The art of making friends

[renaissancewoman101]

After being in a new city for over a month, I am starting to go out and make friends. Making friends is not an easy process for me. I can tend to meet people but not always make friends with them because it can be hard for me to open up. I have met some people both here and up by where my best friend lives, so the process is coming along, although in the beginning stages. Once I find a job, I know the process will come along even better.

 

Now, to my question, when you go out to make friends, you usually want to do stuff with them, hang out with them, etc., then how do you tell if you are being too pushy and scaring off your potential friends? Do you let your friends initiate most activities, or can you do it too, once in a while?

 

I am not someone who is socially inept. I can go out and meet people and get involved and I am trying. Next Sat I am going out to meet up with some people from a guinea pig site. They are having a pignic where people bring their guinea pigs to do a meet and greet with the pigs and with the owners and I know the lady who is running it. I am hoping to make some friends from there since a lot of them do live around the San Diego area and we all share the same interests, guinea pigs. I just havent gone out to make friends in a long time and I am a bit rusty at it. When I was living in Milwaukee, I had friends that I knew from other people and I started meeting people from school and at work.

[Beec]

I always found that meeting people with similar interests was hte best way to make friends. So, if there are other things you are interested in you can seek others with those interests.

 

How to know when they want more contact with you or not, I think you need to read both body language and read between the lines of their words and conduct. No easy clues on how to learn to do this, besides maybe study up on body language.

 

How to get them to want to talk to you more, that's easier. Best clue, listen. People feel appreciated when they talk and you listen, and that is something they will want to feel more. Listen with your ears and eyes and the rest of your body. If I had two quick references that might help: Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influenece People (the Bible); and The Art of Mingling by Jeanne Martinet.

[renaissancewoman101]

Listening to people is something that I do very well. I like listening to people and being there for them. I do that with my best friend. I listen to him when he goes through problems with his bf, his work, etc. I listen to some of my other friends from home complain about life, etc. Listening and being there for people is something I like doing.

 

I have a hard time reading body language. I guess I can be a blockhead when it comes to that because, with me, sometimes you have to hit me on the head with a 2x4 before I can see what is behind the words. With making new friends, should you just let them initiate most of the stuff to do, or should you initiate some activities?

[krissbrown]

I think you can tell by conversations how much someone would like to be your friend. If their interested in what you have to say, ask interested questions about your life, compliment you etc.

Also its ok to initiate plans, if they cancel or make excuses then you can tell they dont want to be that close.

 

I think its a natural instinct to feel if someone like you.

[renaissancewoman101]

Krissbrown, my instincts havent always been correct, that is why I like to ask other people's opinion about things. I dont want to put my foot in my mouth when it comes to making friends. I know I sometimes should just not care and be open to friendship, but I tend to like to do anything to lessen chances of being looked on as a fool.

 

Esp with these people from the guinea pig forum. I have been on that forum since 2002 and a lot of people have been on there for that long, and I have met up with some of them before, when I was living in Wisconsin. I learned most people dont want people to think bad of them, so they put on their best behavior when out. I am looking forward to meeting some of the people from Southern CA and San Diego next Sat at the piggie pignic, since I have been in email contact with a few of them already and we all share a love of guinea pigs.

[Caldus]

My rule of thumb is: if you're trying too hard (and thinking too hard) to get a potential friend, then you might be better off finding other people.

[renaissancewoman101]

Caldus, I see your point. It isnt good to try too hard to make a friend, otherwise it just isnt worth it. In regards to the people from the guinea pig messageboard, a lot of them have preconceived views of people and then a few of them have a nasty habit of posting on there, their preconceived view of you and either: 1)chasing you off the site, 2) making other people not like you. I have seen some of the old timers on that site chase off newbies because they came off not sounding right, or they were pro-breeding, etc. I have gotten into one or two tiffs with some of the old timers on there and have almost gotten chased off there and one or two people have said some nasty, biased things about me, on the public site.

 

That is what really worries me, I am going to meet some of these people from the guinea pig message board next Sat at a pignic, and I really want to make some friends there.

[annie24]

Is there a church you can start attending? Or try finding some clubs in the area? Or a dance class? Something weekly where you can go, and chit-chat with people before and after the meeting.

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie24, that is what I am trying to do now with getting involved with the people from the guinea pig messageboard. We all share a love of guinea pigs (I have 4 of my own) and there are quite a few members on there who live in So Cal. The lady who runs the local guinea pig rescue is hosting a pignic next Sat. and I am going to go to it so I can meet some people and maybe make some friends. When I was first going through my breakup in Wisconsin, I would drive 2 hours one way on Sat to help out with a guinea pig rescue, as my way of dealing with the pain of the breakup and of my best friend moving away.

[annie24]

Yeah, I think that's great!

 

But, I do think you should also find weekly meetings of some sort that you can attend. Look through your newspaper for events you may find interesting.

 

I take bellydancing lessons and I'm in a bellydance performance troupe, and I've met a lot of people that way too! Just somewhere where you see the same people every week.

[healinginnyc81]

I agree with annie24 that meeting the same people every week is a great way to make friends. I'm not the best at making friends but I met some of my friends by playing football with them every week.

 

But don't put pressure on yourself to be friendly with everyone the first time you see them. Just let people see who you are and give them time to get to know you. I learned that the hard way, because when I first started at college, I was trying too hard to get people to like me and it didn't work. They didn't really invite to go out with them or anything and they didn't really seem to like me for who I was. Now I don't really "try" to make friends. I just try to make connections with people by talking about things that interest me and see if they find it interesting too. If they don't, it's okay, but if they do, then you've made a friend.

 

Good luck.

[annie24]

Yeah, don't "try too hard."

 

Like, for example, if you start taking dance lessons, just talk to a few girls, here and there about random stuff, or be like, "Hey - how are we supposed to do that thing with our hands?"

 

I had to take bellydance lessons for quite a while, and see the girls every week for quite a while before they started inviting me to do stuff with them.

 

Don't try too hard. Just go with the flow.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know the wisdom behind the words of "dont try too hard". If you try too hard to be friends with people, you just come off as sounding desperate and that is not a good trait to have.

 

The guinea pig thing is a start. Besides guinea pigs, the only other things I really like to do is read, go shopping, travel, bicycle a bit (although I am a bit out of shape right now), and go for long drives. Most of what I do is very solitary type things. And if I make friends, I tend to like to do things one on one with friends. I dont do real well hanging out in groups, that is why I usually just go and hang with my best friend and his bf, or when I was in Wisconsin, the mutual friend of my ex.

 

Right now, I am going to start of with the guinea pig pignic. One little step at a time. But, I am starting to get out of my shell.

[Caldus]

Enjoy life alone and the friends will follow along in the ride.

[renaissancewoman101]

Caldus, I dont think that is really true. If you do too much stuff alone, you tend to become a loner and not have too many friends. I learned that the hard way. I live alone and I like that and a lot of the stuff I do, I like to do alone and when I was living in Wisconsin, I let many opportunities for friendship pass me by. My ex used to say that about me, that I was social and nice, but I never really wanted friendship from anybody because I never let anybody in to know me better on a personal level. Part of me is like that because I dont like being hurt. When I get hurt, it really destroys me a lot and it takes me a long time to heal. So, I dont always take chances.

[krissbrown]

I dont really know what to say. I have had made many friends in my lifetime but they all eventually end, due to the friend acting weird eventually- being cold, jealous, not returning my calls, making digs at me.

 

They say the #1 cause for friendships to fail is because of jealousy and I believe its true. People get jealous over the littlest things like having a better car, going to a better college, having new furniture, one friend got enraged with jealousy because my cat is beautiful and she started putting my cat down and making cutting remarks.

I wont put up with anyone who insults me anymore because their jealous.

 

I think finding a friend who is not jealous or a back stabber is an extremely difficult thing to do. People are weird.

 

I still take chances and make friends with new people but I never confide in anyone and trust them completely anymore.

 

Btw, I used to have alot of Guniea Pigs. Their very cute pets and smart. I had a long hair and short hair. The long hair always bullied the short haired one.

[renaissancewoman101]

Krissbrown, I love guinea pigs. I have 4 of them right now, three females and one neutered male. I have always loved guinea pigs because they are small, defenseless, creatures that are capable of providing a lot of love and joy for just a little care. All of my current pigs are short haired because I find short haired ones easy to care for.

 

As for friends, I dont have a lot of friends mainly because of most of my friends from college moved away to get married and have families. My best friend from college is still with me, otherwise, I do have a few friends that I still talk to from my old work.

[Aporia]

just be yourself around people and don't worry too much about it.

don't try and change any part of who you are

 

a true friend is for life and you'll know when you've got a true friend.

 

i noticed the main way in which you make friends is being somewhere around the same people everday/week ect. like starting school for the first time or college for example - your with these people everyday so you eventually make friends with them.

[Alabama]

I've always find that even though it is hard to make friends at times, many times it just comes naturally. I've been here at College and it was to make friends at first, but then things got better. I usually let my new friends initiate if they want to hang out, though I try to intiate things if I get the chance. Just be yourself, that is the most important thing. If your not, than your simply lying to your friends and you.

[Caldus]

Caldus, I dont think that is really true. If you do too much stuff alone, you tend to become a loner and not have too many friends. I learned that the hard way. I live alone and I like that and a lot of the stuff I do, I like to do alone and when I was living in Wisconsin, I let many opportunities for friendship pass me by. My ex used to say that about me, that I was social and nice, but I never really wanted friendship from anybody because I never let anybody in to know me better on a personal level. Part of me is like that because I dont like being hurt. When I get hurt, it really destroys me a lot and it takes me a long time to heal. So, I dont always take chances.

 

But wouldn't you rather enjoy being by yourself then always having to depend on other people to do that? I'm not saying don't make any friends in the first place, but that if you're trying so hard to make friends, then you need to reevaluate why you are looking for them. If you're using them as a means to an end, then I just don't think that's going to do you any good. If you just come accross them naturally (and connect with them naturally), then I think that situation has a lot more potential. Just my opinion.

[prozzack]

dont think to your self let them tell you

 

ask questions like do you wanna do somthign friday, that way your not really asking them to go to a speciic place nor have you made plans for them, its just like a wanna hang out sometime question