question for those like me who screwed up

[deejay74]

so, many of you know, i screwed up the other night when i saw my ex.

 

now, i don't want to get back together with her, but i may be interested in being friends with her later down the road. i know she's not a person for me to be in a relationship with, but i can see her being a friend.

 

what i want to know is, is it possible to regain any respect when you lost control and made a blunder with your ex after the break up? i don't think i made a terrible blunder - i think i made a fool out of myself more than anything.

 

if so, how? when you reestablished contact, was it you who initiated it or the ex? if it was you, what did you say or do?

 

i am probably not making any sense here as i haven't gotten any sleep in the past 2 days.

 

i know what you all are probably thinking, why would i want to be friends with my ex after what she said and treated me the other night? i am a forgiving person and i know i probably pushed her into saying what she said but when i have healed completely and worked on myself, i would like to have a friendship with her because we got along great before we started dating.

[octopus]

I think give it a few days of NC(maybe a week?). You will feel better, on the other hand you'll see if your ex contacts you in the mean time.

[deejay74]

I think give it a few days of NC(maybe a week?). You will feel better, on the other hand you'll see if your ex contacts you in the mean time.

 

oh i highly doubt she'll contact me.

 

but is it possible to regain any respect if there was any lost?

[octopus]

For her to gain respect for you? I'd think only after you have your own self respect back, and that is completely doable. Hey - I read my ex's emails on his laptop when we broke up. How can you go lower than that?????? But I think after being completely ashamed of myself for days and days for that, I'm much stronger now and have restored my self respect. From the ex's eyes; he doesn't know (or so I think) and I can't comment.

 

One last thing; if you TRY to show her you're not as bad and that you made a mistake and you deserve her respect back, it might not work; just don't TRY so hard and let it be know naturally. At least that's how it'd work for me if I were your ex.

[Lady Bugg]

I am realizing by my OWN "blunders"...that attempting to maintain a friendship with someone who broke your heart and you still have feelings for..is pretty counter productive. Thats like trying to put a band aid on a broken arm. Right now..I am making what seems like my thousandth attempt at NC with someone who broke my heart. It has NOT worked for me because I have attempted to keep this 'friendship' with him...when in reality every time I do this..I only hurt MYSELF. So....like ANY person who is 'weaning" themselves from an addiction (and an ex IS our 'addiction' right now) my best bet is to completely sever ANY ties. An alcoholic does 90 meetings in 90 days for a REASON...to break that ADDICTION!!! So I am thinking of it merely as MY addiction. My advice....don;t attempt ANY friendship for at least 60 days...then see how you feel.

[Nathalie1970]

I agree with Octopus, as you know I have had no self respect these past few weeks. I have wanted my ex back but how can he respect me if I don't respect myself.

 

As of tonight, I am doing NC, and I know it will take longer than 60 days for the ex and I to ever be friends (if ever, being the key here)

 

Doing NC is so the way to go (I say that every day and still mess it up), you can be friends down the road but not now.

 

Chin up

[healinginnyc81]

You don't want to be her friend until you've completely healed. That's going to be months down the road. Once you're sure you don't want her back, is when I think it's safe to contact her to try to be friends. With my ex who I see a lot here at college, as much as I would love to be her friend since we have so much in common, I don't plan to ever try to be her friend because I don't think a friendship with her is going to work. There's too many close memories that we share, there's too much hurt and feelings of betrayal on my part. It would take years for us to be able to be friends again. Put off the idea of being friends until you have truly moved on.

[Itsok]

In all actuality, by the end of your recovery you probably won't want to be friends. You'll have realized the things that made you crazy in the relationship, her quirks will make you crazy, and you'll feel akward being around her and her friends.

 

I wouldn't worry at all right now about when is a good time to contact her...worry about yourself, and worry about taking good care of yourself right now. Some self-care is definitely in order my friend.

 

You've been burned, and you went out with her the other night against your better judgement and are feeling upset, humiliated, and like you've done something wrong. DON'T. She should have known better than to invite you out in the first place, because obviously you miss her and would be upset.

 

Friend, take some time for yourself right now. Later you can re-evaluate the relationship and such things, but for now, it's time to use all your strength to help yourself heal.

[Dako]

It's too early to plan your future with or without her friendship.

You need to recover first without sweating the small stuff.

If she's a friend, she'll be there. If not, she's no friend.

 

Don't you think everone knows you're in tumoil? True friends would understand.

[Juha]

Don't worry about being friends with her let things take there course for now..

 

You need to heal up first then worry about the other stuff...

 

Getting their respect back for you is up to the individual person you are dealing with...

 

I know you can try and show that you did not mean it or made a mistake but if they don't want to then you can't do anything about it...

 

I lost trust and respect from my ex, getting it back is not easy and just because yo have changed it does not mean they will look past what happened...It depends on the person...

 

I have tried but to no avail...

[Spawn]

first of all make it a point that you don't contact her and yes you can gain her respect.

 

By being yourself, being successful in whatever you do in life, giving it all you have.

 

If you are thinkin a lot about her, how she feels and stuff then you have loads of spare time in your hands.

 

Get out there and do something for yourself for a change.

 

Being single has also its benefits, atleast now you can do what you couldn't when you were with her. Take advantage.....

 

Good luck

[deejay74]

you're right, but i still feel humiliated for the way i acted the other night. it probably reinforced my ex's negative perception of me because i got jealous during the relationship and i did it again when i saw her the other night, and she's not my g/f anymore. i wish i could've handled myself better that night.