friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Alright, I had a little setback today...so this one?????...This one is for me and me alone... You wrote to me today, which happens to be my birthday. Well, thanks for the surprise gift. Thanks for telling me I'm just another acquaintence of yours, for telling me that you're in search of better, that everything is fine with you. But this is my fault, because you never really believed in me anyway. You never believed in my loyalty to you, never believed in my desire to make things work and my ability to do so, never believed in my desire and ability to communicate and work through problems, including my own. Never gave me a hand when I needed it. You never believed in being my teammate and giving yourself to me, instead letting doubt and insecurity force you away. Why didn't you believe in me? Did I not deserve that? Have I not shown you time-and-time again that I love you with all my heart and soul? Why couldn't you believe that? It became a mission of mine to show you, one at which I failed. You are such a beautiful woman on so many levels and yet you never believed that. But I saw it so clearly. I doubt you even realized how much I was there for you, the sacrifices I made for you in the way of my self-esteem, my patience, my frustration, my tears, my pain. I stood with arms wide open for so long only to be used, taken advantage of, and taken for granted. I put myself on the line for you and I lost, big time. Lost myself, lost my perspective, lost my self-esteem, lost an unspeakable feeling of love that, if you're lucky, comes along once in your life. Do you know that? Do you know how much I've cried because of you? Do you know how alone I felt without you? Do you know how I've done absolutely all I can to move on past you and yet here I am? Do you know how many wonderful women I've dated since we've broken up? And do you know I have nothing to offer any of them emotionally? Do you think I'll ever have with anyone else what we had? Our memories together? The birthdays and holidays together? The adventures we shared together? The unbelievable first kiss? The things we shared only with each other? Our chemistry? Our connection? Do you know I have never in my life felt that connection with another human being? And there is so much more we could have shared together. I think about you everyday, see you in my dreams, see you finding happiness in another man, someone who is what I am not, someone better, while after all I've given of myself and what we've shared together, am "just another ex-boyfriend" to you. F**k you, that's what I have to say to you. F**k you. I love myself too. I want to put this behind me, I want to forget, I want to be OK. I see women now and I see only people. I am truly emotionally alone right now, alone with the memories of us and the memories of you, everything else distant. I want to see love again. I don't want permanent scars from this, from the memories, from the pain. I want to see love again and nurture it with a beautifully special angel of a woman who will nurture it back, will be there for me and I will be there for her, will pick me up when I need it and let me do the same for her, will believe in me and herself, and together we touch each other in places only true love can reach. I wish to God that woman would have been you. I love you so much, and always will, now only in the silence and darkness of the basement of my heart. I miss you. I love you, whether you can see it or believe in it or not. And now this will become a memory too." Link to comment
vesper Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 that's nice your ex gave you a present for your birthday, that is thoughtful...intense emotions here regarding your ex...why did you break up...any chance for getting back together? Link to comment
spunkykatt Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I seen myself in that letter, and how my life may be...and I just want you to know that even though you intended it for your own, it has helped me more than you can fathom. I dont want that to be me, and I still have the chance of correcting my life before I am the intended receiver of a letter like this. I never really thought about what I was doing when I have been destroying my relationship, just that I was mad, hurt or whatever...and I shut down and kept all of it inside. Keeping all of it in, well it eats away at you, eats away love you have, and makes you bitter....and thats what has been happening. I seen the love of my life in your letter, him writting those words, cause you and him...well you sound alike. I have been one to shut down and not communicate with him when Im mad, and he tries to talk it out with me. He tries to show me how he cares, how he loves me, but I (being stubborn and not knowing really how much I do have with him) so coldly have shut him out, and not allowed him to have my love, support and heart. I have used my hurt and anger to justify these actions, but its not fair. He loves me and begs me to just see that, to know that, and to love him back. Simple really, but I refuse him so many times of that simple request...and now I see that. I am not destroying him...I am destroying us, and the rare chance I have to be with someone who truly does love me and will always (have my back). Your letter was a blessing, and I refuse to let my insecurities and jealousy overcome and cause the man I love and who loves me to give up and leave. I know its strange but I found hope in your letter, so thank you. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Wow, spunkykatt, I am blown away by this. I had no idea someone would read what I wrote and feel the way you do. I was really just putting my heart on the page to get it out... But I am smiling from ear to ear right now! I am so glad my experience, feelings, and words have impacted you to the point of calling them a "blessing." They probably mean way more to you than they would to my ex whom I mention in the letter. Thank you for your response! You have officially made my day... Good luck with your situation you mention, I really wish you the best...you're on the right track with your approach to the relationship I think... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 That's a big negative on getting back together. No way, no how, no chance. In hindsight, the relationship was an emotionally draining rollercoaster ride because we just aren't meant to be together. She played a role in my life and the role doesn't include being the woman I'm supposed to be with... Link to comment
vesper Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 That's a big negative on getting back together. No way, no how, no chance. In hindsight, the relationship was an emotionally draining rollercoaster ride because we just aren't meant to be together. um, you've definitley got it together!! im happy that you have figured this one out then.. i like how you say that she played a role in your life ...and you acknowledge that as being important, and you are fine with ultimately letting go... it is tough letting go and realizing that she may not be the 'one' and you have accomplished the task that seems impossible to most people hung up on their ex....getting all of this stuff out ultimately 'cleanses' your soul and the next time you fall in love it will be a million times better than the first...it always gets better!! Link to comment
spunkykatt Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I also sent your letter to my bf, and told him how it was like reading his words, and how it for so long I ignored his pleas for love, kindness and support, but rather in a way abused his desire to want to love me and be loved back, by being cold, angry and emotionally shut down. I told him how I honestly felt like I would be this girl in your letter, and how I didnt want that to happen. He has tried so hard, and been so patient with me, hoping that I would stop shutting him out and just accept that he was going to stay with me, and love me with everything he had. I told him how sorry I was, how much I wanted to make it up, and that I was going to try more than ever to not push him away, and show him that I do love him, rather than punish him by taking my love away when I was mad or hurt. Its a cycle that I have experienced all my life, I wanted love so much, but I was denied it over and over in my past. So it was hard for me to see what I was doing to him, how I was making him feel like I did so many times long ago. I want you to know that by opening yourself up, and posting your letter, you have helped me, and saved me from myself. It was a blessing, this letter, and I am so grateful you shared it. I also want you to know what my bf had to say about it when he read it....This is from a email he sent me after reading it, and some discuss between us.... *****i tried to put it into some type of biological analytical explanation for you to understand. let me put it into steps : 1. guy rips out my heart 2. guy reads my heart oh how it feels 3. guy translate what he reads into what you can understand to how it feels. He was referring to you btw, that you were writting his feelings about me, how he struggles to make me understand how he does love me, how I am beautiful, and how he wants me...etc. So THANK YOU so very much. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Wow, again I am floored by all of this. This is amazing. You are so very welcome! Link to comment
Jjasonn28 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Interesting.. Hey Friscodj. Wow. So much emotion in what you wrote. Doesn't it feel good to just let it all out? A lot of what you written, I too can identify with. The frustration of giving yourself absolutely, and getting hurt by it.. Man, I hope you are doin okay. When dwelling in ones own hurt, its easy to forget that there are others that feel the pain too. Im not familiar with your story and how or what you went through... You say she isn't the one for you, and still you admit your love for her. That in itself reafirms a little, my belief in love. JP Link to comment
spunkykatt Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Im know it was hard to take all those feelings and put them in writting, and when you was writting it you didnt know that you was going to be having a direct affect on another persons life and relationship, for the better even...so I felt that you should know how much you helped me, you took your hurt and put it out there for everyone to read...and luckily I was one of them. I am sorry for how you feel, how you must have been hurt, but at the same time Im greatful, greatful that you shared your hurt. I hope that you find someone who loves you back like you love, you deserve that, and I will never be able to thank you enough. Link to comment
Jjasonn28 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Wow Spunky.. your reaction to Friscodj's post makes me feel great too. Like he said, it IS flooring... hehe, for a brief moment, I had visions that you were my former GF... except, I didn't get an email... Oh well, guess that 'hope' I hold on to is bigger than I thought.. You know whats funny though, I had chinese for dinner, and this is what my fortune cookie said, "Your Dearest Wish Will Come True" I think I may tuck this one under my pillow tonight. Link to comment
Jjasonn28 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 when you was writting it you didnt know that you was going to be having a direct affect on another persons life and relationship, for the better even...so I felt that you should know how much you helped me, you took your hurt and put it out there for everyone to read...and luckily I was one of them. Simply INSPIRING I am so glad I found this site. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Oh you guys... Jason, I am doing OK. We've just been NC for 3 months and today (my birthday) she sends me an email with a quick "Happy Birthday" from her email address she uses exclusively for online dating. Yeah, it definitely rocked the boat (you read my post!) but the boat is still headed in the right direction. It'll be fine...but right now...I'm still pretty emotionally drained...from a relationship I invested so much into which wasn't meant to be I believe... Look up some of my old posts I started too...they might help as well... spunky, again, I'm so glad you found this helpful to you. Your story made the suffering worthwhile for me...your thanks to me can be shown by bettering yourself and your relationships, especially with your current guy...how's that? We cool? I definitely shed some tears writing that original post... Link to comment
PassionatePices Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 friscodj I just finished a reply to Hannibal {I'm back, crushed and worse than before }thread when i came accross your heart felt ,touching and soothing letter! Your letter has tears rolling down my face.I needed to read to that.Your words described my emotions beautifully! You opened your heart and spoke what you feel. You gave me strength i needed. I am stumped for words right now from the happiness you gave me.I feel complete with closure. ThankYou friscodj I hope i can one day be their for you. pm anytime! HappyBirthday again lad and many more! Link to comment
Jjasonn28 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Hey hey.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN! Yeah, I know what you mean. The smallest gestures when we arent expecting them can provoke such STRONG emotions. Did you message her back? Or just let it go and frantically try to get your much needed dose of eNotAlone? Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Or just let it go and frantically try to get your much needed dose of eNotAlone? I read it...and then deleted it...and actually had little desire to write her back...it is so obvious to me that we are completely finished in any way shape or form... I realize that...but it still hurts sometimes man... Link to comment
PassionatePices Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 spunkykatt your reply was touching! Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 friscodj I just finished a reply to Hannibal {I'm back, crushed and worse than before }thread when i came accross your heart felt ,touching and soothing letter! Your letter has tears rolling down my face.I needed to read to that.Your words described my emotions beautifully! You opened your heart and spoke what you feel. You gave me strength i needed. I am stumped for words right now from the happiness you gave me.I feel complete with closure. ThankYou friscodj I hope i can one day be their for you. pm anytime! HappyBirthday again lad and many more! Alright! More reason to smile! I'm so happy! I seriously didn't think anyone would reply to this...I wrote it here because I didn't want to write it to her... Link to comment
spunkykatt Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Well Im going to do my best to fix the things I broke, I have spent so much time focusing on the things he did wrong and being a victim that I didnt see how he was really reaching out to me, and trying to love me no matter what kinda S*** I threw at him. He never tried to stop showing me how sorry he was for the things that happened in our relationship, and I never accepted that, I just kept all of it in me, and when I would get mad I would use those things as ammunition against him. I have made him cry out of hurt, frustration, and love, more times than I want to remember. He has never abandoned me though, he has stuck it out and all he wants is for us to be happy and love eachother completely. I on the other hand, am the one who never stuck it out, when we would fight and I would get hurt, I would say horrible things to him, to make him hurt too, I threatned to leave him more than once...and just been in general mean. I was so blind to that, though. I though he deserved it, for all the crap he has put me through, but I know now that he didnt mean to hurt me, and it hurts him to see me sad. He wants to make it better for me you know. The thing is that even though I have been so awful, he is still here...still by my side, and still loving me, and waiting on me to just accept his love. Thats pretty amazing huh? So, after your letter, I seen I was that girl, and he doesnt derserve to have all that pain...I have already given him enough of that for a lifetime...and now its time for me to give him what he has so desperately wanted from me for so long now...my love and support, and from this point on I will give that to him with honesty, and senseritiy...never again will I threaten to take it away from him..I wont be the girl he writes about. Link to comment
PassionatePices Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 friscodj your words that letter will touch so many! Thankyou! {{{hugs 4u }}} Link to comment
spunkykatt Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 well thank you for writting it here, you have done so much by that act alone, and have touched alot of us as you can see. What a wonderful thing you did, to say the least. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Well, he's a dam lucky guy to have someone with your insight and desire to make things right...and appreciate him for what he does and the person he is...I am so glad my words could be a catalyst for that... Three months ago, I'd have given my left arm to hear the words you wrote above...which would be very applicable to my situation...but since then, I have come to grips with the reality that the woman I seek is not the woman I love...and she never truly loved me back either... But I'm on the right track, I can see it and feel it...so it will all be good in time... Again, I'm so glad my words helped you. Please do keep me posted on your progress... Link to comment
PassionatePices Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 well thank you for writting it here, you have done so much by that act alone, and have touched alot of us as you can see. What a wonderful thing you did, to say the least. So very true!!! Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 well thank you for writting it here, you have done so much by that act alone, and have touched alot of us as you can see. What a wonderful thing you did, to say the least. Well, this is one of the best birthday presents I have ever gotten... Link to comment
PassionatePices Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Happy Birthday friscodj!! *cheers* Slainte' Link to comment
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