In Limbo and need some advice

[In_Limbo]

Hi there. I really need some advice on what to do! Here's the story.

 

My BF and I had been together for nearly a year. His hometown is hundreds of miles away, he moved down here for work, we met, & he stayed down here with me even when his job came to an end (although he's working again now.) He also has been living with me in my flat.

 

Generally it has been a fantastic relationship. He's been affectionate, generous, everything a partner should be basically. A lot better than some of the rats I've been out with in the past! Of course he has his faults like anybody else, but they're certainly nothing major.

 

I however have some issues with insecurity, & when this creeps in, it has turned to anger. During the year we've had about 3 major rows where I've become very unreasonable - have told him to get out and he's slept in his car - and I ashamed to admit have even damaged some of his things. This happened before xmas and he agreed to stay, but said it had to be the last time. I suggested that I would look into anger management, but you know what life's like, I got busy, and never got further than half heartedly looking on the net to see what was offered in the area.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it happened again Saturday night. He left, finally came back Monday morning, to pack up all his things and drive all the way back home. Cue alot of talking and a lot of tears. In the end he admitted that he didn't really want to go home, he wouldn't have a job there, and in an ideal world he would like us to try to work things out.

 

But, he says that he needs space from me right now. I completely understand that. Ideally he would move out and rent his own place for a while, and we could see how it goes. I would be happy for that - it would be a lot better than him going home and me never seeing him again. However, money is an issue here, he simply hasn't got the funds to put down a month's rent plus deposit on somewhere at the moment.

 

Soooo.....for the past 2 nights he has been sleeping on the sofa. We've been totally amicable with each other whilst he's been here, we've talked a little about us (and he says he doesn't know what he wants) and we've had completely normal conversations about other things. We've laughed and joked which gives me a lot of hope.

 

Do you guys think I'm deluding myself though? I'm trying to play a waiting game, be patient in the hope he will decide for us to get back together. In the meantime it's incredibly hard having him here, when I love him and fancy him and just want him to give me a cuddle and tell me he still loves me. I feel that if he couldn't stand the sight of me, there's no way he'd be staying here, but then the insecurity creeps in and I think maybe he's just using the roof over his head.

 

What should I do, help! Sorry it was so long

[LiquidCherry]

Regardless of if he wants to get back together with you or not it seems he does need a roof over his head at this moment. I wouldn't exactly feel that he was using you though.. Sometimes people need a bit of a hand. If this were to continue and he made no efforts of either working things out with you or getting his own place it would have to be stopped but a few nights, I think that's understandable. I know it's hard because you do have feelings for him. I don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like it's becuase of your actions that this situation came about and so I think it's only fair.

 

No matter what happens between the two of you, you've been offered a wonderful chance to grow and better yourself. If you truly want to show him that a relationship could work you're going to have to make efforts to make some changes in yourself. And if you truly want to have any long term relationship with anyone you'll have to do this anyway so you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[In_Limbo]

Thanks for your reply LC. It's just such a worry at the moment....he obviously can't stay on the sofa for very long, yet me proving to him that I am able and willing to change can't happen overnight. I can make promises but he's not going to fully believe them until he actually witnesses me doing it. If only he was financially able to get his own place!

 

I've offered to help out with the deposit on renting a flat, I'm not exactly rich myself but the way I see it is, as long as we are committed to sorting things out we're still a partnership, even if we're not actually together.

But he has refused taking/borrowing money. I suppose it's his pride, or maybe he won't because he doesn't have much intention of wanting to work things out.

 

I just feel that under "normal" circumstances, ie him being from the same town, we could have the necessary space but still move forwards. As it is if he goes home, that's pretty much it.

 

Grrrr! Anyway I'm going out to meet some friends now, so I won't be here when he gets back from work. I need to show him I'm carrying on with my life.

[In_Limbo]

Ok so I get back from going out and he's here, everything again is "fine" - we go shopping, have tea etc. I then tentatively ask how he is feeling about things, very gently, because I don't want to pressurise him, but I need to know one way or another.

 

Again he says he doesn't know yet. Says it would be a risk for us to get back together. I understand totally where he's coming from. But it's breaking my heart him being here and us not being loving as normal.

 

Before I went to bed I asked him for a hug and he said yes. He cuddled me for a little bit and it just felt so sad. That's the 1st physical contact we've had since the weekend.

 

I don't know whether this is really hopeful - or whether he just feels sorry for me or something. If any of you guys had this happen, what would you think?