shellbelle Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I'm confused and need advice. I have been going out with this guy for 3 months, we get on really well and when we are together I feel really comfortable. He is the kindest most caring guy I've been with and I have never felt so comfortable with someone even intimately and we have fun together. I told him the other day that I was not sure about us. Obviously he asked me why and the only answer I could give him was that I was basing it on 'gut feeling and intuition'. Am i being fair to him, I am finding this hard and do not know what this feeling is based on. What should I do? Am I stupid basing splitting up just on my gut feeling and intuition? Link to comment
NJRon Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 It's a little odd to have a gut feeling like that after 3 months and yet have absolutely no red flags to base it on. Are you sur ethere is nothing that is glaring? If not, do you have general commitment issues? Link to comment
kadvati79 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 You obviously have some feelings or concerns deep down, what are they? Only once you identify those true feelings can you make any accurate decisions. "Gut feeling and intuition" tends to come from subconscious feelings that we might not want to admit to ourselves. If we haven't admited them, then we don't have the chance to critically analyse them. Once you have identified those feelings, and "wargamed" them inside your head, talk with a friend (or here), and then - talk to your guy. Link to comment
Darketernal Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Everyone deserves a chance, and your not giving it to him. That gut feeling of yours is more likely fear for commitment. Anyway never go into a relationship thinking it will work out just because it concerns you , a guy can pack his bag and leave each day. Every day is a gift , and if i where you i would just enjoy him as much as you can. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Hi, You didn't give many details, but what you did indicate is this guy really gives you a secure feeling of being loved. I'm a little concerned about the wording you chose in your title...should you "dump" him...that kind of comes accross as rather callous, to tell you the truth, especially if this guy is as great as you say in your post. You mention a nagging feeling you have...could that nagging feeling simply be unfamiliarity with being treated so well? I can tell you right now that if you aren't, you are going to have feelings of uncertainty and yes, even a lack of passion, simply because you previously equated love with thrilling rollercoaster emotions of being headily exhilarated one moment, and despondently let down the next. When we meet someone that is consistently good to us, we don't experience those ups and down. So we assume, "this isn't real love, then." And because we have this "feeling" we decide to terminate what could be the best thing that ever happened to us. I read a profound post on another thread about how people in general today choose to enter and exit relationships based on their "feelings" rather than their logic. Perhaps you will get some insight on this, as I did, after reading this person's post: Link to comment
Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I am the victim of the feeling you are having. If this guy is being good to you, be good back or end it. He is a good guy, he's right in front of you! Go with it I say. Stop questioning, analyzing, wondering, just take what you have and move with it. One day when you're without it, you may wonder, what could've happened. Link to comment
Tex1907 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 That gut feeling of yours could be anything, so you will have to be a little more specific. Are you sure there is not someone else out there who you would like to be with? Are you afraid to be in a committed relationship at the moment? Whatever the case may be, you need to inform your partner of this gut feeling. He deserves to know that you are having second thoughts about the relationship. You never know. Maybe it is a mutual feeling. Once you talk with him it will help you to figure out where this "gut feeling" is coming from. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Scout, I agree with you, sometimes those who have gone through relationships where they were mistreated or where the relationship has been full of tumoil, commotion, and up and down roller coaster rides, when the person meets someone that actually treats them decently and does what they say will do, mean what they say, etc., that person can lose the feelings for him/her because they are not used to it. Sometimes, the best thing is to take it for what it is and be happy with it and run with it and then see what happens down the road. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Thanks, Renaissancewoman. And one day, you'll find yourself with that guy. He'll be wonderful to you and wonderful to your guinea pigs! Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 First of all...welcome to ENA! Secondly, you sure do sound like my most recent ex... I don't know what to tell you. You can't argue with your intuition. If it's not "there", it not "there"...and you may never figure out why...and the more you try, the more confused you'll become... Don't lead him on, intuition is very powerful and is almost always "right"...so I say let him go... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Scout, I agree with you, sometimes those who have gone through relationships where they were mistreated or where the relationship has been full of tumoil, commotion, and up and down roller coaster rides, when the person meets someone that actually treats them decently and does what they say will do, mean what they say, etc., that person can lose the feelings for him/her because they are not used to it. Sometimes, the best thing is to take it for what it is and be happy with it and run with it and then see what happens down the road. Hey thanks for posting this! I'm essentially the guy she is talking about above (in my last relationship), same situation. It's comforting and insightful to read this... Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Hi everyone, It ws my post that Scout posted on here ( thanks Scout ). I really do believe that love is a choice we make, and that feelings shouldn't be our primary barometre for measuring how good our relationships are. Okay, in regards to intutition... intutition is not all it's cracked up to be. When you are in a relationship, most people want to go " home " --- to what is familiar, what they have always known. If all your relationships have been chaotic, abusive, emotionally void, primarily sexual, that is what home represents to you. That is what feels comfortable to you, even though it is very unhealthy. So when you are in a healthy relationship unlike what you have always known, it may not feel right. Sure, you'll recognize that it's healthy and good, but it won't feel right to you or really affect you. That's not intuition telling you that it's not right, that's just feeling like a fish out of water. If you can break the pattern, you can develop a very healthy attraction to that person and a great relationship. As well, some people have the doubitng disease called ocd. I have relationship ocd, which is where I obsessively doubt my relationship. You spend all your time analysing your relationship to see if it feels right, and feel enormous anxiety when you can't find the answer. There are all kinds of mental compulsions that go along with obsessing doubting to try relieve your anxiety, and it leaves you feeling like you don't love or care about your partner, leaves you feeling like your relationship is not right. That's not intuition, although I used to think that's what it was. That's an illness. I've split with my boyfriend twice in 5.5 months, both times in moments of high anxiety and doubt. This time around I'm resolving to make the choice to be with him, because sure, I could go out in search of someone who is just like him but doesn't do x number of things that annoy me or don't live up to my expectations, but I would inevitably find something inadequate about that person too. Alot of times this feeling that things aren't " right " has more to do with our own feelings of inadequacy to choose the right partner, it really doesn't have much to do with the other person. It has to do with our own unrealistic expectations. This post is not intended to be preachy. Just don't do anything rash, you might regret it. Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Renaissancewoman101, I didn't mean to step on your toes. I totally agree with what you said, I just repeated everything. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 I don't know what to tell you. You can't argue with your intuition. If it's not "there", it not "there"...and you may never figure out why...and the more you try, the more confused you'll become... Don't lead him on, intuition is very powerful and is almost always "right"...so I say let him go... See Frisco, I don't agree with this. In fact, Cyberchick is making a very good case in her posts for not relying on unexplained feelings to determine whether or not if you'll give a promising relationship a fair shake. The OP's boyfriend sounds like a great guy, at least worth the time to try and get to the bottom of those feelings. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Cyberchick, your description about relationship OCD is very similar to something I suffer from. I have a tendency to overanalyze everything that goes on in a relationship be it a friendship, a work relationship, an actual relationship with a significant other, and even my everyday dealings with my parents. I am always worried about what people think of me, did I offend people, are people mad at me, etc, etc. That takes a major toll on me, esp my nerves and my anxiety. That is one reason why it takes a lot for me to go out and make friends and/or find a new bf. I tend to like to stick with people I know, like my best friend, because it is familiar to me. Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Renaissancewoman, if you want to learn more about this type of ocd, which is known as pure obsessional ocd, go to , there is an article on pure - o. Also, there are a couple of discussion forums, and which have been helpful for me. For me, with this rocd, I overanalyze everything about him and about our relationship: is he funny enough, do we have enough chemistry, am I attracted to him, why don't I want to have sex with him more, etc. I constantly compare us to other happy couples to see if we measure up or if we are good together. In the beginning, when the rocd hit me, I spent hours on the internet googling all my obsessions about us, doing love quizes. Actually, my rocd is what brought me to this site in the first place. I was looking for answers that I can never find. I will never know if we are right for each other. I'm just taking a chance and trying not to let this ocd get in my way. If you are at all concerned you could have ocd, maybe try to get in with an ocd specialist and see what he or she has to say. Make sure you find someone who knows about pure obsessional ocd. You could have relationship substantiated ocd, but you need a professional opinion. If you need to talk, my email address is link removed[/i]"]europe03@link removed. Take care. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Wow, Cyberchick...it's like you dropped out of the sky. I have really needed to read what you've been saying. It clarifies so much for me. Thanks a million for sharing this. Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 I'm glad I could help. Believe me, learning all this has clarified so much for me as well. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 See Frisco, I don't agree with this. In fact, Cyberchick is making a very good case in her posts for not relying on unexplained feelings to determine whether or not if you'll give a promising relationship a fair shake. The OP's boyfriend sounds like a great guy, at least worth the time to try and get to the bottom of those feelings. This situation is essentially what happened to me not-too-long ago and I do believe I am biased to the side of protecting this guy's heart... The fact of the matter is, every post on here is correct (and actually very profound), in theory, but the reality of the situation is regardless of who's generating this feeling of wrongness within her, it is there, and it is so early in the relationship that it isn't on solid ground already before these issues came up. We'd all like to think that she can work on these issues, figure them out, find solutions, and they'll live happily ever after, but I think this situation is far, far more complicated and time-consuming than that... Again, everything said here is right on in theory but I believe it will take this woman a while to break out of her thought patterns if she commits to and sticks with that process and in the meantime, this poor guy is going to go through the wringer...and I think with the chips already stacked against them like this, this relationship has a slim chance (not impossible though) of surviving long-term... I speak from a bit of a jaded heart here because I have been this guy and I know firsthand how much it takes out the boyfriend on the other end of this woman's issues...and let me tell you...I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy... You want to see? You want to see what can happen to this guy? Read this post right here... A letter to myself... So everything that was said above is really good information...but I have "been there and done that" and feel my opinion should be considered here as well based on that merit...exact same situation...changing someone's intuition is a daunting task indeed... Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 HI Frisco, I'm sorry about what you went through, I can see it from your side. It must have been a really trying time for you. I still hold to my argument that that unexplained feeling isn't always intuition. Intuition comes from knowing yourself extremely well, you have to go through alot of layers until you can get to your intuition. And I do not believe that just because you are not 100% completely and totally sure about a relationship at 3 months it doesn't mean that it is not worth pursuing. If people can have doubts in their relationship years down the road it makes sense to me that they can have doubts a few months into the relationship. They both have to decide if they want to continue the relationship, him and her. If he doesn't think he can handle the stress that she is going through, then he has to decide if he wants to walk. And she would have to undersand that. It's not easy for either of them. I'm pretty lucky, I have a bf who is incredibly patient through my times of anxiety, he never once turned his back on me. These days I'm a big proponent of just living with the doubt and see what happens. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 So everything that was said above is really good information...but I have "been there and done that" and feel my opinion should be considered here as well based on that merit...exact same situation...changing someone's intuition is a daunting task indeed... Frisco, I have actually been following your story and am impressed with how well you express your thoughts, observations, and things you have discovered. Also, I enjoy your posts on other threads, and it's clear you have a generosity and kindness of spirit, not to mention an accute ability to size up the reality of certain situations. So, while I was disagreeing with your take on this particular issue, I still respect your opinions. Just so you know. I agree that the likelihood of this poster actually taking the time to work through some of these feelings and change her thought patterns is probably slim, simply based on how long it took me to learn many of these lessons (I'm 36 and finally in a relationship where I can apply them). Plus, where is the OP, lol? I hope some of this feedback is at least sparking some new ways of looking at her situation. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Hey thanks for the replies Scout and Cyberchick. Call it "intuition", call it a "unexplained feeling", call it whatever, I just think if there is a negative feeling strong enough and the situation serious enough for this woman to seek help from us, it isn't going to be resolved simply... I've been that guy who's been patient, caring, and been "there for" someone who "just doesn't know about all this" or "has a feeling something isn't right" and gotten burned...big time... So really I should be posting to the guy and telling him all this... Am I jaded concerning this situation? Yep. Are your arguments valid. Yep. Are we all here to help each other out by adding our own spin on things? Yep. Do we all wish these two a happy and fulfilling relationship? Absolutely! And yeah, where did the OP go anyway????? Link to comment
Lansing Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Interesting thread.. It makes me think about the girl that I recently dated... After a while, she called me up one night and told me that she was feeling insecurities,etc,etc.. at the time, I wasn't really sure what she was saying and I kind of let her walk away without saying much. I have since tried to contact her again after a couple of weeks of thinking but she hasn't returned my phone call.... I don't know if I should bother to pursue it... I like her.. but, I mean, it was only a month of dating. I don't want to have to keep chasing after her! So, back to the original poster... Figure out what feels wrong... Are you just afraid of the possibility of finally finding someone that is right for you? Or is there a lack of physical attraction? (i.e.. he is too giving, wussy?) Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 I don't want to have to keep chasing after her! Good man. This is key. If you're the one "doing" everything, it ain't right bro...I chased my last ex for over a year like this...what a disaster... Link to comment
Cyberchick Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 The whole situation is so difficult to advise on when you don't know all the details. I only know my unique past, and I know what I have put my current boyfriend through because of my doubts. I have given him the option so many times to walk because I would totally understand if he would. But I have this feeling, even through these doubts, that the issue is with me. I have a doubting disease and it really doesn't matter how great he is, I will always find something to doubt about him. But I'm not giving into the doubts. I'm taking a blind leap and staying because I think we've got the potential for something awesome. That being said, I totally sympathize with your stories. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now