I'm tired

[confusedmama]

I am so tired of playing the waiting game and feeling like I've been manipulated for what was our entire 15 year marriage. These past 2-3 years have simply been a living h*ll.

I am now waiting for our court date, not until late Mar., after having re-scheduled and going on good faith (which I should have known better but I'm forever the optimist) that he would pay child support and follow the custody guidelines that took over 2hours to agree to in a 4-way meeting.

 

I am feeling like I am alone in the world except for my children. I am frustrated, tired, lonely, angry and most of all scared. I knew this would not be easy, but again, I thought he would at least show some integrity when it came to the children.

 

I guess this is simply a rant. Any suggestions on how to handle the feelings of rejection and anger would be appreciated.

[WildChild]

You are doing what you should be doing: letting all your anger and feelings out and in a constructive positive way. I am sure your children are filling in the bridges on many things. Support one another and never forget to show and tell each other how much you love one another. Nothing lasts forever, nor shall this. Just remember o n the way to what you planned to happen, something even better comes along.

[confusedmama]

Thanks WildChild for the reminder of love. I do know it fixes a multitude of errors. I'm just having to be extremely careful not to take out my issues with their father on them. Especially the oldest, as he seems at times to be identical to his father and I don't want him to behave or believe that way.

 

Case in point, I received an email yesterday stating that he, my almost ex, had called and cancelled the trash pickup, phone service to the house, and I am now going to have to call and pay a re-connect fee. Maybe he should have talked to me first? I had asked him to get his name off those accounts in July and he is now doing it and it seems as if he is doing it behind my back. I also received a message from a finance company about re-financing the house, again he called to set it up.

 

I am really struggling with my self esteem and trying to keep from falling into the pit of depression ( I've got all ten fingernails digging in and holding on to the sides of the pit). It is amazing how one person can have the ability to make you feel all these negative feelings and I can't seem to let people in to help, hard to believe they would want to even if I let them.

 

This endless running in circles, mentally, emotionally, financially is killing me.

[WildChild]

Hopefully you can call these places and explain the situation and they may waive the reconnect fees. I would do it quickly though so they know you are telling them the truth and not some made up story. It is amazing how your self esteem can soar one day and the next day you feel like you have crashed to the ground at a million miles an hour. Never underestimate them, but most importantly yourself. You can do this even though it seems like forever. It is very easy to take it out on the ones you love, but you are acknowledging you may do this and that is good. At least you are not blinding yourself into believing you aren't doing that. I always made sure to apologize and told my oldest it wasn't about them and how sorry I was. It doesn't make it right, but he also understood. You may need to contact your physician about temporarily getting on either anxiety meds or antidepressants. I ended up having to do so myself and it helped tremendously. I eventually went off of them and am back to my normal self before the whole divorce crud. You will need to start letting people in to help. If they are willing, then let them do it. It will help with the stress and management of each day not to mention your sanity. Remember, don't underestimate him. Keep one step ahead of him at all times, and never let your guard down. As you realize now, he is capable of anything whether it affects you and the kids or not.

[confusedmama]

I just got that reminder from a friend of mine who called. That he is capable of just about anything. Funny how you think you know a person, at least a little bit, and it turns out they are not like anything you ever expected.

 

I did call the phone co. and they didn't even stop service so that was nice. Hopefully the rest will be just as obliging.

 

I knew to expect the ups&downs of emotion, I just didn't expect them to continue for as long as they have. It's amazing how up I can be and then 15 min. later I've bottomed again. I do think that if I weren't so scared then I could level out at little. But it seems that each time I get myself together and stop fearing the unexpected he does something 4x worse than what I could have ever expected.

 

It's a double-edged sword. I really don't want to stop trusting people to do the right thing and I'm afraid that if I stop trusting him (even though I know he's not going to do the right thing) I'll not trust anyone to do the right thing. I don't want to go through life bitter, nasty and untrusting.

[WildChild]

Once someone has broken your trust it is very hard to put trust into anyone. You cannot however let that stop you from letting people into your lives. I just remind myself on a fairly continual basis that people are capable of anything. I don't know if I will completely trust any man ever again and it isn't so much about them persay, but more that I realized the same as you: You think you know someone when in all actuality, I never knew my husband. I never knew or thought he was capable of doing the mean and hurtful things he could do. I learned a hard lesson, but in the end it made me better. I don't have on the rose colored glasses as often.

 

Your emotions are normal: up one second and down the next. Pretty soon you will have more better times more frequently than worse times. However when it gets to the point you can't function or you can't seem to snap out of it then you should really seek advice from your physician.

 

Glad to hear the phone co. worked with you