Breaking NC to get closure. Is it wise?

[drum4god]

My girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me a month ago. Here is the story in a nutshell. She was into me at first, but then became hot and cold with me. The last month she was totally indifferent. I confronted her on its, and she said she didn't have the same feelings. She said she sees I am ready to get married and she wants to go to school (I am 36 she is 29).

I was very hurt because I fell in love with her, but now my emotions are going from hurt to anger. I am mad at myself because I allowed her to hurt me. I wish I would have confronted her on things she did, but because I was afraid to rock the boat I didn't. That probably turned her off, and caused her to lose respect.

 

Here is my question. Do you think it would be helpful to break no-contact to tell her I didn't respect the way she treated me.

 

It would be something like.

 

I just contacted you to have some closure. I understand you said you didn't want to continue because you didn't feel the same way, and you wanted to go back to school. I understand that, and totally respect that. I can't change your feelings. However, I don't appreciate the way you went about it. First off you knew I was marriage minded. You knew that when we were friends. I also told you I don't like games, and wanted a serious relationship. Why did you go out with me knowing that? What did you want from me? Was it just the conquest? I also want to know, why didn't you answer my call for 2 days. You told me you saw my message but "wanted to spend time with God". I understand not wanted to talk, but don't I deserve the respect of a phone call. You have done that before, and I told you I hated that.

How come you never complimented me. Believe I don't look for it, but I know you were attracted to me, and you never commented on that. Did you just not feel anything, or you were afraid to give anything.

Why did you tell me "I like badboys". How do you tell a boyfriend that? How would you feel if I told you "I like outgoing exciting women". You know I am a devout Christian. If you liked Badboys why were you with me" Perhaps, you wanted to see other people, if that were the case, why were you so concerned about me still talking to my ex-girlfriend. I told you I had no feelings for her, but just spoke to her every once in awhile. When you said you didn't like it. I broke contact with her.

 

You didn't take interest in my life. You never let me in. It always seemed like you were hiding things from me. You didn't allow me to see the real you. You put on the holy Christian woman facade, but didn't allow me to see who you really were. I understand you have been hurt by men, and had to put your guard up. I didn't expect you to tell me your life story in a 3 months, but why did show a little bit of it when we were friends, and then shutoff when we started to date. I didn't appreciate you were so happy with me one night, and then when when I called you the next day, you treat me like a Telemarketer. What's was up with that? After I prayed for your Uncle with cancer, why did your Mom have to tell me; 'He was asking for you, and he really appreciated the prayers;. You then tell me. "Oh I forgot to tell you". Did you really forget, or you just didn't want to tell me.

 

Again I understand you didn't feel the same way. I am totally cool with that, but what happened. You told me "I like you alot" I think about you alot. I am excited about our future, I want to learn from you, and I am going nowhere. You did share you were scared, and that is part of the reason why you broke up with me, but why couldn't you be honest with me. You knew what I was about, you knew I loved you. You could have confronted me, instead of withdrawing. I felt I was just nice wall paper in your life. I looked good, and made you laugh, but you could take me or leave me. You were totally indifferent, and I told you that indifference to me is worse than hate.

Listen, you don't owe me anything. I never felt that way. Everything I did to you and for you was because I cared for you deeply. I really did. I think I deserved a little more respect that is all. Thats is all. I will move on. I won't hold any bitterness towards you, but I just had to get this off my chest so I can have some closure and move on.

 

What do you guys think. Would it be wise to talk to her, send her a letter with everything I said. Or just let it go. I know sometimes you try and get closure, and it just makes things worse.

 

Strangely there is a part of me that wants her back, because I think she really liked me, but just got scared of committment. Then again she may just lost that spark. I also have fear, she may be struggling with her sexuality. Maybe she is bi. I had this happened to me before. I don't know. Its a mystery.

 

I realize I need to move on, but seeing her in church every Sunday makes it hard.

 

I don't know what to do. I have to admit I am doing much better than I thought I would. I have learned so much about myself, and realized I deserve just as much as the blame for what happened. I didn't guard my heart, and allowed her to take advantage. However, there is still a little ache in my heart, and wondering if confronting her on the things I didn't confront her on before would help.

 

I would think NC is the safest thing. Who knows what can happen if we talk. I feel mad now, but I may be a mush when I see her. I would like to hear you thoughts and experiences.

 

Thanks!

 

Drum

[Ghostrider4042005]

keep up NC and if she comes back and isn't a changed women i'd keep her out of your life because it will just be the same thing again and you'll have to relive it but for now find other things to do

[Bethany]

 

I just contacted you to have some closure. I understand you said you didn't want to continue because you didn't feel the same way, and you wanted to go back to school. I understand that, and totally respect that.

Drum

 

Stop there and say Goodbye. If you want closure, this is the way it should be done. It's all she needs to know and all you have to say to her.

[shebop]

I am not sure what your intention is by contacting her..whether you want to get her back...or you want closure. If you want closure then telling her this stuff or sending it to her in a letter (what you wrote) might help you. But you have to keep in mind that you might feel worse after if you tell her this and she ends up not really having any anwsers for you or really doesn't care.

I sent my boyfriend a final email to get some closure for myself..i kept it pretty nice..but told him that i woudl never want to be with someone that doesn't fully respect me. Really you have to figure out what your intentions are and then go from there, but i don't see anything wrong with telling her how you felt as long as you don't expect to get back together with her. Maybe this well make you feel like you ended this on your terms and you will be able to move on.

 

Good luck...

[maroB]

3 months... well if you were going out with her for 3 years i could understand such a long letter. but for 3 months.

 

a suggestion, pretend that she got the letter you just typed up and leave it at that. you will only be picking at the wound if you send it to her, because then you are going to be waiting for a responce. and then you get a responce, and you will most likely respond back and the pain starts again. cause that might give you hope.

 

good luck

[painful]

I broke NC yesterday and text my ex. I thought about it long and hard before I did so. My bro got injured in Iraq and is being flown home (US) for surgery. I knew my ex would have wanted to know. This happened 6 days ago but I did not tell him because I did not want use Valentine's week for that purpose. I waited until I thought I was ready.

 

Now, we ended our rel of 6 mths on very respectful terms, so I feel I could call. I thought he would have text back to say he is sorry to hear etc. He called my home however and we spoke for about 2 hours - on my bro, catching up on each other's lives , talking a bit about the relationship etc. I know I should not have done this but we both did not seem to want to end the conversation.

 

He is not seeing anyone but the relationship remains over. He still feels insecure about me. the first thing he said was 'u cant leave the country now because you have to become a 'doctor' this year. He cannot be happy with himself and thereforeeee he still cannot really be with me because he cannot abide with the confident, accomplished person that I am.

 

Dave, I felt awful after the conversation, despite a friendly two hour conversation with a man who clearly has very high regard/respect for me. He wished for a friendship between us. I am not sure I can do this right now. I cannot be friends with someone who resents me my achievements and yet i miss his friendship. Do I just resume NC or write an email saying I do not wish to be friends right now. I know I will run into him at University so I need some advice... please...

[Spawn]

keep going with the NC.

 

Believe me, even when she broke the NC with me, i emailed her back just to make sure she knew what all problems were there in our relationship, imagine she again accusing me of making her feel like she is the bad person in the whole relationship instead of her working out her issues, anyways the point here is we are the ones who always get hurt.....Let them think what they want to.

 

I am again in pain after almost gettin over with her with that 3 weeks of NC.

 

Just don't do anythin from your side, if its over keep it at that. No contact is the only way.