feeling helpless

[sissy]

I just don't know what to do anymore.....I feel like my world is crashing down around me, and I'm all alone. I used to believe in karma; treat others as you would like to be treated, what goes around comes around, good things happen to good people, etc. The last few years have sure blown that theory to crap.

 

My father is dying of stage five colon cancer; he's only 45 and every day is a struggle. It's so hard to think that he won't make it to Christmas, he won't be there for my graduation, and my baby brother will grow up without his daddy. When he starts talking about death I just want to scream! My mom and I feel so helpless, we want to help him feel better but we can't. He's on 4 different chemo drugs. One of them makes him extremely sensitive to temperature change (drinking anything with ice is agony for him), anothere is causing him to lose all feeling in his limbs (I had to help him get to the bathroom for the first time today). Last week he started a new one that'll cause him to break out in blisters all over his body. All we ever do anymore is cry and talk about death.

With everything that's happening at home, the rest of my world is rocking too. I try to do homework, but I just don't care anymore. I was awarded a scholarship to Harvard, but my grade slips have cause them to withdraw it (spending time with my dying father doesn't seem to be a good enough excuse fro anyone). I've decided not to leave home when I graduate, I just can't leave my mother alone with my brother (he's autistic), my grandfather (also has cancer) and grandmother, and all those medical bills.

I feel so selfish thinking about it, but I just can't help thinking that my chance at independence is going out the window and I'll never have time for myself again.

 

Is it wrong to feel mad at the people that are leaving you? (even if it's not their fault?)

[PassionatePices]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father sissy! I can't possibly imagine how you feel!

 

I wish i had the answers you seek i really do!

 

 

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

[sonjam]

No it is normal for you to feel angry and frightened. And cheated. You still have a long process to go through, in case the drugs help and he gets better... but if he doesn't then you have an even harder road to walk. It will not be forever... but it will take awhile.

 

Get your dad to write letters that you can keep for your little brother to read when he gets older, on his birthdays etc... just in case, and make scrapbooks with him now, when he's feeling up to it. Talk about your life with him, talk about the past, and spend quality time with him. Try not to talk about death and when he won't be around anymore (besides the stuff that has to be said.) Build memories, and make his last days special.