the Rubber Band theory...actually true?

[hopelesslee]

I picked up a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus at my friend's house, and I was REALLY surprised by the chapter on the "rubber band theory." Basically, it says that men have a "cycle" of intimacy where they are very close to and passionate with their significant other, followed by a period in which they distance themselves from their partner. If the man's girlfriend is hurt by his behavior and starts chasing after him, it causes him to distance himself even more from her.

Guys (and girls too...whatever!) Is this actually true? If so, does it help if the girl starts to distance herself too? Like, if the guy seems to have lost interest and is distancing himself but was very passionate initially, is it worth it to wait it out and see if he'll come back? I would be really interested to know what you all think about this. Thanks for your help!

[DN]

i heartily distrust any book or theory that claims to be able to predict how individuals will react in any given circumstance no matter what the variables. He has made a nice sum of money talking generalities that may or may not be true in totality but have no significance in particular cases.

[lady00]

DN is right. You can't make hard and fast rules like that about relationships. That said, this has happened to me...and I did end up chasing the guy. Big mistake. I would say, if it happens that a person does this to you, I would follow their cue and enjoy the distance...that is enjoy the other parts of life that spending time with the person doesn't allow for, such as sports and other similar hobbies...develop your life away from the person so that way you won't freak them out by chasing and chasing as if you have nothing else going on in your life. I think that's probably the take-home message...if someone distances himself from you and you are in a relationship, don't chase, instead make sure you are really paying attention to the other things in your life and enjoying them and you'll find that the space can be really good to you and can give you more to talk about with your partner.

[ShySoul]

John Gray, author of that book, had to fake his own degree and couldn't keep his own relationship going. Thus, any theroy he proposes I would be hesitant to take seriously.

 

Intentionally distancing yourself from someone you are in a relationship is rarely if ever a good thing. What it sounds like he is trying to say, is that when a person gets closer to another, it can often be frightening and scary to a person, male or female. It has nothing to do with a cycle that men go through and can't be applied to all men. It is the simple fact that as a relationship progresses, things get more intense. You open yourself up to the other person and that leaves you vulnerable to being hurt. For some people, male and female, they may try to pull back, afraid of getting any closer. They figure its better to cut your loses early before you are too heavily invested in the relationship and risk even deeper hurt later on.

 

But the way to handle this isn't to distance yourself as well and think that will pull them back to you. It is more likely to create a gulf between the two of you that neither is willing to bridge and end up ruining the relationship. And even if you do eventually come back together, its time wasted when you could have been talking things out and solving the issues a lot sooner, thus getting back together and on the right track a lot sooner.

 

Relationships need communication. If you are having a problem, then talk things out. If you feel he (or she for that matter) is distancing himself, then let him know how you feel. Try and figure out where you both stand with each other. It could be fear of getting to close. It could be a personal problem he is having and it's got him occupied or depressed. It could be lots of things. But you won't know what, and you won't be able to do anything about it unless you talk it over.

[Bethany]

I don't know if its true but it does help to know that he needs some time apart from you and has a right to that time alone.

 

I think the 'idea' is more to stop the woman from being clingy and needy when he does spend this time alone and accept that if they don't cling and become insecure about his feelings and just accept that he is doing his thing, he will return and be as loving as he was, maybe even more so because you don't panic and cling and he gives you those 'points' Gray also refers to in his book.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

If a guy distances himself from me, I give it a shortish amount of time-say, a week.

 

Then Id ask him *why* he'd changed.

 

Then take it from there. I know I sound jaded so young but I don't do mindgames any more, Im too blummin old for it (well, I feel it!) so it'd be a case of explain, or bye bye.

 

I dislike books like that anyway, they seem so tacky to moi.

[ShySoul]

The problem with playing games and distancing yourself, is that it is just as likely, if not more likely, to backfire. If you stay away, don't call or talk to her, what is a girl suppose to think? She is likely to assume you have lost interest and move on. Also, it isn't right to treat another person as a yo-yo, pulling them close to you and them pushing them away. That plays with a persons emotions and hurts their feelings. If you love them, you wouldn't do that to them. It's different if you are going through something, dealing with a stressful issue. Even then, its best to have someone to talk to and help you through it, that can bring you closer together and make the relationship stronger. But to intentionally pull away for the sake of pulling away, isn't right and the other person shouldn't accept or deal with it.

[fishrrshortae]

Shysoul I agree totally, cuz this happened to me.. we BOTH thought we wanted space, both backed off, and it didn't help any.

[ShySoul]

fishrrshortae, is there a happy ending to the story? Did you come back together and see it was a mistake? Even if you didn't, I hope you have found someone special and are happy.

[ttone]

Well giving space/backing off a bit can be a good thing I think in certain situations.

For example, my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. A few months after we were first got together I was in a pretty traumatic car accident and he was absolutely awesome and helped me through it. But I never dealt with some of the more personal issues that arose from it, the kind you really can only solve on your own.

3 years later I still tended to hide behind him instead of facing these same issues and just act clingy in general...We live further apart now and give each other alot more space which is great because we needed it. It helped me realize how I had been acting, the bad habits I had made, and begin to deal with them.

 

But yea finding that appropriate distance, not too far, but not way too clingingly close either, is quite tricky.

[Haven]

Basically, it says that men have a "cycle" of intimacy where they are very close to and passionate with their significant other, followed by a period in which they distance themselves from their partner. If the man's girlfriend is hurt by his behavior and starts chasing after him, it causes him to distance himself even more from her.

Guys (and girls too...whatever!) Is this actually true? If so, does it help if the girl starts to distance herself too? Like, if the guy seems to have lost interest and is distancing himself but was very passionate initially, is it worth it to wait it out and see if he'll come back? I would be really interested to know what you all think about this. Thanks for your help!

 

Ug. This exact thing happened in my last relationship. My ex-boyfriend and I spent a significant amount of time together every day. Then he started distancing himself, because of work and school. This was totally understandable at first, but then it became obvious that I was actually very far down on his list of priorities. He would only hang out with me or go out with me if he had free time. He only ever changed his other plans for me once or twice during the entire three months of the relationship. He never even though of including me. I was always sidelined. Always.

 

All of that made me more clingy than I should have been (according to normal standards, it was not clingy at ALL, but to him it was). It ended up making him more and more distant.

 

I then tried what you mentioned, being more distant myself... it didn't work at all. It was awful. He did not come back. He did not make any effort to get closer.

 

Then again, I'm guessing it works differently with different couples. My boyfriend did not care about me enough to make time for me. He never missed me. Never. However, I'm sure there are couples where the distance makes them realize that they do want to be together for certain.

 

I would suggest, instead of making yourself more distant, just focus on your own life. Meet new people, make more friends, put more effort into work, find new hobbies... it may suck, but you really shouldn't be clingy because that definitely won't work. It also sucks less than just sitting around wondering if he's going to contact you or not.