He is afraid to commit and now he needs space....

[sweetsparkle]

I've been dating a guy for about two months now. We got together a few months after he ended a really bad relationship. He tells me that he really likes me and is into me, but is not ready for a serious relationship yet because he just got out of a bad one and needs time. He also told me how bad he is in relationships and that his ex-gf called him "cold." So during this time, we've been casually dating, seeing each other about once a week.

 

Well this past weekend, I started to tell him that I wanted more. I think this completely freaked him out because the next day, he didn't even bother calling me, which he usually does on a daily basis. When I finally called him, he told me that he didn't want to talk about it, that I knew how he felt and that now he needs space.

 

It has been about 3 days since we last spoke. Now I'm scared that I lost him forever. Do you think he really just needs space or do you think this is it? What should I do?

[HaloDestroyer]

Calm down immediately...

 

He's telling you that he needs space, and you need to give that to him.

 

If you really are concerned that he will choose to leave, or you just really want to hear his voice, call him, and tell him that you're always there for him, whatever he decides.

 

My guess is he will come to the conclusion that you're trying to help, and be supportive, and that he needs you in his life.

 

Hope this helps...

[melrich]

I do think he really needs space. Unfortunately that is usually a metaphor for "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" and it seems that is what this guy has basically told you.

 

I don't think you have much choice but to give him the space he wants, any pressure you put on him is only likely to drive him further away.

[friscodj]

Well, here's my honest opinion. You've known this guy for only 2 months. He threw up some red flags with his initial comments about being bad in relationships, ex calling him cold, etc. And he straight-up told you he isn't ready for a relationship...this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen...

 

I say muster the dignity and walk away from this one...there are much better situations awaiting you... Do it soon before you get in deeper I think...

[RayKay]

Well, I would say you should walk away from this one and take some good lessons from it.

 

When someone tells you "they aren't ready for a serious relationship" it means just that, never mind adding on to that his ex called him cold! That tells me this guy just is not interested, and he let you know it a long time ago.

 

Sorry honey, but I just don't think he is interested in anything "serious" and unless you are happy with a casual relationship that won't really go anywhere, I say you walk away now from it.

[OceanEyes]

Frisco mentioned something I thought immediately after I read your post:

 

You've known this guy for only 2 months.

 

You've only been seeing each other once a week for two months? That would mean that you've seen him around 8 times, and he already needs "space"? Although I'm sure this is tough for you right now, I don't think that this 'relationship' is something that you should get your hopes up on.

[sweetsparkle]

thanks for the advice. i'm not sure if i'm ready to walk away yet BUT this whole situation has got me thinking about potential problems. oh and to clarify, i've known him for about 4 years already. we met in college briefly but after graduation, we both left for different parts of the world but kept in touch via IM and email. i recently moved back to NYC and then we started seeing each other.

 

so, yes. i know he does have commitment issues because we talked about it back in the days when we were friends.

 

but the problem is i still like him and want to continue dating him, at least for now.

[friscodj]

but the problem is i still like him and want to continue dating him, at least for now.

 

Do think you're going to change him? Fix him? Work on him? Don't really care about all that and are just in it to have fun?

 

We'll be here for you when your heart gets broken...

[sweetsparkle]

gosh, i'm so confused now. i've never been in a situation like this before. i guess a part of me is hoping that what he said about liking me and wanting things to work out but just needing some time is all true. i'm hoping that things will get better when he is ready. but all of you seem to disagree and believe that he will never be ready to commit or have a serious relationship with me.

 

do you have any other advice? especially on his needing space issue? our mutual friend told me that he thinks i'm pressuring him too much. he likes being with me and wants to take it one step at a time and see where it goes. but i, on the other hand, want a real relationship.

[RayKay]

Well, you can't "force" a real relationship - even "real" ones start somewhere and develop over time. You still need to go through that process of deciding and finding out how you work together as a couple, and whether you both want a 'serious relationship'.

 

I say you back off, give him space if he wants it and see what happens and revisit it in a week or two. Just note that if he seems unwilling to talk about it, or to ever take it any further then once a week dates, you may have different goals for this relationship's future. Don't settle.

 

But honestly, in my experiences and those of friends, when a guy says he needs space and is not ready for a serious relationship....it means he is not planning on committing to you and does not see you in that way. He may have fun, and enjoy your company but he is not ready to be "all yours" so to speak.

[friscodj]

do you have any other advice? especially on his needing space issue? our mutual friend told me that he thinks i'm pressuring him too much. he likes being with me and wants to take it one step at a time and see where it goes. but i, on the other hand, want a real relationship.

 

The way I see it, if he was really into you and into having a relationship with you, the concept of "space" wouldn't even cross his mind...let alone telling you about it...

 

You want a relationship, he doesn't. There's your answer.

[sbrew21]

hey chica, i Private Messaged you

[OceanEyes]

I was one of those people who "needed space" from my relationship. I didn't bring it up here because the situation was much different, in that we had already been together for almost 2 years, and I knew that he loved me. We just couldn't make it work at the time because of factors outside of our relationship. We took a two-month break, but got back together.

 

Nobody can predict the future. Perhaps he does feel pressured and isn't ready to 'take the plunge' just yet. It's really up to you to decide whether or not you feel like sticking around, waiting to see if he changes his mind. But be aware that you're trying to change him already -- he's basically already confessed that he's not good in relationships, which leads me to believe that he was saying, "I don't want to BE in a relationship".

 

He's saying that he needs "space" because he knows that you want more from him than he can give you right now. Of course you're going to wait and 'see how it goes' for the next little while, but I wouldn't wait for very long.