Need advice.. got the nerve to get out!

[BarbaraJ1980]

I guess writing my story makes me realize how messed up it is...

 

I have been in my relationship for 6 years in July. I am so miserable.

 

I have two kids with my bf. Needless to say, he is not a great father. He puts my kids down and calls them names.. hurting their self esteem. (and me as well) *This REALLY upsets me*

 

I have this drive to helps others and I have used that to cling to him, thinking I can "change" him. He has no respect for my feelings or needs. He has cheated on me more times then I can count and has been physically abusive in the past. Not only that, I pay all the bills in this house and have no sayso over anything.

 

DSS has even been here because the school turned HIM in for neglect (twice). I wanted to scream to the worker, don't go... help us. He just smiles and denies it all. But I just froze up and cried and cried.

 

My daughter is six and from a previous relationship. He never hugs her or tells her he loves her. She is suffering in school and acting out. I think she is doing it for lack of attention (from him) and because of the drama at home. (I know its my fault for staying in an unhealthy relationship)

 

I will be getting my tax money in less than a week. I will have $5000 dollars to start over. Every year I promise I will do this but the doubts are creeping in. Of course, I am worried about him more than me. What if's constantly fill my mind. What if he needs me.. what if he can't pay the bills without me?

 

My mom has offered me to come stay with her 7 hours away and help me find an apartment and start over. Freedom is calling me. I have been so isolated for the last 6 years. I have even hit the phase where my self esteem is so low that I hate myself. I feel like I have no life except to "please" him.

 

My biggest problem is figuring out how to get out. He throws huge fits when I even consider leaving and has told me if I ever leave him he'll kill me. He has me totally whipped into believing it.

 

He is laid off from work.. he has a seasonal job.. so is always home.

 

My question is.. how do I leave without causing a MAJOR scene? I want this to be as painless as possible for my two babies.

 

Thank you for any help you can provide...

 

=-)

 

Barb

 

(7 days and counting...)

[arwen]

Hey Barbara,

 

First of all welcome to the board! Please stick with your decision of leaving him. If you are now reading through the Abuse and Violence forum, you will probably see a post put up by one of our administrators about an old friend of his who couldn't get out of a violent and abusive relationship. There are many other posts where you can see links to professionals near you to escape. I know it sounds drastic, but so is your situation. I think you should try and get you and your children into a women's shelter asap. Do it as soon as you have your money, and don't talk about your decision. There are many on the forum who know how the process works, I wouldn't know for the states as I am from Holland.

 

You won't have a major scene, and you and your children will be safe.

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

Barbara,

 

Welcome to the forums, and thank you so much for sharing your story...more people in the initial stages of a similar situation can learn from it I hope. That you cannot change someone whom is this way, they can only change themselves...but it's not something you should hang around hoping to happen either.

 

 

I am SO glad you are finding the courage to leave, and I really think you absolutely MUST leave for you and your children. You can already seeing how they are being hurt by this situation, and I can promise you leaving will be the best thing you can do for them.

 

You need to stop worrying about HIM being okay on his own, because ultimately you need to put you and your kids first NOW.

 

It will be difficult as he is always home, but what I recommend you do is recruit as many friends and family as possible to get out of there. Gather the things you MUST have (birth certificates, records) together in one place and get them out beforehand if you are able to. Have all your friends and family come and be there to take you and the kids out (unless you can manage to get them out before which would be better...maybe have relative pick them up from school for a doctors appointment, let school know beforehand?). Be prepared to leave everything else behind but you and the kids if you must (which is why you should get the records and important things out first) but at least have them ready to go.

 

You can also contact local abuse/women's shelters for advice on how to do this, sometimes they have people whom will help. They will also be able to tell you what precautions you need to take.

 

It is scary it is true...in fact the time after you leave is most dangerous for you, so it is very important you do NOT meet him alone, that you make sure he does not know where you are. Be safe and cautious.

 

Barbara, please leave this man. It will take every bit of strength you have left, but do it for you and your kids. Ultimately it will be the best thing you can do.....please.

 

There are many women on here with similar stories of being in abusive relationships whom got out.....and they will say it was best thing to do.

 

Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. You can do it.

 

RayKay

[Itsok]

Hi Barbara!

 

Like the others have said, it CAN be done. There are many on this board with stories very similar to yours who have escaped as well. You can do it!

 

Firstly, expect you are going to lose some physical possessions in this process, and don't worry about it. You can always get more things, but you can't repair a broken soul.

 

Plan a date and stick with it. Contact your friends/family/anyone who can be there with you to help you pack and get out. He will not make a scene if you have others there to support you, and if he does, they can help you handle him.

 

Expect he will freak out, cry, beg and plead and make a big scene. That's to be expected. No matter what he says or does, continue packing, etc. Give him absolutely NO forwarding information.

 

He has brainwashed you into thinking that he 'needs' you which he doesn't. The only reason he needs you is to continue the cycle of abuse, that's it. He is a grown man and can get on fine without you if he wants to. He just chooses not to, that's the long and short of it.

 

No matter what he says or does on that day, do not back down. Leave and never go back to him, or you will start the whole thing over again. Abusers don't change.

 

If you have doubts, think about your children who are already showing signs of being abused. They are acting out and will carry this pain with them forever if you don't act now. Don't let them be scarred for life because you are afraid to leave.

 

You know the right thing to do, you know that it's time to get out. The time is now. When you get that money, make your move and don't look back.

 

Keep posting and we'll listen and help as best we can. You CAN get out of this. You don't have to keep living the way you are now. It's all up to you. The choice is yours.

[ff7fan]

If you possibly can get as much of the kids' things out as you can beforehand without him noticing just in case he decides to throw a fit and you have to leave some things behind at least they'll have their stuff and the transition won't be so rough on them.

[KweenofDenyl]

Barbara- a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline is in order. They can help you figure out a plan to get out safely-with your stuff, your kids, your money, and your life. It's what they do best. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

link removed

 

Also, VERY IMPORTANT, do NOT let him know you have this money coming-do NOT deposit this money into a bank account unless it's a BRAND NEW ACCOUNT and your mail goes somewhere else. If it's direct deposit, take it out and put it somewhere else. Guess how I know this...

 

Even filling out a "change of address" form at the post office won't keep him from getting your mail/checks/important stuff. Plus, you have to take everything out of your name etc. etc. It really is best if you call the hotline b/c they can map it all out and it doesn't seem daunting. Most important: STAY STRONG! WE KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!!! You can always PM me, too. We're pulling for you!

[BarbaraJ1980]

I just wanted to reply. Thank you everyone for getting back to me.

 

I went to work upset yesterday and just tired of living this way. I was crying when my boss came in and (considering that I really have noone else to turn to) I broke down and admitted that I was attempting to add a bad relationship (I work in a very small office and for awhile my boss and I ran it so we are pretty close). She had me call a hotline but the number wasn't in service. I called my local police dept. (They were very forceful, insisting on where I live and my name. I refused to give out so he told me the # I was calling from and said I could do things the easy way or the hard way so I gave him my info.) They recommended a restraining order and said I shouldn't have to leave my home. I do know depending on how physically violent your bf/h is this won't work for everyone. However, mine is much more verbally/emotionally abusive than physical (although he has been in the recent past.)

 

So, I got the order and spoke to a domestic violence counseler. I had to go before a judge (a male, the counseler said they are tougher than the female judges?) and the only thing he asked me was,"You have been in this relationship for six years, he's been physically violent and this is the first time you are seeking a restraining order?" How do you explain to someone that you stay because in your own mind you are helping your kids (but your not), and you think you can change this person (but you can't) and you have no self esteem left (which you don't).

 

While at the courthouse he left me a message on my cell, "I've been calling your work all f***ing morning where the f*** are you, you f***ing douche bag call me back." That helped keep me motivated.

 

So, to make my long story short (I apoligize) I got the restraining order. I have no family in this area so I was alone for the first time last night. Had a REALLY hard time sleeping. I know I am doing the best thing but I do hurt inside. Just like every man out there with "issues" mine could be nice, too. I have to keep remembering the bad times and not the good.

 

So, I will be here for awhile. I do need the support. I also need to figure out why I allowed myself to be treated that way for so long. He went to his brothers a couple towns over and is staying there. I had to give him our car (I make the payments but its in his name) He was in shock when the police came in. He wouldn't even open the door. I had to come up and unlock it.

My son was there (I took him in the other room) and he didn't even hug him goodbye. We have two playstation 2's and he tried to take them both with him but I asked him to please leave one for our daughter to play. (she's 6)

 

He was gone for 15 mins when he called me and broke the restraining order. My mom was on the other line and she called the police and had me file a complaint against him.

 

So thank you again everyone and thank you for listening. If anyone needs to talk I am here to listen. =-)

[arwen]

Barbara, I am so glad you came back to post about the progress in your situation. Thank God you broke down and told your boss, she really gave good suggestions and at least we can be relieved that you are safe now. I hope the restraining order is all you need to keep him away. This way, you will be able to stay in your own house. I don't want to scare you, but I suggest you really make a just-in-case plan and get yourself well-informed about the possibilities of going to a shelter. How about the school of your children? Does the board know about the situation?

 

Ilse

[GEMMACHURCH]

i just wanted to say that you are very brave and i wish you all the best in moving on from this destructive relationship. My Dad left when i was fifteen and although it hurts without him, no parent is better than an abusive one.

I hope your kind efforts and empthathy towards helping others can now be avalible to truly worthy people.

Its sad when you realise people cant change, but now you move on it will so be for the best.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Itsok]

Good for you! It will be hard in the next while, and he will try to contact you in any way that he can, but stand your ground and report him every single time he tries.

 

It will be ok!

[DN]

DSS has even been here because the school turned HIM in for neglect (twice).

 

In what way did the school say he was neglectful?

[BarbaraJ1980]

Hello again everyone...

 

Day number two and still going strong!! Thanks again to everyone just for the ability to come here and update anyone who's been in this situation on whats going on. Also, thank you for all your kind words and support. It makes me feel better about doing the right thing for me and my kids.

 

I feel pretty safe at home. My landlord came over and changed all the locks for me. The police are driving by hourly because my neighbor (her door is right beside mine, I'm in an apartment building) grew up with one of the local cops and he put out the word. I did sleep with every light on the first night but I am better now.

 

DSS said he was neglectful because my daughter went to her school and told them that she hated her dad. She also told them that he is mean to her and calls her names. (I do know that these things alone should have made me leave 2 or 3 years ago, however, he was much nicer to her before OUR son was born. He has almost become jealous of our daughter. I did convince myself in my head that because my son is from my second relationship that no man would want a woman who had kids with two different fathers. I also thought that keeping my family together was my NUMBER ONE priority. I have learned that it is not. My kids and my health and our welfare is number one.)

 

One more thing, my ex has not been physically abusive in a year or so (except for when we are playfighting and he is pulling my arm or grabbing my face to get my attention) he is about 95% emotionally and mentally abusive and about 5% physical.

 

I have decided I am going to move to PA (about 6 hours from here) and be close to my mom and sister. I feel like that will give me a change to get my kids and I into counseling and start the healing process. I am scared to start over, but I know if I stay nearby I will cave in when he begins to beg for forgiveness and for me to come back.

 

If anyone wants to talk or vent I am more than here to listen. I honestly feel like a cloud has been lifted from off my shoulders. I am so glad my boss had me go right now and start the process. Otherwise, it would have been, "one more year and I'll get away from all this."

 

Thank you all.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Barb =-)

[Itsok]

Barb I'm so happy for you, and so proud of you! It's so lovely to see your progress!

 

It certainly won't be all peaches and cream for the first while, but things WILL get better.

 

Moving to be closer to your family is an excellent idea. You want your children to grow up around a loving support group to help them through the feelings they are experiencing and that you all will experience.

 

Barb, I'm speechless. You have made incredible progress and I commend you with all my heart.

 

Hugs!

Itsok

[arwen]

Hey Barbara,

 

I am so happy with all this progress! I can imagine you feel really relieved now. Don't beat yourself up about the timeframe (where you told us you should have left him earlier, etc.). What matters now is that you are free from him. I am glad you decided to move. It's better than staying in a place still so close to him. Do you know where he is?

 

Take care,

 

ilse