years old (nearly 15). I have a boyfriend who is nearly 18, thought that getting an older boyfriend would solve my one of my problems, but its just made me realise something else. To most people I have a great life, friends, nice house, parents are together, and don't no anything about how I really feel.

 

 

 

Only a few of my friends know what I feel like, and I took me a while to actually reveal it. You see whenever I tell my secrets it all goes wrong. For some reason I seem to see the worse in everything, and believe that its true. I seem to get really irritable so my friends then become just annoying people. I seem to lack sleep, and all my coursework is crap along with school work because I can't consentrate. For some stupid reason I sharpen edges of my plectrums and under school desks I dig them into my wrists so it hurts and bleeds, but no body sees. I cover the marks up with sweatbands.

 

My parents think they are clver but they are stupid, I'm doing crap at school, get no sleep, listen to death metal, never show my bare wrists and always dong things wrong. Seems prety obvious.

 

Once I saw my perfect opertunity for help, we had to do a graph of our health emotions in school, my highest was a 3 out of 10, my teacher came over said, trust you to be different. Well * * * * him, because if my planning goes to plan he will be sacked for ignoring my "cry for help"

 

I just want a short painless death. Soon.

[Beyondthesea]

Why not go and speak the school counselor instead of waiting for someone to notice you? It seems you are doing everything you can to cry for attention and are not getting it. I'm surprised no one has noticed your problems really.

 

There's nothing wrong with asking for help rather than resolving your temporary problems with a permanent solution.

[coppergold]

You see I wish you were right, i even thought so myself. But i can't tell anyone. Sam and Nathan got it out of me cos they were feeling similar. I act reall y happy, hyper and fun. But its all a front, and i just wnt stop hiding. I hide everything, I dnt want my parents to no. I just hate it that they dnt realise. I dnt no why i feel like this.

[james21]

hi coppergold,

 

can you confide in your boyfriend? he is old enough to deal with what you are going through hopefully. you're too young to be thinking about ending it, and you have friends which is one of the most important things.

[coppergold]

To be honest I dnt think he could cope.

He told me that 6 years ago his mum left his dad. And due to this his dad couldn't cope and killed himself, if I kill myself I'm afraid for him. But cold heartidly I still want to.

So on the weekend I am going to buy what I need.

[becallamjr]

Hi copper

 

Don't think that taking your own life is cold hearted, selfish, or cowardly. It is by far not. I understand what you are going through. But, you need to ask for help. NOW. The longer you wait, the worse it is gonna get, believe me, it will get worse if you don't get help now. Go to your school counselor and tell him/her what is going on. Venting on sites like these help, but it is a only a temporary fix. Don't let the "darkness" beat you.

[coppergold]

I have taken into consideration what you have said, and thankyou.

I hope you are right in saying that it is not cowardly.

Because the "darkness has beaten me". And one thing is hovering around my mind right now, controlling my thoughts, stopping me from communicating properly.

 

So its seems as though i'm already out of this world. And for some stupid reason I have made no attempt to get back in. The other day i cut so hard into my wrists, that they bled for a long time. But i frakishly enjoyed it. until the next few days when my wrists canned and I found it so hard to play my instruments and wirte at school. And everyone was like whats the matter with you (and in there eyes I could seethey added freak to the end of that question) and i couldn' tell them.

 

During art someone grabbed my wrists to giv me paint because I was off in my own world and i had to run to the toilets and run them under water, it hurt so much, and the poor guy didnt no what he did.

 

I feel as though I can no longer hide from people the way I do. and I enjoy not always being in this world. But what I want to know is, what if theres another one, thats worse. then i will make a massve mistake.

[Bethany]

Nobody knows what's on the other side, but I do feel that the people who commit suicide that it's a place of regret.

When they are dead, I'm sure they VERY MUCH regret not turning to the people who now stand at looking at their dead body in a coffin crying and in shock and disbelief wondering why they didn't they turn to them for help? But I am sure more than anything that they regret giving the people who loved them and who they loved back the very same misery that they themselves ran away from.

[becallamjr]

I myself do believe that your emotions are carried with you through death. I believe that if you live a good life anything that has been a stain on your emotional track will be wiped clean. I think the next life is a new beginning, but it can only be a new beginning if you finish this one first. Honestly life is a pain in the * * * and for those who suffer from what we suffer from, it is even harder. I know things seem meek and worthless right now, but if you decide to "go", you will miss out on all those happy times you will have in your lifetime. Think back, when you were younger, can you recall a time when you were happy? Just a memory is all you need. Concentrate on it. That should be your focus, focus on that memory alone and strive to get there. I will not lie to you. It is the hardest journey and you might find yourself at times feeling even lower than you do now. If you can make it, it is the best feeling in the world to wake up on a beautiful sunny day and actually feel happy. No, for me it's not everyday, sometimes I go for months and months feeling like * * * *, but the few days that I don't are what keeps me going. I hope you too will strive to get there. I want you to know you have made a friend here.

[coppergold]

I jate the past, i wil hate the present and the future.

your making this alot harder, i'm sorry, but somedays its just pointless to be here.

Whats the point going on if happiness never comes??

 

you no i do get happy. thinking i won' be here soon, but then i get all upset because im happy, i dnt want to die, so then i feel depressed again. well that sounds like i'mnot always, what i meant is that, it never goes. It just gets stronger some days, and everytime i feel low enough to come on here, its strong.

[Dako]

I feel as though I can no longer hide from people the way I do.

 

Then don't hide, get help. You'll feel better and you'll discover what can be done for you.

[NikE-ElitE]

ok i have been where you are, to everyoone i seemed fine and that i had everything, friends , parent , record athlete at my school but i wsnt ok. I needed a attitude adjustment and in a weird way that came through when i tried to kill myself by taking pills. this showed me how much i have and that we all need sometimes to fall completely to start raising ourselves. Thes trouble will never completely go away but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, wiser , and tougher. The feeling that you feel that it seems like your to tired to go on and you want eternal sleep is a hard thing to get out of but if you want help yull get it and yull survive with the help of God ull make it. Ill pray for you, that yull have peace of mind. Your in my thoughts...

[Bethany]

I jate the past, i wil hate the present and the future.

your making this alot harder, i'm sorry, but somedays its just pointless to be here.

Whats the point going on if happiness never comes??

 

you no i do get happy. thinking i won' be here soon, but then i get all upset because im happy, i dnt want to die, so then i feel depressed again. well that sounds like i'mnot always, what i meant is that, it never goes. It just gets stronger some days, and everytime i feel low enough to come on here, its strong.

 

There is a way out of this and to be happy again and it's to understand that your depressed mind is talking you into believing that stuff is true when it's not true and you really do have so much to life for and lots of happiness is infront of you. It's why it's called depression, because it IS so damn depressing!!!

 

Happiness will NEVER come if you keep believing that. The truth about depression and this may seem like an odd thing to say but Depression LIES. It talks you into believing that stuff is true and because our emotions are weary, we start to believe it. Don't believe it ok, IT'S NOT TRUE. Stay strong and believe us instead ok.

 

Dako is right, you should go and see a doctor, he can give you something to stop these depressed thoughts giving you no way out when there is one and making you feel so down.

[Dako]

People all over the world are being treated for depression and rediscovering life. Years ago they were treated with crude drugs that only masked the problem. Today there are a number of milder meds and methods of therapy that work. None of these things are a complete cure, but to ignore these options is the biggest mistake possible.

Why not get help?

[becallamjr]

Copper, all you got to do is reach out and ask for help and it will be given to you. I know suicide seems like a great idea and some days its a great idea to me as well. But, cmon at least try to help yourself before you go. If you still want to go after you have helped yourself then so be it, but at least you tried.

[coppergold]

Ok, thursady night i had paremts evening, hey all told my mum, i was in my own world, well unorganized, and at the rate i'm going ot gonna pass gsces, my mum said she felt like crying of disappointment. I never felt so bad.

so i took a load of pills i found in my nans cupboard. I dnt wot they are, but i took alot, left note by my side, and wen off in 2 a sleep, i was awoken by my alarm clock, and throughout school on friday i was sick alot. so i guess i'm still here. I dnt want to make my mum cry, or anyone so i can not go and seek help, cuz they wil find out. it will make things so much worse. They wont take me serious, it will be seen as a stupid joke, and they will just here wot they want, and make fun of me for saying that, alkong wih everything else. so sorry guys.

but i am gonna take ur advice and hold on to good memories, i cant see any from the past cuz i now dnt understad why i ound them fun, but i had band practise with one of my bands yesturday , and got a gig soon. thats probally why i'm still here. I hope ur right, becuz that lil gig doesn't seem like enough to hold.

[becallamjr]

Copper, go get help. Who cares what anyone else thinks. If your not happy, does it really matter if anyone else is happy? I figured out that life is all about the pursuit of one's own happiness. Nothing more, nothing less. If your not happy, life is not worth living. Go seek help, it doesn't matter if they find out. They will understand in time because they love you and you know that.

[coppergold]

For the past 2 days i have stolen a large amount of alcohol and having now got wasted twice on my own in a school night, two nights in a row. how * * * *ing stupid, yet i'll probally do it again. I just sit in my room at night, pretending to be asleep and drown myself with vodka, gin, and baileys. Whilst cutting my writs, it is getting harder 2 cover them up with my sweat bands becuz i have ran out of room on both my wrists. I'm so ficking stupid now that i tell my teacher i need the toilet or feel sick or can i go and get tissue??? and i just sit there. in the toilets and cut my wrists with my beloved steak knife. If they new i had that in, it wouldn't be good.

Every weekend i go to locals gigs, it used to be to see friends, get drunk and maybe stoned. but it was to have a laugh. But now i go there, and get as many drugs in me as i can. I have bruses up my arms from it. I cant wear sweat bands over those. But they arnt to obvious thank god.

 

this cant go on matey, ur right.

[becallamjr]

Copper, I'm not gonna tell you not to drink or self medicate because I would be a hyprocrite if I did. I've done more drugs than our ages combined together. Coke, snorted heroin, meth, weed, acid, shrooms, E, pretty much everything cept crack.Self medicating makes it worse in the long run. It makes it so much harder to go get help. Your on a downward spiral, you need to seek out help. If your gonna cut yourself, the thighs are a good place to hide it and the hips. I'm just gonna be blunt, if you continue to do what you are doing to yourself and refuse to go get help, you'll be dead soon. You've got my support.

[Dako]

Coppergold,

Getting help would help others in your condition who follow these threads.

At least lay off the booze, since it only increases your depression.

[becallamjr]

Weed makes the depression worse than the booze, so pick one not both.