Geez, already I'm "just a great friend" !!! Help!

[blues_belter]

Hi everyone! I know this should probably be posted in the dating section, but since i am most familiar with this section and i like everyone here, i was hoping you could help me with this one? I was once hoping to get back with my ex, but i realized that he wasn't right for me at all, so i decided to take my life back, or at least get one. I've been having a great time ever since and I've met a great guy. The problem, or i should say the situation is. I am not looking to get into anything serious. I AM highly attracted to him and he has also asked me to collaborate with him on some music. It's only been a few weeks since we started spending time together.

 

Very early on i told him straight up- exactly what i am saying now " I am very interested in collaborating with you on some music- i do feel a strong attraction to you- i would like to get to know you- but i do not want anything to do anything to upset that delicate balance." I went on to say that because of this, i do not want to "define" anything. I was enjoying writing, flirting and all that- and i didn't want to put a label on anything "friend or otherwise"! He wholly agreed. He said he felt an attraction too but he also didn't feel like defining it. ( We're both coming out of bad relationships).

 

But already, i think something happened to made him want to define it. The other night we went out of town and spent all night at my favorite music joint- we had a blast! At closing we noticed that the roads were really bad with snow and i was a bit concerned about driving back. He asked me what i wanted to do. I said, well i don't want you to have to drive back home 30mph the whole way back (about 40miles) I said would you consider getting a room and we can drive tomorrow when it is safer- and jokingly said to put him at ease- don't worry, i respect you as a man- i promise i won;t do anything to put the moves on you! Just being silly- he laughed.

 

So we got to the room and of course there was this TENSION! So we got silly and started jumping from bed to bed like a couple of kids (He's late thirties- i'm 31) Then he arranges his shoes in a straight line between the beds ( i'm sitting on one, he is on the opposite one. I said what are you doing. He says i'm drawing a line. I started laughing. Then he points one shoe towards me and says "this means the door is open", then puts the shoe back "this means the door is closed" and then tilts the shoe halfway- "and this means enter at your own risk"! Of course i couldn't resist but i knew that i had to set a limit. I said look, i would really love to come over there and be with you but i have to let you know up front that i am not in any position to "tame the one-eyed snake tonight" (meaning sex is not an option) I am open to other things though and i feel very comfortable with you. He said come on over. Of course when your with someone for the first time things get pretty hot and heavy- and that is exactly what happened! But i held fast to it- he tried his best but i reminded him that i wasn;t going there- i let him know it was sure hard not to (mmmhmm!) He was very persistent but i told him, look it takes a while for me open up and when i do, if it's with you will be extremely pleased if you give me the time to do that. I said- this feels very good. I do worry though that you'll label me a tease- but since i outlined it up front... he said, no, i don't think you're a tease ( this was when we weren't hot and heavy) I smiled and said ok- then he starts right back in with the kissing and being silly.

 

Point is, i outlined what i was willing to do and he respected that- even though he sure tried. He did not give me any guilt or any pressure or anything like that. That in my book makes me trust him more. That makes me think that he is a real gentleman.

 

So, i decided to send him a little note the next morning (about 24 hours later)

 

 

 

Hi (attractive nice guy)

 

As per usual- I had a great time out with you this weekend

and i must say, though from now on it is understood, I think you are a

real gentleman. Thanks for respecting my limits though it must have been

rough ;-). In the words of the great (friend's name, that makes you

as cool as 10,000 _______ (inside joke- forum members).

 

Anyway, i hope to show you some of my lyrical ideas for you Thurs. if you're

free.

 

Cheers,

Me

 

PS

 

I'm going to break down and buy a winter coat this week- it's time to put an

end to the denial

 

And here was his reply....

 

I had fun too, so it is no big deal.....and of course I would respect your

limits. I value you as a person and I think you are a great friend. As

awkward as it may sound, I'm glad that there was a limit set. I thought

about if there had been no limits and what that might do to our friendship

and working together on music. I think it would have made things weird. I

feel like we should focus on the music. Thursday should be good. B and I

(friend that is moving ) are suppose to go see a band this

Thursday, but I'm imagining she'll cancel like last week......the joys of

preparation before relocating.

 

(Him)

 

So, forum members- perhaps i am a bit taken aback. Of course being friends is the best thing to do when you are thnking about dating someone, or even not. Getting to know the other person is what it's all about.

 

Thing is, i feel like he just threw out a preemptive strike all of a sudden! I didn't feel anything weird on my part- sure maybe it was a little hot and heavy all of a sudden, but i guess i just hate being defined so suddenly. It seems to me something really spooked him! I thought my email was a nice way of saying" hey! i think you are a great guy! I'll see you later this week! We'll work on some music!"

 

All of a sudden it's " let's just be friends"---- in an email---- on valentines day!":splat:

 

i don't know whether to be insulted or just bust out laughing!

 

What do ya'll think?

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________________________________________

[solo34]

Well, at NO point did he say that he was just wanting 2 be friends. He is only saying that he respects yours and his friendship, and that by not setting a limit, U 2 could have potentially ruined what U had. Sex this soon would have made it awkward 4 U guys. Just keep being cool with him, and see where it takes U guys. Just keep being U, 'cause that's what makes him like U anyway. Don't act different or anything. That way, he'll know that there's no regrets on your part, and U meant what U said 2 him. I hope that my advice has helped U. Take care, and good luck with this situation.

 

-Solo34

[NJRon]

It sounds to me that he is saying that he wants to focus on the music and, in order to do that, the relaitonship needs ot be on a friendly level. That being more than that might make it 'weird' for him to work with you.

 

I don't know how long you plan on working together on the music. I don't think I would take it as a sign of forever being just friends if you want to go to the next level in the future.

 

Hard to tell though.

[blues_belter]

Yeah, you're both right- he never said "let's just be friends" he said let's focus on the music. And truth is, that's what i want to do- i guess i didn't want to define it all of a sudden because i am also attracted to him.

 

We are really only collaborating on a couple songs on his record. We are not forming a band or a business. Truth is i do see potential in him simply because he showed much respect. But i can respect his limits as well.

 

I didn't want to mess anything up either- should i reply in an email and be silly? like"um, it was already understood! if Thursday's not good for you- how about another day? Because it sounds like he already made plans with a friend.

 

I did call last night about 8:30 after i got the email. I left a message on his vm, saying you're email was a bit confusing about Thurs. would you give me a call?

 

He never responded. I guess maybe it already got weird for him. How can i put him at ease- he really seems spooked. I never called back. Thing is- if he wants it to be not weird, why all of a sudden is he acting like a boyfriend who can't return a phone call! It just seems funny.

 

Hmmmm. males and females!!

 

He never responded

[solo34]

Wow, just leave it as is 4 now. You're already 2gether musically, just wait until your next "arrangement" 4 the music. Don't put this on U, he's the one that was the aggressor in the situation...rearanging his shoes "open, closed, proceed at your own risk" U know the stuff he said. I mean, was he drunk when he was doing all of this? Seems like he wanted 2 hit it bad, and maybe he regrets coming on way 2 strong. U did have 2 tell him more than once that U weren't going 2 give up the goods this soon. He could possibly just feel like a ''typical'' male, and feel wrong about it. Just wait until U get together, and clear the air. If he feels awkward, just keep it "professional" only. Just until U 2 are done recording tracks and all that. Good luck, girl.

 

-Solo34

[NJRon]

If I were you, I would just let the topic drop entirely. Bringing it up again woudl just be more weirdness. He's probably just giving a cooling down period after the exchange. Don't initiate any communication and, when yuo talk to him, just talk about normal stuff... not the status of your relationship. If it's a 'given', then their's no reason to bring it up.

[blues_belter]

Thanks solo34 and NJRon

 

yeah, he probably wanted to hit it bad- but truth is, so did i- i just knew it wasn't the right time.

 

As you are both men, is it possible that i may have wounded his ego a bit. I think my email was really cool- not at all weird. Is it possible at all, perhaps that since i didn't come on strong at all, he was just embarrassed and had to throw it out there that oh- you are such a great friend, i don't want to ruin that, bla bla bla. I mean i believe him on one level- but then, he's acting skittish when there is no need to be

 

I guess i shouldn't mention it, but then if he really is a friend, and he really wants to focus on the music- i think he would of returned my call by now. I think i just scared the """ out of him by being cool. But then that's just me... any thoughts?

 

How can i clarify Thursday's plan- and get the music thing back on track- if he's already acting like, well, you know!!!

[NJRon]

I think you are making too much of it. Stop thinking

 

You already threw out to clarify about thursday. It's only Tuesday. Let him call. If you haven't heard from him by Thursday, then call early on thursday and tell him that you need to reschedule and for him to call you when it's convenient. And that's all. I don't call my friends back immediately all the time...

 

I wouldn't have been upset about anything in your email, I thought it was good and light. I also doubt he's embarrassed. If anything, he likes you MORE than just a friend and is trying to take a breather to get his own emotions under control. Let him be a for a while.

[blues_belter]

That's fair enough NJRon

 

But about that thinking too much part, you're right. Funny thing is he told me the same thing though when we were hot and heavy. He still stopped, but still.

 

Hopefully, my phone message didn't spook him even further- i just hate weirdness, my gut instinct is to eradicate the weirdness by making a joke about it. But yeah, you're right. I'll go with a guy on this one.

 

It's just all so funny anyway...

[solo34]

Yeah, trust NJRon, let this cat breathe a little while. What ever U do, DON'T make a joke of the situation. This brother LIKES U, he is probably just a little embarrassed about how things went down. Let time/nature do it's thing, no need 2 over think anything at this point. Do as NJRon says and give it until early Thursday...hit us back if U need anymore advice...be cool, little Momma. You'll be alright.

-Solo34

[blues_belter]

OK guys, i'm going to leave it till Thurs-

 

But would you reassure me on one thing? hopefully my phone message didn't spook him further. All i said was "Hey_____ your email was a bit confusing about Thurs- would you call me back?"

 

I'm asking you because i don't want to ask him for reassurance! (don't worry, i won't )You all are really cool for setting me straight

 

Happy V- Day everyone!

[NJRon]

I don't think it's bad. you said you were confused, but specifically mentioned Thursday. So, he knows it's about the music stuff for thursday and not about the friendship stuff.

[solo34]

Exactly NJRon....exactly. Listen 2 NJRon about this one, girl.

 

-Solo34