My boyfriend is going to a strip club...

[ImInLove232]

I have never dealt with this before...I can't even imagine the thought of him staring at someone else topless....it makes me feel jealous and insecure. The thought of him getting a lapdance just makes me want to disappear under a rock for the rest of my life. Why does he have to be so insensitive? Me and him have been through alot, and I have done my fair share of things....but we have grown from them and everything has been so great lately. Because I had messed up before, he tells me that I have to prove to him how much I love him....I think I'm very fair about it all....I do mind him going, but Im going to keep the hurt.....what kills me the most is that I want to talk about it all with him and he hangs up on me, and refuses to talk to me because he says that I should save the fighting for just myself. I just dont get it....I dont want to fight, I just want to talk about it so itll make me feel better

 

He is going regardless so I cant stop him. I just dont know how to deal with him or the whole thing. I just cant imagine him being turned on by some stripper.....it bothers me I dont understand how everytime I should be the one to get mad, he gets mad, and I'm the one begging for everything to work out. How do I go about changing that? I'm sick of being the one that always feels like i have to save the relationship over something so stupid. its simply very unfair to me.

 

 

Obviously I dont ever want to go to a strip club....but is there anyway to get him to start caring about how i feel? I really need some advice.

 

Thanks.

[ShySoul]

I think this isn't really about him going to a strip club, that is an example of something deeper. I'm not picking up a good vibe from his attitude. I find him saying you have to "prove" your love to be rather offensive. If you messed up in the past, I could understand being hesistant and cautious. But in my book, no one should have to "prove" themselves in a relationship. It's not like he is entitled to getting any breaks because of something that you might have done (assuming you even did something to begin with to hurt him). And it sounds like he does this often. He then won't even talk things over with you. He's not communicating and working through things with you as they come up. It's like he expects you to do all of the work, and then isn't even willing to work with you when you try.

 

Honestly, from the little I hear I question if the relationship is worth saving. He seems to be doing nothing but making you feel bad about yourself. No one person sould be doing all of the work and begging the other person for forgiveness. You deserve better then that. And if you have concerns about him going to a strip club, a decent guy would at least hear you out, and most likely not go. There are a lot of good guys out there who will not make you feel this way. You should call things off with this one, and eventually you can meet someone better.

[CamaroJoe]

Here is your problem...Girls are attracted to guys who do not treat them as one would define as 'right'. I have no idea why that is, it just it...for example. If a girl is dating a guy who pulls out chairs, opens doors, brings flowers, and does all these nice things, eventually she will get bored; even if the guy is financiallly secure....see 'The Notebook'

 

However, if the guy is fun, regardless of how he treats the girl, she will stay with him....see 'Titanic'

 

Now, a guy who treats a girl like he doesn't really care makes her feel like she needs him. It makes her want him more because she is constantly trying to make him want her. And the guy plays it so that the girl feels she doesn't have him (fully)...Everyone wants what they can't have.

 

So he gives just enough to keep her interested while doing what he can to not seem like a wuss and like he is 'in love'.

 

The best thing for you to do, even though it is hard, is to just ignore him as much as possible. Just live your life. Do what you have to do. And if you have time for him, then fine. Now I'm not saying it will necessarily work on him but if you show that you don't really need him, it may just work in your favor. Just as long as he doesn't have anyon else on the side.

 

Now as far as the strip club goes...that is just a guy thing. please don't get upset over that. think of it this way, when he gets done with it, he will come home and 'want some'...so if you are having sexual problems, this may fix it. Jealousy is a good thing as long as it isn't taken to extremes. if you get jealous, it shows that you actually care for the person. But if you take it too far, it turns into something that willl definitely have ill effects on your relationship.

 

I'm not sure how the lack of communication is, but that is never a good thing. a couple should always be able to talk about anything. maybe you should try talking to him face to face rather than on the phone. start off with, "I'm sure you probably don't believe me, but i don't really care that you go to a strip club. I'm just curious as to why you would want to" (even if the not caring part isn't true)...u two just have to talk.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Erm , short point... I for one am certainly attracted to my boyfriend who is romantic, considerate and treats me *right*. Very, very right in fact...you cannot use movies as a guide for real life!!

 

As for the original problem...I agree that this seems to be about your relationship rather than this one incident. Several things seem bad, like him hanging up on you when you try and talk about it...how incredibly disrespectful. It sounds like a very one-sided relatoinship, ie you making all the effort..gert out of it and look for someone who at least listens to you when you have strong emotions/feelings going on.

[ShySoul]

It's not that girls are attracted to guys who treat them bad and aren't attracted to the ones who treat them right. Girls may often go through a stage where they date the "bad boy" for a number of reasons: thinking they have to do that once, the temporary excitement before they realize it is just hurting them, wanting to help calm the wild one down, seeing the good in him and wanting that to show through, etc. But in the end, they see what they really want and go for a guy who does treat them right. Bad boys get dates and end up alone. Good guys get married and the love of a good women forever.

 

In this case, I think it is fear of letting go. When you get attached to someone, it is hard to let go. You try to cling to it, even when you know deep down that it isn't what you need. You are afraid to face the unknown of not being in the relationship. In the relationship, you may be hurting. But at least you know what to expect. If things end, you have to deal with all the emotions that come with a breakup, wondering what went wrong, that maybe if you had done something different it would have work. You have to deal with being alone again, and wondering if you will meet someone else. And even if you do, are you going to be able to trust them? That is alot to face, and for some people its too scary to think of. So they stay in situations they know is not good for them.

 

But in the end, we have to break free of those situations. We are strong and can survive. It's not good to stay in a relationship that just brings us pain. We deserve better then that. If the guy isn't going to treat you well, it is his lost. There are plenty of guys who will treat you with respect and class, actually listen to and care about you. You will find one of these guys ImInLove232, and you will be happy in that relationship.

 

As for the strip club, I take the same view on it as I do on guys watching porn. If they choose to do it while single, that is there choice. They are the ones having their wallets drained after all. But in a relationship, you have to think about the other persons feelings. If the girl isn't comfortable with it, and you've talked it over, then don't go. Why look at a bunch of strangers to ger aroused when you have a beautiful girl of your own, that you love, who I would think would easily get you aroused?