Am I depressed? I feel like I can change... somehow

[easyguy]

I've been thinking about my social life a lot. Well, at least what I can consider my social life. Perhaps I could get some insights on how to go about getting over this.

 

Ever since I can remember, I have never enjoyed or felt comfortable going out with friends and hanging out. Long ago, a few girl friends of my relatives invited me to join them and go watch a movie together and hang out. I decided to go with them, because I had nothing better to do at the time. I think we were out of town for some reason. Anyway, I went with these girls, who were my age at the time -- practically teenagers -- but the whole time I felt out of place. I knew one of the girls, but the others (I think 2 or 3 others) I didn't know, as they were her friends, and I rarely saw this girl.

 

All throughout high school I made a few friends through a couple different clubs, but never considered going out of my way and hanging out with them outside of school. Perhaps it was fear, pressure, I don't know. I haven't hung out with school friends outside of school since 6th grade, when I went to a long-time friend's birthday party. As I matured and got into my own things, especially music, I became less social among my peers and more of a hermit socially, as I found peace of mind in other forms. As a result of my choice to hold back for various reasons, I became an introverted individual. Though around the time of my senior year of high school (I'm 19 now, by the way) I started to slowly break out of my shell, thanks to the many helpers on this forum. It's an ongoing battle that someday will be won. It's getting a little easier to socialize with people and feel comfortable doing it.

 

For some reason, I never had an interest in girls all throughout high school beyond a simple crush. I've made a couple girl friends, well... let's not kid ourselves here -- acquaintences, but have never had a girlfriend, or a real girl friend for that matter. I've always been that "kid" or that "guy I have class with", rather than, "Yeah, I'm good friends with him". Of course, I try not to let the single-for-19-years thing get me down. For the most part I like being single, but that's a different story.

 

And it's not just friends that I feel pressured to be around. Every Thanksgiving, my family and I visit old friends in town and we have a big dinner and whatnot. Every year I am always in a different room doing something else after dinner, distracting myself from my family and everyone else. One of the families has teenage daughters. You'd think I'd be jumping for joy, but I naturally avoid them and act preoccupied.

 

Part of my problem could be a social anxiety sort of thing, but I don't think that's everything. It's not the socializing part that bogs me down, but the physically hanging out with someone or a group of people and being around other people. I can never see myself doing it, but I can't see why I can't do it. The only real friend I have is this guy I've known almost my entire life. We grew up together, went to the same schools together, and even hang out at my house all the time together (he lives at my house... long story). Even though he is my best friend, I tend to feel isolated.

 

When I go out to dinner with my family, I often notice some groups of people -- high school/college kids -- just having a ball hanging out with each other, while I think to myself, "Man, I wonder what it feels like to be accepted like that". Recently I've developed a friendship with this one girl at my high school that I've known for a year, but again, have never hung out with, partly because I don't know if she'd be comfortable with me being in her presense when with her circle of friends. I just kick myself sometimes for wishing that she would accept me and consider let me hanging out with her. But just the thought of that makes me slightly nervous.

 

Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up, because it's quite long as you can see. I've just been meaning to get this off my chest. I'd like to get over this problem of mine someday, as there are so many opportunities out there in the world, and being a hermit for many years out of my life doesn't make me feel any more content into going after these opportunities.

[ShySoul]

Easyguy, you tapped into my brain and pulled that out of it, didn't you? That post could be a pretty accurate description of me. Even down to my experience in high school in which I didn't even have a single crush on a girl. They just weren't my type I guess.

 

I'm always an aquantiance, rarely a friend. And for the most part, I'm ok with it. But every once and awhile I know the feeling of wondering what its like to go out with friends. It's currently 9:45 on a Saturday night and here I am at home, alone, sitting by a computer. Most people my age are out on the town. But I'm not invited, don't even have friends I talk to who I could invite myself along with.

 

I think the first thing is to realize its ok to be by yourself or not having a lot of friends. One true friend means more, and you have that. From there, its just being open to things when they come your way. For instance, at Thanksgiving, don't go into the other room. Yes, it may be your natural tendency and you might have more fun in there. But in being around people, you end up making casual conversation which is a start. There is always a chance you will get along well with someone and then you should stay in touch.

 

With this girl, talk to her and show you want to be friends. Walk with her a bit after class someplace, to another class or wherever she is going. Talk to her before class. Bit the bullet and just ask if she wants to hang out. Don't let fear or anxiety stop you. And if you are nice enough, you'll probably run into someone who will ask you. Took me to my last semseter of college, but I actually had a girl ask me to hang out with her, tag along on free musuem day.

 

Don't lose faith and confidence. Just talk to people and be calm, and you can develop those kind of friendships.

[ElektraHere]

In order to get the friendships and social life you want you have to go out and get it. It will not come knocking on your door. It is hard making friends especially if you are shy, intimidated, or have a low self esteem.

 

I tend to be on the shy side (my friends disagree with this statement) but really it's hard to try something new or to talk to others. I don't have alot of friends but the handful I do have I have had some as long as 28 years.

 

Here are some questions for you to try and answer about yourself....

 

Do you put off an air of "Do NOT approach me?"

No one wants to approach someone who has that air about them.

When someone does talk to you do you give yes or no answers and not really expand on your answers?

People tend to lose interest in someone who doesnt say more then yes or know.

Do you look others in the eye?

Looking someone in the eye is a sign of confidence.

 

Try joining a club (sports, hobby, activity) or maybe a gym? Go to local music concerts. Get out there and live and meet those people you want in your life. A good friend only brings out the best in you.

Good Luck,

[jamie379]

I'm going to agree with ShySoul here...it feels like you're reading my mind!

 

I've been feeling the same way lately. I recently came to the realization that I don't really have any "friends," as it were. With an exception or two, no one that I've kept in touch with over the years. Up until now, I think I've been content with that. But recently I met someone who I have feelings for and shows an interest in me and it is beginning to make me quesiton the way I've been leading my life. I'm beginning to feel very alone.

 

This experience is making me question why I haven't kept any potential friendships. And it occurs to me that I think I have some sort of inferiority problem wherein I don't feel like I'm deserving of knowing the people that I've met and almost feel like I'm imposing on their lives by asking to hang out with them or keep in-touch. What could I have to offer them that they don't already have?

 

In meeting this person and in an effort to spend time together, I have also been exposed to a social crowd that I really enjoy...one that I have known for a good while but was never really a part of. I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to acquire/keep them as friends on a long term basis without making myself seem too desparate.

 

Anyway, figured I'd chime in to at least say "you're not alone!" and that there ARE others out there in similar (or worse?) situations. Good luck, I hope you figure things out!