Are outside crushes ok?

[njguy20]

Hi

 

I live in new jersey and im 21 and in college. My g/f is a year older and we ahve a great relationship with each other. We are both very honest and loving toward each other. We have our differences at times but we always are able to come to compromises and talk with each other. The other day she told me hesitantly that she essentially has a small crush on another guy at work( same age as me). She has reassured me that she loves ME and that nothing will come of it. But this is the second time this guy has come up. She tells me that she only talks to him at work and is attracted to him but is committed and in love with me. I just want to know if this is something i should worry about? Is it ok for your lover to have a crush on another? Is this a normal occurrence? What should i look for to see if something really is developing despite her reassurences? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. Im new so go easy

[puppy]

hi

 

Given your gf has reassure you of the things with the other guy, then I would trust her and leave this matter to rest. Remember, trust is one of the factors relevant to a relationship.

 

If one day that trust is broken, then you can decide what you should do.

 

Good luck!

 

Woof Woof!

[mystik]

hi there, welcome!

 

I'd say you should trust her since she is being so honest. Seeing she is this open and honest with you, is a good sign. It doesn't seem like she would be the type to cheat or anything like that.

 

BUT (I know, there's always a but)... this crush of hers was meaningful enough for her to mention. I'm wondering why she did it. When I am in a relationship, yeah sometimes I have mini-crushes on other guys...the standard "that cashier at the grocery store" or "that really cute guy in my English class" but those are just other males I like to look it...everyone can still find members of the opposite sex attractive, that's normal. It's not like suddenly everyone else is ugly. Personally though, I don't know why she bought it up if it's something small like that or not even an issue, and twice - as you said. Maybe she is just really-really honest, and in that case, do trust her. Honestly though, I would be a little concerned if she continues to mention his name - she might be trying to convince herself of her committment to you.

[Kaia]

I second mystik. I think she is telling the truth as well (that she is in love with you, and doesn't want much to do with that guy). But by telling you, maybe she wants to see some actions and it was not just a "FYI" basis.

 

So ask her about it, maybe she doesn't know what she wants from you either. Life is confusing. Just reassure her that you want to be a better person for her and not taking her for granted. I think your relationship will grow further after some communications but you two need to talk about it. Just remember don't talk about it in a defensive way, be open and believe her when she says she loves you.

[HaloDestroyer]

Firstly, welcome to eNotAlone, friend!! Sorry it has to be under such grim tidings...

 

I disagree with the other posters.

 

My relationship is built on total trust, and one-ness. We tell each other everything, because neither of us has anyone else in our lives.

 

However, she knows that if she ever even looked at another man in that way, I would know instantly, and leave her. And if I looked at another girl, the same would happen.

 

So really it depends on the relationship. If you're comfortable with your g/f looking at other men, then power to you, you're a lot more tolerant than me. However, if you're just putting up with it because you love her, then I think it's time to have a serious talk with her about trust. A crush potentially could develop into something else. All you have to do is search in the infidelity sub-forums on this site to see that. However, equally, it could go nowhere.

 

Unfortuantly, if this was me, that small chance that something *COULD* happen would be way too much for me to handle.

 

Hope this helps...

[friscodj]

I think it's perfectly normal to have crushes on other people while in a relationship. Crushes are really just hormones flowing...and we can't control those...

 

The fact that she told you is good. It shows openness and trust in the relationship. How to handle it? If it were me, I'd tease her about it! Ask her, "Hey, how's your backdoor man doing these days anyway? How's that affair working out for you?" Keep it fun...and as long as she jokes back, you're fine I think...

[njguy20]

thanks for replying so quickly!

 

i feel welcome already.

 

We are both the kind of people who believe trust and honesty walk hand in hand with a good relationship. I do trust her and we are always very honest with each other. Sometimes that honesty can hurt us but, in the long run we are thankful for it. I think she told me because she felt guilty for having such feelings. I did get a little upset about it but i kept my cool and didnt explode. I did however express that it made me uneasy that she was having these feelings, especially since it was a second occasion. But what she has told me is that it is nothing more than a distant crush and that the other guy might not even like her. I love her so much that i try my hardest to understand her actions and feelings before i react to things. I thought about this instance over the past two days very much and we did have a talk about things. She has reassured me that its nothing more than a crush and we talked about people whom we've seen and been attracted to, and always come to the conclusion that we are right for each other. We do connect on a level that is beyond our years. We have been together for 2yrs this february and we both look forward to the day we get married. We talk about it regularly but never put any pressure on making it happen. Its almost like we fell into each other's laps after similar struggles in life and were lucky enough to open up to each other and find a love that will endure. I love her, i really love her so much i cant describe it. I know that she loves me and she has proved it again and again. I just have to let this blow past me and be confident in our love. If something does happen then i must deal with it the best i can. But i dont see that happening. Thank you for your advice, i am starting to feel better. Mystik, i think your words rang true for me and i thank you for being so honest. I must admit that i have been attracted to other women before but i never forget who i love. I have to believe that she feels the same way as me. Thanks again.

[njguy20]

Thanks for the opinion,

 

I know how awful it can be to not trust the person you are with. Myself and my g/f both came out of relationships where we were lied to and cheated on, both ended badly, very badly. So we both appreciate honesty even when it hurts to hear certain things. I noticed that you are 18, which tells me you probably havent gotten too far out on your own yet in life, so i can understand why you wouldnt take such risks. Honestly you dont have to. If at anytime you deem your partner unfaithful or untrustworthy then you have a right to end the relationship, BUT its very important to hear their side of the story and at least attempt to understand their feelings. If you "beat around the bush" about troublesome topics, they will eventually blow up later on. Im not a fan of "just let it go", maybe for a time, but not forever. small problems always grow bigger if not dealt with. You are young enough not to have to worry about long term relationships and if you have such a strict attitude i suggest not carrying on any serious relationships until you are ready to let someone control your heart. Thats really the commitment of love, after you have grown with a person and felt their attraction, observed their little nuances, meet with their life goals, and deeply understand your feelings for them, you must have the ability to say "I love You" and mean it in a way that is saying "i give myself to you." It means letting someone look at you naked(in a matter of speaking) and accept you, and pick out your faults, but accept those as well, and help you become a better person. If you are not ready to do that, you will never be comfortable in a long term relationship. It is litterally a give and take on ALL levels while understanding your mate in good times and in bad. Sorry for talking so much, but i feel like you may be a bit too jumpy in that department. Showing trust is the first step to gaining it. You have to let the one you love make mistakes and understand that they will, but that they still love you. Of course, you will know when they are using you or have been lying about their feelings. That is when it is time to make choices about terminating the relationship. I hope that helps you

[Spectre22]

So I'm the only one who see's something wrong with this? People seem to be very confused and keep saying stuff like "its normal to have crushes on other people in relationships" when no..no its not. What's normal is to feel a physical attraction to members of the opposite sex, that is NOT the same as feeling a crush. A crush is when you have a physical attraction to someone combined with a small-medium emotional attatchment, bottom line. Thing is, if youre in a relationship where youre claiming to love someone? Then you shouldnt be getting emotionally attatched to any members of the opposite sex, because when you truly love someone, you only want them, bottom line, theres no loophole or special circumstances, it is what it is, if you are truly in love with someone, you will not cheat on them, you will not get crushes on other people. In conclusion, this girl doesn't love you, so if you love her, then I would advise you to end the relationship. People keep giving this girl props cuz she told you the truth, so? What if she did it just to get rid of any guilt she'd have? or to give you a heads up so she can say "told you so" when she cheats on you? Either way, trust isnt the only thing needed for a loving relationship, you kinda need love too, which is definitely lacking when one member of this relationship is confessing feelings for another, no matter how small they are.

[Aquarian-Princess]

So I'm the only one who see's something wrong with this? People seem to be very confused and keep saying stuff like "its normal to have crushes on other people in relationships" when no..no its not.

 

Yeah ur alone on that thought...and to clarify things...i found the definitions of the word crush.

 

crush Pronunciation (krsh)

v. crushed, crush·ing, crush·es

v.tr.

1. To press between opposing bodies so as to break or injure.

2. To break, pound, or grind (stone or ore, for example) into small fragments or powder.

3. To put down; subdue: crushed the rebellion.

4. To overwhelm or oppress severely: spirits that had been crushed by rejection and failure.

5. To crumple or rumple: crushed the freshly ironed shirt.

6. To hug, especially with great force.

7. To press upon, shove, or crowd.

8. To extract or obtain by pressing or squeezing: crush juice from a grape.

9. Archaic To drink; quaff.

v.intr.

1. To be or become crushed.

2. To proceed or move by crowding or pressing.

n.

1. The act of crushing; extreme pressure.

2. The state of being crushed.

3. A great crowd: a crush of spectators.

4. A substance prepared by or as if by crushing, especially a fruit drink: orange crush.

5. Informal

a. A usually temporary infatuation.

b. One who is the object of such an infatuation.

6. A decisive or critical moment or situation.

7. The process of stamping or crushing grapes for wine.

[keenan]

So I'm the only one who see's something wrong with this? People seem to be very confused and keep saying stuff like "its normal to have crushes on other people in relationships" when no..no its not. if you are truly in love with someone, you will not cheat on them, you will not get crushes on other people. In conclusion, this girl doesn't love you, so if you love her, then I would advise you to end the relationship.

 

Sorry, I disagree. Hopefully crushes are rare, but when they occur I think they're just little flashes of insight about who you are, and who you would be attracted to/interested in if you weren't in a serious, committed relationship. They don't mean that you don't love your SO 100% and want only to be with him/her...they mean that you're human and that you're alive, and are connecting with people in a normal, social way. It's usually spun up from a funny combination of friendship + admiration + enjoyment of the person's company + awareness that the person is physically attractive. I had a couple of very light crushes in my 10 year marriage, but I never, ever seriously had eyes for anybody other than my husband. He was top dog always, by a million miles. In one case, I stopped talking with a guy just so it wouldn't ever become more serious. I think my husband had a couple of similiar situations, too. We didn't talk about them much, though. It's partly about respect, and managing yourself well. It sounds like njguy and his gf are doing a good job.

 

Also, I agree with friscodj about the teasing. Keep it light.